Get Tangled Up In Me

In constantly having to present whatever face
you believe a person wants to see rather than your own.

The rest of the week went in a blur. Everyone came to visit. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to until I was certain about my decision.

I knew I couldn’t get an abortion. That wasn’t possible for me. It went against everything I believed in. There were three options. Have the baby, and keep it. Give the baby up for adoption. Or… I couldn’t even think it.

How strange it was to realize just months ago how easily I would have ended my own life, and now that I have as stable a reason as ever to so, I couldn’t even dream of it. It would be the same as an abortion, only ending in the death of two, instead of one.

But deep inside of me, I knew I couldn’t be pregnant. I don’t mean physically, I knew I was. I was starting to have morning sickness, and I hadn’t had my period in two months. I was even showing a little, now that I think about it.

What I mean is, I couldn’t be a month. Even in the few months of this… thing being in my womb. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t fit, emotionally and physically, to bring a child into this world. Especially how fucked up my world is.

So that leaves one thing. Adoption. Don’t worry, I have an excuse for that too, and this one is simple. I know I would never be able to give up my baby. Not ever.

“Raven,” I heard Gerard whisper. The weight on my bed shifted as he sat down. I pretended to be asleep. He pushed some hair out of my face. “I know your awake.”

I had been hiding in the dark, cool (as in cold) basement of his for the past three days. No one had bothered me, Mamma Way forbade it. She’s been through to much, she said. Give her some time. So they did.

All but Gerard anyway. The only person I truly didn’t want to talk to. He couldn’t leave me alone. The second it was just us, he would go on and on about my feelings. How was I taking the news? Was I tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Did I want to hurt myself?

I told him the only thing I wanted was for him to shut the fuck up before I fed his tongue to Mikey. He left in a huff.

But that was yesterday. So of course, here he is, yet again, wanting to talk about my feelings. I wanted nothing more then to roll over and shout at him. But I knew he just cared to much to even try to do that.

“So what?” I finally answered gruffly. I rolled over to the other wall. He sighed and crept closer to me. I felt claustrophobic.

“Raven, I know you don’t want to talk to me about this,” He said softly, laying beside me. “But I just want you to know, I’m here for you.” I instantly relaxed.

I didn’t mind Gerard being with me, in fact I preferred it. I was just so afraid of what he would say when I told him what I was thinking that I couldn’t handle talking with him. I just couldn’t.

I scooted closer to him, sighing as he wrapped his warm arms around my body. “You’re so cold,” He mumbled. I smiled and nodded into his chest.

“Sorry,” I giggled quietly. He shushed me and kissed the top of my head.

“Didn’t you miss this? I know I did,” He mumbled again, tiredly. I knew both of us hadn’t gotten much sleep since the incident. I kept us both up with my nightmares. It was amazing the rest of the house could sleep.

“I love you, Gerard,” I whispered. He mumbled something incoherent, but I could tell he was repeating my words. I snuggled up closer to him and fell into a deep dreamless sleep, the best I’ve had in a while. All because I felt safe in Gerard’s arms.