Have Faith in Me

Everything around him resembled a blur. It was like a horrible case of tunnel vision; the only things seen being Jimmy’s fleeing form, and that room, the room they were all running for. Something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong. There was no other explanation as to why Jimmy would be reacting the way he was.

“What’s going on?” Brian’s voice spoke somewhere off in the distance, but Matt didn’t answer, because he himself didn’t even know for sure what was transpiring.

Matt wondered briefly, upon glancing at the surrounding area, just why in the hell all these doctor’s were sitting around. It was obvious something had happened to Jessica, so shouldn’t everyone be making a beeline for her room this very instant? He wanted to scream at them; tell them to get off their sorry asses and do something, but his throat felt strangely compressed, like someone was squeezing the very life out of him.

Jimmy disappeared from view seconds later, as he’d already made it back to the room and entered. Matt sped up his pace just a little, and he heard the footsteps behind him do the same.

“Something’s wrong, something’s wrong,” Matt muttered, feeling his heartbeat quicken. He broke off for a run in the last bit of hallway he had left, and skidded to a halt outside the room.

“Shit,” Brian exclaimed, stopping just short of running into the larger man. He glanced at Matt, who stood there completely frozen with a look of unfeeling on his face, before turning his gaze to the room in front.

Jimmy stood at the foot of the bed, blocking the view of his sister, and the eldest Sullivan’s stood on either side of it. Matt’s eyes widened, still having no clue what was going on, and a slight whimper he didn’t mean to emit broke through his lips. Jimmy turned swiftly at that, appearing as though he’d forgotten the men were on their way. Matt met the drummer’s eyes, and to his complete and utter surprise, the older man gave a soft smile. Matt furrowed his brows as Jimmy stepped to the side, and suddenly, the singer felt his stomach drop down to his knees.

“Oh, my God,” He gasped, and his feet propelled him forward at a lightning fast speed. “Jess.”

Eyes open, totally aware of her surroundings, awake; Jessica Sanders turned her gaze to the infinitely relieved man now standing by her side. Matt, who stood in the place Mr. Sullivan had just vacated on his behalf, took his wife’s hand in a vice grip and finally let the long awaited tears slip down his cheeks.

“You’re awake. You’re okay. God, Baby, you don’t know how worried I was,” Matt babbled, reaching out his other hand to stroke her cheek. Jessica sighed and leaned into the touch, smiling softly.

“I’m glad you’re here,” She told him. The tone of her voice wasn’t exactly cheerful, but it was obvious what she’d said was true. “I’m glad you guys are here, too.” She looked to Brian, Zack, and Johnny; they smiled big at her and walked forward more.

“You gave us a scare there, sweetheart,” Zack spoke, voice gentle and loving.

“I’m sorry,” Jessica replied, and the others simply smiled as she sounded absolutely mournful for causing them any kind of turmoil. “I wanted to wake up and come back to you all, but my heart and mind told me otherwise.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re fine now and that’s all that matters,” Jimmy said, reaching out to give her blanketed ankle a light squeeze of reassurance. Jessica met his eyes and smiled.

Matt, watching her closely, felt a sudden pang of jealousy. When Jessica looked at him, he could tell she was happy to see him, but the expression on her face wasn’t what he expected from his wife. Sure, she smiled and batted her eyelashes lovingly; but when she looked to Jimmy, the expression of absolute happiness showed, just as it did for Brian, Zack, and Johnny. Why was he the only one not getting that special attention? It didn’t seem right, didn’t seem fair after all he’d been through; waiting, hoping, praying for her recovery for hours, possibly days. Something was wrong.

Jessica glanced over at her husband after a few moments of silence, and an air of sympathy washed over her. He knew. He knew there was a problem. She wanted to slap herself for making it so utterly obvious.

“Guys,” She spoke, turning her gaze back to the group of people surrounding her. “Would it be alright if I had a few minutes alone with Matt?”

Jimmy narrowed his eyes warily, remembering every single detail as to why Jessica was here right now. He wanted to tell her no, that it probably wasn’t a good idea, that she shouldn’t trust Matt, but he couldn’t; not to her.

