It Was Always You

“To: Zee
I wish you were with me right now.”

Jack frowns, his thumb running across the screen of his cell phone. He has to turn it off soon, considering the flight’s going to leave, but he just wanted to text Zack once more before it did. The younger boy’s in class but he’s probably got his phone out, hidden beneath a textbook or something, waiting for Jack’s message. The seat next to him is empty, and Jack is thankful for that. He’s sure that throughout the flight, he’s going to be jittery and nervous and would not be very pleasant to sit next to.

“From: Zee
6:19am Apr 19th
You will be fine! I love you :)”

With Zack’s response, Jack sighs and holds down the ‘end’ button, turning the cell phone off. It flashes the phone service logo and then goes blank and Jack slips it into his carry-on. He’ll pull it back out when the plane lands in Florida and he’ll call Zack as soon as he can and Zack will have to calm him down. He already warned Zack before he left so the younger boy should be expecting it. Hopefully he’ll be prepared to do damage control because Jack knows he’s going to be a wreck.

Alex’s address and cell number are written down in numerous places. On his phone; on a piece of paper in his jeans pocket; on the back page of the book he brought to read. Plus, he’s memorized them. There’s no way he’s messing this up by getting Alex’s address or number wrong. This is his chance at being in Joey’s life again, no matter how short-lived it might be.

At that thought, Jack’s eyes start to water and he has to remind himself to take a deep breath and just relax. Joey’s going to be perfectly fine. They’re going to help him get better with treatments and anything else they need to do. It’s all gonna work out fine.

What if it doesn’t?

Jack’s not going to think too much about that right now.

-&-

The flight lands on time at nine twenty and as soon as he gets the okay from the flight attendants, he gets his cell phone out and turns it on, anxious to talk to Zack before getting off the plane. He’s nervous and excited and freaked out all at the same time and he just needs someone to talk to him and get him to relax again. Maybe he should have taken the flight attendant up on that offer for that free shot of vodka. She definitely had a crush on him.

“I’m assuming you’re there,” is what Zack answers the call with and Jack can tell that he’s smiling.

“Yeah. Just landed. They haven’t let us off yet but probably soon. Um. How was class?”

“Same as always. So are you going to get a cab? And take that to Alex’s house?”

Jack nods to himself and picks at a stray thread on his jeans. “Yeah. I’ll find one outside or have one of the front desks call for one for me.”

“Okay. You better text me that you got there safely. Alex knows you’re coming right?”

“Yeah. He knows what time my flight gets in and everything. I…I’m kind of freaking out. I don’t know what to expect and-”

“Hey,” Zack interrupts, his voice soft and soothing, “Breathe. Relax. You’re fine. You’re going to see Alex and nothing will be weird. You’ll see Joey and find out he’s going to be okay. There’s no reason to freak.”

“You’re right,” Jack says as the announcement comes over the speaker that they’re going to be letting everyone off, “You’re always right. Thanks for reassuring me.”

“That’s my job as your boyfriend, isn’t it?”

Jack grins, “Yeah. That’s very true. Anyway, I’m gonna go and try and figure out where my bags and stuff are. I’ll let you know when I get to Alex’s and then I’ll call you and fill you in on all the details when I get to my hotel room tonight.”

“Okay, good luck. I love you, Jack.”

“Love you too, babe.”

He hangs up, slipping the phone into the front pocket of his jeans. Talking to Zack was reassuring but it only really made him want his boyfriend with him even more.

-&-

Alex lives on a dead-end street. It’s in a quiet neighborhood with green lawn after green lawn after green lawn. Everything seems so nice and perfect that it makes Jack, if possible, even more nervous to be here. It’s nearly ninety degrees out, hotter than he’s used to. For the millionth time today, he wishes that if he were to reach out, he’d find Zack not too far behind. But he’s not. And that’s something Jack’s going to have to get used to for now.

He pays the cab driver and tips him, declining help with his bags. He’s only got two of them and they’re not that heavy anyway, so he can really manage on his own just fine. He double and triple checks the house number before beginning the walk up the path, his eyes dissecting the two story, off-white house. It looks well-kept, he decides, eyeing the perfectly edged grass and cute little pink and purple flowers. The house is nicely painted and the grass is currently being watered. Clearly Alex is doing pretty well for himself. Not that Jack expected otherwise.

