It Was Always You

“So, you’re meeting Rian after work, right?”

Jack looks up from his bowl of cereal, finding Alex standing in the doorway of the kitchen. His spoon is in his hand, hovering over the bowl. He’s frozen in surprise, because seriously – why is Alex out of bed before seven? Especially today?

“I am, yeah. He said he’d be by to see you tomorrow…”

“So you’ll be home a bit late?” Alex asks quickly, his fingers twisting into the fabric of the t-shirt he’s wearing. Jack’s pretty sure it’s his.

“Probably at seven. Why?”

Alex shrugs, leans up against the doorway and with a nervous expression he says, “Well I was thinking I could make dinner or something? If you don’t want me to that’s fine I just thought maybe it would be a good distraction for me and maybe-”

Jack cuts off his rambling, “That’d be great, Alex.” He stands up and dumps his uneaten cereal into the garbage, his mood suddenly heightening. “It’s a good idea.”

Jack moves over to the doorway and drops his hands to Alex’s hips. He’s still thinner then he was when they first married, and Jack worries about him sometimes. But right now he’s not going to start an argument over that. Not when Alex is clearly having a good day.

“Have a good day, alright?” he tells him quietly, before pressing his lips to the top of his head and hugging him close. “I’ll call you at lunch.”

“Promise?” Alex asks weakly, tightening his arms around Jack’s waist.

“Of course.”

- -

“I know today’s hard for you – Please stay strong, Jack.”

Jack sighs and lets his head drop, his forehead hitting the desk. He’s read too many emails with those words – or at least variations of them. It’s been two years to the day since Joey passed away. And although he really does appreciate all the kind words and sympathy, he’s getting sick of it. No matter what they say, they can’t ease his pain and they can’t bring Joey back. That’s the only thing that would help him – not their kind words.

He’s glad he’s in his office, though. He can lock the door and just sit at his desk and do paper work, ignoring the world outside. He thought that the second year wouldn’t hurt as much. But it did just the same. Then he realized that it’s always going to hurt. No matter what. You can’t run from it.

The first couple of weeks after Joey passed were rough, to say the least. Jack expected them to be, though, so he was somewhat prepared. Every time he caught Alex crying while doing everyday things – doing dishes, making the bed, brushing his teeth – he tried his best to be comforting, even though he was barely keeping his own emotions together.

And even as the months went by, it didn’t seem to get any easier. Joey’s absence was as strong as ever. Jack couldn’t even count how many times he woke up in the middle of the night, finding Alex’s side of the bed empty and hearing his cries from Joey’s old bedroom down the hall. That’s when he decided they had to leave. It wasn’t healthy to be there anymore. And maybe a change in scenery would help Alex. So Jack decided it was time that they moved back to Maryland, into a new house. He decided they had to start over.

Jack managed to re-secure his job at the car dealership – his boss completely understood his situation – and find them a new house to live in. Alex on the other hand didn’t search for a new job. In fact, he really didn’t do much of anything still. He sulked around the house and slept all day and was just all around miserable. Jack couldn’t blame him. In fact, that’s all Jack really wanted to do too. But he had to be the strong one.

This morning, when he saw Alex standing in the doorway, he was truly taken by surprise. It just proves to him that Alex is slowly starting to get better, little by little. He expected Alex to be depressed all day – not getting up until well into the afternoon and crying over everything Jack said to him. At least, that’s what happened the year before.

But if Jack’s honest, he has noticed Alex changing. He doesn’t stay in bed as long anymore and he actually does the grocery shopping once or twice a month. He went back down to Florida for three days to visit John and Rian. He’s getting better. Slowly but surely. And Jack’s proud of him. He always will be.

“Hey, Jack?”

Jack’s boss, Alex Marshall, is knocking on his office door now, and Jack can see his outline through the semi-transparent glass in the door. He sighs and puts his pen down, getting up to unlock the door so that Marshall can come in.

“I need you out on the floor to help someone – everyone else is busy with a customer and you’re my last option. If I had any other choice you know I would take it but…I don’t. So…”

“Yeah, no problem,” Jack nods, reaching up to straighten his tie. “It’s fine. I can do it.”

Marshall grins and pats him on the back. “Awesome. Besides, I think you’re the best option to help this guy. He’s looking for a car for his boyfriend.”

Jack rolls his eyes, “Oh so you need someone who speaks ‘gay’, is that it?” he jokes. “I’m on it.”

The customer that Jack has been asked to assist is looking at a shiny black Ford Focus with a concentrated look, as if the decision he makes today is life or death. Jack walks over to him, confident and cheerful as he possibly can be right now. If he makes this sale maybe Marshall will let him leave early. Then he can meet Rian earlier and get home to be with Alex earlier.

He starts off strong, with “You know, the Ford Focus is one of the top five affordable small cars in America. So, by buying this car, you’d be saving yourself quite a bit of money.”

The man jumps at Jack’s sudden presence, eyes wide. “Sorry,” he blushes, “I didn’t know you were there.”

“No problem. I’m Jack. Are you interested in buying a car from us today?”

He nods and holds his hand out to shake Jacks, “Yeah, I am. My name’s Martin. My boyfriend’s graduation from college is in a few days and I wanted to get him something special, you know?”