“Sure,” He spoke with a harrowing understanding. It appeared as though Mrs. Sullivan wanted to protest, but her husband placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a look saying, ‘Let them be. They need some time.’ She pouted, but quickly recovered and showed her daughter and son-in-law a small smile. Matt returned it, as did Jessica.

“I’ll be fine, Mom. Don’t worry, I’m okay now,” Jessica said. Mrs. Sullivan leant over to place a kiss on her daughter’s forehead, obviously not totally comfortable with leaving her alone after such a traumatic experience, but it was with a great amount of respect for the young couple that she did.

Everyone exited, with the eldest Sullivan woman being the very last, and she closed the door behind her. Jessica sighed, realizing they were now alone, and also realizing that now Matt wouldn’t meet her gaze. It made her feel awful, even more so because of what she was about to do.

“Matt,” She voiced quietly, giving the hand locked with her own a light squeeze.

“Hm,” Matt hummed in return.

“Look at me, please. Or are you still mad at me?” It wasn’t a question held with provocation. She genuinely sounded like she worried if maybe he still was.

At that, Matt’s head snapped up and he looked at his wife dejectedly. “No, Baby; I’m not mad at you at all. I’m worried about you. I’m worried about our little boy.” He rubbed over her stomach.

Jessica watched jovially. “He’s completely fine, surprisingly. A few doctors came in when I woke up, before Jimmy went to get you. They told me everything was okay and that he was the least affected by what happened.”

Matt nodded. “That’s good. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d have lost either of you.”

Jessica swallowed thickly and diverted her gaze elsewhere. Matt witnessed this, and that was pretty much when he knew what was coming.

“Tell me what’s going on,” He demanded, but his voice was gentle.

“What do you mean?”

“Jess,” Matt scoffed. “You forget that I know you probably better than anyone and-”

“No,” She interrupted suddenly.

“No, what?”

Jessica shook her head and pulled her hand away from Matt’s. She rubbed anxiously at her forehead and made a slight whimpering sound. She didn’t want to do this, but what else could she do?

“You don’t know me better than anyone, Matt; not anymore. Maybe before you did, and before I thought I knew you better than anyone; but I think we were just fooling ourselves with that notion.”

Matt furrowed his brows. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that…”

“You’re saying what, Jess? Just tell me.”

Tears filled her eyes, some slipping down her cheeks. Her chest ached and her stomach was beginning to do the same. She reached down and rubbed at the slight bump as if to calm it, and Matt did the same as he realized she was obviously experiencing some sort of discomfort.

“You need to calm down, for one,” Matt told her after she’d been quiet for some time and weeping. “I can tell you’re in distress and you need to just relax and tell me what you have to say.”

She nodded and took a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this, Matt. I really don’t.”

“Do what? You can’t just say that and not tell me what this is. I’m trying not to assume here because that usually only gets me in a world of trouble; so, please, tell me what’s going on.”

Jessica sighed, wiping at her cheeks. “We… You and I…”

“Yes?”

“Matt, we can’t be together.”

Even though he had a pretty good idea what she was going to say, Matt still couldn’t fight the cry of despair that left his lips. He dropped his head in his hands breathed heavily, as if trying to stop anymore unwanted tears from coming through.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” Jessica tried to tell him, reaching out to lay a hand on his head.

“Why? Why are you doing this?”

“Matt, I…” She paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I’m not going to sit here and say this is all your fault. But what I am going to say is that you hurt me. You hurt me worse than I think I’ve ever been hurt before, and that doesn’t just go away.”

“Baby, I said I was sorry,” Matt protested, taking his hands away so they could look at each other once more and revealing tear-filled eyes. His voice didn’t show the emotion he felt, because Matt had always been a hard ass, but his eyes told a different story.

“And I heard you tell me that. I heard everything when I was unconscious, and I appreciate you recognizing your wrong-doing’s in all this. But, like I said, that pain doesn’t just go away with a few words.”

“I don’t expect it to, Jess, but I also didn’t expect you to just make this decision on the fly.”

