Stray

Now that I was alone, I could finally cry without regret. I laid there in the dark and sobbed into my pillow. At first, my tears were for my parents, but another, more immediate problem soon overshadowed it. My parents were dead, and there was nothing I could do about that. I'd cried enough over them, and they would've wanted me to move on.

To bad moving on meant switching to what I'd just done to Darren.

Kissing him must have been the most selfish thing I'd ever done. It would've given him hope that I had feelings for him.

It'd given me hope.

No, I couldn't even think of being with him. It was wrong. He was older, and an ex-gangster. He was too emotionally unstable if he was suicidal and depressed, and he was a stalker. Not that he was any of that anymore. . . . But Mom and Dad never would've approved! And Uncle definitely won't—

Who was I kidding?

“Annie?” Darren's voice called loudly through my door, causing my heart to skip a beat.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I didn't want to deal with him. I didn't want him to see me in such a mess, especially when I was in a mess over him.

“Leave me alone!” I shouted back, nearly choking on my own sob in the process. God, I wanted him in here with me more than anything, and yet I didn't. I was so confused.

“You better stop crying, because I made you brownies!” he exclaimed. “Can I come in?”

What he'd said made me pause. That was the first time he'd ever asked permission to come into my room.

“No. . . .” I whimpered, much too quietly for him to hear. I took a deep breath, and indeed I smelled the delicious aroma of freshly baked brownies.

Then I head the lock in my door click as Darren picked it, and the bright light from the hallway blinded me as he came in. I quickly covered myself with my pillow, curling into a tight ball as he walked over. I heard a clink as he set a plate of brownies on my dresser. Their smell hit me like a train. Without removing the pillow from in front of me, I reached out and felt around until my hand hit a brownie. I grabbed it and stuffed it into my mouth. I could safely say that this was the best brownie I'd ever eaten. Darren had really outdone himself this time.

And he'd done it for me.

I quickly took another one, but the moment it entered my mouth, I started crying. It was silent, thank God, but I could feel tears dripping from my eyes. Darren didn't say a word and I couldn't see him, but I could sense that he was still there. I couldn't decide whether his presence comforted me or made me more anxious.

“I got an A on my biology test,” I murmured, wanting to say something to him. “I forgot to tell you.”

“You did?” Darren sounded so happy that it made me smile. I hugged my pillow tighter. “Annie, I'm so proud of you! High five!” He nudged my hand with his until I let go of my pillow and held out my hand. Darren high-fived it, and my smile widened.

I peeked out over the top of my pillow and nearly gasped with shock when I saw Darren crouched right next to me, grinning. Our gazes locked, and his eyes lit up so much that I started beaming. My pillow hid my mouth, but I felt like Darren could see my happiness in my eyes.

“For my awesome tutoring, you owe me either cash or sex,” he announced. “Time to pay up, Annie!”

I started laughing, and it became almost impossible to stop when Darren laughed, too. It was too embarrassing to admit that he was actually making me feel better, especially with his vulgar jokes, and I quickly rolled over so my back was to him.

“What do you want for dinner?” he asked, not caring that I was trying to give him the cold shoulder. “I'll make anything you want.”

“Spaghetti,” I said immediately. I guess my love for his food was too much for my stubbornness.

“Alright.” His voice sounded warm, endearing.

“Don't you have to study?” I asked. My pillow muffled my words, but Darren still seemed to hear.

“You're more important.”

I shot up, finally lowering my pillow as I gaped. No, no, no! This was what I'd been afraid of. I didn't want him to think . . .

I whipped my pillow at him. “Shut up, Darren!” I shouted, breathing hard to keep from bursting into tears again. He bent down to pick up my pillow, and he set it next to me. His expression was sad.

“Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I'll stop.” He headed for the door, and before walking out, he turned back to me. “I'll call you when dinner's ready. Don't eat too many brownies right now or you'll spoil your appetite, okay?” He seemed to be forcing the smile on his face. My stomach churned.

After he left, the darkness in my room started suffocating me. I'd hurt his feelings.

I let my gaze roll around the room, and I spied his chemistry book on the floor next to my bed. He'd need that to study. It took a lot of motivation to get myself off my bed and into Darren's room with his book. I flipped on the light when I entered, and set the book on his bed. I was about to leave, but I saw that his dresser drawer was open with clothes half-hanging out of it. My inner neat-freak took over, and I pulled out a shirt to refold it, but I'd uncovered something Darren had hidden under it.

His gun.

I threw aside his shirt, my eyes locked to the weapon. Why . . . ? Why did he still have this? He'd told me that he found it again, but seeing it right in front of me reminded me of how we'd met. What he'd been about to do. Just the thought made my mouth go dry.

I don't know why I was so stupid to pick it up, but I did, and chills ran down my spine as I felt the weight of the cold metal. This thing looked so evil, so corrupt—

“What are you doing?” Darren's horror-struck voice sounded from the doorway. It startled me so much that I nearly dropped the gun. I turned to face him, gripping the weapon with both hands.

