Shut Up
Till you all just disappear
2nd of August 2000
Did you ever catch a snowflake in your palm, felt that flicker of life before it disappeared under the warmth of your skin?
This is how I feel whenever I embrace my little brother, as if my arms will break his tiny shell of a body and his flicker of life will disappear; this is how he’s been his entire life.
Then, is it even satisfying to complain about your own miserable existence if you have such a being around you, reminding you constantly that your life is not so bad?
I could have cancer and it wouldn’t beat my brother’s woe…
I love him, though, more than I have ever loved a thing in my life; I would even sell my beast if it would make my brother’s life easier.
But it won’t help, the useless things I try everyday, the reassuring smiles I offer him, even though I know there’s nothing in this world that can help. I can’t cry to God for help because I’m ashamed to say a word, I’m ashamed because the only thing I continuously prayed for during those three years of non-existence was that my parents’ lives would end before I returned.
There’s nothing I can do. It even reached that point where my brother comforts me…
He hugged me today and said that it’s okay if I stop trying so hard, because my face is beginning to look like an old man’s and I smiled, though my heart screamed bloody hell for my lungs to release their horrible wail.
Am I…the warmth that melts you, Phil?
Me dying…would it help you, little flake?
27th of December 1996
I didn't get anything for Christmas.
World has a deranged way of informing me that I have no place here.
I know mom and dad have no money to spend on such an outdated tradition and, yeah, you were expecting me to believe in that dumb story with the fat dude in the rd underpants, weren't you? Only Lore is that young and, though I dislike how spoiled she's become, not giving a 6-year-old her presents on Christmas is too cruel.
Phil's books are surely for school...right?
It's okay that I haven't gotten even a 6-pence piece of candy, because mom and dad don't have the money...
...but it's not okay that I'm crying, because boys can't cry...
1st of August 1997
I don't understand...
Why don't you look me in the eyes?
Why none of you smile? Why none of you say 'Oh, it was a joke, Mike, you fell for it'?
Why don't you cry,mom?Why don't you cry,dad?
Why do you cry, Phil?
Why do you cry when I ask you why, Phil?
Why don't I cry?
Why do I ask so many 'why's?
Why should I be happy when I can be unhappy?
20th of October 1995
I really can't take your shit right now; I'm exhausted and your words keep me awake, your horrible words that you decided to tell me just before I went to sleep.
How can you do this to your own blood, dad?!!
How can you be so evil?! It's like you were born of Satan, you motherfuckin' specter, with your eyes as black as tar, black as the place where your non-existent soul should have been. Frowning eyes that seem to imagine killing me every time they fall on me!!
You'd fucking haunt me if I ever got my hands on that shotgun I wrote at some point in my idiotic diary!
Really, is this how you treat a human being?!
'I should've made your mother have an abortion. Really, you're just a waste of time and space'
Fucking monster! Why didn't you?! Instead of making my existence a living hell, why not end it? Take a fucking knife, you coward, and rid this earth of a mistake!
Punish me for mom's mistakes!
Beg for redemption, bitch, because you're going straight to hell after you die...
13th of March 2000
I haven't played the piano in so long that I was pleasantly surprised to see I haven't lost this ability. This piano of regrets...this piano of despise and grief...this piano of Lorelai's.
Despite being her single possession that she hasn't taken with her to the other realm, I can play it without her always-wet eyes haunting me. Despite being hers, it doesn't remind me of her...
Oh, elegant feline, you always seem so sad in your corner, now that your master is gone, that I couldn't help myself but relate; I took off all the books from your back, seated my tired bones on the chair in front of your mouth and began tapping your teeth gently.
I am tired and alone in this house heavy with memories. I struggle to reminisce a better past, when Lorelai's hair color was blonde and not rainbow and when she still had the ability to smile, when Phil only reached dad's waist, when mom was healthy and when dad was here, but, in the absence of such a memory, I am forced to create my own.
Lorelai never could smile and that's why world rejected her and branded her as 'weird'.
Phil was always tall, taller than most kids his age, smarter than most kids his age because mom used to read him stories before me and Lorelai were born. It's only normal that the reaction he received was not positive, because the state wants people dumb and easily led.
Mom was never healthy, at least not entirely. I had debated over this issue in those three years of torment, to reach a solid conclusion:mom had such a low self-esteem that father's insults made her redirect that spite toward us.She was disgusted by our existences;her sunny-side up eggs fell in a sloppy manner on my plate and no smile followed.
Maybe my family had always been dysfunctional in the eyes of society, but now, standing tired and alone in this house heavy with memories, I'd like it back, as dysfunctional as it may have been...
24th of September 2011
I can't breathe...I waited in that dark hallway for a painful eternity and they brought me a shovel.
I waited for a goddamn eternity! This is how you repay 10 years of insomnia,damp cheeks and sore muscles?! What did I struggle for?!
What have I done for You to torture me with such delight?! Why don't you take me?!!Take me already!!!
GIVE HER BACK!!!GIVE THEM ALL BACK!!!!!
