It Was Always You

Jack’s not nervous. He’s just…a little anxious. Because Zack’s flight lands any minute now and he’ll be walking through those gates and he’ll be excited to see Jack. But Jack knows what he’s bringing Zack home to. It’s not exactly something to be excited about.

When Jack told Alex that Zack would be coming to spend a few days here, the older man was, of course, livid. He didn’t come out and say that, though. He just transformed from this happy, carefree person to an angry, moody individual who ignored Jack every time he tried to talk to him. Luckily, Joey didn’t notice anything. If anything, he thought Alex and Jack were still getting along as well as they were in the living room before they sat down for dinner. John definitely noticed, but he didn’t say anything. And Rian probably noticed too. But he left before dinner because he had a ‘date’ with some girl named Kara. He seemed to lighten up a bit after he said her name and Jack thinks that maybe she’s the only one capable of making him slightly pleasant to be around.

When Jack stopped by the house before coming to the airport, Alex was still in a terrible mood. He glared at Jack, snapped at him and told him no when he asked if he could take Joey with him to get Zack. Jack didn’t take it too personally. To be honest, he kind of figured Alex would say no. And okay, he doesn’t blame him for saying ‘no’ too much, because the situation is a bit weird. But he could have been a bit nicer about it. Especially towards Joey, because the eight year old was kind of excited about it. But Alex snapped at him, too.

So, needless to say, Jack doesn’t really want to introduce Zack to Alex. He has to, he knows that much, but. Yeah. It’s extremely unappealing. Alex will be a little bitch and Zack will still be the sweetest, nicest person in the world and take Alex’s insults as if he deserves them. On second thought, Jack knows Zack well enough by now to know that he actually will think he deserves them. And if Alex makes Zack feel bad about himself, Jack’s not sure exactly how he’s going to handle that situation. Because he can’t just let Alex do that. Zack’s his boyfriend. He deserves respect.

Jack doesn’t have time to think about that anymore, though, because now there’s a flood of people walking through the gates, all coming off the plane from Maryland. Most of them are businessmen, with briefcases and glasses and they’re probably here for meetings with their bosses and hoping to go home with a raise, or a promotion. There are a few older people, probably coming back from a visit with their children and grandchildren. And then, there’s Zack.

The twenty-three year old looks lost and a little bit confused walking through the airport. His eyes are scanning the crowd, looking for Jack, but Jack just stays where he’s leaning against one of the many chairs. He can’t fight the grin taking over his face even if he wanted to. It’s been days since he’s seen his boyfriend and that’s the longest they’ve gone since they started dating.

He waits for Zack to notice him, admiring him from a distance. He feels kind of creep, if he’s honest, but he doesn’t let it bother him too much because seriously. Zack’s his boyfriend. This is okay. And when the younger boy finally does see him, his eyes light up and he practically runs to Jack, throwing his arms around his neck.

Jack lifts him easily, holding him tight and not even caring that they’re kind of making a scene in the middle of the airport. People do it all the time. Granted, it’s usually two people of the opposite sex who are doing it, but Jack doesn’t particularly care. He puts Zack down so that he’s on his feet again (because to be honest, he’s heavier than Jack realized and Jack’s not exactly the strongest person in the world) but he still keeps Zack’s body close.

“I missed you,” Zack mumbles into Jack’s chest and Jack can feel him smiling. “I’m glad you wanted me to come.”

Jack ignores the pang of guilt, pushes it aside, as he squeezes Zack tightly before pushing him away so he can see him better. “Of course I wanted you to,” he says softly, letting his hand come up to cup Zack’s face. “I missed you too much.” And then he notices, Zack’s hair is significantly shorter than when he left. “I see you got a haircut.”

Zack smiles, runs his fingers through his short hair, “Yeah…I figured I might as well.”

“You look good.” He kisses him softly, barely letting Zack register the feeling of his lips on his before pulling away. He figures they’ll have time alone together to do more than that once they get to the hotel room later. “Let’s go get your stuff so we can bring it to the car.”

