I Keep on Running

“Jorel,” I moaned in complete agony, my hands clamping over my extremely swollen stomach, “Jorel, baby, wake up.”
He breathed in heavily through his nose, letting his eyes open to look at me. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He instantly shot up in bed, taking in my distressed figure.
I nodded, but let out a gasp in put pain. “J, I’m in labor. My water broke. And-and I’m getting horrible contractions,” I get out eventually.
“Shit,” he mumbled to himself, throwing the covers off of his tattooed body. He sits up hurriedly, grabbing his jeans and a sweatshirt, throwing those on. “Go to the car, I got everything.”
I bit my lip, shaking my head back and forth. “I can’t move,” I feel myself laugh, embarrassed.
He chuckles at my foolishness before picking me up easily, bridal style. I wasn’t quite sure if this was okay for the baby, but he did it anyways.

He carried me through the doorway, and then down the stairs of the small home we managed to buy. Once we were outside, he rushed to our car, opening the passenger door and sitting me down gently. I smiled at him, pushing the seat back so I could lie down. He flashes me a small smile in return, before running back inside to grab the overnight bag I packed over a month ago. Another contraction ripped through me, and I squeezed my eyes shut, panting as I tried not to let out a yell. Minutes later, he came back out, throwing everything in the backseat before sitting himself in the driver’s side. Within twenty minutes of speeding down the back roads of LA in the middle of the night, we finally made it to the hospital.

Everything rushed by me in a haze; the next thing that I could possibly register was having the doctors rush around me, hooking me up to IVs, or whatever that was needed. I wasn’t one to know about medical issues. “How far apart are the contractions, Miss Carter?” I hear a nurse ask me.
“Um… About fifteen minutes or so,” I reply, trying to breathe calmly as I could tell another was about to come.
She sighed, shaking her head. I was confused; did I do something wrong with this pregnancy that I bothered the nurse? “They need to come sooner,” she mumbles to herself, before walking off towards another doctor.
I was getting extremely nervous- did they normally rush childbirth like this? I looked over at Jorel, him giving me comforting smiles while reaching for my IV’d hand. He holds onto it, gently running his thumb against the back of it, around the needle. I grin at him, showing him that I was okay- until another contraction pushed through me. I tightened my hand around his, my eyes screwing shut, my face contorting. I couldn’t hold it- I let out a yelp. I sucked my lip into my mouth, a tear or two leaking out from the corner of my eyes. The sad thing was; this isn’t even the bad part. Wait until she has to be pushed through.

We sat like this for a while; Jorel holding onto my hand while I worked on breathing evenly. The doctors would check on the dilation, only to walk away frowning. I was concerned as to why they were acting the way they were; I never imagined them doing this. I just imagined pushing a baby out of me, after numbing my body up within a few hours. Maybe less than that, who knew? Contractions after contractions occurred, and I could only yell in agony, hold onto J’s hand tighter. The only thing he could do was whisper in my ear, trying to calm my actions, trying to put me in a higher mood. He would rub my back every once in a while, peck the top of my head, maybe my lips here or there.

An hour or so passed since I first arrived. The contractions weren’t getting any closer in time, and I was getting sick of this already. Not to mention, I probably bruised J’s hand, or nearly nibbled through my lip. They took a scan of the baby; their faces falling when some sort of result came through. I started getting worried again as they rushed out.

The doctors came back in, “Miss Carter, we need to do an emergency procedure; there seems to be something wrong with the baby.”
“What?” I breathed out, my eyes snapping open as I stared at the scrub-wearing man in front of me.
“You’re not dilating as much as you should be by now, which isn’t an unusual thing. But we need to get her out of you,” he tells me calmly, trying to make sure my heart rate didn’t speed up, more than it already was.
“Will she be okay?” I take my right hand, placing it over my stomach, feeling a light kick… Lighter than it usually was.
He never answered, just pursed his lips, looking at Jorel. “Sir, you need to let go of her hand.”
He tightened his grip around my small hand, “No. I’m staying with her through all of this,” he snapped back.
I looked at him, happy that he was keeping true to his words. “Mr. Decker, it would be much appreciated if you could let go-”
“No,” he barked, glaring at him.
The doctor sighed, “Fine.”

Curtains were pulled around us, the doctor pushing my scrubs up, away from my stomach, below my breasts. Other medical assistants came in with him, preparing him with everything he needed. Whatever he needed to do, he moved over towards me, marking my stomach up to make sure he made the right cuts. “Are you ready for this?”
“Don’t I need the epidural?” I squeaked out, getting more and more nervous the closer he got to me.
“There isn’t enough time. I will ask again, are you ready?”
I sighed, licking my lips. I rubbed them together, closing my eyes with a nod. I felt a pair of lips against my head, and I knew instantly that it was Jorel. “You’re going to be fine, baby,” he says quietly into my ear.
His voice calmed me down just a bit; that was until I felt him cut me open. I gasped loudly, my hand gripping onto his again. I could feel the tool cutting right through the muscles in the way, him not even bothering to push it around, like they could have done. My abdomen muscle was probably torn to shreds- I could only imagine the blood that was there, the amount that could match up the burning, sharp pain I was feeling right now. Tears slipped through my eye lids again, rolling down my cheeks. I felt fingers wiping them away from my skin, the touch so calm… I cried out in pain again, feeling the skin being moved apart, allowing enough room for the baby to come out.

