I Keep on Running

“Oh, my god! I love my hair, Theresa!” I exclaimed, flipping it around my shoulders, fingering through it to feel how alive it actually felt for once.
She grinned over at me, playing with the long layer that she refused to chop off, “I'm so glad that you had a great time today! And that was really nice of her to do it for free; that would have cost you over 200 dollars, easily.” She flips her hair over her other shoulder, “Do you like mine, too?”
“It's gorgeous,” I half lied, considering it looks practically the same as it had before, only an inch shorter with choppier layers. Also, she dyed it tinted red instead of her normal brunette color, which I will admit did look really good on her.
“Wait til Jorel sees what she did to my hair; he's not gonna believe it's me!” I went from a dull brown, to burgundy with highlights of blonde thrown into it. It really made my blue eyes pop, and I couldn't get over how healthy it looked.
She nods in agreement, holding her freshly done nails up, which turned to just the index finger as she told me to hold on a minute, putting her cell to her ear.
As she talked on the phone, I folded my fingers into my palms to look at them- they were painted silver, and the ring finger a shiny, deep red. I couldn't believe how gorgeous my nails even looked, honestly.

My phone beeps in my pocket, startling me. I quickly grab it, seeing that I had a message from Jorel on my screen. 'Where are you?'
I looked around before answering his question. 'Next to JC Penny, sitting down next to the coffee stand.'
'k. Be there in sec'
I place my phone down on the small circular table in front of me, next to my coffee. I quirk my lips to the left, picking up the medium sized cup and swished it around for no apparent reason at all. “I've got to go,” Theresa says hectically, standing up as she pushes her chair in. “I'm so glad you enjoyed your time and that I ran into you! It was nice spending time together. Scarlett is acting all fussy, so I have to get home and take care of her. I hope you understand.”
I nod, tucking my elbow to my side, having my drink hover over my right shoulder. “Of course I do, duty calls. Have a nice night, Theresa. Thanks for the invite!”
“Anytime, girl!” she smiles, then scurries off back to where she came from.

I sat here for a few minutes, mindlessly playing with my phone, wondering where J could possibly be. Sure, the mall was somewhat big, but he couldn't have gone too far. I place my drink back on the table after taking a sip, standing to stretch my back out. I started twisting to the right- only to be stopped by swinging into someone. I jump, immediately apologizing for smacking them, only to see that it was Jorel. “Phew,” I placed my hand on my chest, feeling my heart pounding from fear, “It's just you.”
“Just me? Wow, I see how it is,” he sarcastically replies, rolling his eyes as he does so.
I pout, putting my arms around his middle, “Aww, come here you. I'm sorry.”
He laughs lightly, patting my back but pulls away to examine my hair. “You know, Payton. I almost didn't recognize you with your new hair color n' all. Good thing it was you, I didn't want some woman beating me up cuz I bumped into her.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head, “You're a moron.”
“Hey, I resemble that remark!”
“Oh, believe me, I know you do,” I snicker.
He grabs a handful of my hair, bringing it straight out to see how it actually was. He let the strands fall from his fingers, the hair tickling my neck. “I dig it. It's a really good look for you, Pay.”
I grin towards him, “Thank you, J.”
“Whaddya say, wanna get outta here? We've been here for hours.”
I nod my head, reaching for my cup to take a sip out of. “Speaking of which, where did you go for the last two hours?”
He quirks his eyebrows upwards, turning his head with a sideways smile, “That is for me to know, and for you to find out.”
“J, oh my god, what did you do?”
He shakes his head, protruding is bottom lip in that sort of 'I didn't do anything' face, shrugging. “Nothin'. Well, nothing bad, anyway.”
I roll my eyes, grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards the exit. “Come on, let's go.”

-+-+-+-

As we pull into the driveway of our home, Jorel sighs harshly, throwing the car in park angrily. I look over at him, shooting him a stern look, “What's up with you?”
“Look,” he grumbles, shooting a thumb towards the silver Mercury sitting beside our car.
I sigh once I realize that it's my mother, throwing my head against the headrest and covered my face with my hands. I let out a long groan, finally dragging my fingers down my face. “I don't want to see her, really.”
I grab my coffee, pulling the door handle to let myself out of our black sedan only to be faced with my much-too-perky mother. I feign a smile at her, placing my coffee on the roof of the car as I shut the door to turn into her welcoming embrace. Her arms wrap around my small frame, tightening as the seconds tick on by- it was then I realized just how much I actually did miss my mom. I missed the way she would always comfort me when I was in school or when I was feeling down about myself, but now it seems like all she's been doing is wearing me down with insults about Jorel. I rest my chin on her shoulder though, an actual grin forming as I sink into her hug, tightening my hold. “You're actually hugging me,” she whispers, pressing her lips to the side of my head.
I nodded, pulling away and looking at her. “It's just been a while. I do miss you, mom.”
A sympathetic smirk grazes her face, “I've been missing you for a long, long time. Seems like ever since you started dating Jorel, you've done nothing but collapse-”

