I Keep on Running

“Hi, Dr. Driscoll,” I sighed into the receiver of my cell phone harshly, “I wanted to talk to you about some symptoms I've been having for a while now.”
“Mhm?” I could just picture her nodding her head, urging me to continue even though I obviously couldn't see her. “Go on.”
I sucked my lip into my mouth and chewed on it for a moment or two before I breathed in. “I, uh, think I may have stomach ulcers.”
“And why exactly do you think that?” I could hear her clicking on the keyboard in the background. “Are you experiencing any abdominal pain?”
I nodded to myself. “At times, yes, but that wouldn't be my main concern. I've been nauseous and vomiting a lot. Not only that, but I feel as if I'm bloated- believe me, I can see a difference in my stomach.”
The clacking on the keyboard continued for a minute. “How about heartburn?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,” she dragged on, typing more. “Has there been any blood coming up with your vomit or black stools?”
“No, and if there had been, I would have said that at first. That would be really concerning.”
She chuckled, “Well, of course it would be. Now, are you anywhere near your next menstrual cycle?”
I sighed, closing my eyes to think. It was very hard having to tell anyone that my period has been irregular these last couple of months due to the lack of eating. “To be honest, I have no idea. It hasn't been regular in a long time.”

There was a long pause, creating an awkward silence. She was probably wondering why my period wasn't on time and why I wasn't sure about it, either. I didn't tell anyone, not even J, that I had stopped taking my birth control after she was born.

“Payton,” her voice suddenly sounds, startling me.
I jumped in my seat a little, shaking my head lightly.
“I don't exactly think you have ulcers, but I do want to have you checked out down at the hospital.”
This was half a relief, but the fact that she wanted to have me tested was getting my anxiety up in a bunch. “Are you going to perform an endoscopy to make sure I do or don't have them?” I did some research on my own to see how to confirm ulcers- apparently sticking a camera down my throat was the way to do it.
“Not exactly. If what I'm thinking doesn't come out positive, then yes, you will have that done to make sure. In the meantime, I'd like you to come to the hospital tomorrow morning at...” I could hear her clicking her mouse and clacking her keys again, entering my appointment. “Nine o'clock. Is that an alright time for you?”
I sighed. “Yeah, that's fine. I'll see you in the morning, Dr. Driscoll.”
“Alright Payton. Take it easy, okay?”
I quirked an eyebrow. “Will do. Buh-bye.” I took the phone away from my ear, tapping the “end call” that glowed on my screen.

I wasn't quite sure how to feel about this. I guess I should feel relieved if my own doctor doesn't think I have ulcers, but there was still something a little concerning about the way she wanted me in so soon. I had no excuse not to come in, anyhow. I tapped the messages button on the bottom of my screen, having my and Jorel's conversation pop up. 'Doctor's appointment tomorrow at 9.' I sighed lightly to myself, placing my phone back on the counter- I wasn't sure how Jorel was going to respond, and playing the waiting game was causing my stomach to twist and churn. He might be happy and relieved, but he may also think there's something severely wrong with me and worry, and I definitely didn't want that. The more I thought on this, the more nauseous I got. I shook my head- there was absolutely no reason at all to be nervous about his answer. Standing up, I grabbed my phone and placed it in my pocket before making my way towards the fridge. I opened the door, rummaging around for something to eat that seemed pleasing to me.

Lately, besides all the nausea, I was starting to gain my hunger back- it had actually seemed to be stronger than I remembered. Although I knew that eating would be good for me since I am recovering, there was still that thought in the back of my mind that told me that this was absolutely wrong. However, when I wasn't nauseous, I couldn't stop myself from eating. Maybe it was my medication that was making me this way.

I found myself slapping pieces of ham and cheese together between two pieces of white bread. I took my first bite and something seemed to be missing. Quirking my mouth to one side of my face, I placed the sandwich down on my plate and looked through the fridge again. Eying a jar of pickles, I realized that this was what I was missing from my sandwich. I grabbed a fork from the silverware drawer and attempted to fish out a few of the slices of pickles from the jar. As I was doing so, my phone rang and vibrated in my pocket, letting me know that I received a text message. I sighed, placing the glass down onto the counter and slipped my phone out of my pocket, reading the message. 'That's good babe. Let me know what happens ok?'
I smiled lightly to myself. 'Alright. We could Skype about it tomorrow night if you'd like.'
'Sure babe. I do miss your beautiful face after all'
This had made a full blown smile spread across my face as it flushed from his response. 'You're too cute. I miss your handsome face, too. I'll let you go for now, talk to you tomorrow! Love you (:'
'Love you too, doll. Can't wait :)'

-+-+-+-

Watching the clock turn from 8:30 to 8:45 in what seemed to be in the blink of an eye, I anxiously grabbed my car keys and made my way towards my front door. Before leaving my home, I double-checked to make sure that I had everything that I needed, patting myself down. I nodded to myself, opening my door and jumping back to see that Theresa was in mid-knock. “Theresa, hey. What are you doing here?” I chuckled nervously.
“Morning, Payton. I, uh, stopped by to see if you wanted to just get out for the day, seeing as you're probably not doing much since the boys are gone for a while,” she answered, readjusting her purse on her shoulder.
Normally I would have agreed, but I knew that I couldn't since I had to go to my appointment. “Thanks for the invite, Reese, but I have to get going actually. I have a doctor's appointment at nine... But I mean if you want to do so afterwards, that's fine by me,” I say, smiling towards her.
She nods, “Sure thing. Would you like me to take you there? I mean, I'm parked behind you anyhow.”
I purse my lips, thinking for a moment. There's nothing wrong with saving a little gas and being chauffeured around. I shrugged, “Sure, why not.”
“Alright, let's go!” She turns, making her way back down the steps as I quickly lock and shut my door, trailing after her.

