In 102 Languages I Love You

I swear, at that point, everything around me slowed down. I swear I could make out every tiny movement he made with his mouth as those words rolled off his tongue and the shape his lips made to create the sound of the vowels, and constants. The words flowed out of his mouth to enter the space in between us, and were lost for the quickest milli seconds imaginable before the sounds waves, vibrating, and bouncing off each other, slowly made it into my ear drums and my brain decoded what it all meant.

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

Was he allowed to say that? Just because we acted like some couple doesn't necessarily mean we are one, right? I swallowed back a ball of saliva that had formed in the back of throat and was starting to hurt and looked up at him. Every thing felt like it had slowed down. These few seconds passing by felt more like hours than just seconds. I could see my reflection in his eyes. My face was pale like usual, my lips were smooth and not chapped like Frank's. My eyeliner was a little smudged which had created small dark shadows under my eyes. My hair looked kind of messy, every hair trying to stick out from their perfect places. I didn't see anything special about me. What did he see in me?

Let's just get something straight here, maybe all of this was a mistake. Yeah, okay I really liked him, and yeah he was with me even though I was sick, but would that really be fair? How is that fair to either of us? If I really liked him that much, wouldn't I tell him to stay away? I never wanted to see someone like Frank get hurt, ever. He was too much of a genuine, kind, person to ever get hurt like that. But if he stayed with me he will get hurt, I can guarantee it. What would he do after I'm gone?

As months go by I will slowly atrophy away and m muscles would be useless, leaving me paralyzed. Who would look after me? Knowing Frank I know he'd want to be there and I couldn't let him do that. He was only seventeen, he couldn't stay back, and take care of me and watch me die. I had done enough damage to my mom and my brother already in that situation and I couldn't let Frank hop on that same train. I'd want him to be out there enjoying his teenage life while he still could. I didn't want him to be looking after me for the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, until I'd be dead. I just would not allow that.

I watched as he shook his head, waiting for my answer. I could see him, but my mind was somewhere else. It was almost like I couldn't respond. My mouth and tongue had dried up and my throat became stingy. But I really like this guy.

"Maddy?" He asked as his fingers brushed against the exposed flesh on my arms. The skin coat on his finger tips felt like they had tiny spikes, spikes that sent painful stinging sensations as they grinded against my skin. He loosened the grip around me, taking a better look at my face. I wish he hadn't asked this right now. I wanted both of us to enjoy this little show, for his grandfathers sake! I wanted to enjoy this with Frank and feel like I was someone important for meeting his grandfather. But he just had to pop that question now!

"Maddy? Maddy, did you hear my question?" Frank asked, sinking himself in, deep into my eyes. He almost looked a bit scared. He looked at me like he was kind of confused. I kind of would be to if I was in his shoes.

"Yeah, I heard you" I said, trying to keep my voice calm and steady. I failed though, my voice sounded hoarse and crackly.

"So?" He asked chewing on his lip grin, a nervous grin spreading across his face.

I know if I like him and I I should say yes, right? I mean, this man was quite amazing. He made me like someone for the first time, ever. I haven't known him for to long, and yet, I feel like he's gotten with me through so much. I learn new things from him everyday. He's so amazing. What's holding me back?

Fuck it right? I like him!

That didn't stop me though, from not following what I felt.

"No, I can't, I'm sorry."