You'll See the Ash of Every Love That Ever Was

“Hi Rian.” Zack murmurs, blushing furiously.

“Hi Zack.” Rian mumbles back, his cheeks turning a dark shade of pink.

Jack and Alex give each other side ways looks and roll their eyes in unison at the two boys in front of them.

Zack clasps his books to his chest tightly, looking down at his flawless shoes. Alex swears that he cares about his shoes more than Rian. Zack always protests and smacks Alex in reply.

Rian has his hand on the back of his neck awkwardly looking at anyone and everything but Zack.

Everyone knows that the two have major crushes on each other, but they both are too shy to do anything. Zack tells Alex not to interfere. He wants Rian to tell him that he likes him on his own. Alex’s soft side goes all mushy, and for Zack’s sake he does nothing but sits back and waits. Rian tells Jack if he interferes, he’ll beat him senseless. Jack runs to Alex for protection and whines and bitches.

“What do you guys want to do today?” Jack announces very loudly and very obnoxiously after a moment of intense, awkward silence. “How about we go to the arcade? There’s the new Time Crisis 3 that they just got, and I have to beat it.”

“Like all the rest of them?” snorts Alex.

Jack pouts. “I like them. So shut up.”

“Awh, I’m just teasing you.” Alex grins, giving a sideways hug to his boyfriend. “Okay. How about you two? Up for video games?”

Zack shrugs. “I’ll go wherever.”

“Me too.” Rian says quickly.

Jack’s eyebrows shoot way up past his fringe, and he looks eagerly back and forth at them and Rian scowls. Zack quickly bends down and drops his books on the ground, tying his shoes hastily. Alex knows he’s trying to cover his blush and he glares at Jack. Jack throws his arms up in surrender and starts for the arcade, leaving the other three boys. Alex bends down and grabs Zack’s right arm, yanking him up.

“Let’s go.” He mutters.

Rian trails after them.

~

“THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER. THAT’S NOT FAIR IF HE GETS SOME GIANT ASS GUN AND I JUST GET A PUNY GRENADE LAUNCHER THAT HAS FOUR GRENADES.” Jack screams at the arcade machine, flailing his arms about, waving the plastic gun around, narrowly missing Rian’s head. Rian ducks quickly, grabbing Jack’s arm.

“Hey man. Calm down dude. It’s just a video game.”

“THAT WAS MY LAST DOLLAR.” Jack hollers.

“Alex, come get your crazy boyfriend before he breaks the fucking machine.” Rian calls out. Alex looks down at his Whack-A-Mole game that he’s playing with Zack before sighing.

“Sorry Zacky.” He grumbles, jerking his head towards his red-faced, angry boyfriend who’s scowling at the machine as if it’s committed some malicious act towards him.

Zack giggles slightly, nodding. “It’s okay. Just go get him. I don’t want to help pay for a thousand dollar machine.”

Alex grins and gives the youngest boy a sideways hug before running off to his boyfriend.

When Alex makes his way over to Jack, he says quickly, “Go over to Zack and make sure he’s okay. I don’t want him to be lonely or anything.” Before grabbing Jack’s hands and gently puts the gun down. “Calm down babe. It’s just a video game. I have an extra dollar. Okay? You can have it to play. I know you can beat it.” Jack squeals and hugs Alex around the middle quickly before stuffing the dollar bill into the machine.

Rian, now red in the face, walks slowly over to Zack.

The boy is standing in front of the Whack-A-Mole machine, a squeaky hammer in his hand, staring at the screen, bewildered about what to do. He feels so silly holding the toy hammer, and he wants to put it down. But he likes the game, as childish as it may be. However, without Alex, it just seems plain stupid. He cheeks go red and he puts the hammer down.

Rian looks at Zack, standing next to the machine, holding the toy hammer, and frankly, he looks absolutely adorable. So adorable in fact, that Rian could kiss him right then and there. This eighteen year old boy is playing Whack-A-Mole. How much cuter can he get? And then Zack puts down the hammer and looks up at Rian. He cheeks flair up even more and Rian can’t help but think that if he took a needle and poked his cheek, Zack’s head would miraculously explode.

“H-hi Rian.” Zack whispers, looking wide-eyed at the eldest boy.

“H-hey. Uhm. Alex wanted m-me to keep you company and… yeah…” Rian says lamely, scratching his arm.

“Oh. Uhm. I’m okay. I guess. I probably looked ridiculous playing that game.” He smiles shyly, pointing at the yellow machine beside him.

“I-I dunno. You looked pretty… adorable to me.” Rian mumbles. He doesn’t even know what on earth possessed him to say such a thing, and so he looks up at Zack, horrified and wonders what Zack will say. He pinches the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut. Honestly, he doesn’t know what to expect. A slap? A punch?

