I Keep on Running

I sunk lower in the bubbles and water that sat around my nude body, taking in the comforting warmth through my pores, and cuts. I needed this more than anything, something that could possibly relax me from everything that personally happened to me. If you looked down, you could see my now extremely flat stomach through some of the rainbow orbs; a hand over the scar that was still easily traceable. Biting my lip, my eyes closed as the tears just streamed down- nothing just got easier for me. I take my hands, brushing them through my silky smooth, wet hair that slicked back across my skull. I never knew it, but it still upset me more than anything, to lose it… I just wanted us to be happy together, but nothing just got better.

A few tears slip right off my chin, stabbing through some of the suds and colliding with the water below it. Slowly, I scoop up some of the bubbles with my hands, running them over my arms, feeling each and every crease in my some-what smooth skin. They needed to be cleaned; they stung as the soap seeped into them. I continue running my hands over my arms, fingertips tracing over each line, still running my hands all the way up to my stiff shoulders. The muscles ached. I tried rubbing them, tried pushing the knots from the muscles, but I couldn’t do it. Sighing, I threw my hands back into the water, the splash cutting through the silence like a knife.

I look at my stomach again, my lips trembling as another sob breaks through. My fingers run along the scar, feeling the bump. I needed to be quiet, sucking my lip into my mouth. But it was too late. I didn’t even hear the door open, or shut. Nor did I hear his heavy footsteps pad through the tiled floor. The next thing I knew, his hands were on my shoulders; fingers resting on my collarbone and thumbs rubbing forcefully into my traps. A faint smile appeared on my face, as I leaned my head back just a bit. It was enough for it to land on his jean-clad thighs. I looked to my right, seeing his legs hang off the side of the tub. I ran my hands through my hair again- I could just feel his eyes stare at my arms. But I didn’t care; Jorel understood what I was going through. It didn’t exactly give me the right to do the self-mutilation, but I did anyways.

“You know, it’s not worth the extra pain,” he says quietly.
I let my arms fall back in the water, hands crossing over my stomach. “I know,” I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
His thumbs continued to rub against my skin, it felt so good. A small moan of pleasure, not sexual, slipped through my open mouth. “Things happen for a reason,” he mutters lowly, trying to keep with the silent atmosphere.
My head bobs in a nod. “I know that. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be; for us to be happy.”
I can see his shadow float over the bubbles; his head shook back and forth. “Baby, you know we’re meant to be happy…,” he trails off.
“But why aren’t we?” I cut in, almost harshly. It scared me, how snappy I was.
His lips press against my wet hair. “I don’t know… I’m happy that I at least have you, Pay.”
I shudder, trying to hold back another sob. “J… I just wanted this. So bad…”
“I know you did, baby… I know you did. And I wanted it, too. But maybe this wasn’t meant to be, at this moment.”
More tears rolled down my cheek as I thought about what he said. He wanted this just as much as I had; yet, it was taken away from us. One step closer to being completely happy and it was just ripped away from me; from us. My head hung forward, his thumbs rolling at the base of my neck. “We can try again, Payton; whenever you’re ready.”
I lightly laughed at his comfort- when I first met Jorel; he wasn’t as comforting as he was now. Sure, he had his moments, but his friends always brought the attitude out from inside him. I don’t know what made him change; I don’t know what made me fall for him. I was glad he changed; Jorel was the man I knew I’d love, for as long as I could remember. I used to fall for the “bad boy” act, it was sexy. I liked him for that, but I honestly loved him for his compassion. “Thanks, Jorel. It-it means a lot,” my voice quavered.
“Anything for you, baby girl-” He cut himself off, when he realized what he said.

I felt my heart sink again; but I chose to be tough… “It’s okay. You… You didn’t have to stop yourself, Jorel.”
His hand movements never stopped. “I did. You have no idea how horrible I feel.”
I smiled small. This was the same man that I fell in love with; the man that cared for all my feelings and worries. I nod, “Okay.”
“I’m going to get changed, and head to bed. You should come with. It’s late; midnight,” he chuckles lightly.
I let out a small scoff, amused slightly. “Okay,” I mutter, slowly rising. I didn’t care if he saw me naked; he already has; numerous times, too.
I step out of the tub, bending down to let the water rush down the drain. I stand back up, grabbing the towel that hung in front of me. I turned towards him, drying my back first. I stared right into his brown eyes; he watched me. He wasn’t taking in the fact that I had perfectly round, D cup breasts, but the fact that I had a scar over my stomach. He looked at it, and I could see sadness fill his eyes- he wanted this as much as I had, that much I could tell.

I closed my eyes, wrapping the white towel over my body loosely, letting a half-smile graze my lips. He looked at me, and smiled back- I knew how much he loved to see me happy… But I wasn’t, not right now. He stood up, and cocked his head towards the door, signaling us to leave. I nodded, and I followed him out the door. He pulled a shirt of his from the drawer, handing it to me. I thanked him, dropping the towel and replacing it with the cotton. He liked his shirts big, and considering I was kinda short compared to him, it reached my mid-thigh. I grab a pair of boy shorts, and slipped them on. He just unbuckled his belt, his jeans dropping around his ankles. He stepped out of the pants, also taking off his red and black plaid over shirt, leaving him in just a black wife beater and boxers.

He moved the comforter, scooting onto the mattress to the far right, still holding the cover up for me. I grinned at his kindness, and lay down with him. He dropped the duvet around my body, his arms holding me close to him. So close, I could hear his heartbeat. I rested my head against his chest, but pulled away to look at him, watching me. I wasn’t creeped out; he always did this. It was comforting. His eyes softened even more, if that was possible, and he bent his neck towards me, his full lips pressing gently against my own. The kiss was touching, kind, and it warmed my heart up. It was a kiss that showed how much he loved me. Our lips moved slightly together. But it never went far; not that he or I wanted it to. I completely respected him for this. He pulls away, smiling down at me.

I sighed, almost happily, before he kissed me again shortly. I feel his hands slip inside his shirt I wore, running their ways down my stomach, his fingers running over the scar that rested there. He closed his eyes, frowning to himself as he thought about the moment they took our child away from us. I watched a single tear seep out from the corner of his eye, rolling down his chubby cheek. I kissed it away. His eyes opened when I placed my hands over his. “Goodnight, doll,” he says quietly, before rolling slightly to turn off the light behind him.
“Goodnight. I need to roll over on my other side,” he nods understandingly. He knows that my sides get uncomfortable quickly.
He loosens his hold so I could roll over, yet tucking myself back into his chest; a perfect spooning. His arms tighten around my waist again, a touch that I will forever love. He wants to make sure I’m safe and secure. “I love you, Payton,” he whispers in my ear before he kisses it lightly.
“I love you too, Jorel.”
I shut my eyes, listening to his breathing in my ear; feeling it against my back. He was the one person I could honestly listen to breathe, without having my OCD act up. It comforted me, more than anything in the world. Knowing he was here, always supporting me… Fuck it, he was my world. Our baby girl would have been an addition to all this; but she’s gone. I have him, though… That’s more than I could ask for.