We're Not Perfect

Fast forward a few days…

The band and I had spent the day watching movies. Whenever I got up, Max was reluctant to let me go, and pulled me eagerly into his lap when I returned. Not that I minded; I felt safe with Max.

It was getting late, and I had to get ready for my night. “I have to go tonight,” I whispered in Max’s ear.

“Do you have to?” he whined, hugging me tighter. I wanted to stay so badly, but I couldn’t call off. Johnson already had two groups cancel their shows tonight, and he’d had trouble getting replacements. I knew I knew I couldn’t leave Johnson scrambling to replace me a few hours from show time. And I had another meeting with Tony.

Max finally let me go, and I got ready in my room. On my way out, I stopped to hug the guys; I trusted Monte and Robert now, but not as much as I did Craig and Max, but I doubted I ever would. Max pulled me in close as we kissed. He pulled me in to the hall when the guys made gagging noises.

“I want to go with you,” Max said.

I looked away, not allowing him to see the fear and pain in my eyes. I couldn’t let Max know about Tony or my addiction. He already knew about the cutting, and had been helping me with that. I’d promised myself I’d get clean though, so there was no need for Max to know anything.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I replied quickly. “It’s just, tonight’s not a good night.”

“Ok,” he said, pulling me into another kiss. How was he able to make me forget everything but the two of us so quickly? “Now go, before you’re late.” Max spun me around so my back was to him, and he wrapped his arms around my waist again as we walked to the door. “Be careful,” he said.

When I got to the club, the first band was setting up. I waved to them as I made my way to the bar. Taking the bottle from the bartender, I made my way backstage to decide what I was playing tonight. As I looked over the choices, I heard Johnson coming down the hall.

“Rylii! Just who I needed,” he said, flustered. “We’ve got a band that wants to perform, but they don’t have a singer.”

“Let me hear them, and if I like them, they can go up with me,” I said. Johnson just nodded, leading the way. I hoped they were good.

There were three guys, a bass, two acoustics, and a drummer. And they all seemed to have their own instruments. I had them play parts of a few different songs with different styles so I could get a good feel for their abilities. I was impressed. We introduced ourselves. Blake was on bass, Jason and Sam on acoustics, and Aaron on drums. Blake even seemed to do a little backup vocals, and some screaming.

We didn’t have long before we went onstage, so we decided to perform the songs they’d just done. The audience seemed to approve of the band, as they applauded louder than usual when we were done.

“That was fucking amazing!” Blake shouted as we got backstage. I led the guys to a room where they could store their things and I told them when I performed. Aaron was the first to agree to perform with me on a regular basis, and the others weren’t far behind. I left them there talking amongst themselves so I could find Tony. There’s no way to express how much I dreaded this meeting, but I knew I had to go.

I was wandering the empty hallways when I was grabbed roughly and pulled into a nearby room. “Where the fuck have you been?” Tony shouted as soon as the door was shut. He locked it behind him before coming closer to me. I backed to the wall, pressing myself against it.

“I’ve been with my boyfriend,” I whispered.

“So the little druggie has a boyfriend,” Tony leered at me. I winced at the druggie reference; I’d been there once, and never wanted to go back, a pill-popper was bad, but a full druggie was worse. Tony noticed as he continued. “You’re not a druggie yet, but you will be. Now, I’ll just have to make sure I don’t leave any marks where he’d see them. This way, I’m the only one fucking you.”

“Please, Tony, I have money tonight,” I pleaded, tears falling. I couldn’t do this again.

“Please, just take the money; there are plenty of women that want you.”

He seemed to be considering my offer when he reached out and punched me in the stomach. “You know what to do,” he said, glaring at me. I sighed and undressed, letting Tony have his way. It was as bad as usual, but Tony did keep his promise to only hurt me in places it could be hidden easily. This time however, Tony threw the bag of pills at me before leaving me alone in the room; usually, I was shoved out into the hall to leave him alone.
I didn’t want to stay here any longer than I had to, so I slowly made my way home. Max was waiting up for me again, and he stood as I passed through the living room on the way to my room. I pulled away from him, not looking at him.

“Ry, what’s wrong? Did I do something?” he asked, following me.

“No, you didn’t do anything,” I said. “I just want to be left alone tonight.” I hated doing this to Max, but I couldn’t let him hold me, feeling me flinch every time he touched a new bruise. I could tell I’d hurt him when he told me he’d be in his room if I needed anything. I leaned against the back of my door as I listened to him turn off the tv and go upstairs.

I took a shower and changed into something clean before sitting on my bed, thinking about the night. I had an amazing band to work with, but then there was Tony. How was I going to tell him I was getting clean? What would he do to me? The images circled in my mind, getting worse by the minute. Before I knew what I was doing, I was in the bathroom, a broken razor by my side, hot red blood flowing down my arms.

I couldn’t do this again. I’d managed to go days without cutting myself once; I had to keep going, I couldn’t stop. But I’d already started again. Max. I had to get Max. He’d help me.

I ran upstairs and slipped into Max’s room. It was dark, but I knew where his bed was. I couldn't get the sharp metallic scent out of my nose long enough to smell Max’s cologne. “Max?” I called softly. “Max, please wake up.”

I could hear the sheets rustle as he rolled over. “Rylii, are you ok?” he asked. I shook my head, forgetting he couldn’t see me in the dark. I hadn’t realized I was crying until I sob escaped. “Ry, what’s wrong?” He reached out and managed to find my hands. He bolted up when he felt the still-flowing blood. “Come on,” he said gently, getting up and leading me to the bathroom. I let him wash my arms and lead me back to his room. I curled up next to him on the bed, still crying. Max held me, whispering softly to me, trying to get me to calm down.

“I’m sorry,” I finally got out. “I want to tell you so badly, but I can’t; I can’t let you know about this.”

Max froze. “I can’t know about what?”

“You don’t need to know about this. I’m fixing the problem myself,” I said.

“Ry, tell me. You can tell me anything, I promise.” I shook my head. “I won’t judge you, or see you differently. I’ve done things in the past that I’m not proud of.”

“Not now. I can’t tell you now. But I will soon,” I said. Max made me promise before pulling me as close to him as possible. He kissed me softly before we fell asleep.