A kiss?

Yeah right Robert Rian Dawson. You fucking wish.

Zack bites his lower lip to suppress a shy smile and looks back at his feet, suddenly finding the penny on the ground incredibly interesting. “T-thanks… I think.”

An awkward silence settles between the two. The sounds of the arcade fill the space between them though, so it’s not as awkward, but the tension is like a large, thick, wool blanket covering them on a hot summer day.

Rian tugs on his collar. Beads of sweat run down his neck. A little boy runs, screaming past them.

Zack shuffles his feet. The hair on the back of his neck prickles and stands on end.

Rian is waiting for Zack to crack.

Zack is waiting for Rian to crack.

“Rian, I li-“

“HEY GUYS. LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MOTHERBITCHER. I BEAT THAT THING’S ASS INTO OBLIVION.”

Zack bites down on his tongue hard. He can’t even believe he almost let it slip. He almost made a fool out of himself.

Alex realizes what happens and punches Jack in the gut. Jack doubles over and wheezes. “‘Lex, what the fuck man!?” Alex glares and jerks his head, oh-so-non-obviously. Jack’s eyes widen and he whines. “Goddammit.” He mumbles. Alex rolls his eyes.

Rian glares a hole into Jack’s head.

~

Today is the day Zack is going to tell Rian that he likes him, and then he’s going to ask him if he wants to go to Prom with him on Saturday. It’s a bit late, but better late than never, right?

“Hi Zack.” Rian says softly.

“Hi Ri-“

“Hey Rian.”

Zack jolts, startled. He definitely didn’t say that. Nor did he purr anything like a whore. His head jerks up and he sees Cassadee Pope, leaning against Rian’s locker, smirking. Zack wants to vomit.

“Er, hey Cass.”

“So Prom is coming up next week. Do you have a date yet?”

“Uh, no. Not ye-“

“Do you want to go with me?”

Zack curses quietly.

He wanted to ask Rian to Prom.

“Well, I-“

“Great. See you Saturday. Pick me up at six, okay? Bye.” She grins, kisses his cheek before walking off, swinging her hips and grinning.

She just got a date with Zack’s crush since the eighth grade.

Senior year sucks.

Zack concludes, scowling at the ground.

Zack feels like running up to her and slamming his heavy Economics book into the back of her head and yanking her fake blonde highlights out of her hair. Instead he forces a smile at Rian.

“Looks like you’ve got yourself a date.” He jokes quietly.

Rian huffs, exhaling out of his nose. “What the fuck was that? I didn’t even agree to going with her. What a stupid bitch.” He spits, slamming his locker shut. Zack doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

He presses his lips into a thin line before giving Rian a weak smile and walks with Rian to Econ.

~

“Come on Zack. Let’s go. Please? It’s not going to be very fun without you. Alex wants you to come too.” Jack pleads, taking his best friend’s hand in his, trying to yank him up. Zack sits on his bed, a tub of ice-cream in his hands and a 2 liter bottle of soda sitting beside him. His cheeks are red and his eyes are bloodshot and puffy.

It’s Saturday, and it looks like Zack’s been crying.

A lot.

And he has. It didn’t really occur to him to do anything until Alex had texted him about Prom. He told him that he would pick him and Jack up from his house at six thirty. That’s when it hit him, and Zack’s been crying ever since ten in the morning. It’s now five in the afternoon. Prom starts at seven.

Zack is so not ready.

Jack Barakat however, is dressed smartly in a nice blue dress shirt, a dark vest, and dark pants with a pretty white tie. He looks fantastic. Unlike Zack, in his sweatpants and wife-beater, one sock on, one sock off.

Tissues surround him and there’s some stupid sappy love movie playing on his laptop.

“Rian’s going to be there. With Cassadee. They’re going to dance to a slow song. And she’s going to kiss him, and he’s going to kiss her back.” He says miserably, stuffing another scoop of ice-cream in his mouth.

Jack feels his heart break. He sits down next to Zack and hugs his friend. “Oh Zack. Don’t even think about him tonight. Me and Alex are going to be your dates to Prom. Okay?”

“You guys are dating. You’ll want to dance to a slow song. Alone.” he emphasizes, taking a swig of soda as if it were a brandy or a beer. “Have you seen that Geico commercial? The one where the guys asks, “Can three people tango?”. Yeah, well, three people can’t. Sorry. I’ll just be a third wheel. And I don’t want that. You guys deserve a special night.”

Jack snorts. “Zacky. I’m not going to let you sit here and wallow in your own self pity. This is senior year. I want you to have fun. And you will not be a third wheel. Me and Alex love you. You know that.”

“I’m not going. He doesn’t want me.” Zack mumbles dejectedly.

