In 102 Languages I Love You

It was hard to tell you how I felt.

It was hard to tell you what I was thinking.

It's really hard to say..anything.

As every millisecond passed by me, I felt my eyes water by the ounce, and my muscles lose their strength. I told myself not to panic, but it was honestly too hard. My mind re-winded back to the memory of Drake and I, sitting on the sidewalk, talking about what to do if his seat was ever empty.

"Next time you walk into 2nd period English, and you see my seat empty, know that I'm in the hospital, waiting to die.." He took a pause and I grabbed onto his arm hard, trying not to get too emotional. "Please, somehow...get to Newark hospital, as fast as you can. Because, I'd want you by my side then...Okay?"

I even remember his words perfectly, the tone, his expression. I remember what he was wearing, and even how he smelled. I remember the wind rushing through my face, attacking us with the chilly breeze. I remember it. He had his arm tight around my small body, and I was glued on to him, as well. I can still feel the same as I had felt when he was saying all of this. How much of a failure I felt because I couldn't do anything about him dying. How I should just go with him when he's gone. At least I'd leave with a friend, and I wouldn't die alone.
I felt bodies rush by my sides and eyes stare my way. I stood there in their way. I felt my breathing become heavier and shorter. Everyone was probably wondering why I was still standing in the same spot. At that moment, my mind clicked; get to the fucking Newark hospital. But how? I just knew one thing at that moment, and it was to get out of this school as quick as my injured body would let me. As I turned around quickly in order to get out of the room, a force pushed me back.

His face came so close to mine. I felt his lips brush against my cheek as I felt myself always falling backwards. My arms clutched against my body as I tried to keep my balance. It didn't work, but thank god for my batman. He was always there to catch me. I felt his arm grab onto my own before actually falling back. He brought me back up and I kept my balance. "Easy there Maddy, don't want to kill yourself." He smiled.

If my ALS didn't kill me, I knew my feelings for him would. I stood there staring at him for a few quick milliseconds before pushing him aside and began limping my way down the hallway. I didn't get to far, he always had to pull me back. "Are you skipping without me?" He smiled as he walked beside me. "There are a lot of things I wouldn't expect from you Maddy. And skipping is one of them. You little rebel."

I didn't pay attention to his words, because right now they meant absolutely nothing. My binder was still in my arms. I needed to get rid of them or they'd just be one more load I'd have to carry. I looked around frantically for something to lay them on. I kind of forgot Frank was beside me for the next three minutes.

"Maddy?" He asked. "Are you even listening to what I'm saying."

This time, I actually did. I looked up at him. Inside my intestines were twisting, and I was panicking. I need to get to the hospital. I looked up see Frank, and realized something.

"Frank!" I said, saying it like I had just realized he was there. "C-can you do me a favor?"

My throat felt dry and stingy. I could almost feel the pulses inside me jump up and down from the ocean of nerves that had been created. "Yeah, sure what?"

"Y-You need to get me to the Newark hospital! Right now!" I said out of breathe, feeling my eyes beginning to tickle again. I can't, I just can't let myself cry. Someone had to stay strong in this situation, and it had to be me.

His face went white, and concern swam in his pupils. A loud thud was heard and I had realized in seconds he had dropped his books and both his hands were wrapped around both my shoulders. I kind of wish he hadn't done that. They were pressing tight against my skin. "Oh god Maddy. What's wrong? What hurts?"

What's wrong, what hurts?

They were the common words people asked the sick. The common words Drake's mother would ask him whenever he let out a random yelp of pain. The words my own mother would ask me when I wasn't feeling well. I could almost see Drake now, lying in the hospital bed, waiting for me.

"It's not me, it's Drake. He's in the hospital." As those words left my lips, I realized I just wasn't strong enough. Metaphorically speaking, and literally speaking. My own body wasn't strong enough, and neither was my mentality. I let the tears commit suicide from my eyes, and I let them fall off from my the tip of my eyelashes. Frank quickly took my hand.

"Let's go," He said before he pulled me out of the schools front doors, and into the chilly weather outside. I wanted to sprint all the way to his car, and if I didn't have this cast on my freaking leg, I so would have. In five minutes, both Frank and I were straddled in our seats and he had stuck the key into the ignition, making it roar loudly. You could tell how old cars were by how the engine always sounded, and well, Frank's car was pretty ancient.
For the next hour and a half, Frank kept his eyes on the road, and his hands on the wheel. I kept still in my seat, holding on to my left hand tight because my fingers had begun twitching and jumping, my muscles were spazzing inside me.

We sat in silence the whole time. Right now, it spoke louder then anything else. Every time new tears would roll down my cheeks, I would look out the window, making sure Frank wouldn't notice. I had practiced on how to steady my breathing, and how to keep calm. People always tell you "everything will be okay" when one of your loved one is in critical condition. When they're going through something tough. That person actually never knows whether it will be okay, they just lie to you to keep you calm.

