Spinning

Morning comes quickly.

"Merry Christmas."

I open my eyes slowly, breathing deeply and smiling up at Patrick's equally soft expression, "Hey. Merry Christmas."

He kisses me gently and I place my hand against his cheek, holding him to me for a long moment, afraid to let go, "You look gorgeous, baby."

I smile, "You, too, honey. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I sit up in the bed, wrapping my legs around his waist and hugging him tightly. He feels like he always does; strong, familiar. Like Patrick. But I feel wrong as if holding him is something I shouldn't be doing right now.

"What's wrong?" he whispers into my shoulder.

"Nothing," I reply with my body still firmly wrapped around his.

"Carly..."

I shake my head, holding him tighter, "Really, Pat. Nothing's wrong."

He runs his finger over my skin, placing his forehead on mine and staring me in the eyes,

"Nothing's wrong?"

"Nothing," I'm lying without any effort.

He takes my waist in his big hands, "We never did finish our conversation, did we?"

"That's not what this is about."

"So there is something wrong?"

I open my mouth to retort but close it again and shake my head.

"Carly..." he mumbles, burying his face in my neck and kissing me softly, "If something's wrong, you know you can tell me, right?"

I chew my lip with and close my eyes, "I know," I whisper, letting my fingers crawl over his back before coming to a rest on his shoulders, "I know I can."

At least, I used to be able to.

The apartment is quiet as I turn off the bathroom light behind me, walking out into the hall where Patrick's voice grows distant as he talks to his sisters on his phone.

"Jon?" I say softly, peeking into the guest bedroom where the bed is perfectly made. I frown, stepping out of the room and into the kitchen where I find him sitting at the table, checking his phone, donning only a simple pair of plaid pants.

"Hey," I say, leaning against the side of the fridge and smiling at him, "Merry Christmas."

His eyes meet mine and his previously hard expression softens, "Merry Christmas."
I walk over to him, leaning my arms on the counter and matching his gaze, "About last night--"

"I know."

I sigh, taking his hands and holding them in mine, "We made a mistake."

"I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I kissed you."

"I kissed you back."

He sighs, staring at me with those dark, brown eyes, "Look, I'm sorry. I don't want everything to change between us now. You're one of my best friends and I don't want to lose that because of a little too much wine."

A weak smile crosses my face, "You think it was the wine?"

He looks taken aback as those brown eyes widen with concern, "I--well--"

"I'm just kidding, Jonny."

He smirks, rolling his eyes, "This is serious."

"You're too serious."

He laughs, "No I'm not!"

There's a short pause at which point I hear the bedroom door open and immediately drop my hands from Jon's, turning to open the fridge where I take out eggs, milk and fruit.

"Morning Tazer," Pat says entering the kitchen and then putting his arm around me as he
kisses my lips softly, "and hello beautiful."

The three of us make breakfast and despite everything that happened, the apartment is filled with laughter and smiles as we talk about everything from our childhoods to our lives now as twenty-somethings. The boys eat lots but the moment I suggest opening presents, they jump from their seats and rush into the living room like little kids. I can't help but smile.

"These are sick, Carly. Thanks. Where'd you find these?" Jon holds up the sweat pants made of literally the most comfortable material I could ever find.

"Some place downtown. Here, there's more!"

He puts his hand into the bag, pulling out several different articles of clothing including a few attractive ties.

"Thanks, Car," he says with a smile, "but you already know Kaner's just going to steal these before I even get to wear them."

I laugh, "You should know most guys don't share clothes."

"Yeah they do!" they say in unison and I burst into laughter, leaning in to Patrick's chest and picking up one of his gifts from under the tree.

"Here," I laugh, handing him the small box, "open this."

He takes the box from me, slipping off the ribbon and removing the top where he takes the silver chain from the soft paper and lets it hang in his hand.

"Oh, wow, Carly," he says, looking carefully at the dog tag that sits at the end of the chain. The small silver plate is intricately designed with thin inscriptions from his parents, his sisters and myself. Each one of us wrote something memorable on it and the words, I can already tell, mean a lot to Patrick as his eyes scan over them with a brightness that makes my heart swell.

"Do you like it?"