Jack fakes interest. “Oh yeah? How long have you been together?”

“A little over a year now,” Martin grins, reaching into his jacket pocket. He pulls out his cell phone and holds it up for Jack to see his background. “That’s him.”

It’s a picture of two people in what looks like (to Jack, at least) New York City. The one on the left is Martin and the one on the right? It’s Zack. Zack Merrick. Jack’s ex-boyfriend. He looks exactly the same except for one thing – he looks happier. Happier than Jack ever had the chance to see. Jack feels his heart pounding in his chest. He wants to ask Martin so many things about Zack – how’s he doing? Did he graduate with honors like he wanted? Has he ever mentioned me? Are you treating him right? But he refrains, instead just smiling more and telling Martin that they look like a good couple. It’s not even a lie.

“So yeah. I know he likes the Focus a lot. I’m just not sure on the color…”

“Well I think I can help you out with that decision.”

- -

It’s a quarter past six when Jack is sitting in his car in the driveway. He’s staring up at the two story home, not quite ready to go inside. He can see the kitchen light on and to be honest, Jack is afraid of the state he’ll find him in when he gets in there. He could be totally fine – just like when Jack left him this morning. And then on the other hand, he could be a total mess.

The flickering of one of the outside lights brings Jack back to reality, back to the fact that he’s sitting in his car, afraid to go inside. He’s being ridiculous, he realizes. Alex is probably just finishing up dinner and waiting for Jack to get home so they can eat together and talk about what happened at work and how Jack’s visit with Rian was.

So he gets out of the car with a smile, his excitement to see Alex increasing as he walks up the pathway. His fumbles a few times with his keys before managing to successfully unlock the front door and push it open, the smell of Italian food instantly hitting him.

“Hey Lex? I’m home!”

“I’m in the kitchen!”

He finds Alex in front of the microwave, eyes trained on the back of a box labeled ‘chicken parmesan dinner for two’ and Jack finds himself laughing. Because of course Alex wouldn’t try making anything on his own.

“Shut up,” he says when he realizes Jack is laughing at him, “You know I can’t really cook!”

“It’s okay baby. We can pretend you made it all on your own.”

Alex pouts and tries to resist Jack’s hug. “I tried to make pasta but I ended up burning it somehow. So I had to go out and buy this. I just wanted everything to be perfect.”

Noticing how upset Alex is actually getting over this, Jack quickly stops his laughter. “Baby I’m serious – it’s totally fine. I don’t care if you can cook or not. You know that.”

His arms engulf Alex in a tight hug and Alex mumbles, “I just…Jack, I have to talk to you.”

He sounds miserable all of a sudden and Jack thinks that maybe he hasn’t been paying close enough attention to him. Was he not as okay as Jack thought he was that morning? Was Jack just trying to see what he wanted to see? He pulls away but keeps a tight hold on Alex’s shoulders. “Is everything alright?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well…I have something to tell you but I’m not sure how you’re going to take it so…I don’t really want to tell you.”

Alex looks even smaller than he did this morning, if possible. Something’s obviously worrying him and it has been for a while, it seems. Jack wants to kick himself for not noticing this sooner. That’s his job – taking care of Alex. How could he have missed it?

“Is it bad?” Jack asks, “You can tell me. I’m not going to be mad or anything, Lex.”

“It’s just something that we haven’t talked about and I don’t know if it’s a good time to-”

“Tell me. Come on, just spit it out.”

“I’m pregnant.”

For the second time today, Jack is caught off guard. First with Zack and now with this. Pregnant? He can’t even really wrap his mind around it. A baby. Is that…is that something that they could handle right now? So soon? They haven’t talked about it at all, but Jack’s not exactly opposed to it. Just…Now?

“If you’re not happy then just say so. I can’t read your mind, Jack, as much as I wish I could.”

“I...I don’t know how I feel right now, to be honest,” Jack admits, reaching up and running a hand through his hair.

A baby. Maybe…maybe it isn’t a bad thing at all. Maybe it’s what they need. A baby could help them move on.

“Wait, when did we even have-”

Alex rolls his eyes and hits Jack in the chest, answering before he can even really finish asking the question, “The night before I went to visit Rian and John. Remember?”

“Right, right. That was two months ago. That makes sense.”

“Ok now that it makes sense. Do you um. Want to tell me what you’re thinking, or…”

“I think,” Jack says, stepping forward and letting his hands cup the older boy’s face, “I think this is a good thing. Definitely a good thing.”

Alex’s eyes light up, but he still looks a bit apprehensive as he leans up against the kitchen counter, Jack stepping between his legs. “You’re sure?”

“I’m positive,” Jack laughs, pressing light kisses all over Alex’s face. “I love you.”

“Jack!” Alex squeaks, trying to slip out from Jack’s hold, “Jack quit it!”

“But I just love you so much. There’s no way I’m letting you go.”

Alex gives up trying to escape, instead collapsing forward and putting all of his weight on Jack. Jack can feel his heart pounding through his t-shirt and he knows the older boy is probably grinning ear to ear right now. He’s right when he says that this will be good for them. A baby will help them move on. Not forget. Because they really never could forget everything that Joey gave them in the short time he had. But a baby would help ease the pain, if not just the slightest bit.