Spinning

"He was so upset! Patrick, I don't know what to do," I'm bawling so hard into his chest that my sobs are surely waking the occupants of the apartments adjacent to ours, "he was crying an--and I didn't know how to tell him and--" I burst into incomprehension sobs and clutch my boyfriend's stomach, trying to make sense of what seems impossible.

"What the fuck did he do to you, baby? What did he say? Did he yell at you?"

I crawl up to where Patrick face is and blink softly as he wipes the heavy tears from my face with a kleenex, "no. Well, sort of, but--"

Patrick jumps up so fast that I stop crying for a moment from the quickness of his movements, "I'm going to fucking kill him."

"Patrick!" I whine, standing up shakily and taking his hands, "no, listen to me!" I pull him back to me but I'm shaking so hard that he ends up taking control again, pulling me onto his chest and sighing heavily.

"What happened, Carly? Did he hurt you?"

A whimper escapes my lips and his eyes immediately sharpen at my false indication that perhaps Jon had indeed injured me.

"Where'd he hurt you, Carly? I swear to god I'll--"

"NO!" I squeal, and hold his face in my hands, pressing my lips to his, "we just talked, okay?
But it's the way we talked that was so awful. I made him cry, Patrick. I keep making him cry and--" I pause, letting out a shuddering breath, "and he hates me, Pat. He hates me!"

"Oh, babe..." Patrick rocks me back and forth, kissing my skin and shushing me softly, "he doesn't hate you," his tone is still sharp and his hold a little hesistant,"he could never hate you. And you make me cry sometimes too, right? So it's not really a bad thing. It just shows you made us feel something, I guess."

I sigh, shaking my head and wanting to push him away yet unable to find the strength to do so, "you didn't see him, Pat."

"I didn't have to, Carly. I know him well enough to know that he will never hate you. Car, he's just upset that you're...choosing me."

Maybe he's right, maybe he isn't. Either way, it's nearing two in the morning and I'm not sure how Patrick's still functioning after the day he's had.

"How about we sleep on it, Car?"

I find myself nodding as he lifts me to the bedroom, strips off his sweats and t-shirt before
crawling in beside me and pulling me to his chest.

"I love you. Make sure you know that."

I kiss his lips, "I do, and I love you too."

Our voices turn into softer and softer whispers until sleep steals us from reality. When we wake, it's a new day and he's in the shower while I'm cooking breakfast. He'll be gone again for another road trip except this time, I'm coming.

We land in Vancouver at eleven thirty local time. I smile, watching the city come into focus as Chelsea and I drive the rented car into the city. She's dating one of the guys, and her and I have been talking for the last little while. She was the one who brought up the idea of me coming with her for the weekend.

"So, we're staying in the same hotel as the guys, but on a different level of course." she winks at me, and I laugh. The girlfriends, and wives, or whoever, always sneak into their significant other's room. It's just how it is. Coach usually doesn't think too much of it, or he just chooses to give it a blind eye. Either way, I'll be in Pat's arms comes curfew.
Pat's arms. Not Jon's. Patrick's.

"Are you okay, Carly?"

I shake myself from my thoughts, "yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm just tired."

I close my eyes and sigh. All I want to do is get to the hotel, hug my boyfriend, and fall asleep in his arms while he tells me about his flight.

My mind is really not interested in the city. I'm thinking about how I need to see him right now, and talk to him right now. I need him. Right now. Thankfully, it's only about fifteen minutes until we're in the heart of Vancouver where our hotel stands tall in the snow covered city.
Chelsea and I take our bags from the rental car and head into the building where my eyes immediately settle onto Patrick's.

He grins at me, and then strides in that fancy suit towards my already opened arms, "hi, baby."

I hug him so tightly that I'm afraid I won't be able to let go, "I missed you," I breathe out onto his neck, pressing my lips to his warm skin. His arms tighten around my waist and I close my eyes for a long moment.

"I missed you, too."

I squeeze him tighter, ignoring the weight of tears on the brims of my eyes. In this moment, being with him is all that I need. Nothing else would make this moment better. Suddenly, everything we've been through, everything that's happens, all of it, just seems like concrete that has built beneath us, making us stronger. Every fight, every argument, every tear and every mistake is like another stone strengthening us. We're unbreakable now.

"I love you, Patrick."

