It Was Always You

The day after Alex’s drunken confession and Jack’s refusing to listen to him talk, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. It’s not that Jack feels bad about not letting Alex finish talking, not letting him explain himself. It’s just…Okay he feels guilty because even though his brain is telling him it was the right decision, his heart is hurting, telling him he should have stayed and listened. And he hates that he might have made Alex hurt even more than he was.

It doesn’t make much sense, Jack acknowledges, because Alex hurt him so badly so many times over the past two years. So Jack really shouldn’t be feeling bad about this one little instance. But he does and he hates himself for it. He hates that he will always put Alex first somehow, no matter what. He doesn’t want him hurting. He doesn’t want him to be upset. Even though he might deserve it.

Right now, they’re sitting in the hospital waiting room, have been for the past hour. Joey’s doctor suggested weekly checkups, just to make sure he’s doing alright for the condition he’s in. Basically, he’s just making sure Joey’s not in too much pain and can go through his day without being affected too much by his illness. He’s been in with the doctor for about forty five minutes and now they’re just waiting for someone to come talk to them. Jack hates hospitals. He doesn’t want to be here.

“There’s a really good diner down the block, actually,” John is saying from his seat across from Jack, “They seriously have the best fucking pancakes I’ve ever had. You have to try them.”

“Really? Maybe we can go there if everything goes alright…” Zack responds and Jack’s hand forms a fist.

He remains as calm as possible, though. Because really. Even though ever since John opened the door for them that morning he’s been highly suspicious of John’s motives towards Zack, Jack shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions. So what if John is sitting way too close to Zack to be normal? So what if he keeps touching his shoulder? It’s fine. It’s normal. He’s just being friendly.

“You know, there’s this really great ice cream place by our house, too. We need to go there later. You can’t come to Florida without going to it.”

Zack blushes and nods, agreeing to go later that night and it makes Jack’s blood boil. Is he invisible? Has Zack completely forgotten that Jack is here? That Jack is his boyfriend? But before he can say anything, before he can speak up, Alex is punching him in the arm, mumbling that the doctor wants to talk to them in his office.

“Come on,” Alex grunts, avoiding all eye contact, just as he’s been doing all day. “Get up.”

They follow Doctor Cole down three different hallways all on the same floor, Alex right behind him and Jack trailing just a bit farther behind. His brain’s a mess of thoughts right now, ranging from Joey to Alex to Zack and then back to Joey again. If he could turn them all of, he would in a heartbeat.

“Okay so Joey’s just getting his blood taken by one of the nurses right now,” the doctor explains as he sits behind his desk, dropping his folders onto it, “So I figured it’d be a good time to discuss everything.”

“Is he okay?” Alex asks quickly, leaning forward in his seat beside Jack, “Did you find something to help him?”

Doctor Cole sighs and it’s the type of sigh that someone usually gives when they don’t want to tell you the answer to what you’re asking. So any hope that Jack had when he walked in here today is immediately gone, and the way that Alex slumps in his seat tells him his is gone too.

“We gave him a routine checkup – height, weight, blood pressure. All of that. He doesn’t seem to be in any pain right now, but I did see some bruises on his arms which, as you know, is just something that’s going to happen more and more often. We did an eye exam as well and his vision has weakened but not by a substantial amount so we don’t need to worry about that yet. There’s nothing more we can do for him, Alex, and you know that.”

Jack looks at Alex, taking in his defeated expression. “I…Yeah, I know,” the older man responds, blinking quickly to try and make the tears go away before they can fall. “I know. I was just…hoping.”

“I understand. All we can really do is make sure he’s not suffering. Which right now, he isn’t. But we’ll want to make weekly appointments to make sure it stays that way for as long as possible.”

Alex nods, swallowing hard and letting his fingers dig into the fabric of his jeans. He’s struggling for words, and Jack decides to cut him a break and find the words for him.

“What’s going to happen to him, exactly,” Jack interrupts, asking the question he knows Alex can’t bring himself to ask.

