In 102 Languages I Love You

"W-what?" I ask in an airy breathe trying to get her words through my head. I watch as her eyes get puffy red, and tears begin to form in the creases of her eyes. My heart accelerates in a trillion of a second, and suddenly I feel as if something has cut my heart right opened.

"Oh my god" I gasp, trying to get air running through my lungs as the seconds pass because it becomes harder. I can feel everything in my body suddenly get weak, and I feel as if I'm sinking into the chair I'm in. Everyone around me starts babbling, and saying things my mind can't seem to grasp on to. No, no, no, no, no this is a mistake, a big, huge mistake. She's not dead!

"SHE WAS FINE WHEN I SAW HER THIS MORNING!" My mouth yells as tears are running down my cheeks; the temperature inside my face getting more hot from the pressure, and the lump inside my throat killing me from trying to sustain tears. I shake my head. Fuck, I wasn't there!
That was my biggest fear.

All the women, and the one man rush to my side, whispering consoling words I just can't grasp onto. Madison can't be gone, she can't, not this soon, not now!

A million thoughts, and questions are forcing themselves through my conscience, and everything just hurts so bad. The tears oozing out of my eyes sting at my face, and I realize I can't breathe, not while all of these people are surrounding me, stealing my own precious air. I leap out of seat, and everyone gets alert. I need to see her.

"I love Madison, she knows that. She hasn't left me." Is all I get out before my feet are scrambling out of the office, and voices are yelling behind me.

I hear my name being called over, and over again, even when I reach outside of the school, and felt the twenty degree weather pierce at my skin, and the wind swallow me up. It doesn't affect me at all. I don't know what to do. With instinct taking over my legs begin to run, and run fast. Memories begin to flood my head, and more tears fill up my eyes fogging up my view. I run. I run past everything, and everyone. I run until my legs are aching, I'm panting, when I'm gasping for air, when I can't run anymore. I run until I reach her house, where she'll be waiting for me on her bed like she has been for the past week now. My shaky legs walk up the steps, and I let out a short breathe. I close my eyes.

And When I open them, every thing's going to be alright. She'll be healthy, and we'll be happy. Just how things are supposed to be.

My hands wrap around the knob. I feel as if everything I've ever done has been building up for this moment. I turn it, and hear a small click. My eyes are drying, and I'm sniffing a little. Everything is going to be fine.

The old door makes small squeaking sounds as I push it open slowly, and the sound waves bounce off of everything, and rattling the small Darko home. It's empty. Without hesitation my feet rush me through the small living room, a narrow hallway, and rush up the stairs. I turn to face another hallway, and stare down all the doors to my sides. Behind two doors hide her mothers room, and another belongs to her brother. The third door is a small bathroom that smells of strawberries.

Weights feel like they're bringing my legs down as they walk towards her door. The picture of Gregg Ginn is loosely hanging by a thumbtack. I smile at the man Madison, and I adore before my knuckles lightly knock on her door. I don't know whether I should walk in a couple of seconds later. I mean, she can't talk properly, and is too weak to even say 'come in.' I don't walk in though. And when I knock again, and don't receive another response my heart constricts, and nerves begin to cook under my skin. I knock one more time; the anticipation is just itching away as my conscience thinks the worst.

Dear god, please tell me you haven't taken her away from me. Not now, not yet, not this soon.

Finally as my eyes begin to sting again I gulp down air, and walk in. All the air that was once inside my lungs are squeezed out when I stare into an empty bedroom. Everything is in the same exact place as it was this morning before I left, expect the area surrounding her resting spot. Her covers are spilling onto the floor, and a couple of things are knocked over. I don't know how I do it, but my feeble legs walk over to her bed, and I sit myself on the spot where she is supposed to be lying on. "Where are you Maddy?"

I didn't know whether I was expecting an answer or not. I didn't know what to feel. Every single part of my body felt as if it was aching. I slowly set my body down on her bed, and hugged her pillow; suffocating myself with in it. She had only been lying on this a couple of hours before, hanging on for dear life. I hugged the pillow, and let more tears escape my eyes. Her dead skin cells were on this, her germs; everything she radiated off. I was bathing myself with in her remaining.

There are times in our lives where we step back, and let the world step in. I lie in her bed, my eyes prickling hot, and her face, smile, all rushing through my eyes. Everything around me is still moving. The students are in class right now, the president is working, the firefighters are putting out fires, people are dying. She's just one more on the list today, one more for the world to take. They've taken my Madison, my girlfriend, the girl who had become my world in such little time.

I inhale into the pillow, and try to keep her scent with in me. I want her smell to be inside my body, and let those specific airwaves help me live. I slide off the bed, and gulp down a shaky breathe. I feel my lungs vibrating like my mad as the air is released. My feet scramble around the house as I find the exit. I try to make sure to look at everything around me. There's her sneakers, her scarf, her books, her favorite painting, her earrings, her cheap shampoo. My hands wined around the knob, and I'm exposed to the cold weather. My legs begin to walk quickly down the sidewalks because my car is still in the school parking lot. I don't know where I'm going exactly, but they're just moving.

Everything is fogging up around me, and my mind is only concentrating on one thing, questioning a million different things. Where is Madison now? My eyes shut tight as I pass that certain side walk, and my mind rushes immediately back to that specific day. I didn't like her yet. She was still a little 'weird' to me.

"Maddy, Maddy, Maddy, Maddy, you're such a goody too shoo's! Everyone knows that when there's wet pavement you're supposed to write something in it!"

She narrowed her eyes at me, a smile playing on her lips as she stared at the stick with caution."Watch, oh little one.." I tease stepping towards the wet pavement.

She walked closer to me, passed the orange cones, and observed as I wrote 'FAI WAS HERE', the hanging her the stick.

