In 102 Languages I Love You

As I walked into English class, with my books tightly clutched against me, nerves started to build up in the pit of my stomach. I was ready for this, but I didn't want to be. If i didn't have to be, it meant it never had to happen, which, well, I hoped it hadn't. I pictured Drake all miserable and sad which brought my emotions down, too. It wasn't fair, this wasn't fair. No one should have to do this, ever, not to someone they care about. This reason for a break up was not justified no matter what. I braved the walk as I opened the doors, and swiftly and awkwardly took a seat beside him. From the corner of my eye I could see him right beside me,.

He was my best friend, my dying best friend, but he still deserved the best. And not just because he was dying, but just because he deserved it, for who he was. If I didn't spark up this conversation he'd think I didn't care, and I honestly did, I was just scared, myself. I gulped down a ball of saliva forming at the end of my epiglottis before speaking.

"Drake.." I begin, "how did it go?" I finish.

I watch as everything in his body tenses up. He looks a little too big for his desk. He sits slumped over on it like he didn't have a care in the world. His legs stick out from the bottom of the desk because he's so tall. He's almost glaring down at his books before he even speaks. More students spill into the classroom quickly, and before he can get a word out the teacher just has to come in and ruin everything.

And like any other English class the same old routine is followed. I'm expected to write in my journal for whatever topic the teacher has picked this time. But instead, she decided to surprise us and change things around! "All of you,I know, are done with Night, or so you should be" she says, as she begins to hand out worksheets, row by row for us to pass back.

She hands me five sheets as she walks over to me. I take one for myself and hand it back to the girl I don't even know behind me. I looked down at the worksheet she had handed out. It was a summary and evaluation sheet of the book, and a character web too. "And don't think this is it. We're going to have a critical lens essay on this too!"

Groans brake out everywhere, and I joined in as well. An essay that would give me a grade, a grade that can just pile up onto my other poor grades. "Yeah, I know, terrible." The teacher said jokingly. "For this sheet, however, I will let you guys work in partners. Now go, you have fifteen minutes."

At her last commands I feel relieved. The only person I'd want to work with would be Drake. And instead of 'working' he could tell me how the breakup went, and me, I could be there for him. Immediately, I turn to face Drake and expect him to be facing my way, too. Only, I find him out of his seat, walking towards some guy I don't even know. In those seconds something inside of me snaps, something inside of me begins to panic. What did I do wrong?

"Hey Maddy"

Drake's chair had been occupied by Frank. Honestly, he had been catching me at the worst possible times, now a days. I mumbled a low 'hey' back before trying to concentrate on my paper again.

"So which one do you want to do first? I say we get the easy part down and then the hard one at the end." he said, tapping his pencil against his worksheet. The classroom had broken out in a roar of chattering. How could anyone concentrate like this?

"We can.." I began, before my eyes wondered off to Drake. There were two reasons I couldn't concentrate: one, everyone around me was talking, and most likely talking about something that didn't contribute to their work, and two: Drake didn't want to be my partner. You can call me paranoid, but I wanted to know if he was okay.

"You really need to stop Madison.." Frank mumbled, moving his desk closer to me. "If you show him you're weak then he's winning."

I looked up to meet Franks eyes, surprised he had said something about me staring. "It's not like he's trying to make me suffer on purpose." I argued back. Was he?

"Well, if he wasn't doing this on purpose then I think he would have picked you to work with, you know, being his 'best friend' and all. Come on, why don't we just try to get through this worksheet without you looking at him, or bringing him up. And don't even think about him!" He smiled placing his hand on top of mine.

There he goes! Torturing me again! Obviously the last person on my mind at this very moment is Drake, because there Frank goes again trying to make everything I think about revolve around him. How does he do it? How?

"Can you read minds, Frank?" I asked, knowing how stupid I might have sounded at that very moment. His hands released my own, mission accomplished!

"What?" He asked confused, almost smiling. "Are you sure you're okay, Maddy?" He laughed, lightly.

I felt my cheeks heat up from embarrassment. "I'm fine, now let's get this worksheet done."

If you expected me not to look at Drake at all, and keep my eyes on Frank, well, you're way wrong. I know there was only one person that made me suffer, and it was myself. Because I put all this on myself. Just like the Buddhists said, desire brings suffering and the only way to get rid of your suffering was to get rid of your desire for things. Wouldn't life be awfully boring though if we don't strive for something we wanted? You have to suffer in order to get what you want, because in the end, the road was the whole beauty of it.

Frank was trying to do a good job on getting my attention to stay on him and our work. By the time we were finished I couldn't remember what we had discussed or what we both had written down. My eyes had wondered to Drake once more, he was still working, just like many around the room. "Don't think I can't see you staring Maddy" Frank sighed, shifting his body so he could block my view from Drake. Even if he did move and block him Drake was still tall, and his head and neck was still visible.

"I wasn't looking at him!" I lied, turning my focus back to him.

Frank snorted. "Please, you looked over there like a hundred times. You probably thought about him a thousand though. It's just best if you try to forget he's even in the class. Stop letting him torture you!"

I glare at him, unwillingly. It almost seemed like he had a point. The more I thought about him the more depressed and worried I got. Maybe I really was being paranoid and this was nothing to worry about. Or maybe it was! "I wanna go home!" I wined, placing my head on the cold desk below me.

"Then let's go" I felt him whisper, through my hair. I shivered a little before getting up.

"I didn't invite you" I smile, sticking out my tongue at him. He narrowed his eyes and then let out his high pitch giggle. He stared at me, hard. We both had nervous smiles on. He had something dreamy in his eyes. I don't know who was supposed to look away first, so my eyes stayed glued at his.

"Maddy, wanna know a secret?"

Secrets?

"Sure.."

He sighed shifting in his seat, he looked awfully uncomfortable. "Don't let this add to your load of stress, but I feel like I need to tell someone.."

At his words, I began to get nervous. "Frank just tell me, you're starting to get me worried."

He fiddled with his fingers before looking at me once more.

"I think I need to break up with Whitney."