He kisses my forehead, then my cheek, and then my lips. The butterflies in my stomach make me grin and I kiss him back before taking his hands and trying to steady my heart as we walk into the elevator of some fancy Vancouver hotel.

"I love you," he whispers as the doors close, "I love you, too."

He's kissing me again, over and over with those delicate hands running through my hair and and over my shoulders until the elevator stops and the doors slide open.

"Oh my god, really Kaner? Couldn't wait until the bedroom?" Patrick Sharp and Brent Seabrook stand outside the doors, grinning ear-to-ear and laughing those deep, booming laughs.

"Shut up," Pat says with a smile, pulling me to him tighter.

"It's all him, too," Brent says to Sharp before settling his eyes on mine, "Carly's just getting sucked into the crazy teenage hormones of little Patty here."

At this, both guys burst out laughing as Patrick rolls his eyes, giving them a playful shove as they move past him into the elevator, "assholes. Go find your own girl."

"Yeah, yeah. Have fun, why don't you?"

The doors close and Patrick shakes his head, laughing as I press my lips to his and hold his face in my hands.

"They're so annoying."

I laugh, and nuzzle my face against his, "They're great."

"Yeah," he admits and opens his lips to mine, making me gasp as his kiss deepens.

"We should go inside," I whisper, pulling at his hands though our lips stay connected.
"Yeah," he repeats, kissing me harder and trying weakly to find his hotel card, "you look so good, by the way."

I laugh, forcing myself to untangle my lips from his and slip my hand into his front pocket, "well," I say softly, opening the door and walking backwards into the dark room, "I can look even better when--"

A light flips on behind me and I turn around to see Jonathan walking out of the bathroom in only a towl.

"Oh," I gasp quietly, shielding my eyes and turning back to the doorway where Patrick has grabbed my elbows, looking over to where Jon's standing.

"I didn't know she was coming," Jon says in a cold tone.

"It was last minute."

I clear my throat and take my suitcase from Patrick's strong grip, "I'm going to go and unpack or...something."

"Carly--" Pat protests but I slip by him and place a firm hand on his chest.

"I'll see you after dinner, okay?"

His lips tighten but he nods as I walk down the hall, trying to get away from the situation.

But then, I stop.

The sound of Patrick yelling at Jon, and then Jon suddenly shouting back at him, makes me immediately drop my bag and run back, banging on the door until Patrick swings it open once more.

"What the hell are you two doing?!" I nearly scream, looking from Pat to Jon and then burying my face in my hands. What the hell am I doing? Why are these two great guys, best friends at that, fighting because of me?

"Carly, just give us a minute, okay?"

I shake my head, folding my arms across my chest and staring Jon hard in the eyes, "no. I think we need to talk. All three of us."

Jon stares hard at me with those dark eyes as Patrick slumps down on the bed, resting his chin in his hand, "let's not."

I frown, suddenly walking over to him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders. I don't say anything, choosing to let my actions speak louder.

"Carly..." Patrick whispers in a strained voice and I turn to see him staring at where my hands are placed on Jon's arm and back.

I sigh, let go of him, and then walk over to Patrick where I place my lips on his forehead and squeeze his hand, "I don't know how to help. I'm just making this worse."

He kisses my lips and then shakes his head softly, brushing my hair behind my ear, "not at all. I just don't think there's anything else to say."

"What do you mean?"

Jon stands up quickly, walking over to the balcony and banging his fist against it, making me jump from the bed.

"Jonathan! What--"

"He means that there's nothing else to say because it's obvious that you're--you and him--that I'm just not--"

"Jon," I walk over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder but he thows it off.

"CARLY, fuck, I'm just not good enough for anybody, okay? I'll never be. And no one is good enough for me except you and you're off limits and it's just fucking hard. Look, Pat," his eyes focus on Patrick and his expression softens slightly, "she's yours. She's all yours. I'm just--c'mon, you know," he pauses, closing his eyes and shaking his head, "I love her, bro. I do. But not like you do, and that's part of the reason why I never did anything with her. Ever. You know that?"

"Jonathan..." I whisper quietly but he ignores me.

"You're my best friend, man. I love you and I would never, ever fuck around with your girl but you've got to understand that it's not going to be that simple to just let go of...her. So, yeah, I fucking have feelings for her. Yeah, we kissed and you fucking knew that but we never--we never--" he stops short, shaking his head and turning back to the window.

