Spinning

It's early when he wakes up, slipping from the sheets and into the shower before returning to the bed where he leans in softly, kissing my forehead and then disappearing out the door for his practice.

Last night was exhausting.

The fight is still clear in my mind. It seems as if every single word was firmly embedded inside my memory. There was so much more that needed to be said, too, but fatigue overtook us both and like many arguments, ours ended with silence.

I hated fighting with him but the frustration and the lies and everything that had happened created an almost inevitable explosion of emotions. I wish that we were okay but somehow, I don't think we are.

No, I won't hurt him. I won't allow myself to feel that way about Jonathan anymore. I have to be better than that. I can't love them both.

~

"The guys are really excited to see you again. They missed you."
I clutch his hand tighter with my nervousness, keeping my eyes on the arena entrance, and staying silent.

He stops in mid step, taking both my hands and staring me in the eyes, "hey, what are you so worried about, baby?"

I smile, "It's just been a while since I've seen them and with everything that happened--"

He nods, kissing my forehead, "I understand. Car, if you don't want to do this, you don't have to."

"No, no," I interrupt, "I want to. I haven't been to one of the games in far too long. Here," I press my lips to his and then wrap my arms around his shoulders, "I'm going to go see the girls now and I want you to go and play an amazing game like you always do, alright?"

"If that's what you want."

I grin, "I love you, Patrick."

He nods, running his hands over my sides, "I love you, too."

"Carly! Oh my god, hey!"

I waited it out as long as I could before finally having to walk up the familiar stairs and entering the suite. I can feel myself blushing already, trying to avoid a scene, as everyone in the room turns to look at me.

"We missed you so much!" Andrea squeals, wrapping her tiny arms around me and holding me tight, "Come on, the game's about to start! You have to tell me all about Toronto. Patrick told Duncs that you went back home. How is the whether there? It's so cold here, but you probably saw that coming in today. Gosh, I really hope it's not a long winter like last year. Mind you, the kids do love the sledding and skiing and hot chocolate. They miss you so much actually. Hey, Lucas, come here. Look who it is!"

She makes it so simple to almost completely avoid discussing mine and Patrick's private situation. Normally, this type of topic would have been the only topic discussed throughout the entire game but Andrea makes sure that everything about it remains exactly how I want it: private.

The absence of Sarah also helps to avoid remembering what happened back in September. Troy had long since broken up with her. I think Andrea mentioned that at some point, while introducing me to the many new girlfriends (and even a new baby girl, Louisa!) that had arrived in the time I had been away.

Without having to worry about confrontation, though, the time is absolutely wonderful. I get to watch Pat play live again and the feeling of knowing he's right in front of me is more comforting then I can explain and by the end of the night, when we all go downstairs to the dressing rooms, I don't think anything can ruin my near-perfect return.

Except when I see Jonathan.

His eyes stare hard into mine and my fingers instinctively touch my lips because I can feel his on mine all over again. How long has it been since we spoke? Three weeks? God, it feels like only hours. I can still hear him saying those words so perfectly and myself, repeating them right back. It was so wrong, but even now as I stare at him like nothing could even possibly be wrong with 'us', I can help but realize I still feel the same way.

"Hey, Carly."

I rip my gaze from Jon's, turning to see a grinning Duncan Keith who makes me immediately soften my expression, Hey, Duncan! How are you?"

He surrounds me in a warm hug, "I'm good, and how are you? Your hair looks different.
Longer, I think."

"Yours too."

He grins, "I've been growing it out. Hey, did you meet my new girlfriend, Crissy? She's blonde, about your height?"

I probably did, but right now my thoughts are elsewhere, "Yeah," I lie, "she's very sweet."
He smiles proudly as Patrick shows up beside us, placing a kiss on my cheek that makes
Duncan roll his eyes before saying good bye.

"How are you, darling?" I ask him, putting a hand on his shoulder and noting that he's still wearing his equipment from the waist down, "You played amazing."

"Thanks," he says, clearing his voice, "I kind of buggered my hand though so Marty's going to take a look at it. Do you mind waiting?"

I shake my head, kissing his lips once more and smiling, "Not at all. Call me when you're finished, alright?"

"I will. See you in a few."

I waited out in the hall, chatting with the guys on their way home and Ally, one of the wives. This place is never empty before midnight; there's always something going on with someone getting something fixed, or something cleaned, or practicing. There's always something.

And, of course, that includes players doing post-game workouts.

I've wandered down the hall, talking with Ally who has her little boy sleeping against her shoulder.

"He's usually done by now, I wonder what's taking him so long."

I smile, crossing my arms over my chest and entering the workout room with her, "Maybe he's..." my voice trails off as my eyes adjust to the two men sitting near the weights in deep conversation. It's Ally's husband, and Jonathan.

"Hey baby," Ally says softly, walking over to him and putting a hand on her husband's shoulder, "you almost ready?"

I, meanwhile, have sunk into the walls, trying to slip from view. I don't feel like talking to Jon now, or in six months. I just can't face him yet.

Luckily, Patrick has come up behind me and put his arms around my waist.

"You ready to go home?" he whispers into my ear, kissing me softly.

"Mm," is my reply as he pulls me to him, slipping from the room, "how's your hand?" I whisper as we walk slowly down the darkening hallway towards the exit.

"It'll be fine. How was tonight, baby? Was everything okay?"

I tell him about the evening and he listens, nodding softly beside me until we get into our car where I offer to drive and allow him to instead rest in the passenger seat and close those tired eyes.

"and then what happened?" he asks sleepily, holding my hand in his as he leans back in the seat.

