In 102 Languages I Love You

One Month Later

It's been exactly a month and six days since Drake was out of my life.
It's been exactly a month and five days since I've felt alive.
It's been exactly a month and four days since I have seen Frank Iero.
It's been exactly a month and a day since his funeral had occurred.
It's been exactly a month and thirteen hours since I have stepped into high school.
It's been exactly twenty nine days since Dan turned twenty-one, he was now legal.
It's been exactly twenty seven days since the Calhoun's have started looking for a new home.
It's been exactly twenty six days since the New Years, and I'm still here.
It's been exactly twenty five days since I started homeschooling again.

It's nineteen ninety eight, I'm still here, I'm still breathing, and I'm still strong, but things have drastically changed since last September. I don't feel the same as I did after Drake passed away. For once, I had been happy, excited, feeling like I could be with Frank knowing someone saw me more then just Madison, my friend. I had felt like I had really been living. But when people like Drake leave your life, they take things from you, things that are to hard to get back. He took the remaining spirit, the fire, still burning in me. I didn't have a lighter to bring back what I used to have, to ignite it once more. The world was now different shades of gray, just like my world had been before Frank Iero tackled me down, literally. Everything had gone to how it used to be.
I was fine.

But that was it, all I was, was just fine, just content. My grades had gone back up, like they were before high school. I didn't get sick like I used to, because I stayed inside all day, keeping warm. Everything was normal, everything felt like it had once used to. I thought feeling like this again would be okay, but it wasn't. There was nothing to enjoy here, and I knew Mom and Daniel both took notice of this. They would constantly be pushing me to do something. I never did them, though. I don't know how long it's been since I've smelled the the fresh air, felt the gusting wind's blow through my hair trying to topple me over, or how long it's been since the sun has actually touched my skin. Well, until now. I was living the whole simple life. There were never to many demands and nothing I strived for. Nothing ever happened.

Whenever Dan brought his crew over here I'd be upstairs reading, or writing. Whatever it was, I was far away from them. Sometimes, I'd hear one of them coming up the stairs. I'd listen closely as their footsteps approached my door, and stop right in front of it. I could also hear their fingers running through the wood. They'd stay there for a couple of seconds, before walking into Dan's room, or the bathroom across from my own. I had never made out the different types of squeaking their feet made in my house, because they were never here before I became 'anti social'. I just knew that almost every time they were here, there was always different types of footsteps. After a couple of weeks, I had learned to distinguish them. But after distinguishing each one, I noticed they were always four different types of steps, only four. And yet, Dan's 'crew' was five not including Dan. Which meant, one of them never came up here to see me. That was fine with me though, I didn't really care much.

By now Dan no longer tried to get me to talk to his friends. He always told me how Gerard asked how I was doing. How Mikey missed me, because he was mad that I had stopped going to public school. Bob said he wanted me to have some more of his spaghetti, that he had gotten better at cooking. Or that if I showed myself, Ray would let me play with his hair. His hair was really fascinating. He never did mention Frank though, he always seemed to leave him out. I don't know if it was because Frank never said anything about me, or because Dan just didn't want to mention him.

"Okay hun, how do you want your hair to be cut?"

My long hair was only a few inches away at reaching my waist, and I had never been fond of really long hair. Mom and I both agreed it was about that time to get it cut. I had always found my hair boring, but I wasn't one to go ahead and go for a drastic change. After spending ten minutes of her washing it completely, and wrapping me in one of those hair dresser cloaks, the woman was ready cut.

"Something simple." I replied, "Let the hair rest a bit below my shoulder, in choppy layers. I used to have it that way. I've always had it that way.."

The hairdresser smiled, and began clipping away at my hair as I stared ahead at my reflection. I felt like I looked different. There was something about my face that changed. It was hard to say I was still the same Madison Darko I was two months ago. And as much as I really wanted to be the same Maddy, strings pulled me back, and kept me nailed down. The girl I saw in my reflection was destroyed. The pieces were scattered everywhere, and getting them all back together is harder then anyone imagined, especially if she was already weak to begin with.