I was nervous upon arrival, seeing as the entire car ride in, my legs were bouncing non-stop. Theresa couldn't help but laugh at me every time she looked over, and honestly, that made me feel a little worse. When we entered the hospital, I checked in and was immediately taken down to my room, only because my doctor had actually been on schedule and I was on time. I felt bad for leaving Theresa there all alone in the waiting room, but then again, she had offered to take me here. She didn't have to.

Sitting down in the room with Dr. Driscoll, my legs instantly started their infamous bouncing due to my apprehension. Even she laughed a little when she saw me. “Payton, there's nothing to worry about, honestly.”
I nodded, trying hard to have my legs stop shaking. “What exactly are we doing if you're not performing an endoscopy?”
“Well, what I had in mind was a procedure called an Upper GI; basically, I'll be taking x-rays of your stomach and small intestine. I'd have to make you drink something sort of like a milkshake, but it contains barium, which shows up in the x-rays. It can take several hours, though.”
I swallowed harshly, taking in this information. I hadn't realized that I was going to be here for a while.
“But first, because x-rays give off radiation, I have to take a urine sample to test to make sure you're not pregnant.”
I scoffed at her, amused. “Dr. Driscoll, there is absolutely, positively, no way that I am pregnant.”
She smirked at me. “Of course you would say that. However, against the patient's words, we have to test you in case you are unaware of being pregnant, no matter how sure you may be.”
“This is ridiculous,” I mutter, shaking my head, “There's just no way-”
“Payton, please. Why exactly do you think this?”
I sighed as I thought about how to say this to her. Of course, because of being in the programs that I've been in, she knew that I was suffering from anorexia, and any doctor would know that that can cause infertility. My period came back only once after Marissa was born, and after that, they completely vanished because I stopped eating. I just hated saying it to people, no matter who they were. I brought my bottom lip into my mouth and chewed on it lightly, shaking my head. “I'll just do it.”
“Great,” she says, standing up to get me a gown to change into.
She places it on the chair next to me, and leaves the room long enough for me to exchange clothes. After doing so, she leads me to the bathroom, handing me a cup. “Once you're finished, just leave the cup, with the cap on it, on the box next to the toilet, and pull the string. We'll retrieve it after that and you can get comfortable in the room again.”

Comfortable, right, sure.

She left me to do my business, and as she instructed, I left the capped off piss on the box next to the toilet. I washed my hands thoroughly, trying my best to ignore the mirror that was right in front of me. There was no need for me to get triggered at a hospital. I glanced up for a moment, but breathed in deeply and turned away from the mirror to tug on the string. I left the bathroom, leaving the door open with the light on, and made my way back to the “comfortable” bed. I sighed, leaning against the back of my bed, knowing that this was going to be a while. I glanced around the room some, seeing that the walls had once been a light pink, but were now a light blue. Whoever painted the room had clearly missed some spots, but I'm sure not many people would notice this. I notice just about everything. I chuckled to myself, glancing at the clock, which read that it was nearing 9:30. I heard my phone go off in my jeans, and being as bored as I was, I stood up to go get it. I had a text from Theresa. 'How's it going in there?'
I rolled my eyes to myself. 'Sooo slow! She took a pee test from me cuz she has to do x-rays and needs to make sure I'm not pregnant.'
'Lol. That's funny. Did you tell her you're not pregnant?'
'Yeah, I did, but'
The door suddenly opened, startling me, which caused me to send my message to Theresa prematurely. She laughed at me as she entered the room, seeing as she scared me. “Sorry about that, Payton,” she says with a chuckle in her tone.
I sigh, laughing lightly myself, “Oh, it's alright. I'm used to that.”
She smiles as me, but turns her attention back to her clipboard. “Well, Payton, it looks like we're not going to go through with this procedure today.”
My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, “Why?”
“According to this,” she says, tapping the paper with the pen in her other hand, “It says that you're pregnant, therefore we cannot take x-rays.”

Taking in her words, my phone slips from my now-numb fingertips as my mouth drops to the floor. I take a trembling hand to my mouth, covering it as I shake my head 'no'. “No, nuh uh.”
That was the only thing that I could muster to say at the moment. I kept shaking my head in disbelief, until she brought the sheet over to me. “Take a look for yourself,” she continues, pointing to exactly where I needed to look.
The all-too-familiar pressure behind my eyes washes over me, tears leaking out and streaming down my face. I close my eyes, shaking my head still, as a small cry makes its way out of me. All I could picture was holding the little bundle of joy already, and just how happy Jorel would be if he knew. I knew that this was a break from all the stress in life. I knew that this was a second chance at something amazing.

I was pregnant. I had absolutely no idea about it, it wasn't planned, but I couldn't be happier about it.