GIVE ME MY FAMILY BACK!!!!!!
Did you ever catch a snowflake in your palm, felt that flicker of life before it disappeared under the warmth of your skin?
This is how I feel whenever I embrace my little brother, as if my arms will break his tiny shell of a body and his flicker of life will disappear; this is how he’s been his entire life.
Then, is it even satisfying to complain about your own miserable existence if you have such a being around you, reminding you constantly that your life is not so bad?
I could have cancer and it wouldn’t beat my brother’s woe…
I love him, though, more than I have ever loved a thing in my life; I would even sell my beast if it would make my brother’s life easier.
But it won’t help, the useless things I try everyday, the reassuring smiles I offer him, even though I know there’s nothing in this world that can help. I can’t cry to God for help because I’m ashamed to say a word, I’m ashamed because the only thing I continuously prayed for during those three years of non-existence was that my parents’ lives would end before I returned.
There’s nothing I can do. It even reached that point where my brother comforts me…
He hugged me today and said that it’s okay if I stop trying so hard, because my face is beginning to look like an old man’s and I smiled, though my heart screamed bloody hell for my lungs to release their horrible wail.
Am I…the warmth that melts you, Phil?
Me dying…would it help you, little flake?
27th of December 1996
I didn't get anything for Christmas.
World has a deranged way of informing me that I have no place here.
I know mom and dad have no money to spend on such an outdated tradition and, yeah, you were expecting me to believe in that dumb story with the fat dude in the rd underpants, weren't you? Only Lore is that young and, though I dislike how spoiled she's become, not giving a 6-year-old her presents on Christmas is too cruel.
Phil's books are surely for school...right?
It's okay that I haven't gotten even a 6-pence piece of candy, because mom and dad don't have the money...
...but it's not okay that I'm crying, because boys can't cry...
1st of August 1997
I don't understand...
Why don't you look me in the eyes?
Why none of you smile? Why none of you say 'Oh, it was a joke, Mike, you fell for it'?
Why don't you cry,mom?Why don't you cry,dad?
Why do you cry, Phil?
Why do you cry when I ask you why, Phil?
Why don't I cry?
Why do I ask so many 'why's?
Why should I be happy when I can be unhappy?
20th of October 1995
I really can't take your shit right now; I'm exhausted and your words keep me awake, your horrible words that you decided to tell me just before I went to sleep.
How can you do this to your own blood, dad?!!
How can you be so evil?! It's like you were born of Satan, you motherfuckin' specter, with your eyes as black as tar, black as the place where your non-existent soul should have been. Frowning eyes that seem to imagine killing me every time they fall on me!!
You'd fucking haunt me if I ever got my hands on that shotgun I wrote at some point in my idiotic diary!
Really, is this how you treat a human being?!
'I should've made your mother have an abortion. Really, you're just a waste of time and space'
Fucking monster! Why didn't you?! Instead of making my existence a living hell, why not end it? Take a fucking knife, you coward, and rid this earth of a mistake!
Punish me for mom's mistakes!
Beg for redemption, bitch, because you're going straight to hell after you die...
13th of March 2000
I haven't played the piano in so long that I was pleasantly surprised to see I haven't lost this ability. This piano of regrets...this piano of despise and grief...this piano of Lorelai's.
Despite being her single possession that she hasn't taken with her to the other realm, I can play it without her always-wet eyes haunting me. Despite being hers, it doesn't remind me of her...
Oh, elegant feline, you always seem so sad in your corner, now that your master is gone, that I couldn't help myself but relate; I took off all the books from your back, seated my tired bones on the chair in front of your mouth and began tapping your teeth gently.
I am tired and alone in this house heavy with memories. I struggle to reminisce a better past, when Lorelai's hair color was blonde and not rainbow and when she still had the ability to smile, when Phil only reached dad's waist, when mom was healthy and when dad was here, but, in the absence of such a memory, I am forced to create my own.
Lorelai never could smile and that's why world rejected her and branded her as 'weird'.
Phil was always tall, taller than most kids his age, smarter than most kids his age because mom used to read him stories before me and Lorelai were born. It's only normal that the reaction he received was not positive, because the state wants people dumb and easily led.
Mom was never healthy, at least not entirely. I had debated over this issue in those three years of torment, to reach a solid conclusion:mom had such a low self-esteem that father's insults made her redirect that spite toward us.She was disgusted by our existences;her sunny-side up eggs fell in a sloppy manner on my plate and no smile followed.
Maybe my family had always been dysfunctional in the eyes of society, but now, standing tired and alone in this house heavy with memories, I'd like it back, as dysfunctional as it may have been...
24th of September 2011
I can't breathe...I waited in that dark hallway for a painful eternity and they brought me a shovel.
I waited for a goddamn eternity! This is how you repay 10 years of insomnia,damp cheeks and sore muscles?! What did I struggle for?!
What have I done for You to torture me with such delight?! Why don't you take me?!!Take me already!!!
GIVE HER BACK!!!GIVE THEM ALL BACK!!!!!
GIVE ME MY FAMILY BACK!!!!!!