"Well, then they asked about Toronto and I told them all about home. They were really sweet, Pat. They didn't bother me about any of the things I didn't want to talk about."

"That's good."

I smile as we pull into our apartment building. He's half asleep though my hand is still tightly held in his, "we're here, baby," I say softly, turning off the car and brushing the hair out of his eyes which he opens slowly.

"I love you," he says softly, unbuckling his seat belt and squeezing my hand once more, before we both get out of the car and head to the top floor of the building.

When he's undressed and I've taken off my make-up, brushed my teeth and slipped on some pajamas, I come back into the bedroom where he's passed under the thick blankets.

My phone vibrates gently on the dresser and I walk over, checking the screen that reads out: Jonathan Toews. Immediately, I feel sick to my stomach.

Lifting, my eyes to look at Patrick who is fast asleep and then without hesitating, I ignore the call before sliding in beside him where his heavy arms automatically wrap around my suddenly frail body.

"You don't even know how much I missed holding you, Carly. You have no idea."

I just kiss him softly, telling him I love him so much, and praying that the guilt situated in my heart and my soul will ease with every affectionate word I say.

It does, a little bit.

Thursday.

It all happened way to fast. One moment, I was walking down the hall after saying goodbye to Pat, and the next moment, Jonathan had me in his grip and was pulling me around the corner, up against the wall.

"I need to talk to you, Carly. Give me five minutes, just five."

I open my mouth to respond but he places his hands on my cheeks and presses his lips hard to my forehead, keeping them there for several seconds before letting me go entirely.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. Fuck!" he steps back and then forwards again, putting his hands against the wall over my shoulders, "I didn't mean to do that. Jesus, I miss you," he pushes my hair behind my ear and rests his forehead against mine, "I miss you so much."

It takes my deep subconscious to pull me from the way I'm lifting my lips to his so closely, in fact, that I can feel his warm breath on mine, "Jon," I gasp a moment later, lifting his hands and moving just enough so that he's not too far but not to close from me either.

"Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you text me? Why did you just LEAVE?"

"Jon, someone is going to hear us," I say calmly, surprising myself because my voice doesn't match what I'm feeling at all.

"I don't care. No," he protests when I take a step forwards and his hand slides over my side, making me close my eyes for a moment, "just answer me."

He's got me in his hold, carefully running his fingers over my skin and staring at me with those gorgeous eyes, "if someone sees us..."

"They won't. I just want an answer."

"An answer to what?" I ask almost desperately.

"An answer to how you feel, why you didn't call me, why you told me you loved me and then just left! I need to know why."

"I can't tell you why."

His eyes go wide and for a moment, he looks like he's going to hit me, "you're joking."

I shake my head, pulling him deeper down the hall because his voice is growing increasingly louder, "Jon, I'm with Patrick. I can't like you because I'm with him. Okay? That's it. That's why." It's dark where we stand as I grip his arm with tightly clasped fingers. His face is only inches from mine.

"I know that," he says weakly, suddenly calm from moments prior, "but what you said--"

"We have to stop. You can't be in love with me, and I can't be in love with you. There's thousands of girls out there for you, Jon. You just have to find the right one."

His lips are resting over mine and his eyes have closed, "I've already found the right one," he
whispers, tracing his fingers over my back, "I don't need anyone else,"

The urge to kiss him is overwhelming and it takes everything I have not to do it, "I can't hurt
Patrick," I say aloud for both myself and Jon to hear, "I just can't hurt him."

Jon's quiet for a long moment before abruptly kissing me on the mouth and not letting go until I feel dizzy from his touch.

"You told me that you loved me," he whispers onto my lips, running his fingers through my hair and breathing out heavily on my skin, "you meant it, Carly. I know you meant it."

"Even if I did, it won't change anything."

"But you meant it."

I manage to put my hands on his chest but my attempt at getting away from his fails and instead, I just let my head fall onto his chest, "it doesn't matter, Jonathan. If Patrick--"

"Why is it always about him?" he suddenly blows up, gripping my shoulders and widening his eyes, "what about you for once, Carly! What about you? Do YOU love him? Because maybe you need to realize that it's not all about Patrick Kane, okay? You're important too, Carly. You are. You're more important than what he leads you to believe," he presses his lips to my cheeks and his hands hold my waist against his, "I wish you'd just realize that, because you're beautiful and if he can't show you that, then I will," he lifts my chin with a finger, staring me hard in the eyes, before kissing me softly on the lips, "I will."

There are footsteps in the hall and even though we're deep inside the darkened corridor, I can't help but feel frightened at the idea of being discovered, hidden away with Jonathan, "I need to go."

"No you don't, Carly. You just don't want to face reality."

I push him back, trying to slip past him, but he holds me in place, "Jon, the reality is that Patrick and I are together and you won't accept that," I push him again but he holds strong,
"I'm not going to accept something that makes no sense."

"What doesn't make sense about it!?" I gasp out to him, leaning forwards so my chest presses against his, "the fact that you are so utterly jealous of your best friend and I that you feel the need to break us up?" my voice has gone into such a high whisper that I forget to breath.

"You--" he grips my hand and there's fury in those eyes as he leans onto me, lowering his head, "you don't know what you do to me, okay? You just...don't."

He kisses me hard and then tosses my wrist away, striding from the corridor without a glance behind him.

I don't follow him. And by the time I can force myself to walk out of the arena and get into the car, the boys' practice is already over and Patrick exits the arena just moments after I've done the same.

"Hey, babe. How was shopping?"

I lie my ass off until we're back home at which point I pick up my phone, slip into the bedroom and call Jonathan,

"I'm coming over."