"Your turn!"

She sighs, signaling I had the victory this time, and takes the stick from me. "I'm guessing FAI are your initials?" She asks

"Well some one's smart!" I snort, bouncing slightly on the heels of my toe as her hand starts to engrave her own little message on the wet pavement.

She wrote 'MCD', and then wrote 'WAS HERE TOO =]'

"Nice smiley face..." I smile softly, looking up to meet her face.

"Thanks." She mumbles, almost blushing as she throws the stick back on the ground, and steps out of the cone area. I signal with my head to keep on walking. She trails back a bit. I notice she's staring down at the sidewalk. That's when I realize that Madison's initials, and I are on that pavement, together, forever.

I blink away the tears as my mind re focuses back into the present. I didn't like Madison from the begining. I had my own girlfriend that I cared for, Whitney. I didn't like her from first sight, I didn't like her after the first time we spent time together, or any of that cheesy crap. I don't know when it was exactly that I started liking her. And I had no idea when I had started falling in love with her. I'm not sure when she even became my everything.

It's just incredible how easily she was taken away from me. How easy it was to lose someone you loved.

My legs are soon passing the park where even more memories of her, and I had been created. It was the place she had sledded down the snowy hill, and broken her leg. It was the same place I had met her outside a week after knocking her down. It was the same place she had rejected me for about the tenth time. This park holds our everything. My legs are soon making their way through the park, searching their way to Madison's favorite thing:the swings. She had told me it was the closet she could get to flying, and she loved the feeling. I sit myself down on the swing we had sat on the night of Christmas Eve. But now, when I turn to my right, all I see is an empty swing.

I could see her sillouhette from a far distance. The cold was biting away at my skin, and the snowflakes slowly descending from the sky. I could tell it was her, it was always her. I clear my throat, letting my saliva run down my throat. "Maddy?"

As soon as my voice had entered her ears, her muscles had relaxed from tensing up earlier, and I heard her sigh.

"Frank, what are you doing here?" She asks as my legs begin to mow through the thick layer of snow as my converse sunk into the white wonderland.

"I couldn't sleep" I mumble truthfully, taking a seat beside her on the swings, securing my hands around the metal handles. I knew I found myself constantly staring at her when she was in thought, so I guess that's why she let her dark hair curtain up her ghostly face.

I don't know how long we sat there in silence, probably a couple of minutes. All I knew was that my eyes were glued on to her face. I knew my hands were itching to carass her cheeck, to wined my fingers into her hair, or wrap my arms around her small freezing body. I wanted to feel her skin, or even make small talk. I just stared and wondered why she didn't want to give me a chance, why she didn't want to give me a chance. I didn't understand her. She confused the shit out of me.

"You're never going to give me a chance, are you? You're always going to say 'No' whenever I ask you to be my girlfriend, right? I'm just wasting my time spending time with you, trying to let you see it's okay to be in a relationship, aren't I?" I ask, almost glaring at the thought of it. It came down to the point to almost despising her for making me hurt this bad.

She had a thing for making me hurt all the time, and a thing for making me cry over a girl.

"Madison, I need you."
I stare up into the sky as new, fresh, salty tears begin to roll down my cheek again. I think it's bullshit when people say 'Men don't cry.' Any fucking man can cry whenever he wants to. It doesn't make me less then any other man. If I cry, I cry. My fingers tighten around the metal handles, and stare into the endless sku. Only, it's not so endless. I don't think anything is ever endless. Forever has it's end to. Everything fades at one point. A small breeze passes by, and I shiver. I swear it whispers something, and I swear it feels like Madison. My eyes close, and for a second I tense up when I feel movement.

My eyes re open, and I try to wipe away my tears. I know my eyes are probably bloodshot, and I look like shit, but I don't care. Not far, stands a girl. She's short like Madison, but everything else is completely different. I feel as if I've seen her before with her short dark hair, light skin, and her freezing Hazel eyes; just like my mothers. I feel like I know her.

"A-are you okay?" Her voice stutters, and she hesitates as she takes steps closer to me. I get a better view of her face, and keep wiping my eyes.

I get up from the swing, and shuffle past her, mumbling 'I'm fine.' I know it might seem rude, but right now I don't need some stranger budding in. I need my girlfriend.

Walking off I can feel that girl's eyes burning at my back. She's done the same thing before, somewhere. I don't try to think too hard though, I keep walking and forget about the random stranger. My house is only one more block away, and I have no where to go but head home. What else am I supposed to do?

The naked tree's around me all swayed in harmony, back and forth, in the same rhythm with the wind. The tattered streets stretched from one end of this town, to the other. Cracks below me adorned it well, giving it a shitty look which made it fit with everything else. The ends of my fingertips, and the cartilage of my ears were fading into a nasty red pigment. I hugged my self tightly to insulate my own heat as I took my last few steps towards my house. Stay strong for the people that can't, Frank.

My hands grabbed onto the knob and turned to walk inside. I had one of those old fashioned houses, that when you open it up, the first thing you see is the living room. you kind of just walk into the living room. And when I did walk in, I found my mother sitting on the couch holding a steaming cup of coffee in her hands. Her hair was wild, and sticking up in weird places. She stands up when she sees me standing in the doorway. Her makeup is smeared on her face, and she looks so relieved.

"Oh Frank..." She mumbles in an airy tone before she sets her coffee down on the small coffee table, and grabs me into a tight hug.

It takes me a while, but my own trembling, feeble arms wrap around my mom's small torso. I can feel my eye's beginning to prickle again.

"M-Mom...s-she's g-gone, Mom. S-she's gone." I breathe into her hair, holding on tightly.

"I know sweetie, I know..." Her nails are clinging onto the interior of my jacket.

"M-Mom it just hurts so bad."

I want her back.