What Makes It Wrong for Us to Fall in Love?

Well it was already a quarter to 12.

And Jawn wasn't home like he promised yet.

Shane had passed out on the couch with his phone in his hand like he always did. He fell asleep waiting for me to get to sleep myself.

I was in the corner of Jawn's room, crying, bawling my fucking eyes out at wondering why Jawn wasn't home yet.

I needed him more than anything that time. I was breaking down.

I thought of everything I didn't have during my being twenty years old.

I didn't have Stephen.

I didn't have John.

I didn't have Josh.

I didn't have Brian.

I didn't have Kennedy.

I didn't have Pat.

I didn't have Garrett.

I didn't have Jared.

All I had was Jawn. And his family who took care of me as if I were a legitimate part of it.

And he was making me wait.

It was exactly a minute before 12 and he still wasn't home.

I finally decided to accept he wasn't going to have been home soon and kept crying as I crawled into his bed again.

That night, I fell asleep crying, just waiting for Jawn. He never came. He broke his promise. He told me he was going to be there with me the minute I turned twenty one.

And he wasn't.

--

"Hey Daisy.. No, you didn't.. Okay, yes. You woke me up. It's okay.. What are you doing up at three? ..Are you crying? Daisy, what happened? Your parents? Daise-- Daise, tell me where-- Daise, tell me where you are! ...Okay. Okay, don't.. Daisy Shay Michaels, don't you go anywhere, I'm coming to get you."

I turned around and opened my eyes to see Shane getting up from the couch and rushing to get his shoes back on. "Where you heading,"

"Sh." He shushed me. "I'm going out. Don't tell Mom or Dad." He put his hoodie on, zipped it up and started his way to the door.

It swung open before him, and there Jawn stood.

"Where are you going, little bro?"

"I'm going to get Daisy at the park, her parents fought and she ran away."

"Don't say anything stupid that'll make her cry harder, okay?"

"I never told you she was crying," Shane squinted.

"Who wouldn't cry running away from her fighting parents,"

"Please just get out of my way." Shane waited for Jawn to move.

Jawn stepped aside. "I'll see you later, I guess."

"Don't tell Mom or Dad, okay?" Shane said before he left.

Jawn closed the door, stepping into his room for the first time in months.

I just casually pretended to be asleep.

He pulled a chair over and sat by my bedside. "Doll, I'm back." He sighed as he put something that made a loud cringing noise on the side table. "I'm sorry for being three hours late. I ruined a tire and when I got that fixed, I ran out of gas. When I got gas, I got pulled over for swerving. The police had to ask me to get out of my car and sing the alphabet backwards. That was fucked. But I bought you pancakes and flowers on my way. That's something, right?"

I listened as he continued. I heard him get up from the chair and walk around and he sat back down. He had his guitar. He started playing.

And he continued talking while he played the intro. "This is to say I'm sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for breaking my promise. I'm sorry I'm three fucking hours late. I'm sorry for fucking it up. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry I left, but I had to. I'm sorry I ruined your life. I'm sorry I slept with you. I'm sorry I got drunk that night. I'm sorry I let Kennedy hurt you. I'm sorry I let Stephen break your heart. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the nights you cried to yourself. I'm sorry you had to stay here. I'm sorry I refused to take you home. I'm sorry I was selfish and kept you to myself. I'm sorry I didn't tell Pat or Jared to come over and visit you. I'm sorry I didn't let them. I'm sorry I made you stay. I'm sorry you had to be with me. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I left you in the air high and dry with promises I wasn't even sure I could keep.. Doll, this is to say that. Three and a half minutes isn't enough, but it's all I could fit in one song with a guitar. I'm.. Sorry." He cleared his throat.

"Here goes nothing." He muttered. He stopped playing for a second to put my hair off my ear. "I want you to hear this."

