Open Your Eyes

The feel of the sand forming between her toes and smell of the salty ocean was the ideal scenery to Erin's morning jog. She had run along the boardwalk but took a detour once she had tired herself out and took an leisurely stroll along the beach with her running shoes hooked onto her fingers. There was something tranquil about the beach early in the morning where she only had to share the beach with the surfers, who spent most of their time in the water anyway.

The clouds on the horizon were a light pink and orange color due to the sun rising. Erin was just about to drop her shoes into the silk-soft sand to dip her toes into the water when she felt her phone vibrating against her abdomen. Instead, she pulled her phone from her pocket and sat herself in the soft sand. Before she had a chance to read who was calling a familiar voice reiterated words from the previous night.

Call me as soon as you get home so I know you're okay.

Bobby's words echoed in her mind. Erin cursed under her breath as she had completely forgotten his request due to her drunk ex scaring her half to death on her front doorstep. Which had ultimately resulted in Brian spending the night on her couch. However, the name that was flashing up on her screen was not that of her current love interest, it belonged to someone far closer to her heart.

“Good morning Ms. Mason.” Erin smiled happily as she heard Corinne's faint laugh on the other end. She made a mental note, not that those had been doing her any favors lately, to call Bobby on her walk back to her town home once she was finished talking to her grandmother.

During Erin's stay in California, Corinne had remained stable in her condition and had gained back some of the life that had withered away during her harsh treatment.

“I didn't wake you did I, sweeheart?” She asked, her voice still groggy with sleep. Erin smirked at the fact that Corinne was the one asking if Erin had been asleep when it was quite obvious that the elderly woman had just awoken.

“Not at all. Just went for my morning run.” She assured before silence took over the line. Erin released a light sigh. “I had to get out of the house, I'm dreading going back.” Erin knew that the omniscient statement would only pique her grandmothers interest.

“Oh?” Corinne had a curious tone to her voice that Erin knew all too well. She could even picture the raised brow and the one sided upturned lip that Corinne always had when digging for answers.

“A friend stopped by...drunk.” Erin explained, choosing to leave Brian's name out of it. Each time she had a conversation with her grandmother, his name was usually brought up by the elderly woman to which Erin had subtly changed the topic. Erin never had the heart to tell Corinne how bad he was doing, though after last night the temptation was strong. Surely getting a woman of experience's opinion on the matter couldn't do any harm, if anything she'd know a better way of handling it than Erin did. “There's somethin' you're not tellin' me.”

Erin let out an airy laugh before clearing her throat. She should have figured Corinne knew her all too well for the young blonde to try to hide something. “Brian was that friend...” Erin paused and waited for Corinne's reaction before continuing.

“Aren't you datin' somebody?” Corinne raised an octave as her interest piqued once Brian had been included.

“Yeah, I am but Brian just slept on the couch.” Erin countered quickly, some might say a little too quickly. Erin's tongue darted out to moisten her dried lips, the taste of the salty ocean air lingered. “He hasn't been doing too well since Jimmy died. He's lashing out at me and the guys, he's drinking at all hours of the day and a part of me wonders if he's using drugs. Last night he was talking about quitting the band.”

“Oh dear.” Erin could hear a disappointment laced in the two words Corinne muttered. “Sounds to me like he's having a hard time dealing with James' passing.”

“I feel like I owe it to him to help him but I don't know how. He's pushing me away every chance he gets.” With an exasperated sigh, the blonde sat back and let Corinne grace her wisdom upon her.

“Well, don't you remember when your mother died? You had a hard time dealing with it and you talked to that nice woman a few towns away. And what did she tell you?”

It was at that moment that Erin realized just what she had to do, and she felt silly that she hadn't thought of it first. “You always know the right thing to say.” She drawled. It never ceased to amaze her at how amazing Corinne was, Erin felt like she'd be truly lost without the vivacious woman.

Corinne chuckled lightly. “I try.” Modesty was never her forte though.