One thing that makes him smile as he steps up to the front door are the various children’s toys that he can see littering the grass. Toy shovels and little racecars that Jack remembers Joey loving when he still lived with him. It tugs on Jack’s heart, in a good way for once.

But now he finds himself at the front door, the doorbell practically glaring at him. He has to ring it, he knows he does. So he reaches out and presses it, hearing it ring inside the house from where he’s standing outside. He can hear a dog barking, but it’s kind of distant so he can’t tell if it’s coming from Alex’s house or not.

He quickly wonders if Alex looks the same. He probably does. And will it be awkward at first? Absolutely. Will he be happy to see Jack? That’s the only thing Jack can’t be sure of. It could go either way really. He hears the front door unlock and his chest tightens out of nerves. Here goes nothing, really.

The door swings open, but it’s not Alex on the other side, and that makes his heart drop, for some reason. Instead, there’s a tall, kind of lanky boy with dark brown messy hair and kind bright green eyes. He stares at Jack with a crooked smile and pushes open the screen door.

“Hey. You’re Jack?” he asks in a strange accent that Jack doesn’t quite recognize. He thinks it must be from the west coast, though. “Come on in and put your bags down over there.”

Jack narrows his eyes because seriously – who even is this guy? But he walks inside all the same and puts his bags down where the man is pointing, right beside a couch. He stands up straight, feeling awkward and confused. This guy…is he Alex’s boyfriend? Or something like that? Is he romantically associated with Alex? For some reason, that thought upsets Jack way more than it should.

“It’s really nice to finally meet you,” the man says, reaching out and taking Jack’s hand into his own. He shakes it firmly, still smiling. “My name’s John. John O’Callaghan. I’m Alex’s roommate.”

Jack stares, blinks a few times, and then nods. “Right. I…Is Alex home? He said-”

“No,” John states, clapping his hands together and widening his eyes. He’s a freak, Jack has decided. “He’s at the hospital with Joey. But he gave Rian and I strict instructions to drive you to the hospital as soon as you got here.”

“Who’s Rian?” Jack asks.

“I’m Rian.” The voice comes from across the room and Jack looks over, finding another man stepping into the house through the back door. Right by his side is a dog – probably the one Jack heard barking before – and he slides the back door closed, making sure to lock it. “Go lay down, Sam,” he says to the dog, pointing in the direction of the kitchen, and then he’s making his way towards Jack and John, his face not giving away any kind of emotion. The dog has ignored his instruction to lie down and instead wanders over to Jack, looking at him cautiously and sniffing at his shoes.

“Rian this is Jack. Jack this is Rian. He’s a good friend of Alex. And me too. But he knew Alex first,” John explains, motioning between both Jack and Rian. “Anyway, you both ready to go to the hospital?”

“You can stay here,” Rian tells him, “I’ll just drop Jack off and then go pick up dinner so we have something for when they get back with Joey.”

“Oh okay. That’s fine, cause I actually do have work to do,” John agrees, taking a few steps backwards towards the hallway, “Text me when you’re on your way back.”

“Will do. Come on, Jack.”

Rian moves to open the front door, not giving Jack another look. Jack has pegged him as an asshole. He seems rude, especially since he won’t even look at Jack and he’s already halfway down the path towards his car. But of course, only time will tell if Jack’s assumptions are actually right. Maybe he’s just having an off day.

“See you later!” John calls out as Jack walks down the front steps to follow Rian. John is nice, Jack decides. Weird, definitely. But a nice weird. A well-meaning weird.

Rian’s car is one of the newest on the market. Jack remembers hearing about it from his boss and about how he wanted to go buy it but he really couldn’t because it wasn’t one that his company sold and that would probably go against his contract somehow. Knowing this, Jack hates Rian even more for some reason.

“So Alex said that you can just go up to the front desk, tell them who you are, show ID and then they’ll tell you where to go. He already mentioned that you’d be coming so they’re expecting you,” Rian explains as he merges onto the highway.

“Right…Okay.”

Rian doesn’t say another word the entire car ride, which only adds to Jack’s suspicions that yes, he’s an asshole. He taps his fingers on the steering wheel and hums along to the song on the radio but other than that, nothing. No other communication with Jack. Well, not that Jack tried to make conversation either.

It takes another twenty minutes to get to the hospital, and Jack takes a mental note to complain about that to Alex. That’s a bit too far of a drive. What if something happens and Joey needs to get there on short notice?

Rian parks right outside, looking at Jack as he speaks for the first time in nearly a half hour. “Good luck, dude. You’ll need it.”

