Spinning

I've managed to make it down to my car and through the steadily darkening Chicago streets before I start crying and can't seem to stop.

Jon's on the phone, telling me to pull so that he can come get me, but I'm already at his apartment.

And five minutes later, I'm upstairs on his couch with a blanket wrapped around me and wide eyes focused on nothing in particular.

"What did he say?"

I look over at Jon, inhaling strongly and resting my chin on my knees, "he didn't say much, really. I told him that I knew, and he was upset, but he didn't seem to care that much. Then I left."

"So...what? Are you guys over?"

I nod slowly, staring blankly at the walls, "I guess so."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

He sits down next to me, leaning his head back on the couch and turning to meet my gaze, "you didn't bring anything with you."

"He wouldn't let me."

Jon looks confused for a moment before angers flashes across his face and he says through gritted teeth, "what did he do to you, Carly?"

I sigh softly, shaking my head and crawling over to him where I settle myself into his lap and pull the blanket round the both of us, "I'm fine, Jon," I whisper, "he didn't do anything."

"You're ly--"

I put a finger on his lips and he grows quiet, "can I stay here, tonight?"

He nods.

I just put my hand on the back of his neck and pull him to me before closing my eyes and curing up against him.

"Carly, I'm sorry about all of this."

I kiss his cheek and rest my head on his shoulder, "it's really not your fault."

"I had a part in it."

I'm quiet.

"If I had the chance that he had with you, I would have never done what he did to you."

"Stop it, Jon."

"Stop what?"

I sit up, putting my hands on his cheeks and lowering my forehead onto his, "stop liking me."

"Why should I do that?"

I sigh and drop my head into the crook of his shoulder, "because I don't want you to like me."

"I love you Carly."

A choked sob leaves my lips and his hands immediately hold me tighter, "I don't want you to love me, either."

"And why not?"

"Because nothing good will come out of it. Nothing."

He sighs but doesn't say anything more.

In the morning, I slip out of the Jon's place and drive back to the apartment, opening the familiar door.

The place is immaculate.

The floors are bare, the couches perfectly placed. The counters are clean and the mess that was the master bedroom with my things strew across the floor is in complete order.
My suitcase is placed up against the wall, empty. The clothes I had attempted to pack are folded neatly on the dresser with my make-up and such beside them.

The bed is made. The curtains drawn.

Then I realize why it looks so strange.

His drawers are empty. The pictures that hung on the wall of him and his family are taken down. His toothbrush, shaver and every other item that belonged to him is no where to be found.

I clutch the counter beside me it feels like I'm going to faint.

And then?

An envelope. My name is written clearly on the front, Carly.

I take it and realize my hands are shaking. Ignoring that, I slowly tear open the paper and slip out the note.

Babe,

I'm sorry. That's the only thing I can really say because nothing else seems to match up to it. I don't want you to forgive me, and I don't expect you to. I'm just sorry.
I don't know where to go from here, either.
I'm living with one of the guys right now. You get the apartment and don't fucking argue about it. It's yours. I'll figure something out later. There's also some money in the bedroom where it always is and don't argue about that either.
I still love you so much. I'm sorry I did what I did and I'm sorry none of this is working. I'm sorry that you couldn't trust me and that I wasn't enough for you.
I wish I could change things and I wish I could explain to you everything about Sarah but I just can't seem to get the words out when I'm with you. I just can't.
But that's not the point. I'm sorry for getting mad at you.
I love you and I'm always going to and I wish I could love you better. I'm sorry.

I've slid down the wall, the paper crumpling away in my shaking hands.

And then, dear reader, I do something incredibly stupid.

I call him.

"Come home."

"Carly--"

He sounds surprised but I cut him off, "come home," I repeat.

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

For the longest fifteen minutes of my life, I manage to stand up and pull myself together before he comes rushing in with so much expression on his face that I don't know where to start.

"I'm sorry," he says, breaking the silence and then ultimately breaking down in front of me, "I'm so, so sorry."

I don't love him any less than I did before and when he rushes over to me, taking my shaking frame in his arms, I think I love him more than ever.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out again, kissing my hair and squeezing me tighter, "I'm sorry I cheated."

"Why did you?" I ask him softly, closing my eyes and gripping his shirt with my hands. I'm not letting go.

"Because I liked her," he says suddenly, "and I know that's awful but there's no way around it, is there? I liked her. She was cool and she was just...there."

"And I wasn't there?" I cry out, sitting up and watching as he dries the tears from my face and kisses my lips.

"Not in Detroit, or California or Colorado."

I slap him across the face, standing up and then widening my eyes in shock at my actions. He hasn't even flinched.

"I deserved that."

I nod my head, "you sure as hell did! You're telling me that you don't have enough self-control that you couldn't just wait to fuck me when you got home? You needed it that bad that you just slept with whoever was available?" I'm shaking harder than I was before, "why didn't you just wait for me? Why did you need her, or anyone else? Why can't I just be enough for you?"

He stands up at this point and takes a step towards me, "you're more than enough, Carly. I would never actually date her, Car, like I am with you. I would never ask her to marry me like I would with you."

I blink hard, whimpering when his hands wrap around my waist, "I don't want to marry you because I don't want to share you so don't fucking suggest that!'

"You don't have to share me. I'm done with her and anyone else."

"I don't believe you."

"I wouldn't believe me, either, but I'm going to do everything to make you trust me again."

I put my hands on his chest in an attempt to push him away but instead, I find myself hugging him tightly, "how the hell are you going to do that?"

"Well, I won't let you leave my side. I just won't. Come with me on road trips, track my phone records. The whole deal."

"That's not trust."

"It's a start."

I shake my head, "I don't want to have to do all that. I just want to be with you, and know that's it just you and I, and no one else."

"I can do that."

"You've said that before."

He chews his lip and nods, "I know..."

I sigh, shaking my head and allowing myself to hold him.

"Can I know one thing from you?" he asks me softly.

I nod.

"Did you slept with Jon?"

I shake my head.

"But you kissed him."

I hesitate before nodding again.

"and...and that's all you did?"

Once more I nod. At that, he holds me tighter, resting his chin on the top of my head and sighing.

"It takes two people to fuck things up this badly, Pat."

He frowns and lifts my chin, pecking my lips, "I'm sorry I ever hurt you. Really, Car, I am."

"I know."

He's still frowning though, staring at me with those blue eyes and making my heart race, "I've never loved anyone like I love you. Do you know that?"

"Sometimes."

He looks hurt from that but nods nonetheless before taking my hand and pressing his lips to my skin, "I'll make this better, Carly. I promise."

"You've said that before, too," I tell him, putting my hands on his cheeks and holding his face to mine, "and I always, always believe you."

He kisses me long and hard, not letting go for a long moment until, "just believe in me a little longer."