Shut Up
Give you the gun
23rd of May 2003
I have so many bills to pay…Two months of unpaid water bills, electricity and gas for this month, the loan that dad made to rent a gun to shoot himself and my brother’s medicine for this month.
I’m not a genius at math, but I presume that what I currently earn is not enough.
52 euro goes to the Water Company,
20 to electricity,
35 to gas…
200 euro this month for dad’s loan,
130 or so euro for my brother’s medicine
I only earn 300 euro…
I have three jobs: I earn 5 euro per hour at the construction site, which means 50 euro a week and 150 a month; I get 50 euro at the record store and 100 at the gas station. I can work more at the construction site, but that means I’ll miss more classes at school and my body can’t stand this activity as it is; what if I work all month?
Who am I kidding? There’s nothing I can possibly do…
If I don’t pay the gas this month, I’ll have to pay twice or even more next month and the problem will repeat itself. I have to pay the 200 euro no matter what, because banks are ruthless if you don’t pay your debts; my brother, though, is much more important, so I’ll put the 130 euro on the first place.
Then I have to pay…330 euro…
Fuck; I wonder, how much money would I get on my soul?
6th of April 2002
My digits are frozen stiff. I can't even write this short note of self-pity...
It's spring, so I have my very worn chucks on, useless shoes that would have frozen my toes even without the hole in their right sole that I thought cardboard could fix. The flimsy jean jacket, the ripped jeans, it's all useless because they're spring clothes and it's as cold as in winter outside.
I'm dying a painful death.
I want to scream my lungs out, rip off my feet(MY TOES ARE ON FIRE!!!)but I freaking can't!
And I have to go to school, so hot bath or no sleeping the pain away.
I feel like crying...Weather hates me...
I have so many bills to pay…Two months of unpaid water bills, electricity and gas for this month, the loan that dad made to rent a gun to shoot himself and my brother’s medicine for this month.
I’m not a genius at math, but I presume that what I currently earn is not enough.
52 euro goes to the Water Company,
20 to electricity,
35 to gas…
200 euro this month for dad’s loan,
130 or so euro for my brother’s medicine
I only earn 300 euro…
I have three jobs: I earn 5 euro per hour at the construction site, which means 50 euro a week and 150 a month; I get 50 euro at the record store and 100 at the gas station. I can work more at the construction site, but that means I’ll miss more classes at school and my body can’t stand this activity as it is; what if I work all month?
Who am I kidding? There’s nothing I can possibly do…
If I don’t pay the gas this month, I’ll have to pay twice or even more next month and the problem will repeat itself. I have to pay the 200 euro no matter what, because banks are ruthless if you don’t pay your debts; my brother, though, is much more important, so I’ll put the 130 euro on the first place.
Then I have to pay…330 euro…
Fuck; I wonder, how much money would I get on my soul?
6th of April 2002
My digits are frozen stiff. I can't even write this short note of self-pity...
It's spring, so I have my very worn chucks on, useless shoes that would have frozen my toes even without the hole in their right sole that I thought cardboard could fix. The flimsy jean jacket, the ripped jeans, it's all useless because they're spring clothes and it's as cold as in winter outside.
I'm dying a painful death.
I want to scream my lungs out, rip off my feet(MY TOES ARE ON FIRE!!!)but I freaking can't!
And I have to go to school, so hot bath or no sleeping the pain away.
I feel like crying...Weather hates me...