Just Whisper, I Can Find You In A Crowd

I was going to spend most of the day cleaning up the apartment to move, I had to be out of here by 3, it was now noon and I had many things to do. I kept telling myself that I needed to get my mind of John. Sitting around in my self-pity wasn’t going to clear my mind and move on.

Moving on seemed impossible, it was John, he was amazing, he was so sweet and I feel as if I fucked him over. I spent so much time with John, great times with John that I forgot that my time here was limited, I guess I didn’t really fuck him over; it just felt as if I did. Either way I fucked up and John was never going to forgive me. Truth be told, I didn’t blame him if he never did.

I managed to clean most of the apartment before the moving van had come. I finish cleaning the living room and sit on the floor watching as the moving men moved my packed belongings to the van. I look over the empty apartment, remembering nights with John when he’d sneak out to see me.

“Is that all miss?” asks a voice that pulled me from my thoughts. It was one of the moving men.

“Yes, should be” I reply standing up and brushing the residue from the floor off my clothes.

“We’ll be waiting outside when you want to leave” the man insures me.

“Can you give me like, an hour?” I ask. “I have to do something, real quick”

“Sure” says the man. “The guys and I will just go out for lunch”

“Okay meet me at the Arizona State Mental Institute in an hour, then we’ll leave” I say as Grab my purse and keys from the kitchen counter.

I follow behind the men out the door to the parking lot. I had to go back to the hospital to say good bye to everyone that I’ll miss. I was going to try my best not to cry and try my best to avoid John’s room. It’d be better that way for the both of us.

I turn into the hospital. It seemed a lot emptier, plainer, more…..depressing. But all that stuff was probably because I was depressed and empty. I played it off and walked into the hospital being greeted by the secretary which was a great start to this journey I had to do before I left the state.

I walked the halls scanning the rooms to find Kennedy and Garrett; they were really nowhere to be found. Typical them, I swear. I went ahead and went to Sam’s room. I had to say my last goodbyes to her.

I knock on the door before entering to see Sam sitting on her bed watching television. She turned and her face lite up as she ran over to me pulling me into a hug. She acted as if she hadn’t seen me in years.

“Ash!” she screamed. “I thought yesterday was your last day!”

“It was, I just had to come back to tell everyone goodbye.” I explain.

“Oh” she giggled, taking a seat back on the bed. “Did you say goodbye to John yet?”

“No!” I shout “and I don’t plan on it!”

“You can’t leave without telling him goodbye Ash!” she shouted “that’s just not right!”

“He doesn’t want to see me Sam!”

“You don’t know that!” she argued “He might be waiting for you right now!”

“I doubt that Sam, I really do!” I chuckle. “I’m probably the last person he wants to see right now”

“You don’t know that until you try” she says “Just go to his room and see”

“I might” I chuckle “But first, I want to spend time with you!”

“No!” shouts Sam “go see John first! Go! Go on!”

“Sam” I whine

“Don’t whine” she scolds. “Just do as I say!”

I sigh deeply before turning and walking out the door. I walk very slowly down the hall. I was defiantly taking my time on this one. I finally get to the door and there’s me just standing there. As if the door was magically going to open by itself and John was going to be standing there with open arms. Like that was going to happen.

I get the nerve to knock on the door. I wait a few minutes and there was still no answer. I knock a couple more times before noticing the door was unlocked. I turned the handle and I peek my head into the door. The room looked empty and it didn’t seem as if anyone was in there.

“John” I yell. “Are you in here?”

Still no answer. I walk into the room, no one was in there. I was over to the bathroom, still no one. Maybe he was walking around, or in a meeting. Truth be told, I had no idea in hell where he could have been.

“Ash?” asks a familiar voice from behind. “What are you doing here?”

I turn to see Kennedy standing in the doorway. “I uh, was looking for John”

“Your last day was yesterday” he says scratching at the back of his neck.

“Oh” I chuckle. “I came back to say goodbye again”

“Oh, okay” he laughs “No, but uh John is out”

“Out?” I ask. “Out with whom?”

“I can’t really discuss patients with you” he sighs. “I’m sorry Ash”

Kennedy must have saw the look on my face and sensed that I was sad.
“But I mean, I guess I can let it slide this one last time” he chuckles. “He’s out with Jared, Ash; he won’t be back for a couple hours”

I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. I didn’t have a couple hours; I had like 20 more minutes. “O-oh okay” I choke.

“Are you okay?” asks Kennedy; concerned.

“Y-yeah” I stutter “I-I’m fine”. I lost it, the tears started to come. Kennedy ran over and pulled me into a hug.

“shh don’t cry” he says trying to comfort me “It’ll be okay”

“I-I just d-didn’t get to say g-goodbye to John” I choke out hugging Kennedy harder.

I could tell Kennedy didn’t have any words to say about my situation, more like he didn’t know what to say. It didn’t matter because he hugging me was enough. It was comforting and that’s all I needed right now.

We stood there in a hug for a while before Kennedy made me sit on the bed but still had me in a hug. We must have been in that hug for another five minutes before we let go. Kennedy wiped the tears from my eyes as he smiled his little gapped tooth smile.

“Better now?” he questioned.

“Yeah, I think so” I say sitting up and wiped the rest of the tears away. “I have to be going, the moving men have to be out there waiting for me.”

“Okay” he says. “Goodbye Ash”

“Goodbye Kennedy” I say as I get up and give him one last hug before leaving the room.
I walk back to Sam’s room and say my goodbyes and continue my search for Garrett. I finally spotted him in the break room eating his lunch. I still didn’t know what I thought of Garrett still, but I thought I at least still needed to tell him goodbye.

I walked out into the parking lot, the moving van sat there waiting for me. I hope I didn’t make them sit out here for too long. I find my car and continue my way back to Ohio. This was the hardest part right here, I tried my best not to look back at my home for the last 3 months, and I tried not to think of the greatest person alive that I’m leaving behind.