I Keep on Running

“Please, stop fuckin’ crying!” Jorel yells at me.
I wiped my cheeks and eyes franticly, “I’m sorry that I’m an emotional train wreck, J!” I shout back, “Just fucking go.”
He sighs, running a hand over his face, then through his short hair. He shakes his head, probably to himself. “I’m not leaving until I know you’re going to be fine.” His voice was hard.
“I’m perfectly fine. Just go!” I point towards the door, “Have fun with your friends.”
The scowl never leaves his face. “Not yet. I’m sorry for making you cry, I didn’t know that saying you were skinny would upset you!”
My lips tremble again, and I sniffle. “You think it’s weird, that’s why I’m upset, Jorel,” I mumble.
His face softens, and he takes a step closer to me so he could wrap his arms around me. I press my face against his chest, where his hand rubs the back of my head, trying to calm me down. “I… I don’t think it’s weird, Payton.”
“Yes you do!” I call out into his chest, which obviously sounded muffled.

He sighed harshly again, taking my shoulders in his hands so he could move me, to have me look at him. “I don’t think it’s weird,” he tells me, looking me dead in the eye.
“‘Just seems so weird. You’re so skinny’,” I quote.
“That’s not what I meant! I meant-”
“It sounded like you think it’s weird.”
He shook his head, pulling his eyebrows together in another scowl. He was getting mad, again. “I do not think it’s weird! If you would let me finish, you’d understand what I fuckin’ meant!”
“Stop yelling at me! Maybe then I’d fucking listen!”
He takes a step back from me, “I only meant that it feels weird that your stomach is so flat, when it was so big for months. And, we don’t… We don’t…,” he trails off, not wanting to finish his sentence.
I knew exactly what he going to say; that we don’t have Marissa. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face again, heavy sobs shaking through my chest. His arms were around my small frame again, his hand trailing down my back once more in attempt to calm me down. We just stood there, in the front hall, with me crying in his arms.

I wasn’t sure if I felt better now that I know he doesn’t think it’s weird how I’m skinny- but weird because I was big at one point, thin now, with nothing in our arms. There really wasn’t a reason for it to be weird; whatever happens- happens. It was fate, in my eyes. It was depressing, more than anything. His lips press against my hair again, but I couldn’t do anything besides cry. I felt completely horrible. “I’m sorry,” he whispers in my ear, “I’m just trying to adjust, still, to your small belly…”
I nod. “I’m sorry that you think it’s weird how we don’t have a child,” I mumble back.
“I don’t! Not at all, Pay. I understand it all. It has nothing to do with that, honestly.”
I pull my face away from his chest to stare into his soft eyes. “Oh.”
A small smile grazes his lips. “Yeah. Once again, I’m sorry for making you cry. I didn’t mean it to sound like I thought it was weird not having Marissa, because I don’t. It’s heartbreaking, not weird,” he cups my face with both of his hands, using his thumb to wipe away a few stray tears. “I love you, Payton.”
I half smile. “Okay… It’s fine. I’m-I’m sorry for freaking out.”
He nods. “Understandable. It’s fine.” He leans down then, capturing my lips with his own for a small kiss, soon breaking away.

“Hey, J?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you, too.”

-+-+-+-

I sat alone on our bed, just staring at the blank TV that sat on the wall, across from the bed. Jorel was gone for the night, most likely to return late and/or drunk. I sighed heavily, still thinking about what we just talked about a few hours prior; I hated fighting with him. In the end, he feels like the bad guy for making me shed tears, and I always feel like shit for crying in the first place. I’m pretty sure all was settled now, maybe- so he didn’t think it was strange, just my stomach. Understandable. But I still had that feeling that all wasn’t, having another razor pressed up against my forearm. He’s told me numerous times to not do this, caught me in the middle of doing it and scolded me. Yet, I continued to do it, when I knew it was wrong, and it was only hurting him. And, well, me too.

I let the razor slice clean through my skin, biting down on my trembling lip, tears streaming down my cheeks. I really had to stop doing this to myself. But I couldn’t- it took away some of the pain I had in my heart momentarily. I watched the blood trickle down, sliding onto my bare leg as I sat Indian-style. He was going to be really upset with me, hell, I was too… “Fuck!” I yelled out to no one, throwing the blade across the room, having it land behind something. “Stop doing this to yourself, Payton!” I scolded myself, “Jorel is going to be very upset, worried, terrified… This isn’t helping a thing,” I sigh, standing, and walking to the bathroom that was connected to our bedroom.
I took a washcloth, pressing it hard against my wound. I told myself this every time I’d do something to myself, but I couldn’t find a reason to stop. I just wanted to be happy, but what is cutting going to do with that?

Maybe I should go out sometime… Maybe, just to see the guys, because I know they’re dying to see me. I haven’t made an effort to leave- hell; this was the first time J has left the house in three months. They didn’t make an effort to visit, either- they knew I’d probably just shut them out.

I grab bandages from the cabinet, throwing the towel in a hamper before wrapping my arm up, covering up all the cuts I just made. I frowned to myself, walking back to the bedroom and onto the bed. There, I curled up in a ball, just looking at the empty space next to me on the mattress. It felt bizarre to not have someone with me at the moment; maybe that’s the feeling Jorel had with my belly. I felt alone, more than usual. To think I would have to sit like this for a while now, hours on end, doing nothing but missing J. I reached out and grabbed his pillow, bringing it to my chest and just breathing in his nicotine-axe smell, a smile rising on my face. My eyes fluttered shut, just imagining him next to me.