I felt her being pulled from my stomach, feeling the placenta slip through, too. He didn’t even ask if either Jorel or I wanted to cut the cord; he just did it himself, taking her away from me. I was really beginning to worry- why was she being taken from me so quickly? I looked up at Jorel, tears rolling down my cheeks again. He shook his head, telling me that everything was going to be okay, telling me not to worry. I shuddered, feeling someone’s now cold hands over my stomach, sewing it back up, and then stapling it. I wanted to cry out in pain again. I knew something was wrong…

“Nurse… Where’s Marissa? I want to see her,” I begged. She shook her head, telling me that I couldn’t. “What do you mean ‘no’?”
She sighed, shaking her head once more. Her face was showing me a guilty look- she wouldn’t look me in the eye. Hell, she wouldn’t even look in our direction. I could see her blinking back tears; she must have been a new nurse if she was getting upset about something in the hospital. “Why… Why is she crying, Jorel?” I look at him, my voice shaking. “Where’s Marissa?” I called out again, a sob ripping through my throat as I breathed heavily, hyperventilating.
She glanced at me quickly with sorrow filling in her face, before she walked away from us. My heart was beating rapidly, I was panting from being so nervous. “Jorel… What’s going on?” I cried.
He shook his head, shrugging lightly. “I’m not sure, Payton. Everything’s going to be okay, I’m sure…” He frowned, leaning down to stroke my hair and kissed my lips gently.

The doctor stepped in, the one who had taken away our child. “Miss Carter; Mr. Decker… We have bad news. The baby, Marissa… She’s still alive right now, yes, but…,” he trailed off.
“But what? What do you mean she’s still alive right now?” Jorel snapped.
“But… She won’t make it. She’s a stillborn,” his voice was as soft as velvet, but it made me sick to my stomach, hearing his words.
They contorted my heart, twisting and pulling on the valves and causing it to break. It almost felt as if my blood ran cold right now- between the pains that were ripping through my abdomen, my hand, my stomach or my chest, my heart hurt the most...I couldn’t absorb the fact that she wasn’t going to make it; we waited so long for her arrival… I sobbed out, covering my face with my hands. Jorel was rubbing my back now. “Are you fucking serious?” He asked loudly.
“I’m afraid so, yes.”
I bawled even harder, my shoulders shaking with each and every heave I gave. My stomach was churning; I felt completely sick to my stomach, my head was hurting. I placed my free hand over my eyes, using my thumb and index finger to wipe away some of the tears, breathing heavily through my nose before sitting up straight again. “I… I want to see her. I don’t fucking care, I want to see my daughter,” I called through my cries.
Truth was, I wasn’t even sure if we were allowed to see the dying children born, but I honestly didn’t give a shit. I had the right to see my daughter, before she took her last breaths. “Miss Carter, I don’t think that’s a very good choice-”
“I don’t care,” I snapped, “Let me see my daughter!”
He nodded hesitantly, watching me for a moment, probably absorbing the fact that I just snapped at him, before walking off.

Jorel sat on the extra space the bed held, simply pulling me into his arms, holding me to his chest as I wept. He rubbed circles around my back, hushing me. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear, but it wasn’t making me feel any better. “Why us, Jorel? What else could go fucking wrong with our lives?” I yelled in his chest.
“Shh, baby… I don’t… I don’t know,” his voice quavered, “It’s… Just our luck,” he whispered, sniffling. “It can only get better from here, I’m sure…”
I gripped onto his damp shirt. “But… This was supposed to be the break from the streak. This was supposed to be the time of happiness, J!”
“I know, Payton, I know! I didn’t want this to happen, either!” He hissed, not trying to get angry at himself.
I heard the clearing of a throat, so we pulled away from each other, both of us wiping our eyes. I never thought I’d see Jorel cry. “Here’s baby Marissa,” the doctor cooed, his voice sickly sweet. He walked over and handed her to my open arms.

She was small. She was light. But she was beautiful. I smiled down at her, sniffling. She was breathing slightly, which looked painful for her to do, just lying in the bundle of blankets around her. She had chubby cheeks, just like her father, the same eyebrow ridge as him, too. She had a mixture of our lips- her bottom lip bigger than her upper one, a little pout under her nose, which she got from me. She was fucking gorgeous, besides her having almost completely transparent skin. They all said she was healthy, but apparently she wasn’t this last month, unless they were lying to me this whole time. I pulled her close to my face; I laid my lips against her forehead. I lowered her down slowly, and she opened her eyes slightly. It didn’t last long, though. She was weak, and we all knew it.

