Chasing Ambitions
Alone
I watched her move through the clearing in the woods until she was a small black dot in the distance, my feet unable to move. My mother. My mother. My very own mother betraying me now, for another life, and leaving me to survive in the cruel world by myself. How could she? I speechless when she told me, her daughter of just six and a half years old, that I was not able to come with her. She had been with me through the struggle of our lives all this time, and now I was to cope by myself. She told me she loved me very very much, and that she did not want to leave me but she had no choice. Tears had sprang from my eyes, unstoppable and unforgivable tears. I didn't get any of it. That was the worst bit. Part of me wondered, Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault she is now leaving me? But those thoughts could not stick long through the hurt, sadness, anger that was left inside me.
I must have been sat paralised crying on the ground for hours, since it dawned on me it had grown dark. I had nowhere to go now, as we had been kicked out of our old one roomed scruffy cottage some days ago, and had bailed to here, some old damp woods that were not the slightest bit farmiliar to me. Totally drained and worn out from voices in my head telling me how I should feel, I scrambled to my feet and started walking, not knowing where I was even going. Oh lord, my feet were hurting. So much walking we had done in the past few days showed my exhaustion now, as I found myself stumbling and stalling here and there. Still, I kept going. I had to.
My rough childhood required me to gain vital survival skills most six year olds didn't need, my life was tough. Mother used to say how I started to walk and talk from a very young age, then I started growing very independent. Just as well I suppose. Most of the time at home, I used to be doing house work, walking long distances to collect things such as firewood for our warmth, and maybe making dinner. I was used to caring for myself aswell, thank god I had some sort of idea of what to do. Some.
About thirty minutes later, I had reached a clearing in the woods that looked safe to stay for the night. The small logic part left of my brain told me to carry on to find a village near tomorrow. But now I needed some rest, even if the other messed up part of my mind protested. I quite literally fell to the floor and was asleep in seconds.
I whoke the next morning in broad day light, and had a chance to look around at my surroundings proberaly. I could see better now, but all there was to see really were trees, trees, and more trees. I sighed, bothered by the not knowing what was to happen and how long it would take to find somewhere to go.
I also noticed in the light the state of my tiny pale feet. They were still sore and hurting, but they were now accomponied by dried blood and open cuts, that were most likely now infected from the wood floors. Everything in my body ached so much, a feeling you cannot imagine until you have experienced it. My brown and blonde ruffeled hair now felt knotted and unbrushed, but there was nothing I could do about it other than try and get my fingers through it to staighten it out a bit. My ragged blue dress had only got dirtier, not that that bothered me much. My appearance would not be exactly sutiable for walking around a village, but there could be others like me out there. Mind now set, I started off again, a bit more confidence in my stride, despite the all over pain.
Time passed, I kept a steady beat swirving around the bigger stones on the ground until I got to the end of the abandoned forest. It had seemed a long time since I had seen anything other than that forest, though I knew better. A field led from the edge of the forest, to what looked like a farm, then I could just see peeks of a small village through the gaps of the trees. It felt strange. Like another world from what I was used to. But I guess that feeling was because of all the change happening, and that was about to happen.
The next decision was which way was to go in the village before me. Now everything was in eye sight, I noticed the detail to shops, the wandering people, the way everything was set out. The place held a kind of home-ish sense, the greeting of the gentlemen on the path, the great smells wafting from shop doors. I hadn't eaten much in days, my mouth watered like crazy. I desperately wanted to fit in with the society, forget everything and start again with my head held high, but I knew I couldn't, for one main reason staring me in the face before the others; there was a more obvious difference between me and these people. They all showed signs of good wealth in the clothes they wore, the bags of food they had, the more or less squeaky clean looks they glowed. I, on the other hand, was the total opposite.
Cautiously, I pattered through the crowds of people, the smooth stone floor becoming noticable and almost soothing to my feet, feeling out of place. The more looks I got off strangers making silent opinions and impressions on me, the more I hurried on, hoping only to find somewhere to hide away.
I found my way to an side ally, where I slouched against the wall and knew I would not be seen. The truth was, I didn't know if I could live like this. Wandering around the village and maybe kipping out in an odd ally like this was not at all safe, or a reliable way to live. There would be no promise for survival, anything could happen. I had some thinking to do. So, there must be orphans around here... somewhere. There must be some children like me, with nowhere to go. The only place I thought I could go to next was... an orphanage. There would be no reason to pretend I was like all these other children, dressed smartly being led down the street, because I wasn't. And, there would be more like me. Without giving myself time to think twice, once again I stumbled along back into the crowd, in search for somewhere that at least looked like an orphanage.