Then he started playing again. "Well, I messed up again. I shouldn't drive tonight, but I keep thinking of you. I hurt you again. I shouldn't lie tonight, so the next few words are true. Never again, never again, no, will I leave you high and.. Never again, never again.. No. Never again, never again, no, will I leave you high and dry. This time, I more than mean it.. I'm sorry, I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry. Sorry I let you down. I could use some poor excuse, `cause the hardest thing to say.. It's the hardest thing to say in the world. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.. Yeah, I messed up again. Thinking of the times when I was lost and you let me in.. And I'm only human, both you and I know how this will end. So I say never again, never again, no, will I leave you high and.. Never again, never again.. No. Never again, never again, no, will I leave you high and dry. This time, I more than mean it.. I'm sorry, I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry. Sorry I let you down. I could use some poor excuse, `cause the hardest thing to say.. It's the hardest thing to say in the world. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry...... I'm sorry, I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry. Sorry I let you down. I could use some poor excuse, `cause the hardest thing to say.. It's the hardest thing to say in the world. Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.."

Then he stopped playing. He put the guitar away and started talking to me.

"Man, I missed you. Did you miss me? I've been dying to play that for you. I wrote it for you.. You've been crying again, I can tell. What's wrong, doll? Did you miss me too much? Just kidding. Hope Shane's been taking care of you well. Hope you haven't skipped out on your meals and I hope you've been taking your meds religiously. Shane called me once in a while to tell me you were fine, so I was okay. This tour was insane. Pat had a Ratboy episode during a show, Garrett almost broke his ankle again.. Parrett's growing strong, it's kinda fucked. Jared cooked for fans. It was rad. And.. Kenny.. He.. He, uhm, broke down into tears during our last show when someone reminded us it was gonna be your birthday before we sang Right Girl. Now that's fucked. We had to call security to get him out of the bathroom after he got himself drunk. He didn't hurt himself though, he was just crying. He's fine now, he's in Jared's house, Jared promised to keep an eye on him, so we don't have to worry anymore. Oh yeah, this is for you." He kissed my forehead. "That's from Jared, he says take care of yourself. This is from Pat and Garrett," He said as he hugged me. "Oh, before I forget.. Your band mates dropped by our last show. This is from Brian and Josh." He took my hand, formed it into a ball and bro-fisted it. "This one's from John." He let that hand go and kissed my cheek. "He says he misses you a lot." He put his fingers on my chin. "And this. This is from Stephen.. Uhmm.. Yeah. This is from Stephen."

Then I felt his lips on mine. The first time I've felt his lips on mine after almost a year. Not a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the hand, a kiss on the forehead.. A kiss on the lips. The first time in almost a year.

I opened my eyes, soon enough I started crying.

"Doll, don't cry." Jawn took me into his arms. "Don't cry. You're supposed to be happy. I'm here, Stephen loves you and Kennedy's sorry, what are you crying for," He mumbled. "Don't you like daisies? I'm sorry, I'll take them back to the shop now." He started pulling off from me only to have himself pulled back by me.

"It's not the flowers."

"Don't you like pancakes? Oh. Okay. I get it. You like them home made. I'll do that for you."

"It's not the pancakes."

"Then what is it, doll?" He pulled back and looked at me, making sure he caught every tear falling from my eyes. "Why are you crying? Aren't you happy? I'm gonna throw you a fucking awesome birthday party later, and Pat and Garrett and Jared and Brian and John and Josh and Kenny and Stephen will be there, and this time, I won't have sex with you. Aren't you happy? After this, things can go back to the way they were. Why are you crying, doll?"

I frowned. I realized that there was nothing to cry about. Jawn was right. So I said something reasonable. And true. "Because I missed you." Then I laughed.

"There's my doll. Stop crying, you're more beautiful when you're not. Let's go get you some fresh pancakes." He took the Styrofoam of pancakes and threw it out his window. He took the flowers. "Here."

"Aw." I wiped my tears off.

"Happy birthday."

--

"Doll, don't sleep on me now." Jawn laughed as he rocked me. "We're going shopping for your dress."

"With you holding me and lulling me to sleep like that," I mumbled. "How can I not,"

"Doll, you're so freaking adorable." He pinched my nose.

