In 102 Languages I Love You

She's gone.

I had never thought it was possible to be suffocating in my own house. I had bought my house with my own money, a home I had decorated myself, a home that I shared with my...kids. I don't know how much of kids they are anymore, but they will always still be kids to me. I can't just call them an adult, and teenager, it sounds odd. Kids fit well.

She had kind of taken my air with her, leaving me to breathe on something my lungs couldn't work with. Every thing just hurts so bad. But I'm taking it strong. There was something she asked me not to do when she was gone, and now that she's gone, I plan to do what she asked me.
She told me not to cry.

I didn't keep that request yesterday however, or the day before that. I cried until my eyes were sore, until they hurt from crying so much. Everything just hurt so bad. I'd lie in bed because I was too weak to move. My knees trembled the first night, and Dan had to help me with everything I did. I had known she was going to leave me before I could leave her. But I always wished I'd leave before she could. I was a parent, born years before my own child. I wasn't supposed to be picking out the clothing she'd be buried in, I wasn't supposed to claim her body, I wasn't supposed to be arranging my daughter's funeral. She was supposed to be doing that with me.

I hug tightly on her pillow, and try to remember everything about her. She held her pencil in an odd manner, and often burped at the dinner table. I'd always get mad at her for this, but she'd go on ranting how it was 'just natural.' She had this sort of odor to her, that whenever she walked near me, I could tell it was her. Her favorite flavors for anything doing with candy, was grape. Black was her least favorite color, or 'shade.' She said she liked more colorful things that could brighten things up, rather then something dull. There were so many things I knew about her. Yet, so many things I had missed out on. I needed my little girl back.

But I won't get her back.

I shut my eyes, and inhale into her pillow. I've felt her little miniature hands with in my own when she was just a couple of hours old. I've felt those hands grow into a small child, into a child, an adolescent. But I'll never have those hands grow into an adult, or into a mother. I've seen her go through too many phases, and I've put up with her mood swings. I wanted to be there with her for so much more. I just wanted those memories. All I have left of her now is her room. This to me, is the second best thing. This room is what makes Madison, Madison.

I guess if I told you the hardest part of this is going through this with just my son. My parents were flying in tomorrow, but they didn't know Madison like we did. I didn't have any other family really. I was alone, alone with just my son, and I. It's all the family I ever really had.



She's gone.

"I think you should just move it over there. Over here it looks kind of...funky."

I look up to Tiffany's face as she tried to order me around. "I think it looks fine here. Can we just move on? It's perfectly fine over here!" I yell, not being able to control my anger that had been boiling under my skin for no apparent reason these past two days.

She looks down at me, her eyes full of concern. She lets go of her new desk she had bought for her apartment, and walks slowly towards me. I feel the couch sink in as she sits herself down beside me. I can feel her pupils sinking into my bloodstream, fighting through my veins. I hated how she thought she knew me this well. How she thought I was just that easy to read. "What?" I snap, finally get annoyed to my boiling point.

Her eyes look soft, and she almost looks hurt. For a split second I feel guilty when she sighs.

"Dan, I think maybe you should head home. Maybe you, and your mom should just spent time together. She's all you have now."

I'm glaring at her by the end of her sentence. I don't understand why people think I'm hurting, why they think I need to cry over my sister. Yeah, she's gone, yeah I'll miss her. But I don't need to spend my time crying over it..."I-I'm fine, Tiff. Really I am! Why does everyone think I'm not? I'm oh-fucking kay!"

She leans in towards me, caressing my cheek, and rests her head against mine. Her fingers move towards my hair, and get lost with in it. "No, you're not." She whisperer's lightly. Her breathe tickles my ear, and I shiver.