Jack’s not sure exactly what to respond with. Thanks? Yeah, no. So instead he just nods in acknowledgement and opens up the passenger’s door, stepping out onto the hot pavement. “Um. Thanks for the ride.”

“It’s no problem. Tell Alex to call me when you guys are ready to leave.”

“Sure. Yeah, okay. I’ll do that.”

Rian nods as Jack shuts the car door and he puts the car back in drive. “See you later, then.”

Before he drives away, he gives Jack a sympathetic look and it makes Jack more nervous than he was. But he does his best to shake it off, to ignore it as much as he can, before turning and walking towards the hospital’s automatic doors. Inside, it smells like bleach and other disinfectants and okay, yeah it’s comforting to know that it’s clean. But at the same time, it makes Jack nauseous and uneasy. He hates hospitals. And the fact that his son is here is really unsettling.

The front desk isn’t crowded. In fact, there’s nobody around except for one nurse sitting behind it at the computer. Her fingernails clack on the keys as she types information in, probably about one of the patients, and it takes a few seconds for her to realize that Jack is standing in front of her.

“Can I help you?” She asks, grinning widely and showing off her white, although slightly crooked, teeth. Her eyes trail up and down his body and he feels a bit uncomfortable because uh. Yeah.

“My name’s Jack Barakat. I’m here to visit my son-”

“Jack.”

The nurse behind the desk leans to her left, looking past Jack and smiling and waving. Jack hasn’t turned around yet, but he knows that voice. The same voice that called him up yesterday. The same voice he fell in love with and the same voice that broke him into a million pieces. He’s not entirely sure what he’s expecting to see or what he’s expecting Alex to tell him, but he’s got a few ideas. He hopes they’re all wrong, though.

But Alex looks exactly the same as he did when he left. Same height, same body, same hair color. Same everything. Except for one obvious difference. He’s tired. He’s exhausted. He isn’t happy. The way he’s standing, shoulders slumped arms crossed over his chest, makes Jack’s heart ache painfully.

Jack walks towards him unsurely, not knowing what he should do, really. Does he shake Alex’s hand? Does he hug him? Punch him in the face? All of those options seem like good ideas to him – especially that last one.

“Hi, Jack,” Alex says once Jack gets closer, his lips turning up into a small, forced smile. “You um. You look good.”

The older boy nods, not sure what else to do. “Thanks…You do too.”

“Joey’s excited to see you,” Alex bites his lip as he stares up at Jack. “He’s been bouncing around all day waiting for you.”

It’s weird to Jack that they’re just standing in the middle of a hospital lobby, seeing each other for the first time in two years. No hugging, no expression of how much one missed the other. He wasn’t expecting much, but maybe a bit more than this.

“He’s in the Pediatric Unit on the third floor,” Alex continues, turning slightly and motioning towards the elevator. “We’re waiting for a doctor to come in and give us the go-ahead to go home.”

“I want to talk to the doctor,” Jack says as he follows Alex towards the elevators, “I wanna be filled in on everything.”

Alex nods as he presses the button. “Right. Well I mean…I could do that. We might be waiting for him for a little bit.”

“Whatever. I just want to know everything that’s going on. And why you never called me. And why you just decided that now would be a good time to let me know.”

“Maybe that could be a discussion that could occur when we get home.”

Jack doesn’t protest. He just follows Alex into the elevator and keeps his mouth shut. Clearly Alex has an idea of exactly how he wants the next few days to go. Jack will try his best to go along with that.

-&-

The Pediatric Unit is exactly what Jack expected it to be – depressing. As he follows Alex down the hallways, he sees two young girls laughing and chasing each other in the opposite direction. They’re here for a reason and that makes Jack’s heart sink. They don’t deserve to be sick so young. They’ve barely had any time to live.

“This is his room,” Alex says after walking down hallway after hallway for three minutes. “He’s probably going to freak out. You um. You know how he gets when he’s been kept inside all day…”

Jack wants to make some comment about how he’s forgotten that detail – about how he has no idea what Joey’s like anymore. Two years? That’s a long time for someone’s personality to shift one way or another. Especially for a young, impressionable kid who’s going through some of the most crucial years of development. But he bites his tongue and nods, watching Alex push the door open.

