When You're Not Around

The vibrations roll through my body and crowd’s screaming make my ears nearly bleed, but a smile has been on my face since we stepped onto the stage in front of the biggest crowd we’ve ever played. I watch as a guy floats on top of the crowd, and at the perfect moment screams, “I love you!”

I laugh and take a step toward my mic, “Hey, we love you too!” They all reply with a yell that’s better described as a roar, and before I know it, the guy is being hauled off the crowd by the security guard. I let out a breath, shooing a wisp of hair from my face.

“Wow. I can’t even begin to tell you all how amazing you guys have been tonight! I never want to walk off this stage, but Brighter has to play at some point right?” Another satisfying screech. “I hope the rest of the tour is at least half of what tonight has been, because let me tell you, North Carolina, you have set the bar so high for the rest of the shows.” More yelling. “So I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of our hearts, from everyone up here on stage, thank you for making tonight so insanely incredible! We hope to see you around. This will be our last song, so I want to see everyone going nuts!”

I pause and let the music and yelling overwhelm me. I close my eyes and let my hands drop to my sides, a fulfilled feeling washes over. The chords of our most popular song starts, and once again the crowd loses it, in an eruption of screams. The biggest smile spreads across my face, as the audience and I sing at the same time,

“Tear stained and lost at night.
You were the one who picked a fight…”

_______

We are greeted with high-five’s as we run off the stage. The yelling doesn’t seem to stop, even as we navigate through the crowds off people who were standing side stage.

“Holy shit, that was awesome!” Travis exclaims, and goes to pat the three of us on the back.

“My ears dude! My fucking ears!” Landon’s voice booms through the hallway.

I laugh and make an expression that mimics my mind being blown and then jump up to high-five Landon, who in return, grabs my waist, and throws my over his shoulders. I don’t complain, instead start to throw my hands all over his back, in a mock drum solo.

Gabe turns to Landon and flashes him a smile, “I’ll race ya,” Before I can get off Landon’s back, his running down the hallway with Gabe right next to us. I am flopping against his back, and it takes everything in me to not add tears from laughter to my sweaty face.

Just as we round the corner to the dressing rooms, an all too familiar tumult of brown hair comes from the other side of the hallway. My breath catches in my throat, and my heart starts to pound faster than it already was. Something flashes across his face when he sees me thrown over Landon’s back but he doesn’t make any motion to say hello to the three of us. Instead, he breezes right past us, and keeps his head down and his back turned, as if we didn’t even pass each other.

Its then that I feel a panic attack coming on, and I need off Landon’s shoulders as fast as possible. My breathing gets labored, and my heart kicks it up another ten notches. My thoughts start to get fuzzy, and I am not sure how to think straight.

“Put me down! Put me down right now!” I bang my fists on Landon’s shoulder blades. In a quick motion, I go from over his shoulders, to on the cold cement floor. I drag myself over to the wall, and pull my legs up to my chest. My sweaty hair is plastered on my face, and I don’t make any movement to move it.

I see Gabe and Landon glance at each other, before Gabe crouches down to be level with me.

“Maci…” He starts, and reaches out to touch me. I slap his hand away, and try not to notice the look that spreads across his face.

I look back over to where Davis had just been walking, and notice how the rest of our band hasn’t yet caught up with us, and it occurs to me that they’re all probably talking with him. I wonder if I hadn’t been here, would he have at least said hello to Gabe and Landon? The answer is obvious.

Gabe sighs, “Come on Mace, please.” I violently shake my head. A groan escapes his mouth, and he slowly inches closer to me. “You give me no choice then.” Next thing I know, I am cradled in his arms.

“Don’t fight it Maci,” Landon pipes up, “We kind of need you this tour. Remember what we talked about the other day? How we’re all proud of you for being strong for this tour?” I nod, and watch him push open our dressing room door. Gabe plops down on one the couches, keeping me in his lap. Landon’s the one who crouches down in front of us, “We need you to be strong for this. Believe me, I know this going to be hard, and I respect every breakdown you’re going to have. We’re all here for you, if you want to talk to anyone about it. But we need you to try to not let him get to you, okay? Think about how awesome it was to be up on stage tonight. Do this for that feeling, that hour and fifteen minutes of pure happiness. I know you have it in you, you just have to get past all this,” We waves his hands in the air, and motions toward the hallway, “bullshit. Okay?”

My voice nearly squeaks when I speak, “Okay.”

He smiles, and puts his hand on mine. “We love you, just know that.”

Gabe kisses the top of my head, and Landon stands. The door opens, and the rest of the band and our management come in. “What an asshole,” Travis says under his breath, and I see Jason shoot him a stern look. Travis shrugs and sits down next to Gabe. It doesn’t take everyone else long to see me curled in his lap for frowns to appear on all their faces. Landon walks over to Jason, whispers something in his ear, waits for Jason to nod, and then pats his back, before walking out of the room.

“So,” Jason clears his throat, “that was a great show guys.”

_______

“It was just such a Davis thing for him to do. You know?” I say, and kick a rock from the path I had been pacing. It took me a good twenty minutes to really calm down in the dressing room, and after doing so, I decided I needed to call Rei, my older sister, and talk to her about it.

“I don’t know Maci, I am not that surprised. I mean, its not like he was going to come prancing down the hallway when he saw you, and take you into his arms.”

“I know Rei, that’s what I am saying. I just at least wish he would’ve acknowledged the fact that Landon and Gabe were there. No, you know, what I really don’t get it, is that he sent me that goddamn text message, saying he was excited to see me, and then walks right past me, it just doesn’t make sense.” I groan. The phone is pressed against my ear and my shoulder, and its not until I look down that I noticed I am tracing the tattoo. I shake my head and put my left hand in my back pocket to stop myself.

Rei pauses and sighs so loudly it makes a whooshing sound in my ear, “You know you’re killing the guys. They hate to see you like this, especially on tour.”
“I know, I just…I know.”

The door opens behind me, and out comes Travis. “Hey, Mace?”

I hold up a finger to tell him to wait. “Rei, I have to go, Travis needs me. I’ll call you back later.” I hear her start to protest while I pull the phone away from my ear and hit the end button. “What’s up, Trav?”

He sends me a small smile, “I was talking to Trevor before, and he said that you agreed to watching their set this afternoon. I am going to head over there now, and if you’re up for it, do you want to come? I mean, Trevor said you guys had a deal. You’d watch their set, if he watched ours, and he did but if you don’t want to, I think he would understand.”

“No, I’ll go. I have to put my big girl pants on at some point, right?” I tease and walk over to him, stuffing my phone in my back pocket.

He gives me a real smile and drapes his arm over my shoulders, “If it gets to be too much, just tell me and we’ll bail.” I nod and bite my lip. I questioned whether or not it would be too much. One panic attack was enough for me for the day, but I let Trevor lead me toward the stage anyway.