My eyes close, rewinding back to the times when Madison was fine, and I was fine. She wasn't much of an active child when she was fine either. I think it was just something in her to be somewhat...different then most girls. We would eat ice cream together on Friday nights before I turned twelve, and decided hanging out with my sister wasn't cool. We'd watch re-runs of stupid cartoon shows they were airing. We'd always end up in a sticky mess, and I'd have to clean her up or mom would yell at me. She'd call me 'Dan, Dan' back then. That is, until I told her to stop. There came a time when she became 'un cool', and I had to be a 'macho' guy who can't be with his sister.

Then, after she was diagnosed, everything revolved around her. At first, I didn't care. I liked it that she had all the attention because I could get away with stuff since Mom was too preoccupied with her. Later, I came to realize I was living in a little corner in our house, and no one was there to pay me a little visit. I didn't have any attention. She took that away from me. She was always taking everything away from me. But it didn't matter. She could take it away from me as much as she wanted too if mom and I could have her back.

Because through it all, I loved her.

I saw her go through it all. I was there the last millisecond of her life. It was just her, and I. I watched as the tiniest life held with in her stare left her body.

I watched her die.

I felt Tiffany's fingers wiping away the tears that had squeezed through my shut eyelids.

"I'm not okay."



She's gone.

"Mikey", is all I say to mom, before she nods, and sighs a bit walking off towards his room. Now, I am face to face with Dad who stands in long old guy jeans, his gray hair tucked under his ears.
He didn't really know Madison. I don't think any of us really knew her that well. But we knew her enough to know she was something special.

"I think your Mom, and I are thankful for having two healthy kids."

Healthy?

I walk past him, giving him a light pat in back, and head towards the basement, my room. I guess the last person who should be talking about living his life to the fullest would be me. I'm stuck at home, locked in some basement for hours and hours, not even leaving for even food. I sit, and just draw. It's all I can do. I sit in the dark with my weapon; a pencil. I tried to draw Madison the other day. It didn't come out to well. One, because I'm used to animation since it's my specialty. And two, because I can't seem to remember her face well. Which really creeped the shit out of me. It's only been two days, and I can't remember her face that well? What about in ten years?
I slump myself down in the same chair I've been sitting myself down for the past year now. I wonder how Frank's doing. I wonder how Dan's doing, how his mother is doing.

I wasn't one for liking kids too much. And to me, Madison was kind of a kid. She was tiny! I know she was seventeen, but heck I could mistake her for a thirteen year old. The girl looked like some alien, but she was beautiful. I take my pencil from the desk and place it down on the paper.
I was the first one beside Dan's mom, and Dan himself to know Madison was sick.

It was kind of odd to just look at a girl you barely knew, and know she was going to leave this earth soon. Death had always kind of fascinated me. And wherever she was now, she's free from pain.

I close my eyes, and stretch on the chair. I used to call her 'kid' all the time, and she never liked it. It was the day she had fallen at her house, and we took a walk to the park when she found out I knew. And it was that same day she told me to call her 'Madison', and not kid.
My head stares up at the ceiling.

"Hey kid, I'll miss you."



She's gone.

"Mikey, you've got to get up." Mom's voice repeated in my head over, and over again. Her long, black, manicured nails punctured my skin, softly. They created shivers that ran down my arm as I hugged tightly on my pillow.

Two days is long enough.

"Mikey, we're all suffering from this. It's not all you. God knows how her mother is feeling right now."

God knows how Frank is feeling right now.

I've never seen him love a girl so much.

I nod against my pillow, and sigh. I get up softly from the bed as Mom sits herself down across from me. My head feels itchy, and I feel gross. I haven't showered since she was proclaimed dead. My fingers wrap into a ball, and no rubber handle is felt around it. I was the one in charge of wheeling her around whenever we took her out. We had all been giving some sort of 'job.' We all loved Dan, we all loved Madison. He told us he needed some people to help her out, and of course we agreed.

"Her funeral is tomorrow. We've got to find something nice for you and Gerard to wear."

I slump back into my chair, and sigh shaking my head.

