It Was Always You

“Are you sure you’re okay to stay home alone? You look really pale, Jack.”

Jack rolls over, pulling the covers down from over his head and he looks at Zack, finding him standing at the foot of their bed. His head is tilted sideways, worrying his lip with his teeth and his arms clutching two textbooks close to his chest.

“I’ll be fine. I can always call you if I need anything,” Jack responds softly, trying his best to sound under the weather. His boss bought his sick act, but Zack knows him like the back of his hand (he thinks he does, at least) and the chances of him seeing through this are pretty high.

But he nods, then, smiling a bit as he says, “Okay well I’ll be back by three. Try and drink water and call me if you need me.”

Even if Jack really was sick and he needed Zack, he probably wouldn’t call. It’s getting closer to the end of April, meaning finals will be coming up soon in early May. Zack is one of those students who have to maintain their 4.0 GPA or else they will self-combust and lie on the floor, leaving themselves there to die. That’s how he explained himself to Jack, at least. So, Jack wouldn’t want to keep him from his classes just to come home and take care of him.

Zack is gone within ten minutes. Jack heard him moving about in their kitchen which is right below their bedroom, probably making himself coffee and toast and trying to figure out where Jack hid the card that got sent back. He knows Jack takes them and hides them away but he’s never been able to figure out where. Jack knows it’s just because he’s curious. But once the door closes, Jack sits up, running a hand through his hair and looking over at his closet doors.

He stumbles out of bed, still kind of groggy from sleeping and he reaches for his glasses so he can see properly before digging through his closet. It probably wouldn’t be too smart of him to start pulling things out and throwing them around without even being able to really see what he’s doing. Once he’s got his glasses on, providing him with temporary 20/20 vision, he kneels down and pulls the closet doors open, revealing a mess of shoes and shirts and belts and other clothing items littering the floor.

It doesn’t take too long to push everything aside and get to the very back corner where a small shoebox is hidden. His hands manage to grab it and pull it out easily, resting it in his lap and removing the lid.

Inside there’s a mess of assorted objects. There’s a small paperback book that used to belong to Alex (well, if he wanted it back it’s not like Jack would say no) and twenty or so glossy colorful pictures scattered around. But the first thing he grabs is the small bundle, held together by a blue rubber band. It’s a stack of envelopes, all addressed to the same person. All stamped with the same “Return to Sender” stamp. He stares at them for a few seconds, his eyes blinking back tears. He suddenly feels over-emotional and that’s a sign that he really shouldn’t be doing this right now. But Zack’s at school so this is really the only time he has if he doesn’t want to have to explain himself.

Sighing, he opens his bedside table drawer and pulls out the newest returned card, the one that he received back yesterday, and slides it into the bundle. There’s a little less than a year’s worth of cards in there. Holiday cards, ‘missing you’ cards, and now a birthday card. Jack finds himself wondering how many more he’ll have in here and the fact that he will probably never speak to Alex and get the new, correct address out of him is terrifying. For the past two years, he’s been separated from his son and that’s been difficult enough. But for the rest of his life? Jack’s not sure if he will be able to handle that.

He goes to put the stack of letters back into the box, but something catches his eye. It’s been a while since he’s looked inside and seeing the photo of him and Alex at graduation is a strange sight. He pulls it out and holds it up in front of him. It’s been folded in half and it’s a little bit worn, but it still causes Jack to smile through his tears. They were eighteen and happy and were about to move into their first apartment together. After three years of dating and a lot of discussion between both of their parents, they were finally going to take a step into the real world and live life on their own. And maybe that’s where their downfall was.

He looks down again, ready to put the picture back and close the box back up. But then he sees something else – something that makes his heart ache and his eyes fill with even more tears. He grabs the sonogram, his fingers gripping it tightly. In the corner, in Alex’s handwriting, it reads ‘five months – our baby boy’ and a little hand drawn smiley face at the end. He remembers sitting in the car, on the way back from the doctor’s appointment. Alex was practically crying, he was so happy and Jack couldn’t really blame him. They were nineteen. They were happy together.

