Status: Work in Progress
Wishes
Time continues.
The days...weeks...months after I found out what Kay had done, I competely fell apart. Thankfully, it was close to summer, so I wouldn't have to see them both every day at school.
The months after it all happened, I was devastated. Heartbroken. Hurting. Depressed. After everything that happened, I found myself waking up at the ungodly, early hours of the morning, moaning in my sleep. I would just sit there, and let the sadness take over. I would find myself crying randomly. Whatever I did, I couldn't get those two awful words out of my mind: "oh shit."
I thought I meant more to him than that. Apparently, not. My feelings were nothing to him; nothing he cared about. he probably thought it was a pity little crush.
No.
Those two words caused me agony. I couldn't... Do anything. I was useless. Depressed. one mintue, when I was with friends and family, I was happy. I was okay. But when I was alone, it took over. Depression. Anxiety. Paranoia. When I was alone, I was a wreck. My heart had been trampled on carelessly, like sidewalk. When I was alone, I hurt so badly that I wanted to just take a knife, stab myself, and die. It was so unbearable. Thankfully, I never actually hurt myself. But there were countless times that I had brooded about it, to supress the pain building up inside of me. One of the things that hurt the most (there were many) was that here I was, wanting to literally be numb, and he had no idea. He had no idea of the pain he had caused me. I wanted to tell him so badly, but I knew that I never could.
After that, Nick and I barely ever talked. Didn't even say hi in the hallways. It was pure... Hurt. I could barely stand it. He would breeze past me, not even look in my direction. EVery single time that happened (which was literally about three times a day), I could feel my heart tear a little more, causing more painful damage. So much damage. Too much damage had been done to my heart; So much to last a lifetime.
I know I'm not necessarily a perfect person, but I'm not a bad person either. All I could think was:
WHY ME?
The months after it all happened, I was devastated. Heartbroken. Hurting. Depressed. After everything that happened, I found myself waking up at the ungodly, early hours of the morning, moaning in my sleep. I would just sit there, and let the sadness take over. I would find myself crying randomly. Whatever I did, I couldn't get those two awful words out of my mind: "oh shit."
I thought I meant more to him than that. Apparently, not. My feelings were nothing to him; nothing he cared about. he probably thought it was a pity little crush.
No.
Those two words caused me agony. I couldn't... Do anything. I was useless. Depressed. one mintue, when I was with friends and family, I was happy. I was okay. But when I was alone, it took over. Depression. Anxiety. Paranoia. When I was alone, I was a wreck. My heart had been trampled on carelessly, like sidewalk. When I was alone, I hurt so badly that I wanted to just take a knife, stab myself, and die. It was so unbearable. Thankfully, I never actually hurt myself. But there were countless times that I had brooded about it, to supress the pain building up inside of me. One of the things that hurt the most (there were many) was that here I was, wanting to literally be numb, and he had no idea. He had no idea of the pain he had caused me. I wanted to tell him so badly, but I knew that I never could.
After that, Nick and I barely ever talked. Didn't even say hi in the hallways. It was pure... Hurt. I could barely stand it. He would breeze past me, not even look in my direction. EVery single time that happened (which was literally about three times a day), I could feel my heart tear a little more, causing more painful damage. So much damage. Too much damage had been done to my heart; So much to last a lifetime.
I know I'm not necessarily a perfect person, but I'm not a bad person either. All I could think was:
WHY ME?