I Keep on Running

Even though it had only been five days away, I could not believe how good it felt to be home. Everything is where I knew it would be, we were alone like always, and Jorel had even surprised me by cleaning up the house a bit. In each room, all the furniture had been dusted off- all the tables were spotless and had their own new decoration; stress relieving candles. A smile immediately breaks to the surface as I bent down to pick up one of them to smell. The faint aroma of vanilla and something you’d smell if you walked into your home as a child after your mother just baked treats fill my nostrils. I couldn’t get enough of it- I kept sniffing it to the point where Jorel had to take it from me, laughing mind you. As he placed it back down, I realize that the scent was sugar cookies and I couldn’t help but to hug and thank him. He knew just how much I enjoyed sugar cookies.

The more I settled into my home again, I realize that every room had their own distinct scent from different candles. It was actually a really nice thing to come home to; every room had their own mood. I knew I couldn’t get sick of this.

Jorel and I make our ways upstairs, only to have him stop us right before we entered our bedroom. “I have a surprise for you,” he grins at me, stealing a quick kiss from me, “Close your eyes.”
I do as I was instructed to do, grabbing onto his open hand that was now leading me into my much missed room. I could feel us pass through the door frame just as he made me stop abruptly, telling me to wait here for just a moment and to not move a muscle. I once again oblige as he wanders off. A moment passes when I begin to hear the sound of his lighter clicking, followed by the faint knock of something solid being placed down. I immediately knew that was a candle. I hear that a few times before he makes his way back over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind. “I hope you enjoy this,” he voices before he lays a firm kiss on my cheek. “Open your eyes.”
I don’t even hesitate. My eyes open, and instantly I was taken by surprise. The room looked completely different; in a good way.

The usual black and silver bedspread was changed to a powdery-white, thick comforter that seemed to have silver swirls sewn into it. Our pillows were tucked underneath, along with three square shaped pillows that were colored a deep crimson placed in the middle of them. Behind the bed was the same dark brown headboard platform, which was now littered with different sized candles that matched the pillows, all of them flickering and cascading a welcoming glow against our new beige walls. They were the only thing lighting the room besides the small lamps that were now living on our nightstands- they were almost like Americanized Oriental-styled lampshades that also matched the candles and pillows. The room was absolutely beautiful; I had no idea how he managed to change our room so much in just five days. But that didn’t matter- the act of kindness was making me fall for him all over again. He loosens his grip on my body, allowing me to step forward and really take in what was my now my room. The closer I got, I realized that the silver swirls were actually hearts stitched into the duvet- the pillows had the same pattern on them. God, I was speechless.

“So, what do you think?” J hesitantly asks behind me, placing his hands on my hips.
I shake my head in disbelief, which I knew I shouldn’t have done because he sighed in defeat, taking his hands back.
“I’m sorry, I tried-”
“Jorel, this…This is perfect,” I say, turning around just in time to see the shocked, but relieved look on his face. I practically throw myself into him with a tight hug, burying my face into his chest.
His heart was beating rapidly, pounding against my ear, “Payton, I just love you so much. Seeing what had happened earlier this week made me realize just how much I fear losing you. I don’t ever want to lose you. And, well, I know this may not be the best way to show it, but I want you to know just how much I do love you.”
I take one of my hands back to cover my mouth to keep myself from breaking down into a fit of sobs. Tears were streaming down my face, but there was nothing I could do to stop that. I place both my hands around his neck and pull him close to me, kissing him hard on the mouth. “J, you’re incredible,” I say against his lips, “I love you more than anything in the world.”
I feel the smile that spreads across his face; I see the crinkle around his eyes and the sparkles in them. He swiftly scoops me off my feet, places me gently on the bed just as he makes himself comfortable next to me, bringing my body close to his again. Involuntarily, I curl up against his chest, his arms imprisoning me. “I don’t ever want to let you go.”
“I’m holding that against you. Don’t ever let me go.”

-+-+-+-

Upon waking up the following day, I realize that he never actually had let me go; his left arm was still draped around my body, his right arm tucked somewhere underneath us. As much as I loved this feeling and wanted to stay here forever, I wasn't sure how much longer my bladder was going to handle me lying here. I wriggle myself free, only to wake him up in the process. I frown to myself and apologize quietly, only to have him pull me back against his body. I sigh, but giggle at his cuteness. “J,” I grumble, “Please let me go. I have to pee.”
I feel his shoulder roll in a shrug, “So?”
I scoff, rolling my eyes. “So, I'm going to pee all over this beautiful bedspread if you don't let me go. Or even worse, all over you.”
His body shakes in a low chuckle before he takes his arms back, only to pucker his lips at me while his eyes were still shut. I strain my neck to place a kiss before I rolled over and hopped out of bed and walked straight into our bathroom.