With a light chuckle of her own, Erin gently moved her fingertips across the soft sand, making random and obscure shapes with her nails. “Stay strong, and say hello to David for me, okay?” Erin grinned widely, knowing that her ex, David was taking good care of Corinne by visiting her as often as he could.

“Promise. Say hello to Brian for me.” Corinne replied in a sing-song voice, almost tauntingly. Erin shook her head at her grandmothers childlike nature.

“I'll call you tonight to let you know how it goes.” Erin bid Corinne farewell before hanging up.

As she got to her feet, she let herself seize one last moment to take in the peaceful morning. She knew that once she returned home, that her peaceful and zen morning would be no more.

- - - - - - - - -

“Ugh.” Brian groaned as his still very sensitive eyes cracked open. The burning from the pepper spray the night before had diminished, significantly but proved to be sensitive to the brightly lit room he was in.

“Where the hell am I?” He mumbled to himself, sitting up on an unfamiliar couch and glanced around at the nicely decorated living space. His head was pounding but he tried to ignore it as he got to his feet. He stumbled at first, feeling a little lightheaded, but regained his footing without making much noise. Brian knew who's place he was in just by the decor alone. However, the pictures of herself and her loved ones scattered through out the room also confirmed his suspicions.

The previous night was somewhat of a blur, mainly due to the fact that he had ingested the whole bottle of Jack Daniel's in the parking lot of the liquor store that was a couple blocks away. It was only once he began feeling buzzed did he begin thinking of the blonde from his past and that he hadn't been far from her house.

He had only known where she lived because Zacky had let it slip a few days prior when the rhythm guitarist stopped by and began talking about his upcoming nuptials. Zacky was rambling on about the location of the wedding, and how it would be at a nice hotel in San Diego or Santa Barbara, a location where everyone could travel to easily. Needless to say most of it had gone completely over Brian's head but Zacky's comment about the maid of honor, Erin, living just off Main Street hadn't.

Just as Brian tore his eyes away from what seemed to be a fairly recent picture of Erin, Jon and Corinne, he heard movement coming from the next room. His body froze in place, a part of him wanted to dash for the door in large part because he wasn't sure what he had said to Erin in his inebriated state. He could only assume that since she had let him spend the night on her couch that it hadn't been too bad. With that in mind, he took several long strides towards the adjoining room, ignoring the throbbing pain of the massive headache that was slowly getting worse and worse.

He lazily leaned against the archway of the entry as he was met with a brightly lit kitchen and caught Erin getting herself some breakfast. She had her back to him as she was throwing some berries into her cereal and he seized the opportunity before him. He let his eyes scan the female body he had become very familiar with over the course of their relationship.

She was wearing a tight fitting pair of crop dark gray leggings which in his eyes accentuated to curve of her backside perfectly. On top she wore a light gray yoga top, exposing a large portion of her back and even though he couldn't see it, her stomach as well. By the light sheen of sweat across her upper and lower back, and her choice of attire, it was clear she had just finished running.

In the midst of pouring herself a glass of juice, she glanced over her shoulder at him quickly then looked back down at her glass being filled with orange liquid. “About time you woke up.” She said lightly, keeping her back to him to return the juice carton to the refrigerator.

“I kinda wish I was still passed out. Do you have aspirin or something? My head is killing me.” He mumbled, his voice was hoarse and scratchy from the amount of alcohol that had burned his throat the night before. Erin's blonde head nodded ever so slightly before she quickly left the kitchen and returned with a small red pill in hand.

“Here.” She handed him the pill before removing a glass from the cupboard and providing him with water to wash the aspirin down. He mumbled an almost incoherent thank you before downing the pill and the entire glass of semi-cold water. Erin watched him wince at the pain of his hangover, wondering why he still continued to live his life like he was at a twenty-four seven rager.

