What Makes It Wrong for Us to Fall in Love?

I stared at him.

He was down on one knee, in his tux, holding a box with a ring in it out open for me to see.

Then I started blinking my tears away. I must've been dreaming.

Stephen shook his head.

I bit my lip. "Stephen,"

He snapped the box close after taking the ring out and shoved it onto my ring finger. "You're in love with me, right?! Then fucking marry me!"

I kept staring.

"What the fuck are you waiting for, Jess?! Take it off! Give it back! And then you can finally admit to me and your fucking self that you're not fucking in love with me! Don't make this harder than it's gotta be, Jess, just fucking tell me that you want me back too. And we'll be best friends again, and we'll pretend this never even fucking happened!"

I didn't reply.

"Fuck. What am I even doing," Stephen messed his hair up. "God, what are we even doing? You're making it seem like this isn't gonna work anymore."

I didn't speak.

"Fine. Whatever. See, this is exactly why I never even told you I was in love with you in the first place. Look at where we are now. I didn't want us to end up this way."

I didn't even watch him.

"God. You're really making it seem like this is never gonna work out again anymore. Fine, Jess, if that's how you want it to be. You can fucking cut me out of your life. Fine. Do it. But do it quick and spare me the fucking pain. Come on. Just get out of my fucking life." He walked to his door and kicked it open, knocking down the chair Jawn used to lock it up.

He apparently knew about Stephen's stupid doorknob, so he used a chair to block the knob from turning or something like that.

Stephen held the door open. "You can exit here, the door, or you can jump out the window. I don't know what you fucking want, and I don't fucking care. No, I don't care. Not anymore. Get out."

And then I finally was able to say his name at least. "Stephen,"

"No, Jess. Fuck you. Fuck this. Fuck. I'm done! You don't want to give this friendship another shot? Then fucking fine! Fine, Jess! I can't do this anymore! I've waited long enough, I've let you calm down for as long as a year and fucking tortured myself! As much as I wanted to have you back, as much as I wanted to just take you back from Jawn, I didn't fucking do it and kept torturing myself because I know you needed time off! I let you calm down, I've been away from you long enough and you've had enough time to think! Jess, why the fuck are you making this harder than it's gotta be, Jess, fucking why?!"

"You gave me time to think! Exactly! And I thought! And I came to the fucking conclusion that--"

"Don't even fucking say it, Jess, I don't wanna hear your lies!"

"My lies?! My fucking lies, oh God, Stephen!"

Then we both silenced.

"What? Aren't you gonna leave? Jesus Christ, Jess, get the fuck out!"

Didn't move, didn't speak, didn't breathe. All over again.

"Then I'll get out. Fuck." Stephen rolled his eyes and started making his way out the door. "Then I'll leave! Anything to make you happy. Any fucking thing to make you happy, Jessica Marie Bowen--"

"Stephen, don't. Stephen James Gomez, don't you fucking dare leave me."

"She speaks." Stephen scoffed and stopped.

"Don't do this to me, Stephen."

"Don't do what to you, Jess?"

"Stop being selfish, don't hurt me, Stephen."

"I'm not being selfish right now!"

"Fuck you! How many times do I have to tell you I love you before you're convinced that I really do?!"

"Fuck you!" He mocked. "How many times do I have to tell you you don't love me before you're convinced that you really don't?!"

"Motherfucker!" I yelled at him. I pushed him aside. "You want me not to make this harder than it has to be?! Fine! I'm gonna walk out that fucking door right now and you better not fucking stop me! Easy peasy, right?! Just make sure you won't fucking regret this." I growled. I stepped out of the room then he called me.

I hoped for a second he was stopping me.

But he wasn't.

"Jess, give me my necklace."

"You know, I actually thought you were gonna stop me. Damn, I'm so fucking stupid." I snatched one of the chains around my neck off and shoved it into his hands.

"I can't believe I'm letting you slip away again." He mumbled.

"I know, me either." I shrugged and shakily, and angrily, walked off after kicking the Jawn used to lock us in his room aside.