After doing my business, I did what I always did when I went to the bathroom; I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Yet unlike all the other times, I didn't want to take too much time on it- I knew how I looked, and I knew that I was slowing going to get better. Or so I hoped I would. My collarbones still stuck out like they always had, but something was different about them. I was curious- I started to caress them. They were still their boney selves, although it seemed as if there was something more than just bone that I could grasp onto. I had to stop myself before I triggered myself- but there wasn't a single thing in here that I could distract myself with. This was a terrible room for me- my razors were in here, and just knowing that was a trigger. Almost on instinct, I opened the medicine cabinet to find that my secret box was no longer there. I rapidly searched behind every little thing that was inside here, and not a single fucking razor was in there. My chest started to get tight, my breathing started to hitch. Why? Why are they gone?!

I quickly shut the cabinet and stepped back, away from my image and distress. I looked down at my badly damaged arm, seeing each and every scar that was there. Each and every one of them could take me back to a terrible time- especially the ones that still had stitches in them. I wanted to rip each and every one of them out, I wanted to bleed out again. But I knew that I couldn't, and that they had to stay in for the wounds to heal. I desperately needed to calm down. Making my way back over to the sink, I ran the cold water for a moment before cupping my hands under the stream. I bent over the sink and splashed the water over my face, hoping that this would calm my nerves somehow.

And then it hit me- my razors are gone because Jorel threw them out. He wanted to make our house a better, safer place for me. He doesn't want me to hurt myself, because he loves and cares about me.

A smile was brought back to my face as I took the washcloth to dry myself off. I placed it back before I left the restroom and saw that Jorel was now on his back, hands behind his head, snoozing. I giggled; he was just so cute. Making my way back over to the bed, I pounced back onto him, embracing him tightly. That caused him to jump slightly and let out a groan considering I landed pretty hard. “I love you so much,” I say into his chest.
“Wha- I love you too, babe,” he answers, still on the confused side, as he rubs circles into my back.
“I'm just... I'm so glad that I have you to care for me. Any other person wouldn't put up with the shit I put you through. Thank you, really, for being here for me.”
He smiles softly at me, still rubbing the small of my back, “Oh- well, anything for you, babe. What brought that up?”
I shook my head, telling him to forget about it because it didn't matter, but he knew better than to believe me.
“You looked for your razors, didn't you?” he had a knowing expression strewn on his face as I nod my head to confirm. “It was just something that had to be done, I don't want you hurting yourself anymore.”
“I know J-”
He interrupts me, “What are you going to do when we have kids, and they see your arm? What are you going to say? That Mommy is sad all the time and hurts herself to feel better? They're going to think that it's okay to hurt themselves, and that would kill me to see them do it, too.”
I cock my head to the side, looking away from him. What he said was completely true- my kids, if and when I have them, are going to see these because they're never going to fade away. They're going to think it's okay, and it's not.

My heart drops when I think about Marissa, if she had made it, with scars and cuts on her tiny arms. It just seems so wrong to have a small child harming themselves- yet it didn't seem so wrong for an adult to be doing it. A single tear rolls down my cheek as I hastily wipe it away, feeling awful about what I've done. I feel a thumb and index finger placed on my chin, trying to guide my face back to where J's was. I fight against it, I didn't want him to look at me. “Payton, please look me in the eye. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh. It's just the truth, and I'm trying to find reasons for you to stop since I'm not even a good enough reason.”
I slowly turn my head towards him, more tears streaming down as my heart breaks a little more. “Jorel, no... You are more than enough for me to stop, it's just hard. Don't think I don't care about you, don't think I'm doing this to hurt you. I'm trying real hard to stop now, I'm sorry if I'm not doing a good job,” I weep now, covering my face with my hands.
“Please, doll, don't cry... I hate it when you cry,” his voice shakes, “I just want you to be happy. I'm sorry, I understand that you're trying; I should be more open to the way you're handling things.”
He pulls my hands away from my face, tucking my head into the crook of his neck. He returns his hands to their rightful place on my back, soothingly rubbing it again. I could feel my body tremble as I try to stop crying for him, focusing on the feel of his hands. After a few moments of this, I exhale deeply, raising my head a little to peck his jawline with my lips. He hums a little, pressing his lips to the top of my head. I look at him now, staring into his light brown eyes that were screaming that they were sorry for making me cry. I smile lightly at him, pressing my lips together. “Jorel, it's okay. I'm sorry for being so bent out of shape.”
He shakes his head, rubbing my back a little more firmly now. “Don't be sorry, you have every reason to be upset. Let's just get out of bed, and do something to clear our minds. Okay?”
I nod, sniffling a little bit as I repositioned to sit up. “I'm going to take a shower,” I say quietly as he loosens his grip on me to get out of the bed.