The first thing he sees is a large group of balloons tied to the end of the hospital bed. They vary in color and saying, but they all give across the same ‘get well soon’ message and Jack feels like there’s something stuck in his throat. The bed’s occupied by a small, frail looking boy that Jack would be able to recognize from a mile away. He’s sitting cross-legged on the bed on top of the sheets in jeans and a blue Pokémon t-shirt. His shoulders are hunched as he looks down at the Nintendo DS that Jack sent him for his birthday last year. His fingers are moving quickly over the buttons, probably trying to break some sort of high score and he’s completely oblivious to anyone else being in the room.

He needs a haircut, is the first thing that runs through Jack’s brain. His dirty blonde hair is hanging in his eyes and it’s getting really long in the back. He’s too thin, also. Like he hasn’t been eating properly for weeks. But other than that, he seems okay.

Jack feels Alex’s hand on his lower back, gently pushing him further into the room and that’s when the little boy in the bed looks up from his video game. His lips turn upwards into a smile and he drops the video game onto the bed.

“Dad! You’re here!” he exclaims, trying to get his legs out from underneath him and get out of the bed as quickly as possible, but he’s having slight difficulty because he’s moving too fast and stumbling over his own two feet.

Jack laughs, although his eyes are filled with water and all he really wants to do is break down and start crying. He walks the short distance between the door and Joey’s bed and he bends down and opens his arms just in time for the eight year old to throw himself into his embrace. Jack’s arms wrap tightly around his small frame, with no intent on letting go any time soon.

“I missed you,” Joey says, his voice muffled because of how tightly Jack is hugging him.

“I missed you too.”

-&-

“If he’s as sick as you’re saying he is, I don’t understand why he’s not still in the hospital, getting treatment. I don’t know much about leukemia but I know-”

“You know how I said he was diagnosed six months ago, Jack?” Alex interrupts, pushing his coffee mug away from him. His fingers splay out on top of the kitchen table and he stares down at them, sighing deeply before continuing. “We did treatment already. We did chemo; we did bone marrow transplants. Both didn’t work. His body rejected everything the doctor’s tried. They said…they said there isn’t much more they can do.”

Jack blinks twice, letting this new information sink in. He can hear Joey in the living room, talking to Alex’s roommate John about how many more Pokémon trainers he needs to beat to win his game. John seems to be humoring him and responding with interested answers. As much of a nice guy that John is, Jack hates that he’s spent the last two years with his son and Jack hasn’t.

“What do you mean by ‘not much more they can do’?”

Alex groans and puts his elbows on the table, running his hands over his face. “I mean, there’s nothing more anyone can do. We tried to help him get better. Joey…He’s not going to get better.”

Alex’s words repeat themselves in Jack’s head, echoing and bouncing off each other and he has to close his eyes, suddenly feeling more than overwhelmed. But once his eyes are closed, they just flash across his eyelids, not letting him escape. His son’s dying. There’s no treatment or medicine that can help him. And Jack’s missed out on time that he could have spent with him all because of Alex.

He lifts his head, opens his eyes to find Alex staring back at him, his cheeks wet and eyes red. “When did you find out the treatments failed?”

“A week ago. As soon as they told me I went searching for your contact info Jack. I swear-”

“So for six months, you were taking him to doctors and specialists, getting him treatment and hoping he’d get better, and not once did you think I would want to know? That I would want to be involved? Maybe I could have helped, Alex! What if I could have done something?”

“I was scared-”

“You just completely blocked me out! I could have…I could have fucking had the cops looking for you and you could have been charged for kidnapping, do you realize that?”

Alex nods, “And why didn’t you do that, then?”

“I…” Jack sighs, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes, the pressure somehow better than looking at Alex. “Because. I don’t know. Zack told me to. Zack tried to get me to do it so many times. But I couldn’t.”

“Well.” Alex stands up, avoiding Jack’s eyes. “Zack seems like a guy with common sense.”

“Alex-”

“Where is he, anyway? Why isn’t he here with you?” Alex spits out, bringing his and Jack’s coffee mugs over to the sink, “What, did he not want make the trip?”

Jack knew Zack would be brought up eventually. He knew Alex would get all pissy about it too, so this isn’t surprising. “He has school, Alex. He can’t miss. He’d be here with me if he could. He’s not like you. He doesn’t just give up on someone-”

“He’s still in school? What is he, eighteen?”

“No. He’s twenty three and you know what? I’m done talking to you right now. I’m not going to stand here and watch you flip out over the fact that I’ve moved on from you.”