Pat's quiet beside me, chewing his lower lip and keeping his eyes on the floor. I'm waiting for him to blow up, to smack me in the face, or to just do something. But he doesn't. He just sits there, keeping his eyes lowered and his body still.

Finally, he breaks the silence.

"I didn't know you liked her that much," he says simply, clenching his hands together and shaking his head.

Jon exhales heavily, turning around and focusing his eyes onto mine, "I did."

Did. The word sounds wrong. Like a lie.

"Okay," Patrick says suddenly, clearing his throat and standing up from the bed, "I need a break from all this."

I stand up, too, extending a hand but he moves around me, shaking his head.

"Not right now, Car. I just need a minute to think."

I close my mouth and nod, watching as he grabs his coat and his wallet, disapparing from the room with a final click of the hotel door.

I couldn't read his expression. Is he mad? He didn't seem mad. But he didn't seem sad, either.

"Carly, you should go."

I shake my head, folding my arms across my chest and feeling my eyes well up with tears.

"Carly, I think we all need our space right now."

I shake my head more and a whimper escapes my lips as his hands settle suddenly on my shoulders.

"Car..."

I turn around, bursting into sobs and closing my eyes on his chest, "this is too hard, Jon. This is way too hard. I can't do this! I don't know how I feel for you, and Patrick doesn't trust me and--and--"

I push him away, shaking my head and stepping backwards towards the door, "I've got to stop crying, God dammit! Just forget this happened. I--I need to talk to him. He'll do something stupid and--"

Jon just nods, tightening his lips and watching me with those dark eyes, "I know."

I wipe the tears from my cheeks and turn, opening the hotel door and taking the stairs down to the lobby where I quickly leave the hotel, hurrying down the snow covered streets without the slightest direction.

It's been at least twenty minutes before I realize I should try calling him on his cell phone. There's no sight of him anywhere and the night is quickly becoming colder with every passing minute.

"Hey, it's Pat. I'm not available--" I hang up the phone, dialing his number again a moment later before stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, unsure of where to go.

"Hey, it's Pat. I'm not--" I hang up the phone for a second time, shoving my numb hands into my pockets and burying my face into the neck of my coat. The silence of a late night surrounds me and besides several cars and the very few pedestraians, I'm alone. I stand immobile as the snow falls onto my coat, piling up and up until I feel as though it'll cover me completely and I will simply disappear into the streets. I don't know what to do.

The vibration of my cell phone in my pocket is the only thing that brings me back to reality. I pull it out, checking the caller ID and answering within a moment as Patrick's name appears on the screen.

"Where are you, baby?"

He sighs into the speaker, "turn around."

I spin on my heels and have to squint to find his face through the darkness and the snow, "please don't go," I find myself whimpering as I run towards his open arms, "please, don't."

I've wrapped my arms around his neck a moment later, squeezing him tightly and closing my eyes, "are you okay? Are you mad? Are we going to be okay?"

He exhales shakily, the sound he makes when he's close to tears, "we're going to be just fine. You know we will be. We always are."

I nod against his warm skin and press my lips to his neck, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your place to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong."

I let go of him, "didn't I? With...with Jon?"

He shakes his head, "honestly Car, I'm just mad that he likes you. Honestly. How awful is that?" he takes my arms in his strong hands, "I can't handle the fact that he wants you."

"You don't have to worry about losing me," I tell him, placing a cold hand on his cheek.

Pat just closes his eyes in frustration, leaning into my touch, "but I do. I do worry about that, every goddamn day."

"But why?" I whisper and he takes my hand in his.

"Because I love you, and I know that losing you isn't impossible.

I'm quiet, mostly because his reply has frightened me but also because I'm not sure what to say.

"Let's go home now, Carly."

I nod, following him numbly back down the roads to our hotel where we slip under the warm sheets in my separate hotel room, avoiding the one with Jon inside entirely.

"Where's Chelsea?" he mumbles against my lips.

"Probably with your teammate," I whisper back to him, still shivering from the cold, "I love you."

"I love you too, Carly. I love your eyes, and your cheeks, and these lips," his own lips draw softly over mine, "I love every part of you."

And like our nights always do, we fall asleep in this false bliss, oblivious to the complex pains of reality even if just for a temporary moment.