It Was Always You

He doesn’t just decide to go home without thinking it through, first. He sat down, thought about it for a long time. It was hard coming up with this decision but nobody can tell him that he hasn’t thought it through. He has. And he knows it’s the right choice. He needs to see Zack – needs to talk to him about everything. He can’t keep living two lives anymore. Because that’s practically what he’s doing now – splitting his love between him and Alex. It can’t work that way. It won’t work that way.

Alex is the most vocal about it. He doesn’t want Jack to go. His argument is solid – Jack will give him that. He thinks that by leaving, Jack will have less time to spend with Joey, who really only has a few days left. But Jack spoke to the doctors – they promised him more than two days. And that’s all Jack needs. A day or two to sort things with Zack. The younger boy deserves an explanation. He’s been amazing and Jack doesn’t want to hurt him more than he’s guaranteed to.

“Please don’t do this.”

The voice comes from the doorway and Jack already knows that Alex is standing there, leaning against it with a frown on his face and his arms crossed over his chest. He’s probably got tears in his eyes too, in an attempt to be more convincing. But Jack’s not having any of it – he’s already made up his mind.

“You should be sort of happy that I’m doing this,” The younger boy says, zippering up his backpack. “I thought this was what you wanted. Me, no strings attached. Like it used to be.”

He watches Alex bite his lip, clearly not sure how to answer. “I just…I’m worried.”

“We’ve been over this a million times!” Jack says, exasperated. He walks over to Alex, takes both hands in his own. “The doctor’s said it’s okay for me to leave. Joey’s okay for a few days. I…He won’t even know I’m gone. Just-”

Alex sighs, “That’s not it,” he says, interrupting Jack. He pushes the younger boy away from him. “I know that a day or two won’t matter much. I just…What if when you get back home, you realize that I’m not what you really want? I’m not who you really want.”

“Oh.”

Alex slumps his shoulders, retreats over to the guest bed. He sits down, stares up at Jack with a rather lost expression. “I can’t lose you again. Not when I just got you back.”

“I’m not…I’m not going to do that to you,” Jack says, sitting down beside him. “I belong here. With you. I always have. You just pushed me away for a bit. But if you promise me you’re not going to run away from me again, I’ll be here.”

“I can promise that,” Alex says quickly, pressing his forehead against Jack’s. He sighs, laces their fingers together. “I promise I’ll never leave you like that again.”

“Okay then,” Jack mumbles, “That’s settled. I have to be at the airport in an hour. Will you drive me?”

Alex nods as he wraps his arms around Jack’s waist. He rests his head on his shoulder, and Jack can feel his heartbeat through his thin t-shirt. He doesn’t want to leave him. But he has to.

-&-

He’d forgotten how different the Maryland weather is compared to Florida. When Jack steps out of BWI and into the sunlight, he grimaces, pulls out his sunglasses and appreciates the fact that he isn’t wearing that sleeveless shirt he almost wore. It’s cooler here than in Florida. He probably should have expected it.

Without any luggage, it’s easy for him to walk down to the end of the street, where people are waiting for a taxi to get home. Jack stands there, arms crossed in front of him self-consciously. The lack of luggage means that he’s not here to stay. And Zack is going to notice that quickly. Jack’s not looking forward to their conversation.

He manages to get a cab not too long later, but the ride from BWI to the home that he and Zack still share is a little over a half an hour – plenty of time for him to try and come up with a way to start the conversation that absolutely needs to take place. It can’t be put off. Jack needs to fly back later tonight. He doesn’t want Joey to realize he’s gone.

The front door is locked and Jack can’t be bothered with searching through his backpack for his keys, so he reaches into the potted plant that sits right next to the door and pulls out the little plastic rock that hides the spare key. For the first time, he’s glad that Zack insisted they needed this.

When he walks into the house and sees all the photos hanging up on the walls and resting on bookshelves and the mantelpiece, it suddenly hits him – everything that he’s about to lose. He’s created a life here – a new one, one that’s Alex-free. And to say that it didn’t make him happy would be a lie. He was happy here. The key word being was. There was always a hole where Alex was – an obvious one. Nobody could ever fill that. No matter how hard Zack tried – and God, did he try – he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t match Alex.

