Get Tangled Up In Me

Don't wanna figure this out,

I stared at my ceiling counting to hundred in German. It was the only thing I could think of that bored me enough to fall asleep, and it wasn’t working. I had expected Gerard to call me after he got home, but my phone stayed silent beside me. In fact every time I’ve called him it went straight to voicemail. I didn’t understand what I did wrong.

I felt a spasm of fear run up my spine as I contemplated why he would be so mad at me. The only possibility would be if he somehow had found out about Billy, but that was impossible. Dani would never do that to me. Would she? I felt tears prickle my eyes as I realized she would if she thought it was best. But I’m just being a worry-wart. Nothing is happening.

I decided sleep wasn’t going to come anytime soon and decided to creep downstairs. My dad was sitting on the couch staring at the wall, the TV on mute, my mother nowhere to be found.

“Oh hey hun,” My dad said looking up with a smile as I curled up next to him. “Can’t sleep?” I shook my head and cuddled up to him. He put his arm around me and I felt like I was seven again, without a care in the world.

“Mom’s drinking again,” I said.

“I know.”

“I didn’t want to worry you.”

“I know.”

“Are you mad?” He stopped to consider the question.

“I’m disappointed in her. I wished for better, but honestly I expected this. It’s not to bad though, is it?” He asked worriedly. I decided to lie and I shook my head. He seemed satisfied and we sat in silence again.

“So what’s with this Billy guy Gerard was telling me about?” My back stiffened. “He your boyfriend?” He was teasing. I relaxed and let out a shaky laugh.

“Something like that.” I answered. He gave me a squeeze.

“Just be careful, alright? I’ve recruited Gerard as my eyes and ears, but I can still worry.” He sighed. “My little Chirp is all grown up.” I didn’t contradict him. I was more grown up then he thought. I was more grown up then I wanted to be.

I wondered what would happen if I told him. If I told him about the scars, and the bruises, and the fucks. I refused to think of anything Billy and I did as love. It wasn’t love. It was hate.

The only time I felt love was with Gerard. My Dad. Jared. When Gerard touched me I felt like everything was right in the world. Like I was good enough to be with him, even though I’m not. Even though I’ll never be.
“I will Dad. You worry to much,” I laughed lightly and yawned. “Well I’m finally off to sleep. Don’t stay up to late, we won’t want Santa to skip our house.” As the words went through my mouth I realized it was really Christmas Eve. I had gotten my Christmas present early this year.

“Night Chirp. See you bright and early.” I smiled and kissed his check before walking upstairs. I glanced at the mirror and smiled at my black cami and my really short white pj bottoms. I wasn’t surprised at all when I saw him on my bed.

“I was wonder when you would come,” I muttered turning on my light. He just stared at me. “So you know, I suppose?”

He was silent still, his green eyes filled with distrust, hate, and most of all worry.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked quietly. I rolled my eyes.

“Oh well that’d be a mood enhancer,” I replied sarcastically. “Just as we’re about to fuck, ‘oh by the way my boyfriend beats me and has raped me a number of times.’ That’d go over real well.” He stood up.

“So it’s true then? He’s… raped you?” He asked his eyes wide. I took a deep breath and turned to face something other than him.

“Well, I guess that’s what you’d call it.” I said lightly, my instincts coming in. “But it really wasn’t that big of a deal. He does not mean it. He loves me.” The lies were flowing out of my mouth faster and faster. Everything I longed to believe was out in the open.

“Oh sure Raven, because holding a knife to get the person you love to have sex with you is what all the kids are doing these days.” He grabbed my shoulders and twisted me around roughly. I winced away from him and he instantly let go of me with surprise. Tears were coming down both of our faces. “I’ll kill him.” He swore.

“What good will that do Gerard?” I whispered using my thumbs to wipe away his tears. “We’d just go to jail.”

“Not if we don’t get caught.”

This time I won’t let you bring me down
Won’t let you shut me out
This time I know, I don’t wanna think about you