“You have a car?” Zack asks, slipping his arm around Jack’s waist as they walk towards baggage claim. “Did you rent it?”

Jack shakes his head, “No, Alex’s housemate John let me borrow his. I originally had asked Alex to use his but…Well. He claimed he was using it so John offered his.”

“Oh, okay.”

He can sense the nervousness in Zack’s voice now, just from those two little words. And Jack doesn’t blame him. “Yeah, John’s awesome. You two will get along. And Alex’s other friend Rian… Well; I don’t really know him very well yet. But I’m sure you’ll get along with him too. Oh, and Joey! I already told him about you. He’s excited to meet you.”

Jack smiles, remembering all the questions that Joey was asking about Zack. How old he is, where he’s from, where he lives. Joey didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he lives with Jack, but Jack didn’t go into explaining exactly who Zack is to him. Right now he just thinks Zack is a very good friend. Over the next few days, Jack will see if he can maybe try and explain it more to Joey. But for now, it’ll have to stay simple.

“I’m excited to meet him too,” Zack says softly, slipping his hand into Jack’s left pocket. “And um…Alex?”

“Alex…well, we’ll just have to see what happens as we go along, I guess.”

“I hope he likes me.”

“He’d have to be crazy not to.”

-&-

Jack prolongs Alex and Zack meeting as long as he can. He brings Zack straight to the hotel from the airport and by that time it’s already four in the afternoon, so Jack suggested that they take a nap before they go over and see Joey and Alex and John. Zack agreed to it easily, considering he was tired from his flight and he also wanted to take a shower before going over. It was easier than Jack thought it would be.

They end up sleeping until nearly seven. Mainly because Jack turned off Zack’s alarm on his phone but also partly because Zack was exhausted and Jack just wanted to hold him close for awhile. But by the time they woke up and realized how long they slept for, they decided to just order room service and stay in. Besides, they had a long day tomorrow, what with going to Disney and all of that. They have to be at Alex’s by six, drive the three hours, get there by nine and spend the day there. Alex voted against staying the night at a hotel and going home the next afternoon and Jack’s sure that’s because he didn’t want to have to share a room with Jack. But fine. Whatever. Saves Jack money in the long run.

But now, the meeting between Zack and Alex is inevitable, because they’re standing on Alex’s front porch and the sun is barely up and Zack is tugging on his t-shirt, fidgeting beside Jack.

“Stop moving so much,” Jack mumbles, reaching out and putting both hands on Zack’s shoulders from behind him. “There’s nothing to be nervous about.”

Zack turns around in his arms, pouting as he asks, “Are you sure I look okay? I-”

“Zack. You look fine. You look hot. Really fucking hot. Okay?”

“Well that’s adorable,” Comes Alex’s sarcasm-laced words from the now open doorway and Jack feels Zack freeze up under his touch. “Classy.”

“Alex,” Jack says, his eyes giving off the un-voiced warning. “Alex I want you to meet Zack.” He forcefully turns Zack around, keeping his hands tight on his shoulders so that the younger boy knows he’s still there. “Zack this is Alex.”

Alex’s eyes are narrowed and his lips set in a frown as he looks Zack up and down. Zack steps out of Jack’s grip and reaches out, offering his hand to Alex as he says, “H-hi,” and Jack wants to pinch him for being so nervous. “It’s nice finally meeting you. Jack’s told me a lot about you-”

“Oh,” Alex interrupts, eyes moving up to look at Jack. “I’m sure he has.”

It’s then that Jack realizes how un-cooperative Alex is going to be. It’s going to be a really, really long weekend.

-&-

Alex’s rude and unwelcoming behavior throws Zack right back into that little shell that Jack tried so hard to get him out of before they left the hotel. They’re in John’s car, on their way to Orlando and Zack is all but glued to Jack’s side. John is driving, arguing with Rian about something in the front seat. Alex and Joey are in the middle seats, leaving Jack and Zack in the back. Joey is turned around, struggling against his seat belt, talking to Jack about all the rides he wants to go on. Jack is surprised he’s so awake at six thirty in the morning.