"All you have to do is sing to me now.. And I'll fall asleep."

"But I don't want you to fall asleep on me, doll." Jawn pushed my hair out of my forehead.

"But I was up waiting for you all night,"

"I was up driving home all night," He answered. "At least you got three hours of sleep. I didn't get any sleep at all. Let's be fair to each other, doll."

"I was crying." I defended. "That takes a shit ton of energy."

"Well, I watched you." He cleverly said as a comeback. "That takes a lot more than you think."

"You really care about me?" I reached up and ruffled through his hair.

"Yeah, I care about you enough to have made you fresh pancakes." He grinned at me with that crooked smile of his. "I care about you enough to have thought of buying you daisies on my way home."

"I'm not a fan of flowers," I mumbled as I pulled my hand away from his hair. I bent over and put the bouquet of flowers on my lap. I pulled one out of the bundle. "Jawn, why daisies?"

"They seem significant." He pulled one out of the bunch as well.

"Am I significant,"

"Yeah." He started pulling the petals out one by one and threw them to the ground. "Of course."

I started imitating him.

Soon enough, the entire bouquet was nothing more than just a bundle of green wilted stems, and the living room floor was a bed of fucking petals.

"Wow, we made a mess." Jawn spoke up.

"Hell yeah, we did."

Then he started laughing.

Then I started laughing too. "I could've been asleep."

"We could've bought your dress already."

"Why do we have to do a semi-formal party,"

"`Cause you're twenty one, doll, and everything has to be pretty."

"But Jawn," I whined.

"Sh, doll, are you really gonna complain? Do you want me to call the entire party off? Then I'll tell Pat and the rest not to come anymore--"

"No, don't do that!"

"Then shut up and let's get going to buy your dress." He gently stirred and pushed me off him.

I dropped to the floor and fell face-first as Jawn rushed to help me. "The daisies smell nice though."

"Aw, doll, come on."

"Aren't your parents gonna freak out on the mess,"

"Shane!" Jawn yelled to the kitchen where Shane had taken Daisy to eat pancakes.

She was crying so hard.

It wasn't fair for someone as young as her to have been in that much pain. What was she, 16?

And Shane was just being there for her.

Reminded me a lot of Stephen.

Shane frantically looked up from Daisy's hands in his by the kitchen counter see what his brother wanted. "What?!"

"You clean the mess we made in the living room." Jawn commanded as he retrieved his car keys.

"Jawn!" Shane complained. "I've got Daisy to take care of!"

"Are you forgetting it's my doll's birthday?"

"But Jawn!"

"Fine, you're an ass." Jawn rolled his eyes and left me in the kitchen with Shane and Daisy.

Shane scoffed. He wasn't usually that way with Jawn. He was patient with Jawn. But that time, he had to put Daisy first.

I stayed by the door way and leaned on the wall, waiting for Jawn to come back.

Shane got up and walked to the fridge. "Jess, do you want some apple juice?"

"Apple juice?" I looked at him. "No thanks."

"Okay." Shane shrugged, but still brought it out. He took a glass from the cabinet and sat by Daisy. He poured some into the glass and slid it to Daisy. "Daisy, dear, calm down now. Please. You know I hate seeing you cry."

All she could do was nod and take the juice Shane got her and sipped it. "Thanks."

"Do you want me to take you out for ice cream?" Shane asked.

"I don't know. I don't wanna do anything." She replied quietly.

"Man, I hate seeing you cry." Shane muttered. He made Daisy look at him and leaned in to kiss her forehead when Daisy tilted her head up and they ended up kissing.

Kissing.

"Wait," Shane pushed off. "That wasn't supposed to happen.."

"I don't care." Daisy smiled at him and acted like what happened didn't bother her. "Can we still go for that ice cream?"

"Of course." He took her hand and dragged her out.

Jawn came back. Of course, surprised, that his brother and his girlfriend best friend had disappeared. "Where'd he--"

"Don't know."

"Don't care." Jawn shrugged. "Let's go shopping for your dress."