“Do you remember what happened last night?” She asked as her eyes narrowed at him. Brian crossed his arms over his chest, giving off the impression that he couldn't careless which in fact was quite the opposite. The stagnant silence between the two of them was thick with tension. “I'm worried about you.” She spoke softly.

“You don't need to worry about me, doll. I'm perfectly fine, just hungover and craving pancakes for some odd reason.” He quipped with a half smile, looking to get a more upbeat reaction from her. Instead of flashing him the cute shy smile that she used to when he joked around, her lips stayed pursed together in a line while her blue eyes stared at him with a mix of disappointment and pity. “Tough crowd.” He muttered.

“This isn't funny.” She sounded almost offended that he was joking around. She lightly bit down on her bottom lip as her arms crossed under her breasts, looking fed up. “Why can't you be honest like you were being last night?”

“How do you know I was being honest?” He shrugged, letting his cocky smirk make a come back. However, the sexy and unique curve of his lips didn't hold the same power as it once did, or if it did she was hiding it well.

“I think you have a problem, Brian.” She stated bluntly, ignoring his statement completely. Erin could've sworn she saw his body stiffen at her accusation and his brown eyes darken the moment her mouth came to a close. She was almost certain by his reaction that it hadn't been the first time someone had called him out on his alcoholic like behavior. With the new information she received from Jon the night before, a part of her wondered if his possible addiction ran deeper than alcohol.

Brian's jaw tightened just before a harsh scoff escaped his throat, acting as if he were offend by the accusation. “You know what? I do have a problem.” He began, his voice rising in volume.

“My best friend is fucking dead.” He snapped, ready to walk out the door and not look back. He didn't want to hear the same speech he had heard from so many other people in his life. Though, he especially didn't want to hear it from her when she had broken things off with him when things got hard. “So yeah I'm a little fucked up at the moment.” He said casually as if things would fall back into place on their own but Erin knew better.

“Brian, every time I've seen you you've been drunk, had a drink in your hand or looked like you just came back from partying all night.” Her frustration was growing with every denial he threw her way. It was clear to everyone in his life that he resolved to drinking when Jimmy passed away, which told her that he had yet to fully accept the reality of the drummers untimely death.

“You're going to drink yourself to death. Do you not understand that?”

An eery silence floated through the tense kitchen, Brian felt like he was being back into a corner like he had been several times before. Even though the blonde touched on the subject much more politely than anyone else in the past, he wasn't going to be forced into doing anything he wasn't willing. He wasn't ready to let go of the past and no one seemed to understand.

“Well I'm sorry I don't have healthier ways of dealing with shit. Not all of us can just run away like you!” He snapped, almost ready to throw something in frustration but restrained himself, knowing that wouldn't get him anywhere.

Erin sighed heavily, then reached over to the island in the middle of her kitchen, grabbing her keys. She began to walk towards Brian, and once she was close enough, her small hand encircled his right arm as she passed him. “Let's go, I'll drive you to your car.” She said as she pulled him along with her.

Brian didn't fight her, he was happy to have his freedom, so he followed her into the car without a fight. They rode in silence as she drove down the familiar streets of Huntington towards the small liquor store he had purchased his Jack Daniel's from.

Just as he spotted his black Escalade in the parking lot, Erin's foot hit the acceleration and the small vehicle quickly drove past it. Brian quickly realized that she had lied about where she was taking him just to get him into the car. He silently cursed himself for thinking that she would accept the answers he had given her, she wasn't one to go down without a fight.

“Where are we going?” He asked, slightly annoyed that he couldn't just go home and sleep like he wanted to. The couch, while it was comfortable, had left him feeling stiff and a little sore. He was craving that familiar feeling of alcohol pulsing through his blood.

Erin didn't even bother looking at him, she kept her eyes completely on the road before her. “To see Jimmy.” was all she said. Brian felt knots twist in his stomach immediately and the need for something stronger than alcohol increased tenfold.

His anxiety only accelerated as Erin pulled her car into the parking lot just on the out skirts of the cemetery. Brian's jaw was clenched tight and his body remained planted in the passenger seat, even when Erin let herself out of the car.