~

Rian is fixing his tie in the mirror, scowling at himself.

He’s so angry with himself.

He wishes that he had just flat out said no to Cassadee. He wishes that he told Zack that he loved him and wanted to be with him.

But he didn’t.

So instead, he’s going to Prom with the girl of his nightmares, and he’s going to have a shit time because the one person he wants to be with won’t be there with him. And he can’t even hang out with Alex and Jack because they’ll just be scowling at him the entire night.

Rian grabs his phone and types out a quick message to Zack.

u gonna go 2nite?

He almost gets an immediate reply.

no

why not?

b/c. i have no date. no 1 wants 2 go out with a loser lyk me

Rian sits down on his bed and begins to cry.

~

“Rian! You have to go now! It’s six and you have to pick up Cassadee!” Rian hears his mum scream.

Rian sniffles and wipes his nose, fanning his face, trying to get the blotchy-ness out of it. Then he stumbles downstairs and kisses his mum goodbye.

“Don’t be late. And I’m going to want to meet this girl later.” She winks.

Rian groans and walks out the door, getting into his car, and driving to the Pope residence. No, not The Pope, as in the old man that waves from the door of the Vatican on Easter and Christmas; he drives to Cassadee Pope’s house. On his way, he wishes that he would just get into a car accident so he won’t have to go with her.

But much to his dismay, he makes it to her house all in one piece.

He pulls up the driveway, and slowly gets out, dragging his dress shoes clad feet to the front door, and rings the doorbell. The door flings open a minute later, and a little boy with chocolate smeared on his right cheek stares up at him with wide eyes.

“Who are you?” he asks.

Rian shifts uncomfortably. “Uh, Rian. I’m here to pick up your… sister?”

“I don’t have a sister.”

“Uhhh…”

“You mean my cousin? She’s getting all fancy for some guy. Are you him?”

“Er, I guess so.”

“You don’t seem as excited as her.”

“Because I’m not.”

“Oh… CASSADEE.” The boy shrieks suddenly. Rian jumps, his brain rattling around his head. The sound of high heels clatter, and then Cassadee is flying down the stairs.

“Rian!” she grins, throwing her arms around him. Her perfume is like the gas that toxic waste factories produce. But other than that, Rian reckons that she looks alright for a girl.

“Hey. My mom wants to take pictures first.”

Rian grimaces. “We can’t. We have to go now.” He mumbles, yanking her out the door and to his car. She stutters in surprise, but follows anyways, yelling a “Bye mum, see you later.”

He drives to the hotel where Prom is to take place silently, Cassadee chatting her head off about some stupid gossip she had heard yesterday at school. He ignores it, and thankfully, she thinks he’s listening.

~

Somehow, miraculously, when Alex arrives at the Merrick household, Zack is dressed, and ready to go to prom, but on Jack’s lap, Jack hugging him from behind. Alex looks at them funny, but he knows better when he sees the mess on Zack’s bed, and the DVD box of 500 Days Of Summer sitting on the pillow.

He smiles gently at Jack, before taking Zack’s hand, and then his own boyfriend’s, and leads them downstairs.

Mrs. Merrick is sitting on the sofa with Mr. Merrick, watching television. She looks up at the three boys coming down the stairs.

“Oh you three look absolutely lovely… where’s… Rian?” she asks, cocking her head to the side.

Zack’s lip trembles, and Jack shakes his head quickly at her. She frowns, but nods and gets up.

“Oh. Well… Let’s take a picture of you three. You guys look absolutely brilliant. First Jack and Alex.” She smiles at the two boys. Jack grins and lets of Zack for a second, kissing his nose, and walks over to the lobby area. Alex walks over too and puts his arms around Jack, kissing his cheek. Mrs. Merrick giggles and snaps a picture before tugging her son over. “Now all three. I want a big smile. A big smile Zack.” She says. Zack frowns at his mother.

Mr. Merrick gets quietly, and stands behind Mrs. Merrick and thrusts his pelvis obscenely towards her. Alex groans and Jack pretends to throw up. A small smile forms on Zack’s lips and he rolls his eyes.

Mrs. Merrick takes the picture and then turns around and looks sternly at Mr. Merrick in the middle of a thrust. His eyes go wide and he grins sheepishly at her.

She rolls his eyes and smacks the back of his head. He chuckles and all five of them laugh.

“You guys best be on your way. Don’t want you to be late.” Mr. Merrick grins.

~

The inside of the ballroom is remarkably dark, and Zack can barely see the back of Jack’s head. The inside is already packed with hundreds of kids grinding, dancing, and screaming inside. He feels uncomfortable, and he wishes that Rian was with him.

Alex has a tight grip on both Jack and Zack’s hand. He doesn’t want to lose them.

