Complete Unknown

‘I don’t know my father.’

Most people cringe upon hearing that. They either genuinely feel bad, or brace themselves for the long, pitiful sob story that usually accompanies the line. Usually it’s the latter, but I try to avoid uttering such a statement because…

Because it’s not true. Technically, I ‘know’ my father. I know his name. I know what city he lives in. I’ve just never lived with him, or spent any time with him. So yes. I do know my father. While I don’t know what his favourite colour or food is, or his favourite football team, or any other inconsequential thing, I know that he is not here for a reason. I know he lives in a whole other state for another reason.

I know there’s another reason why he doesn’t ask to talk to me when he calls, too.

Reasons I, in all probability, would not like hearing, so I choose not to hear them at all.

But sometimes I wish I knew. I wish I could ask him why he doesn't care. Why he didn't want me.

I know enough to realize that I am better off without him. I’ve gone through enough, seen enough, heard enough and fucked up enough in my fifteen years of living to know he is better off without me, too.

To me, Brian Haner Jr is just a name without a face. I would much rather have him be a complete unknown, regardless of what anyone thinks.

And that fact is not about to change.