"I think the last thing Madison would want someone wearing at her funeral would be something black. I'm pretty sure she'd love big bright balloons, and people dressed in all different colors. Actually, she'd probably want people partying at her funeral. We had that talk in secret."

Mom smiles, before patting me knee lightly.

"Oh Michael, hurry up and shower so we can go get something nice at least." She says walking out of my small room.

I hear her talking to Dad, and Gerard shuffling downstairs. I lie myself back down; my eyes wide open. There in my ceiling hangs the painting I knew she'd really love. The girl sitting on that bus stop is in black and white, but her balloons are different colors. The only colors to the picture.

Too bad Madison never got to see it.



She's gone.

"Maybe...we should visit Dan?"

Ray shakes his head at this, and grabs his guitar. "I think Dan is with Tiff." He sighs before strumming some chords on his guitar. He's lying on his couch, staring up into the ceiling.
I never completely understood Ray, so I wouldn't try to guess what he's thinking right now. I, on the other hand am trying to concentrate on the TV, rather then let my mind slip to...Madison.
Oh, too late.

We're all stuck at each others house. We've all hugged Dan, and his mother a million times. We've all spoken our words of sympathy. And I was never really good at those things either. They kind of made me uncomfortable because death made me uncomfortable. And knowing Madison was gone, that too made me uncomfortable.

Knowing I didn't get to know her too well made me uncomfortable.
I felt like I missed out on someone that could have done something for me. And now, I didn't have that chance anymore.

"Maybe we should...play video games?" I say turning to Ray again. He shakes his head against the pillow, once again rejecting another one of my ideas.

I was one of those guys who tried to keep himself preoccupied so his mind wouldn't wonder off to Madison, which it always did anyways whenever I tried to fight against it. Everything was revolving around her now. I think it was on us the hardest. We were there helping her through her last stages before she...went. I was the one who brought her my Mr. Beans. I had to distinguish all of them to her. It came to me as a shock she didn't even know what they were! Can you believe that?

I also made her spaghetti.

That was my favorite part out of it.

The first time she spent time with us was when Frank, Madison, Mikey, and I couldn't 'attend' the '20 year old party or over' Gerard, Ray, and Dan had headed too. I tried to teach Madison how to make spaghetti, because it was honestly the easiest thing. Then when it was done, she didn't want to eat it because she didn't trust me! I had no one to smother ravioli with now.

"Hey Ray..." I say once more. "Are you hungry?"

His hands stop strumming chords, and they wonder to his small afro. He scratches his head before I see him nod his head. "I'll make spaghetti."



She's gone.

"Maybe...we should visit Dan?"

I shakes my head at Bob's comment, again, and grabs my acoustic guitar.

"I think Dan is with Tiff." I sighs before strumming some chords on my guitar, letting my fingers dance down the strings. I'm lying on my old couch, staring up into the ceiling.

I can feel Bob staring at me from the corner. His blue eyes are trying to read me, I know it. My fingers keep dancing on the same keys over, and over again. There was this certain tune Madison could only play. She had told me that she wanted to learn how to play guitar, it was something she had admired for a while. I told her I played, and I would teach her.

I told her I would teach her before her hands gave out on her.

She was actually kind of good. Her hands were too small to actually play some fast tunes because her fingers wouldn't reach the strings quick enough. I was actually saving up money to buy her a guitar that would fit her well. I told her, and she had gotten excited. But once her hands went, there was 'no more point to it', according to her. I told her I'd still get it. So she could have it with her. But after she...left completely, I didn't know what to do. The money lies in my drawer, still untouched.

"Maybe we should...play video games?"

I shake my head against the pillow once more at his other suggestion. They were kind of getting annoying. I don't think he quite understood that I really didn't want to do anything expect lie here, and play my guitar. It was just like Bob to keep preoccupied during times like these. He liked to suffocate himself in thoughts except dealing with Madison's death.