Jack hates this. Hates that they’re fighting about Zack while their son has an incurable disease and doesn’t have much life left to live. He hates that he even fed the argument, throwing in a jab at Alex’s abandonment. He hates everything about this right now and he doesn’t know how to turn it into something better.

-&-

Leaving Joey to go to his hotel room is a million times more difficult than Jack thought it would be. The eight year old is clinging to him, arms wrapped around his neck and Jack easily supporting him. He’s probably the same weight as he was when Alex took him away. And that’s something that shows how sick he is, because after two years, he should have grown.

“I’ll be back tomorrow morning. I’ll hang out with you all day, promise,” Jack says, pressing his lips to the top of Joey’s head. He has to put him down in order to leave but his arms are betraying him and refuse to let him go. After two years of not being able to hold him, he’s making up for lost time, he guesses.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” Joey questions, “And eat breakfast with me?”

Jack laughs, “Sure. Tell Daddy to call me when you wake up and I’ll come over and eat breakfast with you. And then we can do something fun. Sound okay?”

Joey agrees, and Jack puts him back down so that he’s standing. He’s gotten taller since the last time he saw him, which isn’t surprising. Both Jack and Alex are over six feet, so he’s definitely going to be on the taller side. Unless, of course, genetics decides to surprise them.

“I’ll drive you to your hotel, Jack,” John offers, grabbing his car keys off the coffee table. He avoids looking at Alex, who’s glaring at him, and he motions towards the front door. “Ready?”

The drive isn’t as awkward as it was with Rian. John makes light conversation. Stupid things about how it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and how badly the plants in the backyard need to be watered. Jack has never seen one man be so concerned about the health of his yard plants.

But then he starts talking about how excited Joey was when he found out Jack was coming to visit. How he begged Alex to buy Jack’s favorite ice cream at the food store and how he asked if they could have a sleepover in the living room and stay up all night like they used to do. John smiles the whole way, but Jack finds himself trying his best not to cry.

“I know Alex is being difficult right now, Jack,” John says as he pulls in front of the hotel’s main lobby doors and turns the car off. “But imagine what must be going through his head right now? Nothing good, really.”

“’Difficult’ is Alex’s middle name,” Jack mumbles as he opens the door and grabs his bags out of the trunk of the car. “Thanks for the ride, John.”

-&-

The hotel room is nice. Nicer than Jack expected. It has a double bed, a fridge, a bathroom and a coffee machine and that’s all Jack really needs. The bonus is the flat screen TV with movie channels that he can surf through if he can’t sleep. Which is a guarantee tonight.

He and Alex still have a lot of things to talk about. And he wants to call up Joey’s doctors and get all the details, because to be honest, he really doesn’t quite trust Alex to give him all the information. But he can do that tomorrow. He doesn’t want to have to think about anything other than taking a shower and trying to sleep. And calling Zack. Zack will be able to give him advice. He always can.

He takes a long time in the shower, only because he stands under the spray of the hot water, letting it hit his back and relax him just the slightest. Today’s been nothing but a mess and stressful. He’s never been this stressed out, not even while working overtime during the Christmas season. It’s logical, though. Because Christmas season sales shouldn’t be nearly as stressful as your son being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

After drying off and changing into a pair of sweatpants, he collapses onto the bed, arm thrown over his eyes and he sighs loudly and reaches for his cell phone with his other hand. It’s been buzzing since he went into the bathroom, probably alerting him of a new text from Zack. He doesn’t bother checking, and instead just goes straight to calling him, pressing the phone lightly to his ear. He doesn’t have much effort left today.

“Hey. So how’d it go?”

Jack tells Zack everything – from getting to Alex’s earlier in the day to leaving just under an hour ago. The younger boy listens the entire time, occasionally giving his input. Not once does he bash Alex, or say what Alex did was awful, and that just proves that Zack’s a bigger person than Alex is. Maturity-wise, at least.

“If you need me to come down there, just tell me. I can be there in –”

“I think I’m okay for now,” Jack says softly, his arms tightening around one of his pillows. “I’m going to talk to Joey’s doctor tomorrow and get the details and figure out the money situation. And I’ll spend some time with Joey. And then from there… I don’t know yet. But I’ll figure it out.” He sits up straight, smiling to himself as he remembers once little detail about the upcoming few days. “I’ll also have to find you a good birthday gift, considering your birthday is in two days.”

“That’s not exactly priority right now.”

“You’re always a part of my priority.”