I missed how things used to be. I missed seeing Frank almost everyday, I missed the feeling he gave me. The feeling I had never wanted to go away. I missed having the best friend to lean on, the guys to make me laugh and entertain me. I missed every single thing about how things were. I knew I was the only one who could bring all those things back, and yet I didn't.

I sat in that same stiff chair for another forty minutes, until ten inches were cut off from my head, and my hair now fell a bit below my shoulder, in choppy layers, and side bangs. I had suppressed all the burning winds that were attacking my face as the blow dryer was brought close to my cheeks when the lady tried to get my hair straightened and rid of my bouncy curls. "They fit your face well, do you like it?"

My haircut this time looked a lot more different then all the other times. I actually felt like I looked good, for some reason. "Yeah, I like it, thank you." I said as she pulled off the cloak from around my neck, and dusted the hair that had stuck on from my clothing. She walked away, and Mom followed her to pay, as I got off from my chair and took a look at my new haircut. I turned my body to observe it in different angles.

"It looks nice Madison, are you read to go?" Mom asked, pushing money into her purse. Mom looked at me, and spoke to me the way she used to before I was rebelling and almost acting like a normal teenager. Her voice had softened up, and that spark in her eyes always glowed when she'd take a look at me.

Sometimes, I wonder if it hurt her to look at me. Not because I was her daughter, and she'd watch me die as every single phase passed, but more on my appearance. According to Dan (who was only four when I was born, so I don't know why I feel like trusting him in this one) I looked like Dad. Daniel said he had a few pictures of him, Mom, and Dad shoved somewhere in his room, and that I was almost a spitting image of him. I don't know how well that works either because he was a man, and I am a woman. I wonder if she looked at me and missed the man she had fallen in love with. The man she decided to settle down with, marry, and have kids with. Whatever really happened?

I wasn't out to blame myself for my Dad leaving, but at a point in her life, did she ever hate me? Did she carry me in her arms and wish I was never born? I didn't even know if I was the cause for their split, but I do know, he left sometime after I was born. Frank had once asked me if it bothered me that he wasn't here. I had told him it didn't, I didn't think about it, because in all honesty I didn't really consider him my dad. But, would he show up at my funeral? What did he make of his life? I stared at my mother from the corners of my eyes and took a look at her face as she stared forward at the road. How does a woman of her age feel whenever she sees a man and a woman together in love? Does she feel lonely because she has no one their for her?

I made sure not to asphyxiate myself even more in my thoughts, and tried to diminish anymore thoughts to enter my head. I rested my skull against the car window and closed my eyes, waiting for fifteen long minutes until we reached home. I could feel my skull vibrating as it ticked against the plastic window every now and then. After about twenty minutes the car was slowly ceasing in rumbling, and I could feel myself opening up my eyes slowly once more; light peeking through my eyelids.

I stepped out of car to find snow melting in between the cracks of the sidewalks, and turning into liquids, yes! The sun above me burned away at the snow, and for that, I was grateful. I stood in front of our house, taking in the scent of what it felt like to be free again.

"Madison, aren't you coming in?" Mom asked as she stood at the doorway, looking impatient, tapping her foot on our maroon rug. I inhaled in the chilly wind once more, sucking it into my system and closed my eyes.

"I think I'm going to go for a little walk.." I said, opening my eyes as Mom shrugged, not arguing and shutting our house door. I turned my body to face the right or left, not caring wherever my feet would drag me this time.

I think the last time I walked aimlessly around the neighborhood was the time Drake and I first hung out. I think it was the time we both went to some place to have food and satisfy both of our fatty needs. See, and that's one thing that scares me. I didn't remember the date, what he was wearing, were we went, what he ordered, how he held his spoon or how he chewed on his food. It's those tiny details that made that day special, and it hasn't been that long, and yet I still can't remember.

My legs and feet worked together to transport me four blocks away from my own house, when I was stopped by familiar voices, and the site of big moving trucks just ahead. I stuffed my hands into my jacket pocket and continued my walk towards the Calhoun's Residence, where Mrs. Calhoun stood outside, carrying a big brown box in her hands. Now I would have greatly offered to help her, but I'd mostly likely drop it from it being to heavy.

