Just Whisper, I Can Find You In A Crowd

It had only been about three hours since I was back at home in my dorm. It felt weird being back in Ohio. I just couldn’t shake the feeling of not being able to say goodbye to John. How could I concentrate on school and having fun with that constant reminder? I was going to spend this year in a blur and I knew it.

I was half unpacked when a knock came from the door. I put down a shirt I had begun to fold and walk to the door; opening it up to Eric Halvorsen, my best friend from here. He pulls me into a hug.

“Oh god!” he squeals “I’ve missed you so much!”

“I missed you too” I reply.

“How was Arizona?” he asks pulling away.

“It was nice” I shortly reply.

“I told you it wasn’t anything great” he chuckles. Eric was from Arizona, but moved up here to be closer to his sister that moved her last January.

“I mean, it was nice, it really was, and it was a great experience “I say with a half-smile “Really”

“Chill Ash” he chuckles. “I was questioning your answer”

“I was-“he cuts me off.

“Don’t worry about it” he laughs “Let’s go do something”

“Like?”

“I don’t know, you hungry?” he asks.

“Starving”

“Good” he smiles “let’s go”

**************************************************************

We spent the whole time to the restaurant talking about life and catching up about over the summer, Eric was my best friend for many reasons, I could name all those reasons but it’d take forever, so long story short, I could tell him everything and know he wasn’t going to tell anyone.

“So he never even said good bye to you?” questions Eric as we circled the parking lot looking for a place to park.

“No!” I reply “I don’t blame him though”

“Why?” he shouts “It’s not your fault!”

“Well I mean I did kind of fuck him over”

“In what way Ash?” he questions “I mean he knew it was an internship, you’d eventually have to go home”

“I know, but I probably should have done things different”

“Maybe, but I don’t think you did anything, wrong.” Admits Eric “Besides, it’s his loss”

“His loss?” I chuckle.

“I mean, he loss you, that was his first mistake, because I mean you’re amazing, any guy would be lucky to have you”

Eric had this way of making me smile all the time and make me blush, he was amazing but we tried dating once or twice but it never feels right, it’s more of a friend thing. I don’t want to ruin a friendship with lovey dovey couple shit. And we both agree on that.

“Shut up Halvo!” I shout smacking his arm “I hate when you do that!”

“What?” he laughs “Tell you the truth?”

“No, make me smile”

“You know you like it” he chuckles. “At least it works”

My phone starts vibrating in my pocket, I didn’t know whether to answer it or not. I went with my judgment; kind of thinking it was John and answers it anyway.

“Hello?”

“Ash?” asks a frantic voice

“Yes?”

“It’s Kennedy”

“Oh, hey? Kenny, uh can you call me back later? I’m kind of busy”

“Well it’s an emergency”

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“John”

“What about him?” panic began to overcome me.

“Is there any way you can come to Arizona, like now?” he asks.

“Why? What’s wrong?” I push for an answer.

“Just come here” He says before hanging up.

I slowly stick my phone back into my pocket that conversation took me awhile to comprehend.

“What’s wrong?” asks Eric.

“Take me to the airport”

“Why?” asks Eric

“God Damnit Halvo! Just take me to the airport!”

He didn’t question me any further and speeded off to the airport. By the time I had gotten to the airport tears had stained my cheeks. Eric kept giving me a sympathetic look, I mean he really didn’t know what was going on; I didn’t even know what was going on.

I didn’t waste any time jumping out of the car. I had to catch the next flight before it left. I grab my purse and run towards the doors of the airport.

“Ash” says Halvo from behind.

I turn and walk back towards him. “Eric, I’ll be back tomorrow, just, there is something wrong with John and I can’t let something happen and leave it like it is”

Eric smiled and pulled me into a hug. “It is fine Ash; just go do what you have to do”

I hug him back tightly and then sprint to the airport. I ran through loads of people before running to the ticket purchase place and then run to the boarding area. It didn’t seem to long before I landed in Arizona. Kennedy had been waiting for me to take me with him.

“What’s wrong?” I ask as soon as I got in the car.

“John went back to his bad habits, and it doesn’t look good” he explains. “I don’t know if he’ll make it”

“W-what do you mean?” I stutter “bad habits?”

“He cut himself Ash, pretty bad; they can’t get it to stop bleeding”

They tears were again tugging at my eyes. I knew this would happen if I left, and this isn’t really even my fault but deep down I knew it wasn’t, but it still felt like it.

We pull up to the hospital and he lets me out, telling me the room number and floor to where he was. It seemed like days for the elevator to get to floor 10. I run down the hall looking for the room. After I found it I busted in. John was hooked up to so many machines, the sight was horrible and my heart dropped a little. I run to his side.

“John” I say nudging his arm.

He wakes up, starring up at me. “Hi” he smiled. “I got myself into some deep shit didn’t i?”

“Yeah” I smiled “You did”

“I’m sorry Ash, I’m sorry for this, for ignoring you, for being mad, I’m just so sorry”

“John, it is okay” I acknowledge “It’s understandable”

“No, it’s not okay Ash” he says half crying “You are my girlfriend and I should have been more understanding”

“I shouldn’t have left though” I reply sitting next to him on the bed “Or I should have taken you with me”

“It is fine Ash, I don’t want to spend my last moments arguing about what went wrong, all I care about is that you’re here now and that’s all I care about”

“Don’t’ say last moments John” I plead “Please don’t”

“But-“

“Don’t” I sternly reply “For me”

“Okay” he says “I won’t”

“Thanks” I reply “Hey John?”

“Yes?”

“I love you”

A smile spread across his pale face. “I love you too”

I lean down and kiss him. I missed that.

Before I knew it the sound of beeping and a lot of noise interrupted the quiet room. The doctors and nurses all ran in and tried to revive him, they tried and tried. The nurse grabbed me by my arm and walked me out of the room.

“Stay here” she said closing the door behind her.

I sat in the bench that sat outside the room, waiting for them to come out and say he’s okay. But I don’t think I could wait any longer.

The door opened to a nurse, she gave me a concerned looked and pulled me aside.

“Hun, we weren’t able to revive him, I’m so sorry” were her words. I felt like my heart exploded at that time, tears over ran my eyes and I dropped to my knees. This wasn’t happening. It was a dream, a nightmare.

“Ash?” asks Kennedy spotting me and running down the hall to me. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s dead” I shortly reply between breaths of air.

“W-what?” asks Kennedy

“John is dead Kennedy!” I half shout.

Kennedy drops to the ground and wraps his arms around me pulling me into a hug. “Shhh” he comforts as he rocks along the ground with me.

I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I was devastated. I didn’t even know what to do next. And the only thing in the back of my mind was, it was my fault. Even though it wasn’t.