“Daddy doesn’t like going on a lot of the rides,” the eight year old explains, his head in his hands as he leans his elbows on the seat. “John went on with me last time.”

Jack smiles, remembering exactly how much Alex really hates theme parks. He’s afraid of heights, gets nauseous easily and most of the time he just stands near the ride’s exit and waits for whoever’s on the ride to get off. When they were together, Jack gave him the title of ‘designated backpack and wallet holder’. Alex didn’t really appreciate that too much.

“Well I’ll go on whatever ride you want to. I like rides,” Jack says, leaning forward and ruffling his son’s hair. “And Zack does too.”

Joey looks over at Zack, who’s smiling nervously, and asks, “Do you like Space Mountain?”

Zack shakes his head, “I don’t know, I’ve never been on it. Is it fun?”

“Yes! You’ve never been on it?!” Joey seems absolutely amazed by Zack’s confession, leaning even further over the seat. Jack catches Alex grab onto the back of his shirt, pulling him backwards slightly. “It’s the best roller coaster ever!”

Zack loosens up a bit, un-sticking himself from Jack’s side as he talks to Joey about all the rides they would have to go on. Joey, horrified by the fact that Zack had never even stepped foot in Disney, pinky-promises him that he’ll show him around. That little promise makes Jack smile, makes him realize that it will naturally be so much easier for Joey to accept Zack than it will be for Alex.

It seems that Alex realizes this at the same time, though. He reaches over and tugs on Joey’s shirt, saying, “Sit down and face forward. It’s not safe to sit in a car like that. You know better.”

Joey pouts but he listens to his father all the same, rolling his eyes as he turns around and sits the correct way. Jack, although pissed off at how immature Alex is being, turns to Zack with a smile, trying to get him to cheer up a bit. And Zack smiles back at him, his eyes a bit brighter than they have been all day. Maybe today won’t be so bad.

-&-

As hard as Alex tries to keep Joey from hanging around Zack too much, he really kind of fails at it and Jack is happy to acknowledge it. He understands, to a certain extent, how Alex must be feeling. When he himself first walked into Alex’s house and realized that John had been living with his family, he didn’t want to think about the fact that Joey might like John more than him. But Alex is taking it too far. It’s not as if Jack is bringing Zack in and trying to replace Alex with him. All he wants is for Zack and Joey to have a decent relationship. Yet Alex can’t seem to accept that.

They’re standing on the line for the line for the Teacup ride and Joey is hanging off of Zack’s arm, jabbering about the last time he was here and he threw up after getting off this ride. Zack is listening, responding at the appropriate times and Jack can feel how tense Alex is from where the older man is standing right beside him.
“You need to calm down,” He says softly, turning his back on his son and his boyfriend. “And I’d really appreciate it if you would stop sending Zack death glares. You’re making him more uncomfortable than he needs to be around you.”

Alex scoffs, “I’m not glaring at him.”

“Yeah, okay. I don’t know exactly what’s going through your head, Alex. And it sucks, because I used to know you like the back of my hand.” Jack holds his hand up just to stress his point, and it turns out to be a bad idea. Alex’s eyes focus on his ring finger, taking in the absence of his ring. Jack can’t read his expression, but he doesn’t like it. “Just…Just get over the fact that I’m dating someone new. You left me Alex. Don’t forget that, because I never did.”

Alex breathes in deep, looks briefly at Zack and Joey before turning back to Jack and saying, “I’m sorry if I’m just slightly overprotective of my son when he’s with someone I don’t even know.”

Jack opens his mouth to respond, but he’s interrupted by John and Rian who both push their way in between Alex and Jack.

“Let’s not do this in the middle of an amusement park, maybe?” John suggests, looking at Jack with pleading eyes and biting his lower lip. “You can talk all you want when you get home tonight. Just stop fighting because eventually Joey’s going to catch on and he’s going to get upset. Today’s supposed to be fun. Can we keep it that way?”