Was it okay to lie then? Because that's what I did, I lied to myself. In my head I kept repeating that Drake would be fine, that when I got there, he'd be on his bed watching t.v or something. Even if I knew somewhere locked away in my heart, he wasn't. I tried everything to keep myself occupied. I tried not thinking about the bad things that could be happening to Drake right now. Instead I focused on the good memories we had with each other. Which weren't too many, we needed more time to create more. All I ever wanted out of this, was more, more, more, it made me feel greedy.

Once we were in the actual city of Newark, it took us another twenty or thirty minutes to actual found the city hospital. We had to stop and ask for directions. Well, correction, Frank had to stop and ask for directions. I was to busy sucked in my little world of desperation I could barely function. How does this boy put up with all the walls I build up? He always seems to tare them down easy. You should've seen me speeding down the hospital's parking lot when Frank had finally arrived at the hospital, and finally parked his car.

I had to make this up to him somehow, but right now my mind was more focused on getting to where Drake was. I felt like I almost broke through the glass double doors. Immediately my eyes were attacked by one single color; white, it was blinding. I took a few steps in before feeling completely sick. I turned back to find Frank, only to discover he was standing right outside the door. I quickly walked back to him and opened up one door for him.

"Come on, get inside, we have to find where Drake is."

He looked uncomfortable. He stood there a bit longer and I started losing my patience. "I hate hospitals." He finally said as his face almost looked like it twitched. "This place makes me feel sick.."

"So you're not coming with me?" I asked disappointed. I was shy, I couldn't just go up to some random lady and begin questioning her, I wanted him there.

"Only this time.." He mumbled, and were off again. Frank walked up to this woman behind a counter. Her hair was tied back in a tight bun and her eyes were bigger then they seemed because she wore eyeglasses. He asked what room Drake Calhoun was in and she punched in some letters into her keyboard.

"Are you family?"

Frank eyes wondered down to me. I took a step forward towards the counter. "I'm his sister."
She nodded once more before responding. "Two fifty six, A. It's upstairs, take th-"

"Thanks." I heard Frank say interrupting her because I had already begun trying to speed down the hallway. I looked frantically for a staircase, and when I finally found one, I started hoping on my left leg up each stair step. Frank followed close behind.

"Jeez Maddy, you're going to kill yourself! Calm down, we'll get there, I promise."

I couldn't help myself when I just stared at him and said nothing back. I ignored whatever he was saying, I just couldn't help it. Drake was somewhere in a bed, waiting to die, and I still wasn't by his side. By the time we were upstairs I was looking extra careful at each room number. I didn't have to look to hard, because once I saw Drake's mother and Drake's father outside a certain room, I knew it was his.

Stay strong. As simple as those words seemed to be, they meant a whole lot, and they meant so much. Every step I took between myself and his parents made me weaker and more afraid. I was ready for this. I shouldn't have to be, because he's not supposed to go this early, but I had to prepare myself. By the time I reached his mother, my cheeks were pretty wet from the tears. Frank was close behind me, probably more uncomfortable then I was.

"Oh, Madison honey. How did you get here sweet heart?" Mrs. Calhoun asked me as she
bent down to give me a hug. Her eyes to were puffy red.

I let her arms wrap around me for a few seconds. I inhaled in her choking perfume before she let me go. "That's not important." I hiccuped. "How is he?"

At my words, her lips quivered and her face scrunched up in terror. "Not good Madison, not good.." She whimpered. "He's asleep now, the doctors are inside. They're not letting anyone go in."

This just made situations worse for me. The door to his room was closed, and they weren't going to let me in. "What?" I asked "Why not? I need to see him."

"We all do Madison." His father spoke. His face like stone, it showed no emotion. Only through his eyes could you tell he was in-fact, in sorrow.

The door to his room swung open, and we all took a step back. My heart felt like it had been running a marathon from how fast it was beeping. "Let me in." I ordered as the doctor walked through.

His face looked almost dead, like he too had seen terror. "I'm sorry miss, no one is allowed. He needs his rest, and we can't have anyone in there. Not until a few hours later, or maybe even tomorrow. Please, take a step back."

It was almost like a slap in the face. I hated restriction, I hated limitation. GOD, someone please just let me at least see him. Let me hold his hand, let me just be there beside him!

"Please." I cried. "Please?"

The doctor shook his head. "No."

Rejection never felt so cold.

I felt the tears running down my face. My body got weak from the seconds. I just wanted to fall on the floor right there and cry. Cry for hours, cry for days. I wanted to yell from frustration. I wanted my best friend, I wanted him bad. I felt arms wrap around my back, Franks arms.

"Shhh." He whispered in my ear. "It's going to be okay Maddy, I promise."

Lie.

He didn't even know why Drake was even in here, he had no clue. "I need to see him Frank, I really do." I cried turning around to face him and sinking my nails hard through the cloth of his shirt. " I-I love him." I stuttered

"I know Maddy, I know. But sometimes loving someone isn't enough." He breathed into my hair.

My nose felt stuffy, and my eyes were still flooded with tears. I looked up to his face and answered, "It should be."