We Must Be Careful Who We Pretend To Be

"Surprise!"

I glared at Ellie. She had just called me out of my bedroom. I was wearing a ratty Radiohead t-shirt and jeans, hair in a messy bun, no make-up. I smiled falsely, hugging people. Ellie had invited everyone I knew in Boston. I said my hellos and made my way over to the kitchen, grabbing myself a beer. I then snuck out onto the patio for a smoke. But, I wasn't alone.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked bitterly.

"Nice to see you too Abigail."

I squinted at Will.

"So, you started smoking again too?" I asked.

"Yeah...probably shouldn't have."

"I said the same thing."

"I'm really surprised to see you here," I remarked.

"Well, I can't hold it against you forever, can I?"

"I thought you would."

There was silence. Ellie came out.

"Ugh! Gross. People are looking for you. You should come in."

"Yes, mommy."

She stuck her tongue out at me.

"Ah, I guess I should go."

"See you inside."

I went inside and did some awkward socializing, downing beer after beer. The socialization became much easier the more buzzed I became. I know what you're thinking. I learned my lesson, ok! When I drink, I stay away from guys. Finally, people began to leave. Last out the door was Will. That sobered me up quickly.

"Happy birthday, Abigail. It was good seeing you."

"You're leaving?" I asked with a frown.

"Yeah, looks like the party's over."

"Ok."

He started to walk away.

"Hey," I called.

Will stopped.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to hang out? Smoke, drink a beer, listen to some music?"

He hesitated.

"I don't know. Are you going to make me listen to sad bastard music?"

"You've been talking to Ellie."

He laughed.

"Of course. She keeps me well informed."

He came back inside and shut the door. I began to feel better. We headed back to the patio, the site of so many of Will and my discussions. We lit up and sat in silence.

"Sooo you quit Decaydance?"

"Ummm, yeah."

"I thought you loved that job."

I sat quietly, thinking of the right words to say. But, I couldn't.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I thought you wanted to talk."

"I do, just not about that. So, what have you been up to?"

"Oh, just enjoying the first summer without classes in years. I mean, it's not like I have anything else to do. But, that's what's nice, having nothing to do."

"I know. For the first time ever, I know."

"Really, what are you doing with yourself with no work?"

"I think Ellie filled you in on that."

"Why did you quit?" he pressed.

"Will, we're talking again. I don't want to ruin that."

"Abigail, our relationship couldn't be any worse."

"Fine. I loved that job, but I loved you more. See, I told you that you didn't want to know."

He cleared his throat.

"So, this is your way of proving yourself."

"I'm just trying to make things right."

"Oh, Abigail."

"Oh, Will?"

"You're counting on me to give in, aren't you?"

"I know you."

"Well, I'm not rushing into anything."

"Can we just start hanging out and see where it takes us?"

"You know I can't stay away from you," he murmured.

"You don't have to sound so pissed off about it," I joked.

"I guess I just have poor taste in women."

"Hey!"

He just laughed. I guess it took my massive mistake to realize how much I missed that laugh. I just smiled to myself.

"What are you smiling at?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing."

"No, really. What?"

"Just the way you laugh."

"What's wrong with the way I laugh?"

"Nothing," I smiled.

"So, I never gave you your birthday present."

He handed me an envelope. I opened it and read the card inside, smiling at Will's signature. Inside was a ticket.

"Bright Eyes? Awesome!"

"I'm going too. I bought two tickets."

"So…we're going?"

"Yup."

"Ok," I nodded quietly.

"Don't make more of this than it really is, Abigail. I still don't trust you."

All of a sudden, our playful banter stopped. It was back to the same awkward silence from earlier. I leaned forward and picked up another cigarette. I lit it and inhaled deeply.

"Will, I screwed up, ok? Are you going to continually bash me, or are you going to give me a chance?"

He stood up and headed towards the door.

"I think it's time for me to go home," he said quietly. "I'll meet you at the show on Friday."

I didn't even acknowledge him. So, he walked out the door. A few minutes later, Ellie stepped outside.

"Babe, put that out, I want to talk."

I put out the cigarette and she sat down net to me.

"So, did you enjoy your birthday party?" she asked.

"Sure, it was fine. So how much did you have to pay Will?"

"What?"

"I mean, he didn't seem to really want to be here."

"Give him a chance babe, you really hurt him."

Once again, like clockwork, the tears began. And for the first time, I let it out.

"God! He slept with Amanda! I just don't understand why he can't give me a chance! Maybe we just aren't meant to be."

Ellie put her arms around me.

"Abby, I don't know what to tell you. I can tell you this, Will wanted to come tonight. He really does care about you, that's why he's so hurt."

"He just doesn't seem to realize that this is hurting me even more. I have to deal with this horrible guilt. I feel like a whore and he makes sure of it. Sometimes I wish I could just be with Adam, it would make life so much easier."

"But you don't love Adam. Will didn't love Amanda. Just give him time."

I grabbed a cigarette, my signal for her to go.

"Don't say anything," I growled.