Bittersweet Sundown

April 28, 2010

Dear diary!

I’m sorry my handwriting is so bad this time. It’s not easy to write while riding on a bus, it shakes pretty bad. I guess the road is really bumpy here. Anyway, I’m almost in Kansas City now. I’m so excited to see Dani at last. You know how much she means to me. I hope she feels the same about me.

Oh, I had to tell you that my bike got stolen in Nebraska yesterday, in Omaha. It sucks. I really loved my Fireblade :(

I called my insurance company and they promised to contact me after dealing with my case. I wonder how long will it take?

The bus had just arrived at the bus station and Ash waited patiently on her seat til all those rushing people hurried past her. She had never liked struggling masses of people, so she stayed behind and let all the others go first. She didn’t have to hurry. Finally, she stepped out of the bus, being the last person to leave. Light breeze going through her now very short hair felt amazingly good.

“Ashlee!” she heard her name called out in an unfamiliar voice. But she still raised her head a bit and looked ahead, to the long row of blue benches. There were two girls, waving like mad and jumping on the spot. Ash knew those faces and a smile found its way across her lips. Hurriedly, she half ran over to them and let her bag fall to the ground.

“Danielle. Pamela,” she greeted them both with hugs and stepped back to look at her friends closer. This was the first time she saw them in person. Sure they’d been communicating for two years now and Danielle was the most caring person in the world Ash had the pleasure to know, but they hadn’t never actually met before. They were so called Internet friends. Well, Ash and Dani at least. She weren’t so close with Pamela but she didn’t have anything against her either. They just didn’t write so much as she wrote with Dani.

And now she was here, visiting a friend who had become pretty important to her. And why now? Let’s just say, that because of all that shit she had been dealing for the last two months, Ash just needed a break far away from everything in her life.

“Wow, girl, you look amazing. This haircut is perfect on you,” Daniela complimented, admiring Ash’s hair. She reached out her hand and stroked them gently. Ash beamed from happiness. It had been a while since she felt happy from some reason.

“Thanks. You’re beautiful yourself babe,” Ash said, hugging Dani again. She just felt the need to do that.

“Well, let’s go then. My parents are excited to meet you,” Dani babbled, after taking Ash’s hand and pulled her out of the station. Pamela followed them silently, ​with a smile on her face.

After 20 minute ride they stopped in front of a beautiful two-storey house. It wasn’t big, but it looked cozy and warm. It looked homey. Ash left her things in the car for now. She didn’t know for sure yet, was she staying here. She didn’t wanna be a burden to anyone and she had enough money to get a hotel room if she needed to.

“Come on. Don’t be afraid,” Dani pushed her towards the front door. She was like a child in a candy store, so excited and full of energy. Ash smiled at her and let herself be pushed into the house.

“Mom, dad. We’re baaaack,” Dani yelled through out the house, making Ash laugh. She must be having great parents when they allowed her to scream like that, she thought, waiting for her friends family to arrive. Her mom had always scolded her instantly when she used a voice higher than regular talking would require. Few seconds later a woman appeared around the corner, shortly followed by a kind looking man.

“Well hello. You must be Ashlee. I’m Dana, Daniela’s mom,” a woman, with long, dark brown hair and a friendly round face, introduced herself, holding out her hand.

“Nice to meet you Mrs. Carson. Mr. Carson,” Ash shook their hands, smiling warmly at them.

“It’s nice to have you here at last. Daniela has been talking of you non-stop for days. Maybe she’ll shut up now,” Mr. Carson joked, smiling friendly at the girl in front of him.

“Well, I’ll see what I can do to make her shut up,” Ash promised, bowing her head with laughter.

“Oh, you have to see my room. And the room you’re staying. But you can stay in my room if you want to. I don’t mind sharing it with you,” Dani chatted happily, dragging Ash by the hand.

They climbed the stairs and after a moment, Ash found herself in an overly blue room. Everything was light blue, walls, floor, curtains, ceiling. Even bed sheets were blue, slightly darker shade than other things. Only furniture was white, other wise it would have totally melted into the room. She was instantly reminded of a song she’d once heard, about a boy who lived in a blue world and everything was blue for him, including himself. The lyrics got instantly stuck to her mind, repeating over and over again. There were some posters on the wall, next to the bed. All of them seemed to be of a same group of five men. It was a nice change for all this blue.

“Wow. It’s so blue,” Ash didn’t find nothing else to say. She looked around, lost of words.

“Yeah, you know blue is my favorite color,” Dani smiled, throwing herself across her bed, only to jump up almost immediately. “Okay, I’ll show you our guest bedroom also, then you can choose where you wanna stay.”

They walked across the hall and into the opposite room. It was in warm beige tones and Ash liked this much better. Dani’s room was just too blue to her liking. But she didn’t want to hurt her friend’s feelings, so she pretended to think about it.