So I left Stephen in his room.

Fucking life. Why'd we even try? Nothing was ever gonna work with him.

With us.

Fuck him.

He wanted me out of his life? Fucking fine! I gave him what he wanted. It was the least I could do, I hurt him enough.

I was done.

I ended up collapsing at the last step of the stairs and cried.

How many breakdowns have I had that day?

"Jess? Jess, what--"

The second later, I just found myself crying into his chest. "Kennedy, I don't know what to do anymore. Can you kill me? Please, just fucking kill me."

"Babe, it's okay."

"It's not! It's not, Kennedy! Nothing is okay!"

He hugged me tighter. "I wish I could do something to make you feel better."

"Take me away from here. Take me away from everyone. I'm tired. Fucking Jawn for trying to even make this right. God. I hate him. I hate him so much."

"Please don't blame him for this. He worked so hard for this,"

"He worked so hard to have me hurt like this, great. He might as well've done nothing,"

"Jess," Kennedy whined. "Jess, it hurts to see you crying like this."

"It hurts to know my best friend doesn't care about me anymore."

"Jess, I'm sure he cares about you. I'm sure as hell."

"He doesn't even--"

"Don't say it, Jess, you know he loves you."

"Yeah? Well, if he loved me so much, maybe he wouldn't have told me that he'd rather I get back together with you."

"He said that?"

"Fuck yeah." I looked up at him. "Take me away."

"No."

"Kennedy, take me away. Get me out of here."

"No."

"Please,"

"Jess,"

"Please? Kennedy, I don't.. I can't do this anymore. Take me away. Please. Just fucking do."

"Jess, Jawn worked really hard to get this together. He didn't think this was gonna play out this way, okay? Even I thought you and Stephen were gonna get shit together."

"I give up, Kennedy, I fucking give up. On Stephen. On everything. On life."

"Jess, you're stronger than this,"

"No." I whined. "I'm a weak piece of shit, I'm never gonna get anywhere."

"Don't drag me into this self-pity episode of yours, Jess, don't. Do you wanna hurt me that bad?"

"No." I cried. "Kennedy, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry you have to see me like this. But I give up. I give up. I don't wanna do this anymore, kill me."

"I can't kill you."

"But you almost did with that knife the last time, why can't you do it now,"

"Don't use that against me."

"Kennedy," I whined. "I don't wanna stay here anymore."

He shook as he pulled back from me. "But the guys-- They worked so hard to pull this together, it's unfair."

"It's unfair?! Kennedy, what's unfair is how I've got almost no choice but to stay here when my best friend hates my guts, when my best friend wants me out of his life-- Kennedy, it hurts. It's not fair that you're letting me get hurt like this."

He heaved a deep sigh and wiped my tears off using his tie since he couldn't find anything else to use. "Jess,"

"You know what," I laughed. "I'm sorry. I can't believe I even asked you to kill me. I'll go kill myself." I got up.

I really wanted to kill myself.

I seriously considered it.

"Jess, you're not gonna do that."

"Oh yeah?" I stomped down the hall to the kitchen.

I passed the living room where everyone was quietly sitting there, and making small talk, and I went ignored.

Kennedy followed me.

I got to the kitchen, glad that no one was there.

"Jess, don't do it. Please don't--" Kennedy ran to me and locked me in his arms.

"No, Kennedy!" I shook him off and ran to the drawer and took out a knife.

"Jess! Don't! Don't do it, please!" Kennedy begged and hugged me all over again.

"Let me go otherwise I'm gonna hurt you--"

"Then go fucking hurt me, Jess, but don't hurt yourself!" He tried to pry the knife out of my hand.

I forced him to let go of me, or the hand that held the knife anyway. "Don't fucking stop me, what are you doing?!"

"Jess--"

"Let go,"

"Jess--"

"Kennedy, fucking let go!" I jerked away from him with the knife in my hand which spun out of control for the moment.

It wasn't an accident.

I knew exactly what I was doing, and I regretted it a second later.

Fucking emotions.