Thanks to the rear view mirror and side mirror, he was able to catch her walking around the car only to stop at his door. His window was wide open so attempting to lock the door on her, like a small child would, seemed redundant as she could easily reopen it. Before she got a chance to get him out, he stepped out himself. A small smile crept onto her lips but soon faded once she realized he was walking towards the road and not where Jimmy lay.

His paces were quick, and if Erin hadn't jogged lightly after him, he might have gotten away from her. However, due to his stiff muscles and lack of sleep, he didn't get far enough. Her hand came to lightly grab his arm when he decided to abruptly turn his body around.

“I'm not going in there.” Brian snapped, his mannerisms showing the anxiety that was building inside of him. His voice was loud and panicked.

“Look, I'm not going to force you,” She assured with a soft gaze, her hand was still lightly on his arm. Neither one seemed to notice though. “but it might help you.”

Brian scoffed loudly, as if her comment was the strangest thing in the world. “I just want to go home.” He moved to walk passed her but she stepped in front of him before he had the chance. Their shoulders bumped gently, and her face was so close that he could feel her warm breath and smell her perfume. It then occurred to him that he more than likely smelled of Jack Daniel's, cigarettes and pepper spray.

“I'll gladly take you home but I need to say something to you first.” She began in a calming voice, opting for a more friendly approach. She knew that being pushy and abrupt with him wouldn't work, he would only further distance himself from the people that cared about him. “You told me last night that you wanted to leave the band...”

“Things change, passions burn out. It's a part of life.” Brian countered nonchalantly with a careless shrug of his shoulders.

“I don't believe that, not with you.” Erin cast him a pointed look before sighing when Brian's blank face stared back at her. “Look, I don't know much about playing the guitar but I do know that you're amazing at what you do. You look so happy when your guitar is in your hands. For you to just ignore that and your fans, Jimmy would never want that. He'd kick your ass before he'd let that happen."

Several silent moments passed before she gripped his forearm lightly. "Brian, numbing the pain will only make it worse when you finally feel it.”

Brian's jaw tightened as he locked eyes with the blonde, a could feel a small part of him give way. “So what do you suggest?” He asked with a borderline sarcastic tone, if only to maintain the facade he had been putting forth since his best friend's passing. If he were being completely honest with Erin, he would've let her see the desperation that he held inside. Longing for the pain of Jimmy's death to lessen which was why drugs had seemed like the easiest course of action.

“When my mom died I went to talk to this woman who helped people grieve because I didn't know how to deal with it.”

“And what did she suggest?” Brian asked, clearly not interested but played along.

“Talk to him like I talk to my mom.” She stated with a light shrug of her shoulders. The subdued and composed tone of her voice made it sound much easier than he knew it would be. Her lips curved into a tight lipped half smile. “It does help, you know. It's a little weird at first but after a while you get used to carrying a conversation.”

“Don't you think I'm a little far gone for that?” Brian commented, casting a sideways glance at the blonde. He was serious in his question, Erin had been through several loses in her life and she still remained composed and down to earth, even more so than the average person. With that said, he couldn't help but wonder if he could ever return to his normal, functional self.

“It doesn't hurt to try.” Erin countered before holding out her hand to him. Brian stared down at it, suddenly feeling a sense of deja vu with being at the cemetery with Erin. However, this visit was his time of mourning, not hers.

Brian buried his hands in his pockets, wordlessly declining her offer. Which caused Erin to frown slightly. “I uh–I'd rather go alone if you don't mind.”

“Of course not.” She played it off as if she weren't hurt in the matter but truthfully she was hoping she could be by his side but she wasn't in any place to refuse him of his privacy.

Brian forced a meek smile before turning on his heel and stepping under the large sand stone entrance, his eyes taking in the bright, lush green of the grass and the darkened gray of the slate and granite headstones. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat as his feet sunk into the still dewy grass. His head moved left to right as he looked over the names.