Just as fast as my happiness came, it vanished when she mentioned how she disliked Jorel. I pushed past her, making my way back to my front door as she called after me, apologizing. I didn't have the keys, so I couldn't unlock the door and run inside and slam the door in her face. I shake the door knob as if by some miracle, it would open- we all knew it wouldn't. She grabs a hold of my shoulder, spinning me around. “Hon, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.”
“Yeah, well, you did!” I snap at her, “You just royally pissed me off! All you ever fucking do is pick and pry at him, telling me how much you hate him because of his fucking looks! Jorel has done nothing to you, other than kick you out when you upset me. He has been nothing but nice to you, and all you can do is loath him for god only knows what!” I turn back to my locked door, shaking it more aggressively than before.
“Honey, I don't hate him-”
“Yes you fucking do!” I spin back towards her, glowering. “Either you come in and say something nice, or you're out of here.”

Just then, Jorel pushes his way through our heated debate, placing the key inside the knob. He turned the key, shoving the door open. I try to brush past him, but he stops me by holding his arm out, wrapping it around my front when I start to struggle. “Stop, stop- stop!” he warns, holding on to me as I fought. “Listen, I don't agree with the way she talks shit about me any more than you do, Pay- but this has got to stop. You two are mother and daughter; there's supposed to be a relationship between you two. You guys are going to sit down at that damn table,” he then points down the hall and into the kitchen at the dinner table, “And you are going to make the fuck up. And you,” he points his trembling finger at my mom now, “Need to stop with the harassment. I told you to never come back, you don't fucking listen, and now you're here again ticking her off because of the shit you say about me. It needs to stop. Because quite frankly, I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing it, not being able to do a damn thing about it!”
Fear strikes my mother's composure, her body trembling, lips quivering and her eyes as wide as saucers. Yes, Jorel has kicked her out, but he has never raised his voice at her like that. I exhale calmly, placing my hand on his arm and push it back to his side. He shoots me an apologetic glance briefly before he walks towards the kitchen. I follow him, my mother cautiously trailing after us. She slowly makes her way into a chair, stiff as a board.

I make my way towards J's tense body as he leans against the sink by the palms of his hands, his arms shaking lightly with rage. I place a hand on his back, feeling his muscles flex as he tenses; most likely trying not to spin around and start yelling again. My arm moves up and down to sooth the displeased man in front of me as I peek around his shoulder, up at his face. “J, baby,” I whisper, “It's okay.”
He shakes his head 'no', staring straight out the window.
I snake my other arm around his stomach, poking my head underneath his right arm now as he moves it to hold me in place. He gently squeezes my shoulders, silently telling me that he was sorry for snapping. “Will you come sit with us, please?”
He repossesses his arm now, turning around and leans against the sink that way, folding his arms over his chest. “I'll stand right here and watch you two.”
“Okay,” I say, barely audible as I make my way back to my mom.

She looks up at me once I sit down beside her, folding my hands together on top of the table. I watch her eyes slide down, glancing at my slightly healed, yet still butchered arm. Her hazel orbs suddenly fill with sorrow, quickly turning into disgust as something else strikes her mind. I wasn't sure about what she was thinking, but I knew it couldn't be good if she had her face wrenched up like that; I pull my sleeves down, hiding the healing cuts. She sighs, “Payton, I just wish you would've told me about Marissa, before doing this to yourself.” Her eyes dart from my arm, to my clavicles- they were obviously still very prominent.
My eyes drop when her words hit me; I knew I was a monster. But I was a recovering monster- isn't that something to be proud of? I feel pressure behind my eyes as my nose starts to tingle- I sniff, running my finger under my nostrils to prevent them from dripping. I blink, two tears peeking their ways out from between my lids and roll down my boney face. “I don't mean to make you cry, but hon, you need to realize that this isn't a good look; it looks awful.”
I glance up at her through my bangs, “You honestly think this is for looks?” I snarl at her, angry now. “You clearly don't understand the pain that I'm going through, mom.”
She tilts her head to the side. “Oh? I don't? Believe me, I know the pain of losing a child-”
“No you don't!” I shout, lifting my head to glare at her. “You chose to abort your baby because you were a pregnant teen. I didn't choose anything; my daughter died in my goddamn arms, mom! So please, explain to me this 'pain' that you felt.”

She takes a breather.

