You Are so Beautiful

Everything has been hard lately, and I couldn’t tell anyone how I was feeling. I was afraid that they would tell me to drop it or lash out on me and try to hurt me. Maybe I’m just being paranoid… but I don’t know anything anymore.

Ever since I left my hometown, I’ve been feeling empty. I have to admit that I miss… him… Ryan. How can I not? I was with him for so long. I woke up next to him when he didn’t punish me the day before. Now I wake up alone, and I don’t even see him anymore. I can’t call him or send him a letter because everyone would hate me if I did. Maybe… I love him… maybe their just second thoughts.

How would Chartreuse and December acted if I told them? They would probably tell me that, he’s not good enough for me and I should stop caring about him. They wouldn’t understand. Sure, I’ve been trying to block these feelings out of my head, since I watched Ryan walking away with the security guard at the hospital.

Why won’t these thoughts go away? Why do they keep coming back into my head? Why can’t I just go through just one… just one day where Ryan doesn’t pop in my head? Its impossible.

Could I ever actually go back to man who hurt me? Could I ever even be welcomed back by him? Would he open his arms up for me to run in and then whisper in my ear about how much he cares about me? How would I know? Maybe he changed just for me… or maybe not.

I never understood why he started hurting me, and he never told me. Its one question that was left unanswered. I’m not sure if there will ever be an answer.

“Chartreuse! Get down from that! Your going to break it! I’m already trying to repair the place, your not helping!” December shouted from somewhere in the house.

“But, DC… I’ve always wanted to swing on a chandler.” Chartreuse whined.

“Fine, you can pay for a new one.” December said.

“I’ll get down… what’s that?!” Chartreuse yelled excitedly.

“Put that down too! That is not a toy!”

The two sounded like a married coupled. I couldn’t help, but giggle. I guess someone couldn’t let go of the drugs.

Chartreuse has been really nice to me lately… of course he’s always nice to me. I met him through Mark, and he’s been a pretty good friend since. He’s insane sometimes when he’s high. He doesn’t the weirdest shit that you will ever see, but I guess that’s why you can’t get too mad at him. He’s still pretty insane when he’s sober. December goes to bed earlier than the two of us, so we stay up and talk. We mostly play board games and video games while December is doing some house projects.

December been working really hard on the house lately. When we first came here, the place looked like a tornado came through. He apparently turned the house upside down because he was so pissed off. At least he didn’t take it out on anyone. Not to say that you should go tear down your house when your pissed off.
He took us around the city the other day and showed us around town.

I stood up from the bed that I was laying on and made my way downstairs into the kitchen where I found Chartreuse laying on the floor and December smirking evilly as he was holding a white porcelain jar.

“Do I want to know?” I asked, pointing at Chartreuse.

“He won’t give me a cookie.” Chartreuse explained.

I stared over at December and he just chuckled, “He’s had enough weed today. Giving him sugar will just fuel his flame on trying to destroy my house.”

“Am not! I’m being careful!” he shouted.

“Then why were you playing with the fruits on the coffee table?”

“Because I wanted to watch T.V, and now I want a cookie!”

I bit my lip, “Why is he on the floor?”

December shrugged, “He just laid down for no reason.”

I laughed and shook my head slowly, “You guys are insane.”

“But you love me, Mac!” Chartreuse exclaimed and I nodded slowly.