Prescribed Pills

I pulled my sleeves down as I walked into the living room, where Lacey sat. I had completely forgotten about me inviting her over. My hair was wet and drenched from just stepping out of the shower and my wrists ached from the blade that had just recently, so sweetly, caressed them.

"I've been waiting here for ages." She looked up at me, with a fake, small grin plastered on her porcelain face. I could see right through her facade, that we both shared, unfortunately.

Taking the seat next to her on the brown couch, I sighed and looked over at her. "I'm sorry, I really needed a shower," I let out a soft chuckle, and turned to face her, making sure to keep my sleeves down, the last time she saw... Well... It wasn't pretty.

Her dark eyes stared right back into mine and I felt guilty, sick, as if I were keeping a dark and twisted secret from her, but it was nothing like that. It wasn't as if she didn't do the same thing. And more. But I did more too. We were in the same boat.

"Oh." Lacey leaned back against the couch. I looked back at her, I loved her. But, no, I couldn't love her. How could I love her when I couldn't even love myself? When my own self loathing and self pity were creeping up inside of me, and tearing me down, shattered pieces that are impossible to piece back together. I couldn't love anyone. I wasn't in the right state of mind, and emotion to love.

But I could still feel.

The feel of her sweet hugs, and the feel of her warm breath on the side of my neck when she whispered secrets to my ears, and I could feel, it may sound silly, but oh, I could feel her when she looked at me. At all times, if she was ever staring at me, I would know, because I could feel it. Even if I wasn't looking at her.

I sat sideways on the couch, and peered at Lacey. She wore a white headband with a flower on the side, and a black skinnies with a tight white shirt, with a purple tank top underneath of it. "So, Lace, what would you like to do?" I smiled sweetly at her, hopefully faking away the pain that it caused me to just be sitting next to her.

If this causes me so much pain, why did I invite her over?
You love her, silly pants.

And now the voices in my head rise back to the surface to confront me in a never ending battle of what I want. And once again, I told the voices, I cannot love. I think it may have silenced them for now.

Looking back up at Lacey, to see she had moved closer towards me. I shivered and stared up into her eyes. "We haven't had a movie night in a long, long time. How about it?"

A real smile appeared on my face, the kind that brings out a nice little twinkle in your eye. "Well, Lacey. I would most certainly love that."

Standing up, I ran upstairs and came back down, packing pillows and covers with me. I spread them out on the floor and placed the pillows in just the right spots in front of the television. "Will you go pop some popcorn and get the pop while I go change into pajamas? Would you like to borrow some clothes to get comfy?"

Lacey smiled at me as she moved past me into the kitchen, her hair swaying lightly as she walked. "I'd like that." She whispered.

"Then I will be right back, again."

Heading back up the stairs and into my room, I changed into pajamas bottoms and a loose top and grabbed out gray baggy boxers and a baggy tee. Running back downstairs, I handed the garments to her.

"I will be waiting." I smiled, sheepishly, and went and sat down on the covers. She laughed and walked through the back hall, to the bathroom. I heard the door shut and saw the light click on, spreading a thin sweep of light over the hallway floor. I sighed and laid back, contently.

Maybe tonight would be a good night.

Lacey came back out, dressed in my boxers and I felt a little flutter of butterflies in the pit of my stomach. She was so tiny, and cute. I wanted to just get up and embrace her in my arms, and just cuddle in the sheets as we whispered words of affection to one another, until we drifted off to sleep, but I knew that would never happen. At least not tonight.

"Comfortable?" I asked her, and she nodded, grabbing the popcorn and the two Cokes from the kitchen. She came and sat down next to me, popping a piece into her mouth. I giggled and showed the movie collection I had.

"Do you think a comedy would cheer us up?" She asked me, looking me smack dab in the eyes again. She needs to quit that. It could very well be the death of me. How could she, tease me so well with her eyes, and not even know what she was doing to me. It was like a knife, impaling my heart.

I looked down at my comedy collection. Juno, The Hangover, Step Brothers, Super Bad, Easy A, ... "I think it could. I like you hearing you laugh." I felt a small blush rise up to my cheeks and Lacey looked away, obviously trying to hide ab lush as well.

She picked up 'The Good Guys', with Will Ferrel in it, in her doll-like hand, and I put a thumbs up. She put it in the DVD player, and laid back with me. Pressing play, all I could think about was how close she was, right now, and how easy it would be to wrap my arms around her and kiss her cheek, and tell her all the things about her that I loved, which were all the things about her that she hated.

But tonight was not the night.