“I didn’t make it on the fly. That whole time I was asleep, I was thinking about everything that happened. That’s why I wasn’t waking up. You told me that I, that our relationship, was a mistake. In saying that, you also implied our son was a mistake. Matt, I crashed my car because of those words; because I was crying my eyes out and didn’t have control. I could have died. Our little boy could have died. Don’t you understand that?”

Matt stood from his chair at that and began pacing the room. His heart beat painfully in his chest and tears began to fall from his eyes…but he wouldn’t lose control; that much he knew for sure. Never again.

“I do understand that. Believe me, I do. But why would breaking up make any of that better? How would that benefit anyone, especially him?”

Jessica sighed. “It would benefit because it would give you time to get yourself together. You need to get your act together, Matt. You’re going to be a father and we can’t keep having these fights. We have to get the fuck over them before he’s born or we’ll end up scarring him for life.”

“Why are you acting like it’s just me who needs help, Jess? Look at you.” He stopped pacing and pointed at her left arm, where he caught a glimpse of the tell-tale cuts Jimmy had mentioned to him the previous day, before they found out about the accident.

She gasped a little, pulling said arm against her chest as though trying to hide it. “I’m not acting like it’s only you. I’m going to get help, too. We just…we can’t get better if we’re together, Matt. It’s obvious I’m some sort of trigger for you and when you get…the way you get…it’s a trigger for me.”

“But you’re not a trigger for me,” Matt pleaded, walking back to her side and carefully sitting on the bed next to her. “Please, I’m sorry for what’s happened between us.”

“I know you are,” Jessica replied. “But don’t you see? It took me nearly dying for you to realize what I mean to you. It shouldn’t have been that way. We should have been able to talk to one another and work through things without yelling and screaming.”

Matt whimpered and lowered his head so it rested on her chest. Jessica blinked back her own tears, because seeing Matt cry had never been easy for her and knowing the circumstances of this bout made it even harder.

“It’s going to be okay,” Jessica told him.

“It’s not. How can you say that? Do you even still love me?”

“Matt, of course I still love you. I just…I can’t trust myself with you right now. I can’t trust that you won’t hurt me again.” Jessica ran her fingers through his short hair, inhaling the sharp scent of his shampoo that she’d always loved.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel like this. If I could take it all back, I would.”

“I know. You are a good man, underneath it all. You just need to find your way again, that’s all.”

Matt nodded, lifting his head so he could look at her better. “So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I think it’d be better if…if maybe I went to stay with Jimmy or my parents. We need to be apart.”

“I understand. But what about…what about Mattie? Am I still going to be a part of his life?” The thought alone had Matt reeling even further. Not being a part of his son’s life? That was possibly the worst prospect of it all.

“Oh, Matt. I’d never keep you away from our son. You know that. Don’t even worry that far into the future yet, okay? We need to focus on now.”

“Okay.” Matt nodded. “I’m going to respect your wishes. I’ll do whatever you want me to. But don’t think this means I’m letting you go without a fight, because I’m not.”

Jessica smiled sadly. “I never once thought that.”

Matt laughed a little. She did still know him, if only just a little, and he still knew her. It was just, along the way, somehow they lost sight of what really mattered. Matt knew it was more so on his end than anything, but whatever the case, he was going to fix it. That was all there was to it; because Jessica and his son meant more to him than anything in the whole world, and he just couldn’t go on without them. There would be some hardships in between, and that was a given, but Matt realized he needed to get over them. He needed to do what was fitting in order to get things alright again. But, in the meantime, he also had to let Jessica do what she thought was best, and if that meant letting her go for a little while, he would.

With that in mind, he stood from the bed. Jessica watched him, a look of affection in her eyes at the way he was treating the situation.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

He leant down once more, laying a soft kiss on her forehead, before standing once more. “I think…I think maybe I should let everyone else have some time with you. I’m sure they’re itching to see you more properly.”

She smiled, giving the hand closest to her a squeeze. “Okay. Uhm…we’ll talk more later.”

Matt nodded. “I look forward to it.”

With that, he stepped away from the bed and turned toward the door. Before exiting, he threw one last glance to the woman whom had a vice grip on his heart like no other. They shared a connected look, one that let Matt know the feeling was mutual, and he couldn’t help but smile. She returned it, and he finally turned away, pulling the door open, and exiting.