I got lucky. Not long after I had started my search and the village had expanded wider, my eyes skimmed over the sign on a building, in large letters, KINDEN HOUSE, ORPHANAGE FOR GIRLS 6-16. Just the gates themselves were massive to a tiny girl like me, let alone the building. The windows were bordered with wood, it was very dull looking and my instincts didn't hint anything good inside Kinden House. Infact, they were going against me on this, but my brain nagged, again, that it was all I had for now.
I must have been sat paralised crying on the ground for hours, since it dawned on me it had grown dark. I had nowhere to go now, as we had been kicked out of our old one roomed scruffy cottage some days ago, and had bailed to here, some old damp woods that were not the slightest bit farmiliar to me. Totally drained and worn out from voices in my head telling me how I should feel, I scrambled to my feet and started walking, not knowing where I was even going. Oh lord, my feet were hurting. So much walking we had done in the past few days showed my exhaustion now, as I found myself stumbling and stalling here and there. Still, I kept going. I had to.
My rough childhood required me to gain vital survival skills most six year olds didn't need, my life was tough. Mother used to say how I started to walk and talk from a very young age, then I started growing very independent. Just as well I suppose. Most of the time at home, I used to be doing house work, walking long distances to collect things such as firewood for our warmth, and maybe making dinner. I was used to caring for myself aswell, thank god I had some sort of idea of what to do. Some.
About thirty minutes later, I had reached a clearing in the woods that looked safe to stay for the night. The small logic part left of my brain told me to carry on to find a village near tomorrow. But now I needed some rest, even if the other messed up part of my mind protested. I quite literally fell to the floor and was asleep in seconds.
I whoke the next morning in broad day light, and had a chance to look around at my surroundings proberaly. I could see better now, but all there was to see really were trees, trees, and more trees. I sighed, bothered by the not knowing what was to happen and how long it would take to find somewhere to go.
I also noticed in the light the state of my tiny pale feet. They were still sore and hurting, but they were now accomponied by dried blood and open cuts, that were most likely now infected from the wood floors. Everything in my body ached so much, a feeling you cannot imagine until you have experienced it. My brown and blonde ruffeled hair now felt knotted and unbrushed, but there was nothing I could do about it other than try and get my fingers through it to staighten it out a bit. My ragged blue dress had only got dirtier, not that that bothered me much. My appearance would not be exactly sutiable for walking around a village, but there could be others like me out there. Mind now set, I started off again, a bit more confidence in my stride, despite the all over pain.
Time passed, I kept a steady beat swirving around the bigger stones on the ground until I got to the end of the abandoned forest. It had seemed a long time since I had seen anything other than that forest, though I knew better. A field led from the edge of the forest, to what looked like a farm, then I could just see peeks of a small village through the gaps of the trees. It felt strange. Like another world from what I was used to. But I guess that feeling was because of all the change happening, and that was about to happen.
The next decision was which way was to go in the village before me. Now everything was in eye sight, I noticed the detail to shops, the wandering people, the way everything was set out. The place held a kind of home-ish sense, the greeting of the gentlemen on the path, the great smells wafting from shop doors. I hadn't eaten much in days, my mouth watered like crazy. I desperately wanted to fit in with the society, forget everything and start again with my head held high, but I knew I couldn't, for one main reason staring me in the face before the others; there was a more obvious difference between me and these people. They all showed signs of good wealth in the clothes they wore, the bags of food they had, the more or less squeaky clean looks they glowed. I, on the other hand, was the total opposite.
Cautiously, I pattered through the crowds of people, the smooth stone floor becoming noticable and almost soothing to my feet, feeling out of place. The more looks I got off strangers making silent opinions and impressions on me, the more I hurried on, hoping only to find somewhere to hide away.
I found my way to an side ally, where I slouched against the wall and knew I would not be seen. The truth was, I didn't know if I could live like this. Wandering around the village and maybe kipping out in an odd ally like this was not at all safe, or a reliable way to live. There would be no promise for survival, anything could happen. I had some thinking to do. So, there must be orphans around here... somewhere. There must be some children like me, with nowhere to go. The only place I thought I could go to next was... an orphanage. There would be no reason to pretend I was like all these other children, dressed smartly being led down the street, because I wasn't. And, there would be more like me. Without giving myself time to think twice, once again I stumbled along back into the crowd, in search for somewhere that at least looked like an orphanage.
I got lucky. Not long after I had started my search and the village had expanded wider, my eyes skimmed over the sign on a building, in large letters, KINDEN HOUSE, ORPHANAGE FOR GIRLS 6-16. Just the gates themselves were massive to a tiny girl like me, let alone the building. The windows were bordered with wood, it was very dull looking and my instincts didn't hint anything good inside Kinden House. Infact, they were going against me on this, but my brain nagged, again, that it was all I had for now.