I couldn’t really remember falling asleep, but apparently I had, considering I was jolted awake when I felt a pair of arms wind around me. My eyes flew open, staring into the familiar brown ones that I’ve known for years, a smile on his face. His eyes were a bit glazed over, telling me that he had been drinking- hell, I could smell the alcohol on him. I smiled back, nonetheless. He places a sloppy kiss on my lips, one that I easily returned. He doesn’t break away from me; if anything, he only applied more pressure on my lips, his tongue lashing out. I was slightly taken aback- I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to continue or not… I find myself going along, anyways, my mouth opening up, our tongues meeting and dancing together. It’s been a while since we’ve kissed like this.

He pulls back after a few minutes with us both breathing heavier than before. He kisses me gently again, before mumbling something against my lips. “I’ve missed this… I’ve missed you,” I make out, as he runs his mouth down my jawline.
He nips gently at the skin around my neck, getting to the spot he knew that always got me going. I close my eyes as he gently rolls me onto my back, him crawling on top of me, but resting on his forearm so his weight wasn’t fully on me. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth, biting onto it to keep me from telling him this was okay. I mean, sure, it was- but I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t in the mood to do this yet. He tightens his hand around my hip as his mouth runs down my neck, and onto my clavicle, biting onto the bony area. I let a small moan slip out of my throat, my eyes opening to see him smirking in front of me. “I missed that, too,” he says, lust deep in his eyes.
I feel his hand sneak into my shirt, this thumb running down my hip bone, another spot he knew about. He leans down to kiss my lips once more, then behind my ear. He scrapes his teeth against the skin, pulling it into his mouth and sucking on it- another moan leaves my mouth.

I can feel his excitement against my leg, and I could feel myself getting the same way- but I wasn’t ready. “J… Please- please stop,” I whisper.
He didn’t hear me, just continued his actions, his hand now crawling up my stomach. I twitched under him as it tickled me, his fingertips running against my ribcage. Soon enough, his hand was around my swollen breast, massaging it lightly as he knew they were still sore. His thumb runs against my nipple, his lips roaming down my neck again. “Jorel,” I call out.
He takes it as pleasure. “You like that?” he slurs against my skin.
“No, Jorel, please stop!” I cry.
“It doesn’t… Feel good?” He asks, confused.
He looks into my eyes, which were swimming in tears. “N-no, please… Please just stop.”
“But, baby,” he tries, “This feels so good… I missed this; I missed your body… I missed you,” he gets out with his drunken words.
I close my eyes, a tear rolling down my cheek. “I missed you, too-”
“Then why don’t we just continue?” He asks seductively.
Another tear rolls down my cheek. “Please… Just stop. I’m… I’m not ready, Jorel…”
“Please? I know you like this,” His hands continue down south, rubbing against my underwear.

“Jorel! Please just stop! I don’t want this!” I yell, completely bawling now.
I see his face change completely- it went from lustful, to terrified in a second. He pulls himself off of me, sitting on my legs. His hands went to his face, rubbing it thoroughly. I take my own hands, burying my face into them, just crying. “Payton, I-I’m so sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Fuck, I’m so sorry!”
I couldn’t stop crying- I felt all he wanted from me was sex. But it couldn’t be, if he showed me all his love and affection everyday… I look at him now, his face completely horror-struck. His hands were in his short hair, trying to brush it back, something. “Payton, please… Please stop crying- I didn’t mean it…”
He rolls off of me, lying down on his side, next to me. I feel him put his arm around my waist again, pulling me into him. And here was the love and affection, with him whispering apologies in my ear, kissing my head, wiping away my tears. I tucked my head into his chest, calming down now as I breathed him in. By the way he was talking now; you wouldn’t think he was drunk. He was sobering up. “Pay,” he calls.
I look up at him, the worry still imbedded into his face.

“Jorel, I… I didn’t want that. I thought you knew?” I mumble.
“Payton, I don’t know- I don’t know what got into me. I’m sorry. You don’t understand, I’m so fucking sorry,” he says franticly.
He takes my face in his hands, pressing his lips against mine forcefully, trying to tell me he really was. He pulls back, resting our foreheads together, just so we could stare into each other’s eyes… He meant his apologies. I could see it in his eyes. I sigh, pulling out of his grasp and attempting to stand up. I feel him trying to keep me there, seeing the confusion strike across his face. I take my hands, wrapping them around his wrists to pull his grasp away from my waist. “Payton, where are you going?”
“I…,” I look down at the comforter, “I’m sleeping on the couch,” I mumble.
I feel him retract his hands, hearing the bed squeak as he sits up. “Why?”
“I-I don’t feel comfortable right now, J…”
He sighs harshly. “I’m sorry… I’ll go to the couch, you take the bed,” he says, starting to stand up as well.
“No, it’s okay. I’ve got it,” I say, grabbing my pillows before turning towards the closet.
There, I grab another blanket that’s been thrown in there months ago, pulling it out and closing the door. I walk out the bedroom door, towards the stairs before I feel his hand on my shoulder. He pulls me back slightly, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and across my chest. I don’t hesitate to move, but I want to be alone. I feel his chest against my back, his body moving as he breathes calmly, just taking in my body. “I’m sorry,” he whispers behind me.
I sigh. “I’m fine. I’ll see you in the morning,” I begin to start walking again, but he tightens his grip.
“Wait, Payton. Can I… Can I have a goodnight kiss?” his voice was almost nervous sounding.
I turn around in his grasp, furrowing my brows at the sound of his voice. I look into his brown eyes; they were holding regret. They were sad looking- and I couldn’t say no to him. I nod, standing on my toes and pressing my lips against his. They linger there, taking in the love that he was giving me at the moment, before I had to go. He pulls back, giving me a small smile, and another quick kiss. “Goodnight, doll,” he says quietly.
I smile. “Goodnight, Jorel.”

With that, I walked down the stairs, and towards the couch to sleep alone- for the first time in months.