I Keep on Running

I felt a pair of lips pressed against my forehead tenderly, but I never opened my eyes from my horrible night of sleeping. The lips leave, and I feel the body to whom they belonged to move back, hearing them walk away into another room. Of course, it was Jorel. I stirred around in the blanket for a moment, rolling onto my side before I peeked open an eye. Eyeing the digital clock on the cable box, I sat up on the couch, the fabric falling onto the floor. According to the orange numbers, it was just a little after ten in the morning.

I heard clinking in the kitchen, and decided to check out just what he was doing. I stood, stretching my arms out behind me while my back cracked. A yawn came along with it, and I walked into the kitchen, seeing Jorel sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. I scratched the back of my head, waiting to see if he’d notice me or not. Instantly, he did- he dropped the spoon in the bowl and smiled at me, sympathetically, almost in an apologetic manner. His eyes, however, told me to come and sit down with him. Listening, I did just so, and sat across from him. I played with my fingers on my lap, just staring down at my hands. His foot rubs up my shin, causing me to look up eventually. “How’d you sleep?” he asks me.
“Fine,” I lied, “Yourself?”
He sighed, glancing down at the few cheerios that were swimming around the milk in the bowl that sat in front of him. “Horrible.”

I pulled my lip into my mouth and chewed on it. Now I felt bad. It stayed quiet for a few minutes.

“Payton, I’m… I’m still sorry. I couldn’t sleep last night, knowing that you were upset with me, and not having you literally in my arms,” he admits, looking at me, almost shyly.
“So you remember everything last night,” I mumble under my breath. “I-”
“It was wrong for me to do that,” he cuts me off, “Honestly, I know that. The alcohol shouldn’t have made me do those things, and God, Payton. I’m so sorry. It wasn’t right, at all. I know you weren’t ready,” he finishes, looking me dead in the eye.
A small smile spreads across my face, taking in his words. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to say back to him, though- I did forgive him, and he was right; alcohol should not have made him do those things. I opened my mouth to speak, to let him know that my feelings weren’t hurt anymore, but he said something else.
“I was watching you while you were sleeping, for a little while. And I couldn’t help but to notice the bandages. I could tell you weren’t sleeping soundly, because of me. And for that, I also apologize.”
My eyes drop down to my hand resting on my lap, frowning instantly. I picked my gaze back up, looking at him once more. “I’m fine, Jorel. I accept your apologies,” I tell him, not quite sure what else to say.

I was fine; I forgave him. But I know that deep down on the inside, maybe I really wasn’t fine. I was still cutting myself. I was confusing myself- maybe I really should just get out of the house for once…

I look at his hands, palms up on the table, fingers curling in to tell me that he wanted to see my own. Without hesitating, I put my hands in his own- they were small in his. He takes my left arm, flipping it over to see the tan bandage with some reds and browns mixed into it. I watch his eyes; they stay there for a minute before they rose to my gaze. They asked for permission to unwrap the bandage, to look at the cuts. I nod, having him slowly take them off my wrist. I felt slightly self-conscious again, having him just look at the cuts, seeing how deep they were, how long they were, counting how many were there this time. It feels like an eternity before he lifts my arm to his face, his lips lightly kissing the wounds, before he gently sets down my arm. I retract it, placing it on my lap once more, to hide them again.

We make eye contact again. His brown eyes were dark and sorrowful, his face in general just filled with concern. I know that he was silently telling me to stop doing this to myself, I knew that look. He licks his bottom lip, “Please, stop,” he whispers.
“I know,” I whisper back. “I’m… Sorry,” I hang my head.
Truth was; I am sorry for doing it- but not sorry enough to not do it. I can’t stop myself just with the snap of the fingers, it doesn’t work that way.
He gives me one more look, before standing and taking the bowl to the sink, where he dumped the rest of his breakfast.

I stood, making my way over to him as he turned around. Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around his middle, resting my head against his chest, just to hear the familiar thumping of his heart. His arms find their usual place around my waist as I look up at him. “Jorel, I think I wanna see the guys tonight. Maybe… Maybe it’ll make me feel better, or it may not.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise, eyes lighting up as well. “Really?”
I nod- why the fuck not, y’know?

-+-+-+-

We stood outside of Danny’s home, with me slightly freaking out and Jorel trying to calm me down. I’m not exactly sure as to why I was nervous to see all the guys again- I mean, we were all close. It shouldn’t have been a problem, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen anyone besides J. I sighed heavily, nodding to myself to give myself some courage to actually go inside. What if they thought I was strange for never coming outside the house? That’s all that was running through my head at the moment, but Jorel finally just opened the door and managed to get me inside.

The same old sounds played throughout the house; laughter, glasses clinking, the guys just talking amongst each other. There were even the video games in the background, or music playing as well. It felt just like old times, and I haven’t even seen any of them yet. My hand was in Jorel’s, and I was walking behind him as he made his way into the large living room. Everything quieted down instantly when they all laid eyes on me- their faces all wore the same expression: complete and utter shock. It was almost having an intense staring contest with five different people. I could feel myself getting nervous again; the silence was killing me. Why wouldn’t any of them say anything?