Jack’s not really entirely sure what happened to make Alex leave. It was five years after they got married. Six years since they had Joey. Yes, they had been fighting a lot. And okay, they weren’t even sleeping in the same bed anymore. But they didn’t even really try to fix it. Alex shot down every suggestion Jack had, from marriage counseling to just simply talking. He gave up on their marriage and on July 25th, he packed up all of his things and moved to Florida, taking their son with him. Jack’s heart was pretty messed up as it was already, but that just made it ten times worse.

They kept in contact for a full year after that. Jack would talk to Joey on the phone, asking him about his days at school and all the friends he made. The six year old would ask Jack when he was going to see him again and Jack would tell him ‘soon, I promise’. And Jack wasn’t even lying. He thought for sure that Alex would get a grip on himself and eventually come back home. But after a few months, it started to become more and more obvious that Alex was drifting away from him and getting back together wasn’t something he could count on.

About a year and a month after he left, Alex cut off all contact. He moved, changed his number, and never told Jack. Jack tried to call a million times and he tried writing, but his calls never went through and his letters got sent back. He tried everything, but Alex didn’t want to be found. As much as Jack wanted to say that it was shocking, he really couldn’t. Because Alex had been pulling away from him and Jack didn’t put in enough effort to hold on.

Jack finds himself thinking about what could have possibly driven Alex to the point where he felt he needed to cut off all contact. He and Jack were – and still are – married. They had a son together. Things should have been fine. They should have been able to talk things out after taking some time apart. But they couldn’t seem to do that. And then, Jack’s brain reminds him exactly why Alex cut off contact. It was Jack’s fault, despite what Zack claims.

He met Zack at work. He sold him a car, giving him a pretty good deal on it too. Jack would be lying if he said he didn’t think Zack was hot right from the start. And maybe he was a little bit distracted by how attractive he was. It doesn’t really matter though, because Zack obviously felt the same way. He came back to the car dealership quite a few times after that, just to talk to Jack and get to know him. Jack wasn’t oblivious – he knew what Zack was doing, knew that he was trying to pursue a relationship with him. Jack went along with it. He was lonely and missing Alex and he figured, ‘Alex is gone. Alex left me. Why shouldn’t I start moving on too?’ and that was that.

Zack took the fact that Jack was still married pretty well. Extremely well, actually. When Jack told him, he simply shrugged his shoulders, saying, “I have time. I can wait” and Jack smiled, kissed him hard and knew that he just found someone that would help him move on with his life.

It was around that exact time that Alex stopped calling and changed all his contact information. After Jack told him he met someone and was dating again. Zack blames himself, Jack knows he does. One night after a night out and Zack was extremely intoxicated and talking a mile a minute, he told Jack how badly he felt. That it was his fault that he doesn’t talk to Alex or his son anymore and he beats himself up for it every single day. For some reason, Jack can’t bring himself to tell Zack that he’s wrong. That it was Jack’s fault. He tried to talk to Alex one night about separating legally and talking about joint custody of Joey, and Alex got mad. Madder than Jack has ever heard him before and he hung up and told Jack he’d call when he wasn’t so pissed off. But he never did. Instead, he moved and changed his number and hasn’t contacted Jack since.

Now that he’s already broken down the wall he’s built up over past year, it wouldn’t hurt too much to continue looking through all of the shit he’s kept hidden away. Jack reaches back into the box and picks up the wedding band sitting at the bottom. He rolls it around in his palm, frowning more at how dull it looks. It used to be shiny and new but not after a year of sitting in a dark box in the back of a closet. It’s kind of ironic in a way, Jack thinks, because he feels like it’s an accurate portrayal of his life. With Alex in it, it was shiny and exciting and after a year without him, it’s lost its shine.

He’s not sure if he’ll ever stop loving Alex. Sure, he feels strongly about Zack and he tells him he loves him at least once a day. But Zack’s only got a small piece of his heart. He’s wonderful and perfect and everything Jack could ever want in a boyfriend. But he’s not Alex. He’s not the man he married and had a son with. Jack feels terrible comparing Zack to Alex sometimes but he can’t help it. But he also knows that he’s going to have to stop that, stop comparing the two because Alex will never be in his life again at this rate. And he’s got Zack. Zack should be good enough for him.