“Why do you still have this?”

“Give it back, Annie!” he exclaimed. He came forward and tried to take it from me, but I held it behind my back and moved away from him.

“Throw it away,” I said in a low, serious voice.

“I need it! Rizzo might—”

“Promise me.” My voice shook, and I felt hollow holding onto this vile thing. I wanted to get it out of my hands as quickly as I could, but I didn't want Darren to take it.

“What?” he asked, his eyes revealed the terror in him as he saw me with his gun.

“Promise me that you won't kill yourself.”

Darren didn't say anything for a long moment, but then he smiled, though his eyes looked miserable. “Only if you let me do this,” he said, taking a step toward me.

I tried to run, but my back hit the wall. I was cornered.

Darren grabbed my shoulders, holding me me to the wall as he kissed me so hard that my mind went blank. The gun fell from my hands. It was unbelievable how good he made me feel, but . . .

I couldn't. . . .

I tried shoving him away, but he let go of my shoulders to grab my wrists and pin my arms to my sides. He kissed me once more, swiftly, before pulling his mouth away.

“What would you do if I died?” he asked, putting his lips right next to my ear. “Would you be sad?”

I shivered from being so close to him, but I couldn't move. He was too strong.

“You're not thinking . . .” I said in a scared whisper. Before I could finish the thought, Darren kissed me again. This was getting too intimate. These kisses weren't playful anymore. I squirmed, but he held me firmly.

“Not unless you want me to, Annie.”

“I don't, but if you keep kissing me like that—”

He kissed me one more time, but I jerked my head to the side. “Darren!” I shouted, my lips feeling so cold and numb the moment they pulled away from his.

“Now I can die happy,” Darren said, a smirk on his lips. But his eyes were so sad. He looked almost as hopeless as he had when I'd seen him in the alley with a gun to his head.

“I don't want you to die, god dammit!” I couldn't help being terrified. What if he was really reverting back to that Darren again? I couldn't let him go back to that dark place again.

“Why?” he asked.

That single word made all my fears come true. He looked exactly like that old Darren. The suicidal Darren.

“What the hell do you want from me?” I growled, angry tears springing to my eyes. It was my fault he was back to this again. All my fault. . . . Because I'd let my emotions get the better of me.

Darren looked away. “I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.” He let go of my arms. It was his way of giving up, of letting me go.

I wasn't about to leave that easily.

“Why do you still want to die? I thought you were fine? What happened?” I think I knew what had happened, but it was still a shock to hear it from his own mouth.

He smiled. “I fell in love with you.”

I'd figured he had feelings for me, but . . . love? He loved me?

“Don't look at me like that, Annie. You know it's true.”

“B-But—” It didn't make sense. How could he love me? What had I ever done that was lovable?

“I just want you to be happy. That can't happen if I'm in your life, can it? Everything I come in contact with goes to hell. Why would it be any different with you?”

Those words left me dumbstruck, and any reply I'd been wanting to say got lodged in my throat. Darren looked completely helpless, like he didn't know what to do, what else to say. He finally decided on taking my hands in his. I was so confused at what I was feeling that I didn't fight him.

“Do you want me to live?” he asked.

“I keep telling you that's not my damn decision!”

“I'm making you unhappy.”

“Of course you are if you talk like that!”

As I stared him down, he seemed to give up, and he let go of my hands. He moved next to me and leaned against the wall.

“Annie . . . I don't know what to do anymore. The sadness—it keeps coming back.”

I took a breath and turned to face him. This time, I was the one to pin his shoulders to the wall. “You are going to go downstairs and eat a big bowl of ice cream, and then you're going to go to bed. Tomorrow, you'll wake up and go to class and ace your orgo exam. Then you'll go on to graduate and get your Ph.D and become a world famous archeologist!”

That got a smile out of him. “And where do you fit into this master plan of yours?” he asked.

“I'll be your annoying landlady that'll overchage you for rent.”

Darren cracked a grin and started laughing, making me chuckle when it became contagious. “God, I love you so much, Annie.”

That frightened me, so I slapped him clean across the face.

“Ow. . . .”

I hit him again, not knowing any way else to channel this chilling fear. He loved me. . . . What would that possibly do to our friendship? It could only destroy it. No! I didn't want that! I didn't want it to be awkward between us. It was already bad enough when he kissed me all the time, but now that I knew there was actually something behind it, actual love . . .

“Ow! Hey, okay, okay! Stop! I won't say it again! Annie—”

I lowered my hand, which was tingling from slapping him so many times in a row. His cheek had turned bright red from my assault.

“J-Just go eat your ice cream!” I shouted, backing away from him.

“Do you want some—”

“No!”

For the second time that day, I ran from him and locked myself in my room.

My stalker was in love with me. Now what was I supposed to do?