I let out a small breath of air in an apprehensive laugh; slightly hiding behind Jorel’s left shoulder. I watched for a few more moments before I decided to raise my free hand in a tiny wave. “Um… Hey, guys,” I mutter.
Again, they stayed silent for a bit. A few of them took another swig or two of their alcohol, still trying to see if it was really me, or something crazy like that.
“Payton! Holy shit, guys! It’s Payton!” Dylan breaks the awkward air, putting down his bottle and shooting up to come and wrap me in his arms tightly.
His embrace was a strong one; he lifts me up easily and spins us around a little. I kept my arms around his neck, a grin spreading across my face, realizing that I really missed my friends. He sets me down, placing his hands on my shoulders to steady me, a huge smile plastered on his face. “How’ve you been, Mami?” he asks excitedly.
I chuckle at his old nick-name for me. “I’ve been okay,” I half-lie to him.
He kisses my cheek before he turns around, “You hear that, guys? She’s been okay!”

Hearing his and my own words, they all break out into huge smiles, throwing their drinks down and flying over to me. They all wrapped arms around me, practically shoving Jorel out of the way completely, in a giant group hug. I couldn’t pick out who was saying what, but there were lines such as “Payton, I’ve missed you,” or “Payton, we were worried sick about you,” or “Where the fuck have you been, Payton?” I couldn’t help but to laugh, hearing all of their excited calls- I guess they really did miss me.
“Guys, guys, be easy on her!” I heard Jorel say.
None of them listened, really. They continued to hug me, and spin me around without even caring about what J just said. “Okay, guys! Dizzy, here. I’ve missed you all like crazy, too. How have you guys been?”
“Bored as fuck without our favorite girl around!” Jordon says loudly, causing everyone to laugh.
I just smiled at him, apologizing for being away for so long. They couldn’t really blame me, though. They all knew why, they were just trying to make me happy, I guess.

After a little while of just standing and talking, one of them grabs me and sits me down on the couch, practically slapping a cup in my hand. I look down inside the plastic cup, seeing the familiar dark brown color with a few chunks of ice here or there. I inwardly frown, but on the outside, I smile. I shouldn’t be drinking. I was in no condition to get drunk and show them all how I really was on the inside. “Drink up, Pay. It’s your favorite,” George calls out with a grin on his face, his own bottle of tequila in his hand.
“I can see,” I sniffed, “And smell that, George. Jack and coke,” I chuckled, chewing on the inside of my cheek and shooting Jorel a glance.
“What’s with the hesitation?”
I look back at George, “Um, nothing,” I mutter, forcing myself to take a sip of the drink to play it off.

The smiles were back on their faces as I took in the burning sensation throughout my chest. I wanted to cough, I wanted to complain, but that wasn’t me. Or, that wasn’t how I used to be a year ago. A year ago, I could drink this down like it was literally nothing. It’s been such a long time since I’ve ever had a taste of alcohol- a swig of this was honestly giving me a headache. I look at Jorel again, who gives me a knowing look. I look into the deep brown liquid again, and sigh quietly. I shouldn’t have to force myself to drink this… I take another swig of it, having it burn down again, choking back another cough. Maybe they really didn’t understand what I was going through.

I put down the plastic cup, crossing my legs and sitting back in the couch. And just like old times, all the guys laughed with each other, made fun of each other and played games. Besides Jorel, who was just watching me contently, as I sat here slightly uncomfortable. I picked up my cup again and sipped on it again, the burn dulling a little bit now. J pats his thighs, which tells me to come over and sit on his lap. I do just so, having his hands wind around my waist and holding me tightly to his chest. “You okay, babe?” he whispers in my ear.
I turn my head so my lips are next to his ear. “I don’t want to drink. If I get drunk, then all my emotions will just come out easily, you know that,” I whisper back.
He nods, “Don’t drink, then,” he says, taking the cup from my hands and drinking from it.
I smile at him lightly, just leaning into his body for full comfort.

Everything was honestly going smoothly for the most part- no one suspected anything from me. I would get into conversation when I felt it was right, I would laugh along with people’s jokes. And just like always, I would joke along with Jordon always calling Matt gay, even if I felt horrible for doing it like I usually had. I heard footsteps behind me, and the very familiar female voice of another close friend of mine. “So that’s what all that loudness was about! Payton, welcome back!” Theresa calls out happily.
I turn in Jorel’s lap, seeing Theresa’s short frame standing in the arch, her long layer of hair flipped over her shoulder like it always did. I grinned at her, “Hi, Theresa.”
She keeps a smile on her face, but mine fades when I see her bouncing, her eyes fixed on what she had in her arms. Instantly, I’m reminded of the horrible night that happened nearly three months ago, seeing her holding six-or-seven-month-old Scarlett to her chest.

I bite down on my lip hard, already feeling that same pain in my heart, feeling the tears already building up behind my eyes. I just stare at Scarlett- I couldn’t pull my eyes away, seeing the beautiful baby girl so happy in her mother’s arms. That would be me right now. Marissa would be nearing three months old; I would be taking care of her right now. But she just wasn’t here with us. I sniff lightly, having a tear stream down my face. “Shit,” Jorel mutters behind me, turning me around on his lap.
He takes my head and rests it against his chest, his hand caressing my messy hair. He places kisses on my head, shushing me lightly as I started to weep in his arms, right in front of everyone. I felt honestly stupid, just breaking down in front of the guys and Theresa- but I couldn’t hold it in. Of course, they all had to stay silent as I cried into J’s chest. Someone runs across the room, and I assumed it was Danny to escort his wife out of the room. “Sorry,” I hear her whisper.

Sorry just wasn’t going to cut it.