Rian nods in agreement, his hands on Alex’s shoulders, “When we get home, you can fight all you want. I can take Joey somewhere else and you can fucking beat each other up for all I care. Just don’t do this here.”

“Alex started it,” Jack mumbles. He’s not sure, but he thinks that maybe Rian just kind of gave him a sympathetic look. Why Rian would do that, Jack doesn’t know. But he’s pretty sure he didn’t imagine it.

By the time they’re at the very front of the line, both John and Rian are separating Alex and Jack and Joey is still clinging onto Zack’s arm. He looks back at his two parents and points at Zack as he says, “I want to sit next to Zack!”

Jack smiles, observing how comfortable Zack is around Joey now. Without Alex glaring at him and acting as though Zack can’t even go within five feet of him, he’s relaxed and having a good time. He looks up, meeting Jack’s eyes and he smiles brighter than Jack can remember him smiling and Jack feels his heart swell with affection for the younger boy.

-&-

They’re leaving the park when Jack notices it. It’s nearing six o’clock and they’re walking at a leisurely pace towards the parking lots, Jack’s hand tightly laced with Zack’s. Since he got to Florida, and found out about Joey’s illness and how little time he had left, Jack hadn’t noticed anything significantly different about him. Yes, he was thin for his age, but that could have easily been passed off as just a fast metabolism that would eventually catch up with him. But now, on his left arm, there’s a large bruise, black and blue in color. Jack remembers earlier, when they were eating lunch and Joey accidently bumped his arm into one of the chairs. There was barely any force behind it, and it shouldn’t have caused a bruise to form on any normal eight year old.

But Joey’s not a normal eight year old and that bruise is just a symbol of what’s happened to him in the past six months. He bruises at the slightest of contact now. The doctor told Jack that would happen, but it didn’t really register until now, when he’s seeing it right in front of him. It’s gone through his head a million times, but he can’t help but think once more – what would have happened if Alex had just contacted him when Joey was diagnosed all those months ago? Would it be any different?

Probably not, he has to admit to himself. According to Joey’s doctor, they did everything they could. The cancer was just too far along to really be stopped. But, Jack reminds himself, if Alex had told him, Jack would have had more time to spend with his son. That right there is the big difference.

“Hey, Joey,” he says softly, reaching his hand out to the eight year old walking beside him.

Joey looks up, eyes tired but a smile still spread across his face.

“You too tired to walk to the car?” Jack questions, reaching out with his free hand and ruffling his son’s hair. “I can carry you if you are.”

“Okay,” he drags the word out and stops walking, reaching his arms up towards Jack.

Jack pulls his hand from Zack’s, reaches down and easily lifts his son up into his arms. He’s not heavy, but he’s tall for an eight year old, so that makes it a little bit more difficult. But Jack manages, and even if he thought he couldn’t, he’d force himself too. Because he doesn’t want to miss out on an opportunity to hold his son. Especially with so little time left.

Joey falls asleep briefly on the ride home, which takes nearly four hours. There are detours and traffic and other things that just drag the ride out and although John doesn’t really show it too much, Jack knows he’s getting frustrated and really just wants to get home so he can sleep. Once they pull into the driveway, he gets out of the car first, stretches his muscles and then goes to open up the front door.

Rian says goodbye, actually gives Jack a small smile before he walks to his car. He was weird all day. It’s as if he, for some reason, has suddenly just accepted Jack and is going to be nicer to him. But Jack’s not going to get his hopes up yet. Rian could change his mind.

And as far as Alex goes, he’s in an even worse mood than he was at the park. Although he doesn’t outright object, it’s clear that he doesn’t want Zack stepping foot in his house. But, he keeps quiet, heads straight for the kitchen and leaves Jack, Zack, Joey and John in the living room. Through the closed door, Jack can hear him rummaging through a cabinet, bottles clinking and he knows that he’s looking for some form of alcohol.

