We Must Be Careful Who We Pretend To Be

The next morning, I woke up in Adam's bed in one of his t-shirts. He was lying next to me, still sleeping.

"Shit," I thought. "What did I do?"

I carefully slid off the bed, trying not to shift weight in the bed. I slid on my pants, feeling the telltale jewelry box lump in my pocket. I grimaced, and slid my shirt on. I snuck downstairs and slid on my high-heeled black boots. I left Adam a disk of the artwork on his counter and snuck outside. I caught a cab back to the hotel.

When I got there, Will was sitting on the patio, smoking. I felt horrible, dirty, and wrong. I took a shower and changed my clothes. Then, I faced my fear and went outside.

"Hi," I said awkwardly.

Will looked up at me, squinting in the bright morning light. I could see the sadness in his eyes and it broke my heart.

"Did I ever tell you why I called off the wedding?" he asked quietly.

I just shook my head. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket.

"Do you remember how you used to write notes to me and hide them all over my house?"

"Yes," I croaked.

"I found this the night before the wedding."

He handed me a piece of paper. I opened it and saw an illustration of a heart sewn back together. I recognized my own hand writing.

"No matter where we go, what we do, or what happens, you and I are meant to be together. It took us what felt like forever to get to this point. I will love you, and I know you will love me forever. Nothing could change that. We might fight a lot, and it certainly hasn't been easy, but no one else could put up with our idiosyncrasies. No one else could ever love me the way that you do. Even if we parted, I know in my heart that any other man would just be a replacement, a facsimile. It's always been you, and it always will be."

My eyes filled with tears and the hot salty liquid slipped down my cheek. I remembered writing that after one particularly rough argument. I had hidden it in his sock drawer, under his dress socks. I was ashamed. My cell phone rang from inside, and I just let it. I couldn't look at Will.

"I'm so sorry, Will," I whispered.

"All the hesitations that were in my mind were exemplified when I read that. I had made myself forget you and me, because it hurt too much. I had only found a replacement, but she was nothing like you."

I continued to cry, burying my face in my hands. Will tried to search my covered face.

"Did you?"

I just nodded my head in shame. What had I done? In my inebriated state, I had allowed myself to try to replace him. Will's face contorted into a pained expression. I pulled the white jewelry box out of my pocket and placed it on the table in front of me.
"I don't deserve this. And I'm not going to ask for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve that either," I said, choking through my tears.

Will just stared at the box on the table.

"Will I ever be happy?" he asked, reaching out and picking up the box.

"I'm so sorry."

"I know you have to meet Adam for work. I'm going to go get some breakfast, walk around, think."

"Will?"

"Not now, Abigail."

I watched him pull a cigarette out of the pack and lay it in front of me. Then, I watched him walk out the door.

I picked up my cell phone and listened to my voicemail, of course it was Adam.

"Abby, honey, I hope you got home safely. Call me."

I dialed his number.

"Abby?"

"Hi, Adam."

"How are you feeling?"

"Physically ok. But mentally, not so good. Adam, I never should have slept with you."

There was silence on the line, and then he laughed.

"Don't laugh! I feel like a whore."

"Abby, we've been kind of dating for what, six months now? It's not a horrible thing that we slept together. And it's not like it was the first time."

"It is horrible," I said quietly.

"Why?"

"It's a long story."

"You have a boyfriend?"

"Well, no. It's Will, he's my ex."

"I'm sure he'll forgive you eventually. I'm sure he's slept with other girls."

I thought of Amanda. The very idea made me want to puke.

"I'm worried about what I did."

"Abby, if he loves you, he'll let it go. I gather that means we're over."

"I'm sorry Adam."

"Hey, it was fun while it lasted. Just a shame, because the sex was fucking incredible."

"Oh, shit!"

"It's all coming back to you, isn't it."

"Shut up, Adam."

"Oooh, testy."

I laughed. He was right, but I still felt terrible.

"Look, I've got to go. I've got to right some wrongs."

"We still need to discuss the art."

"Fine, when?"

"You've got an hour."

"Ass."

I hung up the phone then tried calling Will. It went straight to voicemail. I knew I had hurt him. I had to fix it. I tried again, still no answer. Finally, I left a message.

"Will, it's me. I ended it with Adam, not that it was ever really there in the first place. Please, call me when you're ready to talk."

I hung up the phone and sat there on the bed, waiting for the phone to ring, but it never did. I kept hoping he could forgive me. After all, he had slept with Amanda, on several occasions. Not that I liked to think about it. I began to think. Is this what's best for both of us?

An hour of waiting passed and I went downstairs to catch a cab. I pulled up to the Decaydance offices and went upstairs. It was semi-tense between Adam and I. But, I made it through the meeting. I set up my next appointment with Adam for two weeks later with the final drafts. Then, I returned to the hotel. The time was rather uneventful.
I sat there, waiting, hoping. But, nothing came. Midnight passed...one o'clock...two o'clock...three o'clock. No Will, no call, no answer. I gazed at the full ashtray and finally, I gave up and went to bed.