“I think I’ll stay here. I don’t want to worn you out with being stuck with me 24/7. Although I do like your room more,” she lied, hoping that Dani didn’t catch that.

​“Fine, if you’re sure you wanna stay here,” Dani agreed. Ash couldn’t tell, was she hurt or not. They heard Dani’s mom calling from down stairs. Dinner was ready. After eating with the whole family, girls went back to the guest room, bringing Ash’s things up too.

“I’m suggesting you to try to go to sleep early tonight because tomorrow we’re gonna take you to a tour around the town. It’s gonna be a looong fun day,” Pamela said, smiling, surprising Ash a little. She had been quiet for all evening.

“I don’t think it’ll work but I can try,” Ash smiled back to her. Soon after that the girls left, leaving Ash alone for the first time in that evening. Sighing, she sat on the bed and just looked out of the window. Trees behind the window hid most of the view but it didn’t bother Ash at all. She was too far lost in her thoughts.

May 4, 2010
It’s been almost a week already. I’ve had so much fun here. And I love Dani, she’s like a younger sister to me. Sister I never had. I don’t wanna leave tomorrow but I know I have to. I have to go and find myself again.

Dani keeps me moving all the time, she finds us something to do for every minute of the day. I can barely think at all. Although I’m having so much fun, I need to make some decisions. And I need to make them on my own. I need to move on. But how far, I have no idea. I just feel the need to go. It’s like something is calling me and I just have to go find it.

I’m not going home yet, though Sean has been begging me to go back almost every day. I’m taking a little detour, via LA or some place near there. I HAVE to see the famous Californian beach :P

I miss Sean…

“Come on Ash. Do it for me then, please honey. It’s our last evening together and I wanna spend it with you,” Dani begged, clinging desperately to Ash’s arm. She had been begging her for an hour now and Ash was so tired of it that she was willing to give in just to get her to shut up.

“You know I can’t stand so much people, especially screaming teens,” she tried for one last time.

“I’ll hold your hand all the time, I promise. This is gonna be so awesome,” Dani sang happily, sensing her friends surrendering thoughts.

“Yeah, right,” Ash muttered darkly. It was gonna be a hell for her. She really didn’t like being in a crowd and now Dani was forcing her to go to a concert. What was even worse, this band had a lot of teen-aged fans. Screaming, crazy-ass teen-aged fans. Ash was sure that she’ll definitely die during the night.

“Come on, we have to find you something else to wear. You can’t go to a concert wearing only this small summer dress,” Dani dragged her to the guest room of her parent’s house, where Ash had been staying. Before Dani could dig through Ash’s bag, she stopped her.

“No honey, I am capable of finding my own clothes,” she said stepping in front of Dani.

​“But I only want you to look super sexy tonight,” her friend pouted.

“I choose what I’ll wear or I’m not coming at all,” Ash stated firmly. If she had to suffer all this insanity then at least she wanted to feel comfortable in clothes she liked.

“Fine. But hurry up, we have to get going soon.” And with that Dani left the room, leaving Ash on her own.

Not wanting to irritate her friend more, Ash shuffled trough her bag, pulling out black skinny jeans, dark red top with skulls on it and her favorite black hoodie. It had neon green skull on back and a row of small skulls going along the brim of the hood. It was one of a kind because she had it specially made. It was expensive but she got it just like she wanted. After changing her clothes quickly, she put on some eyeliner and mascara. This was all the makeup she used. Ash never bothered with foundations or powders, they were more trouble than it was worth. After putting on her necklace, armband and a few rings, she went to search her friend.

“I’m ready,” she said, finding Dani sitting in the kitchen.

“Good. Grab yourself something to eat and then we’ll go,” she advised Ash, finishing her sandwich after that. Ash dragged herself to the fridge and took a small cup of strawberry yogurt. She really didn’t have any appetite. Besides, there was pretty high chance that she was going to throw up later and that would be easier with an empty stomach.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything else?” Dani asked, sounding a little bit worried.

“Yes, I’m not hungry,” Ash said. She was trying to keep herself calm, she couldn’t let her nerves get the best of her already. That meant she couldn’t think what she was about to do.

“It’s not gonna be that bad, I promise honey,” Dani tried to soothe her.

“Yeah yeah. Let’s go then,” Ash said, standing up and throwing her now empty yogurt cup away. Dani got up too and they walked out of the house, to Dani’s car.

After picking up Pamela, they drove to the venue where the concert was at. There were already at least a hundred girls, waiting by the doors but it didn’t feel much. At least considering that there was going to be a few thousand girls more. They got in line and just waited. Soon somewhere in front of them, some girls got into a fight, yelling and screaming at each other. That’s why Ash didn’t like being in crowds, there was always gonna be some problem. She felt her nerves get uneasy and took out her iPod. Rest of the remaining hour she spent listening to some music, very loud to be precise.