Alex doesn’t come back out. Jack watches a movie with Joey, Zack sitting right beside him on the couch and John half-asleep in the recliner. He’s a bit surprised that Joey hasn’t passed out yet. It was a long day and he tends to tire a lot more easily than he used to. But he seems to be fading fast now, sitting in-between Zack and Jack and drinking sugar-free lemonade out of a water bottle. His head is leaning against the back of the couch and his eyes aren’t really focusing on the TV anymore. It’s only a matter of time before he passes out.

The most concerning thing, though, is the fact that Alex really hasn’t made much noise since he went into the kitchen a little over an hour ago. Nobody has checked on him and John hasn’t even suggested looking in on him. But for some reason, Jack just wants to make sure he’s alright. He’s seen Alex at his lowest points when they were together; he’s seen what he can do with alcohol in his system. It was never anything good.

“Hey,” Jack whispers, leaning over Joey so that he’s closer to Zack, resting his hand on his arm, “I’m going to go make sure Alex didn’t drown himself in the sink somehow. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay…”

Zack sounds nervous to be left on his own but Jack isn’t concerned. The only person he would have a reason to be concerned about is the one that Jack is going to check on so he’s fine. He can handle himself for a few minutes.

He pushes the swinging door open, walking into the average-sized kitchen and finding Alex sitting at the kitchen table. In front of him is a bottle of vodka. More than half the bottle is empty and Jack wishes he knew how much it was filled this morning. Alex is tracing his finger along the rim of one of the many clear glasses that line the shelves of the cabinets. He’s crying.

“Alex? You okay?” Jack asks softly, not moving.

Alex sighs loudly, doesn’t look up from his glass as he gives a simple, “Yep.”

“I…You sure?”

Jack takes a tentative step towards the table and Alex snaps his head up, his eyes settling on Jack. They’re filled with tears and so much pain that Jack can practically feel it.

“I’m great, Jack,” he says, his lips curling into a small smile. His voice is rough and he sounds broken, looks completely shattered. “Really great. My husband’s in my living room watching a movie with our son and his new boyfriend. Everything’s really great.”

“Don’t do this,” Jack warns, walking even closer and managing to grab the vodka from the table. “You’re drunk and you’ll regret everything you say if you-”

Alex shakes his head quickly, his eyes following the vodka bottle as he interrupts loudly, “I don’t like Zack. I don’t want him in my house.”

“Too bad, because he’s here for the weekend and he’s going to go wherever I go. Get used to it, Alex. You shouldn’t be so upset over it.”

Jack moves to the sink, tipping the bottle over and watching the liquid pour out. It swirls down the drain slowly and Jack makes sure he pours out every last drop. He knows he can’t pour out all of Alex’s alcohol, but he can at least start with this one. Chances are, the older man probably won’t even remember anything in the morning.

But Alex’s next sentence makes Jack wish he’s the one who will be too drunk to remember.

“He’s taking my place,” Alex whimpers. He pushes his chair out and stumbles out of his seat, “You’re replacing me-”

Jack puts the bottle down, the glass hitting the counter loudly and he’s surprised it didn’t crack or shatter. He turns, finding Alex standing there, wringing his fingers together and his cheeks wet with tears. Jack feels bad. More than bad. But he can’t let Alex take advantage of him like this.

“Alex, you’re so obviously in denial about this whole thing! You are the one who left me. You’re the one who moved and took my son and didn’t call me or write me or anything. You broke my heart and left me with this empty space in my life and I was lucky enough to find someone to help me get over it. If you have to have someone to blame for this, then blame yourself. Don’t hate Zack; don’t blame him for anything because he’s the only truly innocent one in this fucking mess!”

“I was scared, Jack, I didn’t think-”

“Scared?! Of what? What could you have possibly been scared of?” Alex opens his mouth to explain further but Jack cuts him off, waving his hands and taking a few more steps towards the door. “No. No, Alex. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to talk to you while you’re wasted.” Jack sighs when he realizes that Alex is still crying. He doesn’t want him to cry. But he doesn’t want to be the one to comfort him, either. “I’m going back to my hotel and I’ll be back tomorrow-”

“No! Jack, I’m sorry-”

“You’re not sorry. You can say it all you want but I won’t believe it.”