Get Tangled Up In Me

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

I sat staring at my wall in silence. It was Saturday morning. I had woken up in Jared’s bed kind of early and peaked down the stairs to see him resting on the couch. I looked out the window to see that my mother had still not returned. I wasn’t worried.

I finished cleaning up the small messes Gerard and I missed in my room yesterday, and put my sheets in the wash. I looked around my room desperately. I couldn’t find it. Anywhere. Maybe he took it with him, I was desperate. I had to convince myself anything at that point. After I was satisfied that my room was spotless, I started pacing.

I don’t know for how long, but I do know why. I felt the need flow through me. I needed my crack, my addiction. I gave up with the pacing and ran to my desk emptying all the drawers, wanting, no needing my next fix. Because that’s what it felt like. I felt like a fucking pothead.

I couldn’t rest until I had that sharp metal piece in my hands. I couldn’t live with myself until I felt the pain sere through my body. I couldn’t breath until I bleed. I couldn’t find it.

I was desperate again. I searched everywhere else. All my hiding spots. But it was all gone. I ran my hand through my hair and bit my lip my eyes eating up the view in front of me, searching for a place that they hadn’t found. I walking in circles with my eyes wide staring at nothing until I got so dizzy I fell.

“Stop Raven.” He said from my doorway. I looked up at him with my tear stained face in surprise.

“What are you doing here?” I accused eyeing him weirdly. He pointed down to the basket in his lap. I gasped. Everything was there. My razors, my drugs, my drinks, even a few loose cigarettes. He had found everything. Some of it was years old, mostly the drugs, left over from Frank and I’s pot days. Some of it though, were from more recent times.

“I told you I would help you didn’t I?” He asked evenly, all emotion strained out of his voice. He was being so cold, but I could see everything in his eyes. He could never hide from me there.

I crawled over to where he had seated himself slowly, kneeling in front of him. I felt more tears form in my eyes as I blinked up at him, all muscles in my face slacking, becoming soft and sad.

“Gerard,” I whispered putting my hand on his leg desperately. “Gerard please. Please give it to me. I can’t live without it.”

“No,” He replied just as coldly, but in his eyes I could see him break down just a little bit.

“Please Gerard,” I begged in a low tone. “You love me don’t you?”

“More than anything Raven. That’s why I have to do this,” He whispered stroking my face. I smirked to myself. I had him right where I wanted him.

“Gerard if you really loved me you wouldn’t let me be in this pain. You’d let me cut. I wasn’t hurting anybody.” I accused softly. He snorted.

“Bull shit Raven. You hurt yourself, you hurt your brother, and you hurt me.” He cried. I felt a stab through my heart and I tried to keep back my frustration.

“Please Gerard, please!” I sobbed , letting my face fall into his lap. I glanced up at him and saw his cold expression had returned. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“I fucking hate you!” I screamed jumping up off of the floor and away from him. “You have no idea what it’s like! You don’t know what it’s like to be me! You take away the one thing I need to do to be human! Your so full of shit Gerard! I fucking hate you and I want you out out out of my room NOW!” He wordlessly stood up with my basket full of goodies and walked out of my room, pausing at the door frame.

“I love you Raven. That’s why I have to help you.” He whispered tears forming in his eyes. I just collapsed on my bed and ignored him. I was such a liar. I could never hate him.

I sat on my bed for a while longer, staring at my empty ceiling, slowly falling asleep. Suddenly I heard low voices coming from downstairs but I wasn’t sure if it was me almost being asleep or if they were really there, but I listened.

“I guess she didn’t take it so well?” Somebody mumbled, voice filled with hurt. I realized with a pang it was my Jarbear. I had hurt him.

“I can’t stand seeing her like that,” Gerard answered. I could hear the sound of his cries muffled by Jared hugging him.

“I know your in love with her, Gerard.” Jared said after the crying had stopped. I felt shocked by his assumption.

“I’m surprised more people can’t see it,” Gerard sharply laughed. It wasn’t his usual carefree laugh that I loved. It was a laugh full of self-hatred. I couldn’t stand it.

“Gerard, I’m know she loves you too. I hear her mumble your name in her sleep. Whenever somebody mentions you she gets all googly eyed. One day she’ll thank you for this. One day we can tell her you didn’t leave once since I called you.” Jared sighed. “One day we’ll know what really happened in that bedroom. When she’s ready.” I heard the sob come out of Jared’s mouth and it muffled by fabric. I was glad Gerard was there to take care of my brother when I wasn’t.

I would get better. For them.