“You didn't tell me about that, Payton,” she musters to say.
“I don't think I really had to, but you made me say it to make my point clear. It's difficult reliving that fucking nightmare, night after night, dreaming that she's in my arms and being stolen from me all over again. I dream about that day in the hospital nearly every night,” my voice starts to shake as a wail makes its way out of my throat. “You don't understand how much I miss her and how much it pains me to tell people what had happened. I-I couldn't eat; the demons never stopped taunting me about losing her! The only way to get rid of them for a moment or two was to starve a-and watch myself bleed!” By now I was full on bawling in front of her, trying to hide my face as I leaned on my elbows, burying my head into my arms.
“Oh, honey,” she murmurs sorrowfully, lightly placing her hand on my back.
I shoulder her hand away from me. “Don't touch me!”

I feel Jorel behind me in an instant, placing his hands on my shoulders to guide me up off my chair, and back down the hallway. “I'm just glad that you're getting help now, Payton!” I hear my mother call after us.
I shake my head, wiping my eyes as we reached the stairs. “Go upstairs for a few, okay? I'm gonna tell her to leave,” J mutters in my ear, kissing the shell of it as he rubs my back and saunters back towards the kitchen.
Nodding my head to no one in particular, I make my way back up the stairs, taking the left to our bedroom. I just wanted to sleep; I wanted this nightmare to end already. “Please, Mrs. Carter, just get out of my house,” I hear Jorel's muffled voice echo its way up the stairs and into the room, “She doesn't want you here. She does not appreciate the things you have to say to her.” I was surprised by how he was being so polite to her. After all, he hated her guts.
I hear her argue with him, insisting that she needed to make things right again. He agreed, but he opened the door and still demanded her out, saying that we'll do this some other time. She was still debating with him, but I knew Jorel wasn't taking any of her shit as I hear the door slam; the pictures on our walls vibrate. I frowned, moving the comforter out of the way for me to lie on. I clambered into the bed, throwing the cover over my small body and hid deep inside of them. I laid there trembling, wishing this feud would end and never return. There were times that I wanted to see my mom and actually have an intellectual conversation with her or to just sit and chat about nothing in particular. I knew that I was experiencing false hope because she always had to bring up the things that I didn't want to hear, as if they weren't already apparent in my head. All I wanted was comfort from her. I whimper quietly, more tears dripping off my cheek as I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them.

The bed squeaks a moment later as J places a hand on the mattress, moving the cover to see me. I feel myself dip down a bit as he slid onto his spot; I reach out instantaneously, tugging on his shirt to pull him closer to me. He scoots himself towards me, twisting as he lies on his back, right arm stretched out. I pull myself onto his chest, resting my head there and draping my arm over his side. “There she is,” he mumbles, “My beautiful survivor.”
I sniffle, wiping my tears as a small smile breaks onto my face. “I'm glad you think of me that way,” I whisper.
I feel the blankets move, covering both of us. “Why wouldn't I think of you as beautiful or as a survivor? You're making it through the most difficult time of your life, and you'll always be beautiful to me. I can assure you that.”
I let out a small, blissful sob, craning my neck to kiss him. He bends his neck, successfully connecting our lips together.

“It's just...My mom doesn't see me that way... Thank you for always being here for me.”
He flashes a smile towards me. “Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter. But, of course. Now, relax,” he starts rubbing my back, “She's gone for a while, and I want to spend some time with you while I can.”
I sew my eyebrows together in confusion, “What do you mean 'while you can'?”
The expression across his face read that he let something slip out that he shouldn't have said. He avoids eye contact; immediately, panic sets in- I wasn't sure if he was coming back or not.
“Jorel Decker, answer me,” I demand, pushing myself off of his torso to sit up.
He pushes himself up from his resting position, throwing his arms out in the way you would when you wanted someone to hear you out. “Payton, don't think it's anything serious. I just kind of... Forgot that I have to leave... For a tour in a few weeks,” he stammers.
I sigh, “You asshole, I thought something serious was happening by the way you avoided to answer me. Well, how long are you going to be gone for?” my voice is small as I ask; I didn't really want him to go, but there was nothing I could do about it.
He reaches out, rubbing my upper arm to calm my nerves. “A month and a half.”
I let out a heavy breath of air, frowning deeply. “I don't want you to go,” I whine, “What am I supposed to do while you're away?”
“Don't worry, Pay. You can hang out with Theresa. Her and Danny made it so that she has plane tickets to come visit,” he smiles now, “I purchased one of them so you could go together- and I know just how badly you've always wanted to go to Chicago.”
My mouth drops in surprise. “J, are you serious?”
He nods, a smirk replacing the smile he just had. “I don't know how long I can go without seeing you, either. Chicago is right smack-dab in the middle of our tour dates. So by the time you see me, you'll know that I'll be home sooner than you think.”
“Oh, J, you are just too incredible.”