I see him roll over and push his body up to a sitting position. I stare at him for a moment, my heart pounding in my chest as I think about telling him to join me. I open my mouth for the invite, but nothing comes out- my nerves got a hold of me. He tilts his head quizzically as I snap my mouth shut, shaking my head and making my way into the bathroom. I pace over to the tub, turning the faucet on, and pulled the lever to allow the stream to come from the shower head. Stripping from the clothes I was wearing, I make my way to the closet to grab a towel, hanging it next to the tub. Memories are starting to wash back inside my head, from the time where I used to be happy. We used to shower together all the time, which would always lead to making love in the shower, I remember as I stared at the same old curtain. A tiny smile grazes my lips as I think about the passion between us, but it made my chest throb as I realize that this wasn't us anymore. I missed the feeling of his lips against my neck as the water trickled down our nude, warm bodies, him pushing me against the tiled walls. They were always cold; I remember that that would send chills down my spine and a gasp to leave my mouth. He would always take that as a “go ahead”, trailing his fingertips down my belly gently. He'd stop just above my pelvis, making sure I was okay with what he was doing to me. I'd always let him continue, and thus the love-making would begin. It just wasn't the same anymore; I couldn't open my body up to him in the last three- actually four, now that I think of it- months.

I let out a saddened breath as I stepped into the steaming waterfall, turning around to soak my hair first. Sitting there for a moment with my arms wrapped around my torso, I slowly ran my hands up and down my scrawny arms as if I were cold. I felt so tense; my shoulders squared and my back straight- I didn't know why. My eyes fall shut as another sigh leaves my lips, trying to relax.

The curtains move slowly behind me, a gust of cold air reaching my back. I jumped, spinning around to see Jorel's face peeking around the curtain. I purse my lips and smile at him, my heart speeding up yet again as I think about the old times and how this was how it would usually start. “Could I join you?” he asked quietly, his eyes gazing into mine, searching for permission. He did this as if he were following a nonexistent script, written by old memories.
I lick my lips, pulling my bottom one into my mouth to chew on. I nod, moving to make room for him. He slips inside the small area, towering over me as he cautiously wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in. My arms do the same, hugging him close to my chest as my head rests on his torso- I could hear that his heart was beating just as fast as mine. “Just like old times, eh?” he mustered lowly.
I look up at him, nodding.
He replies, “You don't know how much I've missed this.”
I shake my head 'no' at him. “Oh, but I do know,” I whisper back to him, lightly scratching my nails down the curve of his back.
He twitches a little at the feelings, hums spilling out from his throat. We sit here in harmony, with my head on his chest, listening to the soft melody of his voice and heartbeat as I continue with my hands. I concentrate on the water that was pouring down my back from the shower head, my eyes shutting and my breathing slowing down. His hand climbs up my spine, landing at the base of my neck, his fingers massaging. “Hmm,” I voice, goosebumps forming on my shoulders, spreading quickly down my arms, and down to my pelvis and legs. He stops for a moment, taking in the fact that I wasn't stopping him like he expected me to, knowing that that was my turn on spot. “Could you keep doing that?” I express softly, “It feels really good.”
“Sure, babe,” he responds, continuing with the pattern he was placing into my skin.
I sigh peacefully, “J...” I trail off.
“Hm?” He never stops working with his hands.
I pause for a minute, taking my lip into my mouth again and sucking on it, trying to think of how to word this. My hands stop moving on his back, placing them firmly on the small of it and I look up at him. “I... I think... I think I'm ready.”
His eyes seem to sparkle in the dim lighting, a hopeful smirk playing at his lips. “Ready... Ready for what?” The joy in his voice was delightful to me.

“I want to make love to you, again.”