“Well, the disease is going to make him weaker. He’ll tire much more easily and eventually it’ll get more and more difficult for him to walk. His immune system, which is already sub-par, will weaken even more and he won’t be able to fight off any sort of sickness he catches. And as difficult as it is to accept, it’ll probably be something as common as a cold.”

“But what if-”

“Keeping away from germs or other people who are sick will not help him, Mr. Barakat,” the doctor says sadly, already knowing what Jack wanted to ask. “This illness can’t be cured at this stage. It can’t be stalled. I told you both before – right now, your jobs are to make him as comfortable as possible.”

That’s it, Jack realizes, sitting in that tiny office. He’s losing his son. He can’t save him, he can’t prevent him from dying. His eight year old is never going to turn nine. He’s never going to go to high school, or college. He won’t get married and he won’t have kids of his own. He’s only going to see eight years of life and that isn’t fair. How could it be, when there are millions of other kids in the world who are going on with their lives, healthy and not caring about how many days they have left?

There are people who have it worse, Jack’s rational side reminds him; there are people who lose newborns. And toddlers. And never get to have any time with them. And he can’t ignore that. He can’t deny it. He’s lucky as much as he doesn’t want to admit it. Joey’s had eight years. And even though Jack hasn’t really spent all of those eight years with him, he’s still lucky to have had any time at all.

“Thank you,” Jack says suddenly, standing up and reaching for the doctor’s hand. “I appreciate everything you’re helping us with, really.”

“It’s my job, Jack. But it’s no problem. I’m going to help you guys through this. It’ll be hard but I’ve seen it been done.”

Jack smiles, looks over at Alex and realizes the older boy isn’t moving. He’s frozen in his seat, staring at his hands and his shoulders are shaking. “Alex. Come on.” Jack grabs onto his arm and pulls him up out of the chair, but he gets no other reaction than a slight sniffle. “Let’s go.”

“Schedule another appointment for a week from now with the front desk,” Doctor Cole calls out as Jack pulls Alex from the room.

“Breathe,” Jack instructs, pushing Alex’s body up against one of the walls in the empty hallway. “Take a deep breath.”

Alex looks at him with wide eyes, doing as he instructs. He lets the breath out, his shoulders slumping forward. “I can’t lose him too,” he whispers, barely audible even in the quiet hallway.

Jack grabs him, pulls him into his body and hugs him tight; telling him it’ll be okay over and over and over. And Jack’s not sure what made him do it, exactly. It might have been because of the little confession Alex made the night before. It might have been the guilt he’s feeling. And it might have been the confusion Jack is feeling towards Zack and John right now. But the most prominent possibility is the fact that they’re both hurting, they’re both about to lose somebody. That somebody providing the only connection they seem to have left. And suddenly it’s so obvious that they’re not ready to let it go.

-&-

“No vanilla is better.”

“Chocolate.”

“Vanilla.”

“You’re ridiculous. Chocolate.”

Jack glares at the open menu on the table in front of him. If he has to sit through this playful banter much longer, he’s going to explode. He gets it – John thinks chocolate ice cream is better and Zack disagrees. No need for a whole fucking argument about it.

“What are you getting?” Joey asks from beside him, his hand grabbing onto Jack’s arm. “Are you gonna get the one you used to always get?”

Jack frowns. He has no idea what he means. “Which one?”

“The vanilla and the chocolate swirled together.”

“Oh,” He mumbles. He doesn’t want to. Because the only reason he used to get that was because he liked chocolate and Alex liked vanilla and they would share. Yeah, no. “I think I’m going to get cookie dough this time.”

It’s not that Jack has an issue with Alex right now. After their little ‘moment’ in the hallway, things have been a bit less awkward and he’s been able to actually make eye contact with the older man without feeling like he was going to burn. The issue right now is actually Zack for once and it’s making him uncomfortable. And maybe Jack is being a bit immature about this whole thing- jumping to conclusions and all - but he doesn’t really care.

In an attempt to somehow remind Zack that he’s still there, Jack slips his hand onto his knee, squeezing lightly. The younger boy pauses, looks away from John and smiles. “Hi,” he says cutely, leaning in and pecking Jack on the lips. “You okay?”