He felt his mouth go dry as he stopped short of the piece of granite bearing the name James Owen Sullivan. Fresh flowers were perched around it, along with several notes and drawings which Brian assumed were left by mourning fans. Matt had told him that Mrs. Sullivan came weekly to the grave site to collect all the items left behind by fans. The guitarist slipped his hands into his jacket pocket before he looked over his shoulder and caught Erin seat herself near the entry on top of a wooden bench.

With her head turned away, Brian chose to let his eyes linger on her momentarily. The way her long blonde hair danced softly in the light spring breeze, and the way her bright blue eyes took in the gorgeous greenery and California sunshine. The moment her head moved the tiniest bit though, Brian quickly tore his eyes away, not wanting to be caught mid stare.

“So uh–” Brian stopped to clear his throat before kneeling down on the lush grass. “Goldilocks back there thinks this will help 'heal me' if I talk like you're actually here.” He commented with a dramatic raise of his brows. The lead guitarist paused for a moment to inhale a steady breath.

“Except it won't cause I'm making eye contact with a fucking headstone. A piece of rock that won't laugh that loud, crazy infectious laugh when I say something funny.” Brian's breath hitched in his throat as emotion was starting to overwhelm him. Suddenly all the prior thoughts he had since finding out about his best friend's death were rushing back, even more so now that his system was clean of any alcohol or narcotics to numb it.

“It's fucking scary to know that you can't pipe up and say something even more ridiculous than I did anymore. Do you remember how we'd laugh hysterically about it while the rest of the guys looked at us like we lost our fuckin' minds?”

A hearty chuckle escaped from Brian's throat. “To be perfectly honest, I kinda think we have over the years with all the crazy shit we've done.” A halfhearted smile inched its way onto his lips.

“We always had fun and lived life to the fullest. It hurts me to accept that you had to lose yours so quick and now everyone; Erin, the guys, my dad, Suzy, think I'm on the brink of losing mine too.” Brian shifted in his spot, becoming mildly uncomfortable with the thought of possibly falling victim to the stereotypical, yet still tragic 'Hollywood' ending.

“I thought about it at first you know, ending the pain the only way I knew how, it was hard to imagine living life without you around–” Brian's word choked out as his eyes began stinging. It wasn't until he attempted to speak again that he realized a handful of tears were slipping down his structured cheeks. “It still is. So many people loved you.” Brian sucked in a jagged breath, hoping to regain some of his composure back. He began to understand the meaning behind Erin's words.

Numbing the pain will only make it worse when you finally feel it.

He wiped at the fallen tears while tasting the saltiness of the ones had managed to reach his lips. His chest ached and his limbs felt heavy and the need for those feelings to cease, by any means, were strong.

“A week after you left, we got so much fuckin' fan mail. It was almost insane how much. It was all about you. Jim, you inspired more kids than you could ever know.” Brian mustered a weak smile as he recalled Matt showing him several of the letters, drawings and stories from fans all over the globe. All of which, in their own way, thanked Jimmy for being such an inspirational musician and how much he changed each of their lives.

Brian opened his mouth to speak as he recalled a certain story that had touched all four of the remaining members. Before he could the vibrating mobile device against his thigh stopped him from doing so.

He cursed under his breath as he dug for his phone, and saw that there were several missed calls. Five to be exact and one new text message, all from the number he had gotten from Kelsey before she refused to make time for a 'has been' musician. With the flick of his thumb, the text message popped up.

Got some new stuff in, if you're still interested.

His brown eyes read the message several times over before he looked away and peaked at the blonde behind him. He let them linger for a brief second before shifting to the granite head stone with his best friend's name engraved on it. The irony of the situation cause him to laugh bitterly.

Behind him was his past, blonde hair and blue eyes. In his hand was his present, little white pills that would numb the pain and emptiness. And, finally just across from him lay his future if he wasn't careful, a cold headstone and six feet under.