“Jack?”

Jack looks away from the frames, pushing the memories within them to the back of his mind. He doesn’t want to think about what’ll happen to them after he leaves here. He finds Zack standing in the kitchen doorway, grinning like a fool. An unsuspecting fool.

“Hey,” Jack greets him, returning the smile just for something to do. He shrugs his shoulders, not really knowing what else to do. Zack doesn’t seem to catch on to this, because the next moment he’s rushing forward and enveloping Jack in a hug, burying his face in his neck.

“What are you doing here?”

Jack tenses. And that’s what gives him away. Zack pulls back, slowly – almost like he’s afraid to look at Jack. He glances at the backpack at Jack’s feet, his eyes filling with the realization that this isn’t what he thinks it is. He’s not just coming home for the weekend to hang out because he misses him.

“What’s going on?”

“We need…I need to talk to you,” Jack says softly, managing to speak without stuttering or hesitating. He reaches forward, lets his hand gently brush across Zack’s cheekbones. He bites his lip, tries to keep himself from tearing up. Because looking at Zack now, knowing that he’s about to break his heart? It hurts, he won’t deny it.

Zack blinks, reaching up and covering Jack’s hand with his own. “About what? Why are you here? Is everything okay?”

Wordlessly, Jack pulls the younger boy by the hand into the living room, pushes him gently down so that he’s sitting on the couch. He sits down beside him, barely leaving room between them. He watches Zack get comfortable, bringing his legs up underneath him and wrapping his arms around his legs. He does that when he’s nervous.

“Is Joey alright?” Zack asks, his voice small and anxious. He probably thinks Jack’s here to tell him something concerning the eight year old.

“He’s in the hospital right now,” Jack says softly, “His health went downhill pretty quickly. We don’t…they think he has a few days left. I… I don’t really know what’s going to happen when he’s gone.”

He’s thought about how it’s going to be. He’s lived two years without Joey but at least then he knew he was alive – that he was okay. It’ll be a completely different thing once he passes away and Jack isn’t sure if he’ll even be able to handle it.

The boy beside him knows that. He knows Jack like the back of his hand, really. He’s spent nearly a year and a half with him and has been with him through his most recent ups and downs. He knows how Jack works. “You’ll make it,” he says quietly, “You’re strong enough.”

Jack shakes his head. “I don’t think I am,” he confesses, “I’m not. He’s…Alex and I…You knew from the beginning of our relationship that I still loved Alex.” He waits for Zack’s acknowledgment, and when he gets it (a small, uncertain nod), he takes a deep breath and just says what he needs to. What’s going to hurt him. “I need him. To get through this…we need each other. And for so long I’ve been trying to ignore that we’re meant for each other. But I can’t anymore. I can’t give him up.”

“Jack,” Zack chokes, his eyes suddenly wet with tears as he realizes that this is it – that everything he’s known for the past year is crashing down. “Y-you can’t. Please.” He’s begging now, moving in closer and making fists in the fabric of Jack’s t-shirt. “I thought-”

Jack bites down harder on his lip as he takes Zack into a tight hug. He squeezes him close, feeling helpless as he sobs into his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, his lips ghosting over his hair and his breath hitching in his throat. He expected it to be hard but for some reason, this is overwhelming. “I’m sorry I let you down.”

It feels like forever before either of them move. Zack is the first to do so, reaching up and wiping at his eyes. He avoids eye contact with Jack, puts a bit of distance between them and Jack feels horrible. This is never what he wanted. He never intended for this to happen.

“You’ll find someone better,” he promises, reaching out and lacing their fingers together, as if he wants to just offer one last little bit of comfort. “The person who you’re meant to be with.”

Zack pulls away from him and puts even more space between them. Jack watches as he twists his fingers into his own shirt, sniffling and fighting back tears.

“I just… I honestly thought that person was you.”