Prescribed Pills
I Could Kid Myself In Thinking That I'm Fine
For a minute, a slight minute, all of my thoughts dissolved into nothing, and I was focused on the feeling of happiness, the bliss of Brendon's lips against mine. But that moment faded and ended quickly. I pushed him away and took a step back, tears still brimming my eyes.
"Do you think that's going to change what happened?" I cried. "Do you think that's going to make me forget how you yelled at me, and how you're still cutting. This means that you've been lying to me, Brendon, and I can't forget that."
His eyebrows knitted together. "Lacey-" he began, but I cut him off again.
"I don't want you to end up like me, alright?" I asked, my voice shaking. I could feel my hands trembling and I knew what this could lead to. Alright, not could I knew where it was leading to, and exactly how this was going to end.
"So what makes you think that I want you to be this way, either?" he yelled, throwing his hands out to the side, stepping closer to me. He was getting violently angry again, just like he'd been before. It scared me. It terrified me to see him like this, because in all of my time knowing Brendon, I'd only seen him like this a handful of times, and I wasn't trying to sent a new record.
I tried to push him away, but he gripped onto my arms tightly. "I haven't changed since you met me, Brendon. What makes you think I will?" I yelled, fighting him off, but he refused to budge. His grip tightened, and I quickly looked up at him, my eyes wide.
"Then why would I?" he hissed, coming close to me so there was only an inch keeping us apart. "What gives you the reason to stay the same but I have to stop?"
"I told you, because I don't want you to turn into me," I said, still struggling.
He didn't show any signs of stopping, but his wide brown eyes were fiery, the way they always were whenever he was angry. I wasn't used to it directed at me.
"Brendon, stop. You're hurting me," I whimpered, still trying to fight my way away from him.
He released his grip from around my shoulders, and I ran towards the door, but he grabbed my wrist and held it just as tightly. He wasn't through with me yet. "You're going to go out there and hurt yourself. Don't you understand that as long as you're in this, so am I? I can't help myself without you."
I tugged my hand away from him, and he let go, but I only fell back into the wall, trembling. I shook my head. "You know it's not that easy for me."
"You haven't even tried! Don't give me that bullshit!" he yelled, his fists clenched together tightly. "You haven't done anything to change and you know it. You say you stopped, you say that you're changing, but I come back to find that you're still just hiding it all from me. Like those fucking cuts!" he said, pointing towards my thighs. "What good is hiding them? You're just lying to me, now. You're just keeping secrets. You hadn't been helping anyone. You're selfish! That's what you are."
Quickly, I managed to get to my feet. Brendon tried to come at me again, to grab me, but I managed to get away from him and run out the door, quivering all over. I ran to my car and got inside, speeding away. I needed to get away from him. I needed to escape before it got any worse, and I knew the one place where escape was easy.
I pulled up to my house, and ran to the fridge. I'd just gotten a 6-pack of beer--I always kept a few spare in my garage--and today, I knew I'd need them. I grabbed a bottle and opened it up, sitting down in my living room chugging it down. Tears were streaming down my face, and I felt wrapped up in a blanket of regret. I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have said anything. If he wanted to fuck up his life, so be it.
"Do you think that's going to change what happened?" I cried. "Do you think that's going to make me forget how you yelled at me, and how you're still cutting. This means that you've been lying to me, Brendon, and I can't forget that."
His eyebrows knitted together. "Lacey-" he began, but I cut him off again.
"I don't want you to end up like me, alright?" I asked, my voice shaking. I could feel my hands trembling and I knew what this could lead to. Alright, not could I knew where it was leading to, and exactly how this was going to end.
"So what makes you think that I want you to be this way, either?" he yelled, throwing his hands out to the side, stepping closer to me. He was getting violently angry again, just like he'd been before. It scared me. It terrified me to see him like this, because in all of my time knowing Brendon, I'd only seen him like this a handful of times, and I wasn't trying to sent a new record.
I tried to push him away, but he gripped onto my arms tightly. "I haven't changed since you met me, Brendon. What makes you think I will?" I yelled, fighting him off, but he refused to budge. His grip tightened, and I quickly looked up at him, my eyes wide.
"Then why would I?" he hissed, coming close to me so there was only an inch keeping us apart. "What gives you the reason to stay the same but I have to stop?"
"I told you, because I don't want you to turn into me," I said, still struggling.
He didn't show any signs of stopping, but his wide brown eyes were fiery, the way they always were whenever he was angry. I wasn't used to it directed at me.
"Brendon, stop. You're hurting me," I whimpered, still trying to fight my way away from him.
He released his grip from around my shoulders, and I ran towards the door, but he grabbed my wrist and held it just as tightly. He wasn't through with me yet. "You're going to go out there and hurt yourself. Don't you understand that as long as you're in this, so am I? I can't help myself without you."
I tugged my hand away from him, and he let go, but I only fell back into the wall, trembling. I shook my head. "You know it's not that easy for me."
"You haven't even tried! Don't give me that bullshit!" he yelled, his fists clenched together tightly. "You haven't done anything to change and you know it. You say you stopped, you say that you're changing, but I come back to find that you're still just hiding it all from me. Like those fucking cuts!" he said, pointing towards my thighs. "What good is hiding them? You're just lying to me, now. You're just keeping secrets. You hadn't been helping anyone. You're selfish! That's what you are."
Quickly, I managed to get to my feet. Brendon tried to come at me again, to grab me, but I managed to get away from him and run out the door, quivering all over. I ran to my car and got inside, speeding away. I needed to get away from him. I needed to escape before it got any worse, and I knew the one place where escape was easy.
I pulled up to my house, and ran to the fridge. I'd just gotten a 6-pack of beer--I always kept a few spare in my garage--and today, I knew I'd need them. I grabbed a bottle and opened it up, sitting down in my living room chugging it down. Tears were streaming down my face, and I felt wrapped up in a blanket of regret. I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have said anything. If he wanted to fuck up his life, so be it.