Jack watches Alex, who’s sitting on the other side of Joey. He’s making it a point to ignore everyone else at the table, staring down at his ice cream menu. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

It’s when they’re leaving that he suddenly becomes ‘not okay’. Jack is standing by the door to the small ice cream parlor, watching Joey play one of those claw machines that you have to pay a dollar to use and you will more than likely lose. Alex is paying the bill and then there’s John and Zack, laughing about something that Jack must have missed.

“Man you should visit more often! Come down when Harry Potter comes out! We could see it together,” John says enthusiastically, his hand resting on Zack’s shoulder and that’s just kind of putting Jack completely over the edge.

“Of course you could,” Jack says, interrupting whatever Zack was about to say in response. “That’d be pretty adorable, huh?”

Zack freezes, eyes wide. “What?”

“You and John. You two would be cute together.” He’s being sarcastic now and an all around asshole but he doesn’t care. Today’s been one of the worst days of his life. He thinks he’s entitled to a little bit of bitch-time. “I mean, you’ve been flirting with him all day so I’ve already been able to see how adorable you’d be as a couple.”

“What?” John questions, disbelief coating every word. “Jack what the hell? I wasn’t flirting with him-”

“Jack, I wasn’t,” Zack pleads, moving forward and trying to take Jack’s hand. But Jack moves away. “Jack please! Come on!”

“Let me know when you’ve remembered that you’ve got a boyfriend, alright?” Jack says harshly, his back pushing open the door. “I’m going to get some air. I’ll meet you at Alex’s later.”

He shouldn’t have done that, he realizes after he’s walked for ten minutes. He’s has no idea where he is right now, but he doesn’t care and he continues walking, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, one clutching his cell phone tightly. He shouldn’t have reacted like that. It was childish of him, not to mention rude. And the look on Zack’s face was not worth it. The poor boy looked devastated, all because of Jack. Jack feels awful. Now he’s not only hurt Alex, but Zack as well and all in a time span of less than twenty four hours.

And John. He’s probably pissed John off now. He was rude and made assumptions. John won’t want to talk to him now. Not until he at least apologizes. And Jack’s pretty sure an apology won’t be enough. He’s just…All of this is getting to him. The stress is starting to pile on and it’s wearing him thinner and thinner as the days go by. He tries not to show it. But it is. And there’s not much going on that could help him. There’s nothing happening to help ease the stress. Not even Zack being there can really help, because with that comes the issue of Alex being an asshole to him. Nothing’s easy.

“You’re fucking stupid,” He mumbles to himself as he kicks a rock down the sidewalk, “You’ve fucked up more than you can afford.”

He accused Zack of flirting with another guy without any real grounds to base it off of. Sure, John was a bit touchy. Sure they were laughing and talking way too much for two people who’ve only met two days before. But John’s a friendly person. He likes talking to people and making them feel comfortable. He did it for Jack when he first got here a week ago. And Jack was stupid to assume anything else. And Zack. He would never do anything to hurt Jack. Jack should know that by now. The guy can barely kill a fly in their house. He’s going to have to make it up to the both of them, somehow.

By the time he gets back to Alex’s house, it’s three hours after he stormed off. He sort of got himself lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood and then he eventually found a town with a lot of shops and things, so he spent some time browsing. He tried to find something to buy for Zack that would convey his apologies but he couldn’t find anything that Zack would like. He’s a simple guy. He likes simple things. But for some reason, nothing was good enough and Jack calls a taxi and walks up to Alex’s front door empty handed.

Surprisingly, it’s John who opens up the door for him, wearing a small, sad smile.

“Glad you found your way back. I was gonna get Rian to come with me to look for you,” He says quietly, stepping aside so that Jack can walk in. “Joey’s taking a nap. Today wore him out.”

“Right…Hey, look. I’m sorry about the way I acted before and what I said,” Jack says, trying to get across how sorry he actually is. “What I did…that’s not like me. I don’t know what happened-”

“It’s okay, Jack,” John interrupts, smiling a bit wider. “I understand. You’re going through a lot. There’s no possible way you could be thinking straight. Just…understand that I would never do something like that. I was just trying to be friendly, trying to make up for Alex’s…less than kind reception towards Zack. And besides, I’m not even gay. I don’t like guys. So Zack’s not even my type.” He finishes with a laugh and pats Jack on the back. “It’s all good between us, Jack.”