He makes his way through the crowd, and then stops. There, is Rian dancing with Cassadee. He doesn’t seem to happy, but he’s not pulling away either while she grinds on him. Alex’s eyes go large, and he quickly goes the other direction. He hopes that Zack doesn’t see them.

~

Too late.

Zack has seen Rian and Cassadee.

He yanks his hand away from Alex’s and runs to the boy’s bathroom.

No matter how hard Alex and Jack come and try to persuade him to come out of the handicapped stall, he won’t budge from the wall to unlock the door. He leans against the dirty, graffitied wall with obscene pictures of breasts and penises, and cries quietly, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Jack runs off to find more people to help and get Zack out of the stall.

John O’Callaghan grabs Kennedy Brock’s hand and practically runs to the bathroom. Paul Digiovanni and Martin Johnson pull away from their groping session in the corner of the room and barrel through the dancing people, using their shoulders to push people away, tucking their shirts back in their pants on the way. Pat Kirch and Garrett Nicklesen trip over people, scrambling to get to Zack. Kyle Burns and Caleb Turman immediately break away from their slow dance to come and help their friend. Kyle stands on his tip toes and sees Zack. “Come on Zack. Please come out. I’ll dance with you, you know.” He says, pouting.

Zack shakes his head ‘no’ and continues to cry. Caleb frowns. He hates seeing his friend like this.

So he goes to drastic measures and gets down on the ground, and crawls under the stall.

“G-get o-out.” Zack hiccups, moving away from Caleb.

The ginger frowns and stands up, dusting himself off and walks over, hugging Zack tightly. Zack struggles, for a moment, but Caleb knows that all Zack needs is a hug right now. Maybe not from him, but he definitely needs a hug. For a few seconds, Zack tries to pry himself from Caleb, but then he finally breaks down and cries into Caleb’s neck. Caleb hugs him and reaches over and opens the latch to the stall. Boys pour in, and surround the two, all of them surrounding them into a group hug.

It’s like a giant orgy of gay boys in the handicapped stall, except there’s no sex involved.

This is what Zack needs. His friends.

~

Rian sees at least six boys run to the restroom. All of them are his friends. He can’t help but think, “What’s wrong?”

So he pulls away from Cassadee’s lecherous arms and stumbles to the restroom.

He sees the boys in the handicapped stall, all surrounding someone. They’re hugging each other; all of them are singing different songs quietly. All of the songs are soothing, sweet songs.

Rian’s eyes widen, and he struggles, shoving his way past the circle until he finally gets to the middle. And in the middle is a teary-eyed teenage boy, crying softly and hugging Caleb very tightly.

“Holy fuck. Zack, what the fuck happened? Are you okay?” he quickly asks, grabbing Zack. Zack whimpers and pulls away from him.

“Go away. I don’t want to see you.” he sniffles, burying his face in Caleb’s chest.

“If this is about Cassadee, Zack, you’re being a fucking dumbass.”

Zack gasps.

Rian never talks to him that way.

“I don’t want to be with her obviously. I hate her. She’s stupid and retarded, and I don’t ever want to see her again. This game is getting ridiculous, Zack. That’s it. I’m going to flat out say it. I’m in freaking love with you, and I’m too stupid to say it because the only good thing in my life is you, and I don’t want to lose you. Not asking you to prom was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, because if I did, you wouldn’t be this miserable, sniffling mess. It’s my fault I hurt you, and I’m so fucking sorry.”

Zack stares at Rian, dazed.

He could only focus on, I’m in freaking love with you, and I’m too stupid to say it because the only good thing in my life is you.

Not a word is said in the restroom. The only sound is the gentle beat from outside of the restroom door. Everyone is holding their breaths, staring at Zack, waiting for him to say something.

He opens his mouth, and everyone sucks in their breaths, holding it.

“Y-you love me?”

Rian bites his lower lip.

“Oh Zack. I always have. I thought you knew that.”

He moves closer to Zack, and holds the younger boy in his arms. Zack holds his breath and looks into Rian’s eyes, searching for sincerity and honesty.

“Maybe I was just being stupid.” Zack mumbles softly.

“Maybe we were both being stupid.” Rian grins, pressing a kiss on Zack’s cheek.

“You missed.” Zack whispers, shyly.

“What?”

“You missed.” Zack grins softly, leaning up and pressing a tentative kiss on Rian’s lips. Rian smiles against Zack’s soft lips, and kisses him back, gripping his waist. They’re kissing for a good two minutes before they pull away breathlessly. The boys around them grin and “awh”.

Rian laughs and gives Zack a couple more small pecks on the lips. Zack grins back and gives Rian Eskimo kisses in return.

Maybe senior year isn’t so bad after all.