The day I found out they were moving was the day I realized Drake Calhoun was slowly disappearing out of my life. But the problem with that was, I didn't want him erased from it! I had heard from mom that they had recently found a home in New York in some place called Massapequa. I had never left the state, so I wouldn't know anything about New York. Although, once I was close to making it there..

When she spotted me, her eyes shined from the reflection of the sun's angles and she placed the box on the floor. I watched every step she made towards me, and felt her long arms embrace me in a tight hug. She kind of had to bent down a lot because she was a lot taller then I was, and I bet that was annoying. "Madison honey. I feel like I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

Boy what a question! "My lungs can still pump air into my body, my brain seems to working fine, I'm not deaf nor blind, I can walk on two legs, and have five fingers on each hand and five toe's on each foot. I think I'm good. How are you?"

The left side of her lip almost pulled buck into a smile for a second before she ran her fingers through my black hair. "I'm holding up. I see you've cut your hair. I love it! You look beautiful!"
At the thought of being called 'beautiful', I blushed and bent my head low a bit. "Thank you." I mumbled feeling embarrassed. My eyes left her face and they wondered over to Men bringing out furniture from their home. "So you're really moving to New York, then?"

My eyes darted back to her face, which had hardened a bit. "I haven't been able to even walk in his room Madison, it's just too hard. You know, my husband and I have always wanted to move out of Jersey, but Drake loved it here for some reason, so we stayed. But now, just about everything here reminds us of him, and it's just a bit too painful."

I nodded, semi understanding her. "C-can I go..a-and see his room?" I asked without really thinking about what I was saying. Did I really want to see his room?

She smiled through a hardened face and mildly red eyes. "Go ahead honey." She said stepping out of my way. I gave her a small nod, and made my way across her front lawn towards the entrance of her house. I waited for the other men carrying stuff to pass right by, before entering the small comforting home. I knew exactly where his room was, but that still lead me to taking about ten minutes to actually get myself standing outside his door.

Instead of the normal 'KEEP OUT' or 'STAY OUT' signs every teen seemed to have on their door, his actually said 'WELCOME', which caused me to slightly smile. He was always a kind kid. My fingers wrapped around the doorknob, and in that minute I wondered if Drake was the last one to touch it. If his finger prints were now on my hands.

I turned the knob, peeking through the door and letting my eyes explore his room. Everything was in the same place I had last seen it. His bed sheets were wrinkled, and his bed covers spilling over on to the floor. Posters hung on the wall of some Bands he liked, or of cars. Clothing was draped on the floor, his dresser spilled with different random items. This all defined Drake, it was all him.
I walked over to his huge bed and sat myself on the comfortable mattress, looking at his room once more. The window was slightly opened, and cool air managed to squeeze it's way through the creases. His closet door was wide opened, giving me a view of his different taste in dressing. Dust was accumulating on top of his old TV he had across from his closet, and as I closed my eyes, I could almost picture him in that blow up chair he had at the corner of his room.

I rested my body on his large bed, and squirmed over to the center of it, grabbing his pillow and thrusting the cool material into my face. It smelled like him to. His aroma was still in this bed, he had been the last one to rest on here. I could slowly feel his spirit twirl around my body, becoming something part of me. I lay on my side, facing the door, and when I re-opened my eyes, his alarm clock sat in front of me, on his small night table. I got up from the bed and scooted closer, grabbing the piles of papers that were scattered all around it.

His handwriting.

It had always fascinated me, because boys always wrote messy. Yet, his were more neater then my own! I skimmed through the doodles we had drawn together during English, and the silly notes we had passed to make each other laugh. God, how I missed him!

I let out a shaky breathe, taming my breathing. My hand extended out to put the book back, but something landed on my foot. I looked down to notice it was an envelope, but that wasn't the interesting part. In the middle, his neat slightly cursive handwriting was written, but that wasn't the interesting part either. The interesting part was, what was written on it:
To Maddy cakes:

I bent down and snatched the envelope, embracing it in my hands. Slowly I ripped it up,
and began to read..