We Must Be Careful Who We Pretend To Be
I Did the Right Thing, Right?
I came back to a very excited Will. He took me to a fancy restaurant, bought me flowers, and kissed me. But, nothing was as easy as it seemed. Weeks passed and we argued all the time because I continued to work obsessively. I wasn't backing down and I continued to push him away. I know what you're thinking. I wanted him, I got him, now what the hell is wrong with me?
I'll tell you. I was scared. All I can think of is bad stuff. Maybe I didn't have time in my life for a boyfriend, or at least one as high maintenance as Will. I was tired of arguing. I was tired of him not trusting me. I had begun to resent him and stopped letting him romance me. One night, I had gotten back from a week in LA. Will and I were hanging out at my apartment.
"Are you glad to be back?" he asked.
"More than you ever know."
I snuggled up next to him, feeling secure as his arms wrapped tightly around me.
"Will, I have to go to a record release party next Saturday."
"You have to leave so soon?"
"I'm sorry."
"You're saying I'm sorry a lot. Abigail, what is this all about?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you ever going to let me in?"
"You are in," I said and a tone suggesting he was ridiculous.
"No, I'm not. Can I go with you?"
"If you really want to, though it's not really your thing."
"Do you not want me to go?"
"I'm afraid you'll feel uncomfortable."
"Abigail, this isn't going to work."
"I know," I said quietly.
Will froze, not expecting my response. He sat up and turned away from me.
"Will, I love you, but this isn't working. I don't have enough time to give you what you want. I'm a horrible girlfriend and I know it."
"Do you really want to break up?" he whispered.
"I just don't want to fight with you anymore. I miss how we used to be."
"Why won't you let me love you?"
"I'm not worthy. You deserve a woman who can give you everything that you want. Not one who is married to her job."
Will stood up and walked to the door, not looking at me. I could tell he was angry, hurt, upset.
"Fine. Don't call me."
He slammed the door as he left and I closed my eyes. I did the right thing, didn't I?
I respected Will's wishes. I didn't call, neither did he. Day after day that passed, I began to feel a sad sense of regret. I missed him. But, I continued to work, teaching, flying back and forth between Boston and LA. My mind became a blank canvas to everything other than work. I guess that's how it always had been. I guess that's why I lost Will in only a month.
I'll tell you. I was scared. All I can think of is bad stuff. Maybe I didn't have time in my life for a boyfriend, or at least one as high maintenance as Will. I was tired of arguing. I was tired of him not trusting me. I had begun to resent him and stopped letting him romance me. One night, I had gotten back from a week in LA. Will and I were hanging out at my apartment.
"Are you glad to be back?" he asked.
"More than you ever know."
I snuggled up next to him, feeling secure as his arms wrapped tightly around me.
"Will, I have to go to a record release party next Saturday."
"You have to leave so soon?"
"I'm sorry."
"You're saying I'm sorry a lot. Abigail, what is this all about?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you ever going to let me in?"
"You are in," I said and a tone suggesting he was ridiculous.
"No, I'm not. Can I go with you?"
"If you really want to, though it's not really your thing."
"Do you not want me to go?"
"I'm afraid you'll feel uncomfortable."
"Abigail, this isn't going to work."
"I know," I said quietly.
Will froze, not expecting my response. He sat up and turned away from me.
"Will, I love you, but this isn't working. I don't have enough time to give you what you want. I'm a horrible girlfriend and I know it."
"Do you really want to break up?" he whispered.
"I just don't want to fight with you anymore. I miss how we used to be."
"Why won't you let me love you?"
"I'm not worthy. You deserve a woman who can give you everything that you want. Not one who is married to her job."
Will stood up and walked to the door, not looking at me. I could tell he was angry, hurt, upset.
"Fine. Don't call me."
He slammed the door as he left and I closed my eyes. I did the right thing, didn't I?
I respected Will's wishes. I didn't call, neither did he. Day after day that passed, I began to feel a sad sense of regret. I missed him. But, I continued to work, teaching, flying back and forth between Boston and LA. My mind became a blank canvas to everything other than work. I guess that's how it always had been. I guess that's why I lost Will in only a month.