In 102 Languages I Love You

"Maddy? Maddy?"

I slowly I felt my body slightly rattle from my dream world into total and complete mess of reality. My eyes took some time to re-adjust to my surroundings. They always hurt from the morning lights attacking them after fighting through my curtains. I always loved it dark in the mornings, but the sun's rays managed to get past my curtains sometimes. My nose felt completely clogged up with mucus and my pillow felt damp from crying so much the night before.

"Your baby smells."

I focused my eyes clearly as i sat up from my bed completely exhausted. I stared over at Dan who was peering into the little cradle where baby Linda was sleeping. "Is Frank a good father?" Dan asked, looking up from the cradle over to me, with a smile smacked right in the middle of his face.

"No," I answered. Dans face fell like dominos, looking confused and curious at the same time. His tongue and lips worked together to say something, but I didn't let him continue. "He's a great father." I finished, smiling to myself, as I fell back in time to yesterdays memories in his car. He said he'd take care of me. He cared. And even if he could never see me as more then just Madison, my 'girlfriend', being Maddy, my 'good friend' was completely fine with me. I'd rather have him in my life as anything if it just meant having him at all.

Dans face quickly brightened again and walked over in my direction. Around siblings looking shitty in the mornings was more then 'okay.' It's not like I needed to impress anyone. You loved your siblings no matter what torture they caused you. Dan and I shared the same blood, DNA and chromosome matching. We were inside each other, as awkward as that sounded.
I stretched my arms, yawning, trying to get rid of 'gods' worst sin; laziness. My eyes wondered towards my alarm and noticed he had woken me up pretty early. School was still in two hours. Not like I was planing to attend today anyway.

"Why did you wake me up so early? Schools not until eight fifty."

He raised an eyebrow and sunk down at the feet of my bed. He was near my cast. That damn thing kept me from having good, comfortable sleeps at night. I'd stay up counting sheep, instead of snoozing. Sleep was good, don't let anyone tell you it isn't!

"You're actually planing to go?"

My eyebrows scrunched up. Did he know? "Mom told you, didn't she?"

"Well...yes...but, you also kind of came home, slammed the door, refused to come down for dinner, or open your door and talk to anyone. Let me also add, you cried yourself to sleep and...you kind of mentioned his name in your sleep." He said counting off all of the reasons on his fingers.

I looked down at my own hands, letting my thick hair curtain up my face. "He just means a lot to me. And knowing he won't be here much longer kind of drives me insane."

Soon, I felt and heard my bed sheets ruffle from Dan's weight shifting towards me. His large hands touched my left shoulder slightly. It was like he didn't know how to touch me, or be affectionate with his sister. We were never on good terms anyway. Getting used to this 'kind' Dan these few days was kind of hard, as ridiculous as it sounded.

"I know he did. That's why I wanted to wake you up bright and early so you can get ready and I could drive you there." He smiled. "Mom doesn't need to know I'm helping you skip school, by the way."

My face scrunched up confused at his 'kindness.' It is weird knowing your brother who treats you like shit for almost your whole life just 'suddenly' acts like the best brother in the world. I guess this lead to my next question.

"Why are you doing this? I thought you hated me."

His face quickly darkened into a light pink color and his eyes darted away from my face. A sickening silence followed the next few seconds as both of us sat there trying to avoid each other. Had I said the wrong thing? 'Cause all I had said was the truth and what I felt. After a few more seconds listening to the wind howl outside my window and the old branches hit against my thick covering he cleared his throat, getting rid of the build of his mucus before vomiting the truth.

"I know I was an ass, Madison. Especially after you were diagnosed with ALS. Which is the weird part since I should've been a better brother to you after you were diagnosed."

"Then why weren't you?" I questioned. I really wanted to know the reason. Why does a brother just despise you that much? Because he's just your brother? It just can't be like that, there is always a reason. It wasn't like he was ten and I was seven, the normal sibling rivalry. Dan was twenty, and I was seventeen, and half his life I wasn't even existing. Why just despise me?

He sighed, bringing his legs up onto my bed. "BECAUSE!" He almost yelled throwing his hands up in there. "Just because.." He said looking over at me, sinking in his eyes into my own. "It was always about you. I'm just an idiot. I was a thirteen year old growing up with a sick sister, growing up with everything having to do with Madison this, Madison that. Everything seemed to just be about you. It led me to hate you. It made me want to be sick so mom would remember I still existed. I'm just an idiot. I was a stupid kid who just wanted to prove to someone I could be something, too. But that never happened. I hated you for it. But now, it's not the same anymore. You have to learn to accept things. And even if things weren't too smooth for both of us, I'm here to play my role now. I'm here to be your brother, because I love you."

It was almost like feeling like a complete piece of shit, and a big puff of cloud all at once. It was my fault my brother had been an ass to me. I took away something kids just love from their parents; to be loved, and to have attention. You want to know you're worth something in front of their eyes. It's just like when a five year old is drawing something amazing. And even if it ends up being just a scribble of lines, once the mother see's it, those scribbled lines are meant to be everything. I was like the burden, but he loved me enough to forget that. It's my fault for being the sick one.

"I'm sorry." I chocked out, trying to sustain tears from pouring out of my eyes. To know you've taken an experience from your brother, and basically made his life my shadow makes me not want to live like this anymore.

Once I'm dead my mother will be free. My brother will be free. I'm not here anymore to be a burden, never. "I'm just that rock in the road. That rock keeping you and mom to live out healthy and happy lives. I'm the one stopping you guys."

"Hey," his voice broke out loud, echoing throughout my room, "don't blame yourself for anything. We would have rather had you in our lives sick, then not at all. You're our Madison, and we love you." He said bringing his big thumb to my face and wiping away the thick fat tear that had escaped my left eye.

"Thanks." I mumbled relaxing. "But before we head to the hospital.." I began trying to get rid of the depression that had hit me before. "I have to go to school and get someone first."

Dan furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head in curiosity.

"Drakes commands." I smiled.