“I…thanks,” Jack smiles, eyes searching the small living room. It only takes him one glance around to know that the person he’s looking for isn’t in there. “Where’s Zack?”

At that, John’s face falls. “Well…He wasn’t quite as understanding as I was about the situation. I mean, I guess rightfully so, because-”

“Where is he?”

“Airport,” John says, grimacing, “I drove him there about an hour ago. He said he’d call you when he lands at BWI.”

The pressure on his chest that he was feeling before only increases with this new information and his stomach turns. “I…He’s gone?”

“Um. Yeah. Listen, Jack, it’ll all blow over by tomorrow. He’s just upset.”

“But…He-”

“I’m going to make sure Joey’s good upstairs and then I have to go do a few things at work. Why don’t you just chill out down here and try not to think about what happened, alright? Zack will call you when he lands. It’ll all be fine.”

Even though he really just wants to call Zack right now and apologize and beg for his forgiveness, he knows that John is right. So he sits down on the living room couch, frowns at the TV and wonders what the hell he’s going to say to Zack when he calls later. Maybe he should go back home for a few days, spend some time with him. A day or two away from Joey won’t hurt. It would help him get back on his feet and back in the right state of mind. It would definitely help. But at the same time, even though he knows it wouldn’t hurt him, Jack doesn’t want to leave Joey. Not when he has so little time left with him.

So okay that option is no longer available. Maybe he can send him flowers or something nice like that. Although, that kind of just seems a bit…well, not very heartfelt. He needs to do something nice and awesome and something that will have an impact. Flowers don’t really do that. He needs to really think hard about this.

It’s another two hours later that Jack has an encounter with Alex. Instead of Alex being drunk, this time it’s Jack. He found a new, unopened bottle of vodka in the kitchen that Alex must have tried to hide last night (although he did it very poorly). Jack had no issue in cracking it open and drinking straight from the bottle. He still hasn’t’ come up with a way to apologize. He’s screwed.

“You smell like shit,” Alex says indifferently as he sits down on the couch beside Jack. “Maybe that’s why your slut really left.”

“I’m not in the mood for your attempt at humor,” Jack informs him, putting the bottle to his lips and tipping it back. The liquid burns going down. “I’d actually appreciate it if you would remove yourself from my vicinity.”

“I forgot how smart you sound when you’re drunk,” Alex muses, still with a smile. “But really…I uh…I just wanted to say that I um. I’m sorry. About what I said about Zack last night. About not wanting him here.” He twists his fingers into his t-shirt, his awkwardness about the subject shining through.

“Well…Thanks. I guess,” Jack grumbles, leaning more into the couch. “Too bad he’s gone. Just like you wanted, huh Alex?”

Alex sighs, sits up straighter and looks Jack right in the eye. “I feel bad that he’s gone. Sort of. A little bit. I mean...seeing him sobbing in my living room wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it might be.”

Jack frowns, “I’m finding it hard to believe your sincerity.”

“Whatever. I’m sorry he’s gone. You probably feel awful. I don’t blame you for drinking. I couldn’t, really, considering it’s the same thing I was doing last night.”

“That’s true. It’d make you a hypocrite. Except…that thing you said about me replacing you? Right, that was a bit hypocritical.” Jack takes another, longer sip in an attempt to just wipe out everything that happened in the past few days from his memory. It’s not really possible but he can hope. “It’s just…Zack means a lot to me…He’s the sweetest, nicest guy I’ve met in a long time and he cares about me. He cares about how I’m feeling. He cares about my relationship with Joey and, even better, he cares about my relationship with you. He wants me to be happy, Alex. That’s more than I could ever ask for.”

“He sounds…lovely,” Alex says, the sarcasm in his voice only muted slightly.