He nods slowly, placing it over his head so that the dog tag rests against his chest, "This is amazing. Thank you, baby," he presses his lips to mine, "Open mine?"

I smile softly as he passes me a single envelope which I open with hesitant eyes.

"Patrick..."

He just smiles, "Open it!"

I do as he says, slipping the envelope open and removing a card containing two plane tickets for the Caribbean islands.

"It's during the eleven day roady the boys are taking in January. I thought instead of hanging around here, you could spend a week on vacation with whoever you wanted."

"Patrick, oh my god, these must have cost so much!"

He laughs, shaking his head and kissing me once more, "You can only have them on the condition that you call me every night."

"Of course I will," I whisper and press my lips to his, "thank you."

By two that afternoon, the boys are showered and their bags for the road trip are packed. That's the life of a hockey player, though. Four hour Christmases are the normal and good-byes are all too familiar.

"You're sure you don't need help with this, Carly?" Jonathan asks me, attempting to clean off the counters while Patrick anxiously waits by the door, pulling on his shoes.

"No, I'm fine. You're going to be late and--oh, you're getting all dirty!" I laugh, walking over to Jon who's standing there in his suit looking down at his tie that is now full of whatever was on the counter, "Here," I take a clean cloth and wipe off the stain in his new tie, blushing as his hand brushes against mine.

"Thanks," he says in a quiet voice.

"You're welcome." I raise my eyes slowly to meet his and he stares back at me with a look that I can't even explain.

"I'll call you when we land," Patrick says, entering the kitchen abruptly and forcing my eyes away from Jon as Pat puts a hand on my waist, "What're you doing?" he laughs, looking down at the tie, "You already got the thing dirty? Smooth."

I manage a smile though my heart is beating a hundred times faster than it should be, "Okay, hurry up you two or you're going to be late. I'll see you Friday," I say, kissing Patrick gently and putting my hand on his strong arm, "be careful."

"We will. I'll call you in a few."

With that, and another quick kiss, the boys close the door behind them and the apartment is once again silent.

There's a part of me that wants to scream.

And there's a part of me that wants to cry.

~

"You and I need to talk."

It's Sunday. A rare off-day for the boys.

"Carly?"

I blink hard, shaking my head and sitting up in the bed, adjusting the phone on my ear. It's four days later but everything seems to have stood still from Christmas Eve, "Sorry, what did you say?"

"Can we meet somewhere?" Jon's voice sounds impatient, "Mason's, downtown? In a half hour?"

I look over at Patrick who's sleeping soundly beside me, arms folded under his tired head with lips parted just the slightest, "Pat's still sleeping," I tell him.

"Leave him a note."

I frown, leaning back in the bed and pulling my knees to my chest, "I'm not leaving him a note! Look, he's not going to like it if--" I pause, looking over at him and wondering if he's awake and listening, "--hold on."

I slip from the bed and into the bathroom, closing the door silently behind me, "I don't think going to lunch together is going to pass off as a casual meal between two friends."

"Why not?"

I lean on the bathroom counter, rubbing my eyes and fighting back a yawn, "because of what happened between us, Jon."

"You told him?" he asks, concern clear in his tone.

"No but..."

I hear him sigh, "Can we just meet, Carly? Please? I need to talk to you. I've been thinking about everything and I just need to make sense of whatever this is."

I stand up, looking at my reflection in the mirror. There's confusion in that normally controlled voice and it frightens me a little.

"Carly?"

I pull my long hair over my shoulder and lean against the wall, "Yes, Jon. I'll be there."

And thirty minutes later, the man sitting across from me in a pair of dark jeans and a black t-shirt, is staring at me with the most interesting gaze I've seen in a while.

"Say something," I ask him in a quiet voice, ignoring my water and keeping my eyes on his.

"I don't know where to start," he admits, chewing the inside of his lip and shrugging his shoulders, "I had this big idea of what I was going to say and now--"

I frown, reaching over to take his hand and then stopping myself, both because I'm not sure touching is such a good idea and also because I can't guarantee that I'm not shaking.

"Look, I'm not even hungry. Can we go on a walk instead? I can't sit here."

I nod, standing from the table just as the waitress comes back to take our order, "We actually have to run," I explain as Jon hands her a twenty even though we've only ordered two waters, "sorry."