I was the opposite. I worried too much about things. I don't know how I ended up this way, but it was who I was. And I liked to think about the situation to the point where I couldn't sleep. It sure as hell wasn't healthy, but I wanted someone to tell me that Madison was going to be fine. I wanted to know Daniel was going to be fine, his mother was going to be fine, that Frank was going to be fine.

Fuck....Frank.

No one's spoken to him since it happened. We visited him, but he didn't want to see anyone. His mother told Gerard, and I that she was worried about him. He wouldn't talk. He'd just lie in his bed for hours, and hours. He wouldn't even come down to eat. He'd just lie up there, thinking about her.

"Hey Ray..." Bob say once more. "Are you hungry?"

My hands stop strumming chords, and they wonder up to my hair. Anything could get lost in my mini afro, I swear. I kind of was hungry to be honest, so I nod.

"I'll make spaghetti." Bob says, standing up, and wonders into my kitchen.



She's gone.

"Which one?" She asks, almost surprised at what I had pointed at. Her blonde hair was falling out of her hair tie she had bundled it up in. It was embarrassing to stand next to a girl that looked around the same age as me, but was taller. Her name was 'Jamie' according to her name tag. The red vest she wore made her look like an idiot, and the khaki pants didn't help either.

"That one" I repeat, pointing again to my choice. She pops her bubble she was chewing, and shrugs.

"Okay then" She shrugs before she walks off to get the papers.

I bend down to take a better look at...Maddison

No, Maddy.

The blonde girl comes back to me again. "We need you to sign these you know. We need to make sure you have a suitable home, and all that jazz."

She hands me a clipboard with a pen, and a piece of paper.

"I meet all of the requirements. I have one of these little suckers at home already with me." I tell her before I sign at the bottom of the sheet.

She shrugs again. "Well, congratulations...I guess?" She says before she walks off.

I look back at Maddy, she's looking around curiously at everything. She's been locked up in that thing for years now. Finally she was freedom!Finally she can live; live out life like she's supposed to.

"Come on Maddy, let's go home."

I help her into the passenger's seat, and make sure she's comfortable. She looks around at everything as if it were amazing. She's so intrigued by the simplest things there are to this world, and it really does remind me of...Maddy. I walk over to the other side of the car, and buckle myself down before starting the car, and let it rumble for a second. My hand reaches to the car stereo to push play, and soon Black Flag starts to shake the car.

I turn to Maddy beside me who is resting her head against the window. "You're going to learn to love this band, trust me." I smile.

And we're off down the road. I know Mom's been worried about me. I had spent two whole days locked up in my room; just lying there, thinking about absolutely everything. Not all of it was about Madison, although, most of it was. But thinking of her lead me to think of other things. It led me to think about My dad, my grandfather, my schooling, my band, my friends, everything that had some sort of link to me.

I knew Maddy was going to leave me, I knew she was going to die. I had told myself over, and over again that it was okay. But I had never prepared myself for her death.

For two days I just lied on my bed, unable to move because I didn't know what to do! I lied there in frustration, crying when I needed to cry, and laughed when I needed to laugh. I tried to think about everything there was to her. I wrote her favorite things down, I described her down in paper so I'd never forget anything. I was too scared of forgetting anything about her. Because to me, that was the most terrible thing I could ever do.

I missed having her in my arms, or having her to kiss. I missed her pulling on my hair, or making fun of me for being afraid of spiders. I'd wake up at seven AM, and walk over to her house only to realize she was dead, and I didn't have to help her stretch around her house. The thing was, I didn't know how to cope with this, with these two days.

Then, this morning I came to the realization. I told her I was going to teach her to live once, and I tried my hardest. Even if she left me when I still had a million things to show her. I was going to live out my life for her, like promised.

And I was going to give the Madison beside me a chance to live, because the real Madison wanted to give it a chance to live when both of us were at the Animal adoption centre.

She wanted it to live, and so did I.

Drake, take care of her for me.