I looked up at Jorel, and he had a soft smile playing on his lips. “She has my cheeks,” he chuckled.
I nodded, “Yeah. And your eyebrows, even though you can’t really see them… And her bottom lip is bigger, too,” I mumbled.
“She has your pout, and nose. I bet she has your eyes, too.”
I nodded, and then sobbed again, just once, holding her closely to my chest. I looked at him again, and handed her willingly to him. He took her without hesitation, his hands pretty much engulfing her body. “Hi, baby. I know you can’t understand me… But just know that Daddy… Daddy will always love you… You will always be close to my heart,” he whispered.
I sniffled again. That was precious. He would have been the best father in the world, I knew it… “Go back to Mommy. I love you, Marissa,” he smiles before kissing her forehead, too. He handed her back to me.

“And Mommy loves you too, Marissa… You won’t ever leave my heart.”

I heard more footsteps walk into the room- I lifted my head to see the guys. A cheerful Danny, a humble Matt, and an excited Jordon and Dylan. George stood there, too, a smile spread across his face. All their faces dropped though, when they saw that we were both crying. They knew something was wrong. “You guys can say hello to her, you know… Just be gentle and quick,” I mutter.
They all smiled again, Danny being the first one to step up. He took her, but was taken off guard by how light and small she was. I could tell by his face; his eyes dulled down in the shine, his eyebrows fell. I watched as his mouth went from turned upright, to down in a frown. He knew what was wrong. He smiled sympathetically at me, before kissing her and handing her down the line.

Dylan had muttered things to her in Spanish, probably something very touching, that none of us could understand. I watched him bounce her a little bit. Jordon could barely keep his emotions in; he was so happy and ready for Jorel and me to be parents. I watched fat tears roll down his cheeks, too, before he said goodbye with a kiss. He passed her to Matt, who grinned, even though he understood what happened. He mumbled things to her as well, before she was given to George. He grinned at her. “J, she has your fat-ass cheeks, dude,” everyone lightly chuckled as he pinched her cheeks ever-so-slightly. “You guys… She’s… Beautiful. Don’t ever forget that,” he complimented.

By the time all of them saw her, they all understood that she was a stillborn, but none of them had asked about it. They could just tell. Jorel and I got her back, and we said we loved her once more, before saying our last goodbye, as I watched her take her last, small breath. Moments later, she became completely and utterly motionless, more than before, if that was even possible. I wept out- it was one thing to know that you’ve given birth to a stillborn, but another when they die right in your hands… The tears streamed down effortlessly as my body shook with each and every sob. I think one of the boys had gotten the doctor, most likely not enjoying the sight of me crying with Jorel trying to comfort me. I wasn’t ready to part with her, but I had to. We handed her over, tears rolling down my cheeks, still. Jorel wiped my tears away once more, telling me that it was for the best, and that he loved me. I nodded.

J squeezed my shoulder with encouraging effort. He stood up, before walking towards the doctor and whispering in his ear. I was curious, but I let it go. “Goodbye, beautiful. I’ll miss you, and I will always love you,” I say out loud.
Everyone agreed, and frowned afterwards… The doctor walked off, never looking back.

“No!” I screamed, jolting in the arms that were around me.
Jorel jerked awake, eyes bulging as he looked at me. “‘No’, what? Are you alright?” He asked, concern dripping in each and every word he spoke.
More tears streamed down my cheeks, “No…,” I mumbled. I was breathing heavily, trying hard to rack up my breath. I rubbed my face, especially my eyes, trying to tell myself that I didn’t just dream this again. “No. I want her back, Jorel! I was so happy with her in my arms…” The thought of the dream flooded my mind; the same events that happened a little over three months ago.
He sighed, kissing my forehead lovingly. “I know. I was too, and I wish I could have her back… But you have her, right in your hand.” He said, poking at the ring that was around my thumb.
I nodded. “And so do you, around your neck,” I pointed to the necklace around his neck.
We both smiled to each other; we had her ashes turned into diamonds, and imbedded in jewelry. It was all his idea, and I thought it was beautiful. I didn’t know until a few weeks later, that when he whispered in the doctor’s ear, he was asking him to do that for us.

It was just easier for us to know we had her close to us, I guess. It was easier than keeping the ashes in a bottle or jar, and put someplace special, or almost hidden. It was a good idea to turn her into jewelry; she could never accidentally get blown away, or something ridiculous like that.

“Try to go back to sleep?” He asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to, J… I’m afraid that she’ll be taken away from me again. I haven’t stopped dreaming about her, about that night, ever. Not once since I’ve gotten home from the hospital,” I whimpered.
He sighed, he knew this. He knew that I was afraid to fall asleep at night, because I always dreamt about the horrible living nightmare that occurred to us. He also knew that I loved my sleep, like any other person. He didn’t like the fact that I woke up every other night, crying. He did get used to the reason as to why I did, but he never hesitated to ask why, or if I were okay…

“At least you can relive the moment, right? The time where you had her in your hands.”
I got sad again, but I just nodded. He didn’t need to know that he upset me… But it was true. I would love to relive that moment again, just to have her in my arms. I guess I do, whenever I sleep. I smiled lightly. “Yeah, you’re right…”
He grinned back. “Sleep again?”
I nodded. “Sure. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Goodnight, once again.”
I lightly laughed. “Night.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you.”