A few minutes later, we're far from the restaurant with our hoods over our heads and hands tighten covered in our warm pockets.

"So," I say slowly, looking up at him with what I almost know is a pale face, "why don't you go ahead and tell me why I'm here?"

He almost laughs a cold laugh before stopping in his tracks and staring at me with eyes of comical disbelief, "Why the hell do you think you're here, Car?"

"You tell me," I reply coolly and then lower my eyes, realizing getting angry isn't the best way to handle this, "Well, tell me again and I'll try to pretend it hasn't been on my mind since the moment it happened."

"Oh, Carly..."

I stop, taking his hand and squeezing it tightly in mine, "It was just a kiss, wasn't it?"

He frowns, "It's a bit more complicated than that."

"It is, isn't it?" I let go of his hands, shoving my own back into my pockets and bowing my head into the scarf around my neck, "I'm confused about all of this, Jon."

He sighs heavily, looking up to the sky and letting out a sound of frustration, "I am too, Carly. Well, no, I'm not, actually."

I raise my eyebrows, staring carefully at his expression which is slowly turning into a stronger frustration, "Jon?"

He turns from me, running his hands through his short hair and groaning, "I know how I feel, Carly. I'm not confused about any of this and that kiss? God that kiss!" he turns back to face me, putting his hands on my waist, "Carly that kiss was the best moment I've had in a long time."

I force myself to get out from his grip, crossing my arms over my chest and looking down the near empty street where a mother and child cross the road, heading to wherever they need to be,

"I can't kiss you, Jon. I mean, I shouldn't have."

The snow packs under his heavy steps towards me, "I know that, Carly. I know that. It's you and Patrick, not you and I, and I truly don't want to screw that up but..." his voice trails off and I clutch at my stomach where my entire body has seemed to seize with pain.

"I shouldn't feel this way about you."

He moves so that he's positioned in front of me, staring at me with those almost invading brown eyes, "feel what way about me?"

I sigh, shaking my head and letting it fall on his chest before I realize the gesture, "I don't know...but it's...it's wrong. This whole thing is wrong," I say, lifting my eyes to meet his, "we shouldn't have kissed and I shouldn't be here now. And--and you shouldn't have lied to me about Florida!"

"Hey, hey, I didn't lie to you about anything, Carly! Hold on a minute," he pulls me back to him even though I've tried to walk away, "I never lied to you about it, I just didn't have the heart to tell you," he says, lifting my chin with a finger so that my eyes lock on his, "I would never lie to you."

I close my hand over his, pulling it away from me and closing my eyes for a moment longer.

I'm not even mad at Jonathan. Florida is completely irrelevant yet it seems to pull my mind away from the reality of the situation. Reality, though, seems to be taking over and the feelings I have for Jon are stronger than I want to face.

My cell phone vibrates.

I ignore it, sensing Jon's eyes on my pocket.

"We should go back," I whisper.

"I know."

I close my eyes, placing my hands back into my coat pockets. It's starting to snow heavily now and even though the air is becoming frigid enough to force us indoors, neither of us move.

"Everything's changing, Jonny."

He nods, "I know."

I take a step towards him and pull his hood over his head to cover his crimson ears, "None of this should be happening."

"No."

I take his hand again, squeezing for some sort of reassurance, "I don't know what to do."

He doesn't say anything but his eyes seem to say everything.

My phone vibrates again and I can't bring myself to answer it, "Jon," I say instead, clutching his hand tighter in mine, "I don't think it was a mistake."

He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut and then looking up at the sky, "I don't think so either."

I force myself not to cry as I notice him restraining his own emotions, "what do we do then?"

"I don't know."

I let go of his hand but he suddenly pulls me back into a strong hug, crushing his head on my shoulder and seemingly holding me with everything he has.

"I love you."

My heart tightens.

"I love you, Carly."

I feel numb.

"I can't help it anymore and I'm so sorry--"

My lips touch his in the most gentle way, settling themselves to perfectly match over his as my eyes close and both my cold, covered hands delicately hold his frozen cheeks. The words are true as they fall from my lips in a whisper so soft and so weak that I don't even know if I said them at all, "I love you, too, Jonathan. I love you, too."