“I…But you and I…” Jack trails off, looking down at the vodka bottle, “You and Zack are different. He’s selfless and you’re, well…selfish. He’s timid and you’re one of the most outgoing people I know. I love him with all of my heart, Alex. But I loved you with that and so much more. But you left. And I don’t… I don’t –”

“Jack,” Alex interrupts, reaching over and taking the bottle out of Jack’s hands, “Thanks for um. That hug. In the hallway at the hospital. I…” He sighs, struggling to say what he needs to. As if he doesn’t want to say it, because he knows what’s going to happen as a result. But he takes a deep breath, breathes out slowly and then just goes for it. “I needed it. I need you.”

Those three little words – not the typical three words that most people would bend over backwards for – are what causes Jack’s walls to crumble. They were cracked, due to Alex’s confession the night before and the issue with Zack. But now Alex has just admitted that he needs him. He needs Jack. And that’s something Jack will never be able to refuse.

Alex’s bedroom is dark when Jack opens the door, but he doesn’t bother turning the lights on. Alex is gently pushing him inside, hands on his waist and slowly sliding up the front of his shirt.

“Gotta be quiet,” Alex whispers, “Joey’s asleep still.”

“Kay,” Jack manages, pushing the older boy down onto the bed. He doesn’t say it out loud, but it’s been a while since he’s actually had to be quiet in bed. His fingers stumble along the buttons on Alex’s shirt, the alcohol in his system making everything a lot more difficult than it should be. But he eventually manages, slipping the shirt over Alex’s shoulders and shoving it over the side of the bed. He looks down at his husband, seeing him like this for the first time in way too long. Everything else going on in his life is a very, very distant thought in the back of his mind – Zack especially.

“Stop staring,” Alex mutters as he turns his head to the side.

“Can’t help it. You’re beautiful, you know?” Jack leans down, presses his nose against Alex’s cheek. “Almost forgot how beautiful.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Yes.”

Alex moves them along, managing to pull Jack’s shirt over his head and then his jeans down his legs. All of their clothes eventually make it to the floor, scattered in various spots. Alex thinks a shirt might have landed on the lamp but he’ll worry about that and the fire hazards it might cause later.

“How long’s it been?” Jack asks as he rolls the condom on, his eyes staying locked with Alex’s.

“Um. Well,” Alex blushes, covers his face with his hands. It’s the first time since he’s gotten here that Jack has seen Alex this embarrassed.

“Come on,” He encourages, smiling as he situates himself between Alex’s legs, hands resting gently on his hips. “Tell me.”

Alex mumbles something that Jack can’t make out.

“I can’t tell what you’re saying-”

“Two years,” Alex interrupts him, his blush deepening as he wraps his arms around Jack’s neck. “I haven’t slept with anyone other than you.”

For some reason, that surprises Jack. He’s not sure why but he expected Alex to have seen other people – at least one or two. But no. Nobody. “Okay,” He says quietly, trying to keep his surprise to himself. He grabs the lube from where he left it on the table, spreading some on his fingers.

It doesn’t take long before they’re both ready and Jack is leaning on his forearms, hovering over Alex and holding his breath. This. This hasn’t happened for two years. Well…technically it has but it hasn’t happened with Alex. He locks eyes with Alex, looks for a sign of regret of some sort before pushing inside.

It’s been so long and yet everything about this is so fucking familiar. The way Alex gasps as he enters him, arches his back and wraps his legs around his waist. The way his eyelids flutter, his eyelashes brushing against Jack’s neck. The way Jack can feel his heartbeat, pressed right up against his chest. All of these things? He remembers them all.

“Oh, God,” Alex gasps once Jack is all the way in, “M-move, please.”

Jack complies, pulling out slowly and pushing back in at the same pace, trying his best not to hurt him any more than he already is. He knows Alex is trying to hide it. He knows him way too well. But he does his best to let him adjust, to let him get used to this.

“I love you,” Alex whispers suddenly, his arms pulling Jack even closer.

And Jack’s head is so clouded with lust and a million other things, he responds without a second thought, “I love you, too.”

-

By the time their heart rates are back to normal and their skin is no longer damp with sweat, Jack’s mind is clearing up. He’s staring at the ceiling, Alex’s body curled up next to his, clinging to him.

“I need you” Alex had said. He needs Jack.

But the question that runs through Jack’s head is, does Jack still need him?