Status: Work in Progress

Wishes

Passing

Two years ago, almost to the day.

Two years ago, I had my hope stolen from me. I don’t think it will ever come back.

It has been two years since the incident with Nick finding out I liked him, from Kay. Two years. So much has happened, yet still the wounds feel fresh. Two entire years, 365 days plus 365 days equals 730 days. Almost 730 days ago this happened. How could this have happened so long ago, yet it seems as if this had just occurred?

One of my closest best friends now, Lexi, has helped me so much in my healing process. Lexi is one of the very few people that I told everything about what happened. I’ve known Lexi since my first day of preschool; I easily knew she could be trusted. Without a doubt.

We’ve had countless conversations: in person, over text, yahoo chats, e-mails, you name it. She talked me through the pain I was feeling. She understood I was completely shattered. She knew how much Nick meant to me. She helped me.

Over time, I /had/ begun to heal. Forget about him, move on. Well, I wouldn’t exactly say forget. I just… pushed him to the furthest part of my mind. The only time I really thought about him was when we were driving up our block, and passed his house. Sometimes I’d see him in the backyard. Sometimes I’d see him walking in his house. Sometimes I wouldn’t see him at all. Sometimes a dark house stared back at me.

I was a busy girl, I did sports left and right and I had enough homework every night to circle the world. I barely had time to think of anything else. The only other times I thought about him were at night, in my bed as I tried to fall asleep. These were drowsy thoughts, thoughts I couldn’t push back no matter how hard I tried.

//What was he doing right now?

Does he ever think about me?

Does he know that I know what he said?

Why don’t I ever see him?

Does he ever want to see me?

Why am I not good enough for him?

What’s wrong with me?

What does he want?

I hate him.

I love him.

Why is this happening to me?

Why am I wasting my time?

I hate him.

What’s wrong with me?

I love him.

When am I going to heal?

I lovehatelovehate him.//

That list continued on. It began in my drowsy thoughts and continued into my dreams, and ended when I pushed them to the back of my mind again in the morning.

When I did see him, on the very rare occasion, I’m pretty sure most people could see the hurt written on my face. But he didn’t.

Whenever I started to break down, I talked to Lexi. Most of the time, it helped and I sobered up about it. But there were the occasional, painful times where nothing helped. It always got me to wondering what in the world was wrong with me.

//Why didn’t he love me?//

I don’t know if he’s single, or taken, or happy, or sad, or a loser, or cool. I tell myself I don’t care, when I do. Once again, I push push push the thoughts away until they come whispering back to me at night.

//I love him.//

Nights are the scariest. It has become routine for me to take my allergy medicine—which make you drowsy—earlier than I normally would so I wouldn’t have time to think. But that only works so much.

//I hate him.//

Being alone with your thoughts can be one of the creepiest things imaginable. There’s no filter there, and you think what you think whether you like it or not.

//Why is he doing this to me?//
♠ ♠ ♠
sorry for the long wait, guys. I'm getting back into the mibba groove. everything has been so busy, I've barely had any time for writing. I almost forgot how much I love it.
hope you guys liked the chapter :-)
- olivia <3